Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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Confused.com 05/02/2018

Hi everyone,

It's been 7 months since I found out about my partner being transgender. He is under referral now and waiting for a first appointment. He is sure he wants a full transition though.. hormones, surgeries and to live out full time as a woman.

At the moment he only dresses infront of me. I would love to say I'm getting used to it but that's not true. I know it shouldn't but inwardly it irritates me. He acts like "him" in the day and when he is at work or we are out/around other people and then at night time "she" comes out and I feel like I don't know who I'm with anymore.

Our son is a year old this month and although he doesn't want to be called dad in the future he is allowing our families and friends to speak about him as daddy which I'm worrying is completely confusing our son. I wouldn't want to "out" him but my son is my priority and he is learning words now and started saying dada. How are we going to change that when daddy decides he doesn't want to be daddy in public anymore?

Another thing which is bothering me is I feel like he is copying me...i was going to die my hair blonde. I showed him what I wanted and the style and then he orders a blonde wig in the same style. I then decided not to do that because of the wig so I got a full fringe and went brunette and so he ditches the blonde wig and surprised me with coming downstairs with a wig which is the same cut and colour as mine! It's not just appearances either, I'm training to be a teacher and all of a sudden that is what he has decided he wants his new career to be. I feel like everything I do for myself, he has to take it away from me!

Iv'e tried talking to him but any time I try and bring up anything that bothers me he doesn't want to know. He gets angry with me or refuses to even talk. It doesn't even have to be about the transgender issue or him. If im upset or concerned about anything he acts like I'm being over dramatic and that my problems are nothing compared to his.

I don't think I have the energy to be there for someone who doesn't give me anything in return to be honest but I'm also not strong enough to leave. The guilt just kills me and I'm so scared of being alone. My family live 3 hours away and my mum comes up every couple of weeks to see my son but I don' really have any support around here.

I'm sorry for the massive rant I guess I just needed to vent somewhere.

Hope everyone is doing well

pip 05/02/2018

No need to apologize! We all need a place to unload this, and most of us have no one else to talk with.

The situation with your spouse sounds extremely difficult. Are either of you seeing a therapist? (I’m trying to find one myself!)

It’s one thing that your spouse has come out as transgender. That is hard enough to navigate. The non-integrated personalities, the dismissal of your feelings, and the appropriation of your style and dreams, that is something else altogether.

I hope you will be able to find some support through this. Take care of yourself!

-pip

Arianwen 05/02/2018

Hi Confused. All of your feelings are valid, so do not feel that you need to apologize for yourself. You should not feel guilty, so stop beating yourself up. I totally agree with Pip - the identity issue and his dismissive nature of your concerns require different navigations. Get the help of a counselor. Hugs. Rian

baseballgirl4488 05/03/2018

I can relate to you in the son issue. I’m currently pregnant with our first child. I have felt guilty because I don’t understand how he can be a father without being a man. I don’t want our son to be confused and go through the same pain that we both are going through right now.

Also, the reactions.... my partner does the exact same thing to me. He wants me to talk and be open yet when I am, I’m either not being supportive (that’s the major one) or I just get ignored. If I ask questions to try to take away my confusion, I am questioning him and making him feel like he is on trial. It is hard. Finding balance is hard. So far for me, talking more about the subject with him has helped. Staying calm and pushing through communication has helped too. Still hard but a baby step. Don’t feel sorry to vent! We are hear to listen!

gallinarosa 05/03/2018

Funny that you mention him copying you. I was having the same feeling about much more minor things like with fragrances, etc. I told my therapist about it last week and joked about if it became like that movie Single White Female (I may be dating myself by using that reference). I told her I was going to rewrite the script with a CIS woman and MTF. We laughed about it and it kind of made me feel better. She assured me that it takes awhile for a transperson to figure out their style as they embrace their inner gender and they will copy those around them as they figure it out. But I totally get your frustration. I have already replaced my fragrances with new ones. But it is hard enough when it feels like your identity is being stolen figuratively as you lose the appearance of your natural sexual orientation and in comparison to your partner you feel less feminine than you did previously. But then to feel like your identity is being stolen LITERALLY - it can be too much. Hang in there.

Your partner, however, needs to hear that apart from being trans, if they respect and want to keep your relationship, that they need to be a better partner. Listening to your partner and showing concern for them and addressing bumps along the way is NOT particular to hetero-normal couples. It is something that all couples should do if they want to stay together. As others have said, a counselor can help you interact with each other better. Your partner may have picked up bad relationship habits in hiding their true identity over the years. But those things can be unlearned and replaced with something healthier.

Cora 05/03/2018

re: "How are we going to change that when daddy decides he doesn't want to be daddy in public anymore?"

Kids are pretty smart. I'm guessing your kid will get the hang of it. I hear that transition is easiest for small kids, but more difficult for teens. Either way, I kinda feel like if your kid calls your spouse "dada" in public, it probably won't be the worst thing ever. Maybe it will be awkward. Maybe your spouse will be outed, but perhaps no one will really notice. I think the bigger question is how your spouse will deal with it. Will your spouse deal with patience and compassion?

Re: copying
Yeah, I think the copying thing is incredibly annoying. I'm so sorry. *hugs*

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