Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Some random updates for you all...
1) So I told my mom the full details of what has been going on and she took it really well. She was really supportive of me. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
2) My spouse went to the endo and he has estrogen pills, but his sperm bank appointment is early September so he hasn't taken them yet.
3) My therapist told me that it would be ok to tell someone else about what is going on. I feel for me I have reached a breaking point and I can't solely handle my spouse anymore (he has a therapist but he hasn't told anyone else about what has been going on, just that he is going through a depressive episode). I tried telling his one friend but I chickened out. The friend was really concerned so he reached out to my spouse. My spouse told him about the depression, but not the trans issue. I am going to try to tell his brother and his friend.
4) My spouse and I talk, but I don't feel like we get anywhere. He talks a good game, he says he loves me and I'm what's most important to him, but this really upsets me because obviously the BS of the past year happened and so I don't feel loved and I don't feel my needs are being taken into account. I told him last year hormones would be no good for me, and he's been obssessed with that ever since.
I know sometimes I can be a very ridged person, looking at every possible solution is not my strong point, but I'm hoping if I can talk to his brother and his friend that they maybe able to help in some way because I don't know what to do or say anymore.
I agree with Ld, I don't think you should talk to his circle about it - that is his responsibility.
I too told my partner that hormones was a step too far and they'd be the end of us, but here we still are. I think I knew all along he'd get his way in the end, not that he pressured me in any way. Like you, I just always knew the issue would not go away.
I wish with all my heart that he'd not started, as there is no going back.
Sending you love.
On the subject of sperm banking- we didn't reach the point of thinking about that- I vetoed the idea of getting pregnant again as we were planning because I thought she seemed a bit unstable, and wanted our marriage stabilized before we made that decision. She was angry about that (but seriously, who thinks it's a good idea to get pregnant while one's marriage is unstable?!) Nice that things are stable enough for you that you feel comfortable with the idea of banking some for a later day.
My spouse has yoyo'd on the tale of transition as necessity vs. I don't *need* it right now, so I can keep you happy. I'm guessing in the future, if she wants to get medically transitioned she's going to do it no matter what I think, which is disappointing.
Currently we're on the path to divorce rather than separation because we're having trouble getting along on things that really shouldn't involve this much debate (non-trans issues.)
I guess the brief interlude featuring the return of my husband was just that. A brief interlude. Maybe this was always who I was married to. How did I miss this personality?!
Yeah, normally I wouldn't do this, but I can't cope any more. Like, I rather his brother and friend know, so when we separate/divorce, they can be there for him.
I"m just so tired and I don't know what to do anymore.
The relationship between them isn't bad, but it isn't great either. I'm not sure if I can get them to talk to each other, but I'm going to try.
His brother also gave me insight into my spouse's behavior. He said that my spouse would threaten suicide as a child to their parents. I didn't know this. He also said that when their mom found out that he could be possibly bisexual, she freaked out and threaten suicide. I didn't know this either.
I went to my primary care doctor yesterday and we did the depression quiz and I got a high score. So I'm gonna go to 15 mg of lexapro.
My spouse last night said that he thought we decided not to do the estrogen pills, but I hardly feel that's an open and shut decision on this point. My anxiety is very high. But I feel better after talking to his brother.
The only quiz you don't want to score high on :( Hopefully the lexapro will help, if not with the depression, at least with the anxiety. I know the anxiety can really exacerbate the depression. I know this probably won't make you feel better, but you really do seem to be doing all the right things given your situation.
The suicide threat are a bit scary, especially the long history and the fact that it runs in the family. I hope your spouse's brother can be an ally, both for you AND your spouse. Mostly, I hope it helps take some of the stress off your shoulders alone. And having your mom there for you is HUGE.
I don't remember, does your spouse have a good therapist? If not maybe at least the brother can help in that regard? Hopefully the brother will talk to his own therapist soon so it doesn't drag on too long.
"He talks a good game"... seems to be a common trait. Stand strong. Sending hugs!
~<3
I think my spouse's therapist is really good, but I wonder if my spouse is a good patient, you know? Like, he just wants things to be better, but he doesn't seem to get it that he has to change his behavior to do so. Like I told him that the suicide talk upsets me, but he just doesn't seem to understand how damaging it is. Like he doesn't want to stop thinking about it.
Like in the past I have specifically told him about if he committed suicide would affect me. I said, "If I find you one day in the tub, dead, that would be the worst day of my life." And then he said, "Oh I would never do that to you." And I said, "Well, then one day, I'm going to come home and I'm going to have to call the police to fish you out of the East River, also worst day ever." He didn't have a response to that.
I'm going to ask him about these past behaviors. I'm going to tell him that this behavior is unacceptable to me.
this board is so very helpful