Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
So, I haven't been on here in a great long while. For those of you that remember me as a mod over at Susan's, I am no longer a mod, and am quite angry with how they treated me. A long story I'm not gonna hash out here.
So if somebody is looking for me over there, now you know.
I am on my second therapist. Tried a therapist recommended to me, who knew about transition. Learned the hard way that therapists who know about transition do NOT like cis spouses, that this wasn't just my ex's therapist (who also didn't like me) being biased. Yep, you read that right. We tried to be/ still are married to these folks, and research shows that folks transition better with support, but the therapists hate us! I've read accounts of this in the past, and apparently just had to see for myself, alas.
A family therapist confirmed for me that yes, finding a cis-spouse friendly therapist who is also transition trained is actually difficult.
So here's where it seems like us cis spouses/ ex spouses are:
1. Our spouses/ ex spouses just hit us with an emotional bus. Some have trans spouses that are trying to help mop up the emotional mess made, some are making it worse with EVERY FUCKING step they take (I'm divorced.)
2. The outside world will ALWAYS have something to say, whether it's revulsion for us, or our spouse.
3. Am getting REALLY REALLY tired of needing to explain to outsiders that NO my ex is NOT also mommy. My son only has one mommy, that's me. She is Dama. I researched into what do lesbian couples do about this, in an attempt to respect my ex, and discovered that there are a variety of things people do.
4. Really tired of explaining to family/ friends that no, the trans spouse cannot simply shut off their need to transition, even if most of us on this forum would find life A LOT easier that way.
5. Therapists frequently don't like us. Murderers can find therapists that can empathize enough to treat them. Being married to somebody that's trans though? Oh that's unforgivable.
Anybody else feeling cranky about this?
I sent my therapist an email explaining a bit about my situation and asked if she could help me, and I cried when I read her response. Basically, she said that it is hard for spouses because all the support is geared towards helping us accept our spouse's transition without first dealing with the trauma and emotions that we have to deal with.
She has a few of us in her practice and is wants to bring awareness to other therapists about the unique challenges we face.
So, yes, I used to be very cranky about it all. I still am, but not as much since I found a therapist who seems to understand and validate my feelings.
But other support has been hard to find.
PFLAG has groups for family and friends of LGBQ and welcomes families of transgender folk, but when I contacted them, they said they didn't currently have anyone like me there. I think our situation is far different than other family and friends of the LGBTQ community. If I want to travel quite a bit, I could go to groups I have seen/heard of in Pennsylvania. Maybe one day. And of online support, this is the only place where I feel really comfortable. I have sort of stopped going to other forums.
I have some far away friends who know, but I think they are tired of me reaching out all the time. I have recently been triggered by the constant thought that I am always acting "fake" because I conceal all this behind a mask of "everything-is-fine".
But in the end, at least I have a good therapist.
Sorry you had such a bad experience at Susans, CF. And sorry, LD, that you can't find support either.
Also- I have found that cishet friends are actually most understanding of my feelings in this regard. Tried talking to a coworker who is trans (FtNB) and I think I inadvertently gave them a splash of cold water with regard to what they are doing to their spouse that they didn't want to hear.
For example:
Ex told me her name was legally changed via text message while I was at work late one night (parent teacher conferences.) I was literally shaking from the shock of it when I got the news, and went to this coworker and their sibling- I was told oh it's not a big deal, that they celebrated when their name was changed. (didn't bother even trying to explain the concept of mixed feelings- that their partner was probably happy for them in some ways, and sad for themselves in others. After all, who marries someone saying gee, you need a gender transition!!?)
When I mentioned to this coworker (who also has a son) that the idea of my ex also using Mommy bothers me greatly, I was told gee it's good I'm in therapy because my self esteem is very low, as though this was the entire reason why, and thus invalidates my feelings!!
The cis hetero coworkers OTOH, have all understood that this is not exactly ideal for me, and that no, I shouldn't have to sit there and perpetually throw my feelings in the garbage.
I'm wondering how exactly these people expect to keep us around while also treating us like inconsequential dirt...
.... I'm in Australia ....
Not sure if there is any support here for spouses ....
It is interesting to hear how you are all coping with this event in our lives
I was totally blind sided .... And he has not once mentioned that he has even considered how I feel
We have separated and he moves out this week end
He hasn't told the kids they are 15;20;20
I dread how they will take it
I read in so many places about spouses that stay and that's up to them but there are so many of us who can't stay and can't support the person going through transition we need to look after our selves and the kids ....
Keep strong and trust your own instincts.on how you need to deal with this .....
I'm thankful there's some like minded people here who can understand the ups and downs of living with someone who is transitioning. I'm not sure in what direction things will go for me, although I'm pretty sure something will have to give pretty soon.
I'm going to try harder to find a good therapist. The last one, who has experience in the transgender community, she was not helpful. I need to find one, regardless if they are trans friendly or not. I've told no one but I think this is slowly destroying me from the inside out. Like everyone here, I'm just trying to find a way to deal with this.
I went to the therapist with my husband a few times but was really only an observer - they were too wrapped up with talking about him to involve me, which I was fine with actually. I've adopted the approach of answering totally honestly if I'm asked a direct question but otherwise I'll keep my own counsel. It's working for me.
Otta, I'm also in Australia and have found nothing here for spouses. I'm sorry for what you're going through, it's very tough.
My second therapist has never met my spouse and when we first met she understood that I must be going through a lot of grief.
We went to a non-binary therapist for a few months. I think they were pretty neutral for the most part. However, I think they got a bit frustrated because the situation wasn't really improving. Even though my spouse wasn't as combative as previously, my spouse didn't really emotionally show up a lot of time, so it was really hard to make any progress.
Finally not hated by a therapist...