Momadoc, I so can relate. I too have been into this for decades, married for 25 years. Most of it bloody lonely, hoping thru the years things would change, that if I became more ____, he would find me attractive. My husband also wasn't "into" me. I chaked it up to me simply being repulsive. He so much as said so after I gave birth to our daughter. I have come to realize that I am infact attractive to heterosexual men. It still hurts though & wished so much the spark came from my husband. We are now in the process of divorce, still live together & he is on his way to transitioning. I discovered online emails, secret messages, posts etc that he was planning to "break free of his jail & put the peddle to the gas". It was all news to me, he was adamant all these years it was only crossdressing. I adjusted my "new normal" so many times over 25 years, I don't really even know who I am or what a real heterosexual relationship would look like or feel like. It's a sad struggle for the Tg's for sure, but wowzer it's depression like I've never known, being the spouse & fallout of this path. He's obviously stoked he's seeing his dream just around the corner & I'm left feeling like the truck backed over me for the 1000th & last time. Finding forums such as these has been my life support right now & I soooooo appreciate everyone's generosity in sharing their stories, especially those such as yours. Being a decades long survivor is something especially courageous.....Bless You!

Loveliessleeping
Canada

I am so glad I found this site...first time I have ever wrote about my life with my husband of 20 years who wants to become a woman. He is in the closet to all his friends and work...although he wears bras and lacey shirts under his clothes that I am sure they know something...but they are construction workers and race car drivers...He told me over 13 years ago that the more I ask for sex the more it turned him off...I never ask again and we never had sex again. He has upped his hormones by double this week...very into only himself, drinking a lot, and very belittling to me. I have went to doctors, and therapy, they said (Doctor said to go have an affair) and my therapist said to leave. I am very lonely but work full time so surround myself with others. I read this tonight and realized there are others like me out there...never knew that...I feel he is moving more and more into men and I am just his front so he looks like he is not in the closet. I so need others to talk to...need the courage to leave. Do you stay as room mates that sleep at the other end of the house from each other or find happiness at breaking free. When you are older there are many factors, health, finance, image (most of my family doesn't know. We are such a secret group, a group that keeps secrets for sure. First time to write, but I feel better for it.

I'm only a year into this and have just filed for divorce. I was in shock for the first 9 months but it suddenly hit me that I WANT A MAN. My husband has become so selfish, and so self centered. I have actually seen text messages he wrote saying that he will sacrific everything just be his "authentic self." I'm so tired of that bullshit line. I just can't waste anymore time on this. On trying to save some piece of a man that I know is dying. I'm only 33 and have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. You deserve better and so do all of us!

On another note; I have been searching for a support group like this for the past year and it only just came up. I am so grateful to hear everyone else's stories. It helps me feel validated. The situation we are in is unique to say the least and I don't think ANYONE can relate unless they've been here too. Let's stay supportive of each other!

Jacabelle,
Lots of good luck with leaving. You are young and at the start of your life. It is a better time to leave when your kids are young.
I would have left if my kids were 1 and 5 but when I found out my grandkids were 1 & 3!!

I stayed because I felt I was too old to go changing my life from the bottom up. While it has not gotten better it has gotten easier.

May your new life be all that you dreamed!

Momadoc

Mommadoc,

May I ask, do you wish you had left? Are you considering leaving at all? If not, why do you continue to stay? I am asking honestly because I do love this man so very much and he keeps saying we could make it work and I don't see how but I'm curious. Would you consider your relationship to be "working?"

Did your husband become very selfish?

He is narcissistic
The world revolves around him

But I am nearing retirement and would lose half of everything if I left now.

I am living my life and he is living hers.

But fortunately my life is very full

I would not now leave

Though I would love a soulmate and he or she has never measured up

I'm just saying

I care about him and love him but this is not the marriage I would choose

Thank you for answering. You have been helpful. I am so glad to hear that your life is full. I would love to be your friend!

This message is for loveliesssleeping

Sorry that I did not reply sooner.

I reread your entry and I am concerned about your taking on your spouse s rejection of you that you are repulsive and you are now depressed
I went through a similar process but have not divorced though I am moving on in MY life

I would like you to take a walk in the woods by yourself

It is just you

No spouse no kids no friends

Think back on who you are
What you have done
The good things that you did in your life
The high roads that you have taken

This is you and this defines YOU

Not your spouse or whoever he or she is

S/he does not define you
S/he does not change one whit of who YOU are

S/he does not alter you in any way

Kudos to you for being who you are

Hang on to that as you move through this passage
There is sunlight and rainbows on the other side

Momadoc

Momadoc, thank you, that was really kind....it made me cry though. I know, I have a lot of bullshit to unravel, thanks to him. I've had decades of trying, then giving up to be attractive to him, to no avail. he once told me he in fact was not attracted to me after I still had baby weight to lose after our first. Add to that years of zero sex or any modicum of intimacy & it sure messes with the noggin.

Let's face it, they really are narcissistic assholes & like a lot of spouses say, they would never be chosen to be our friend outside any of this chaos. My own teenagers were less selfish & disrespect than this stranger sitting across from me.

Blessings,
xx

All of this just breaks my heart.