Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
So, this past week my spouse and I got into a big fight as we sat down to square away our insurance bills. I've been paying my therapist in cash, but recently she billed our insurance company and unfortunately, she billed for her full rate which means that the copay I've been paying her isn't going to drop. So, my spouse starts to accuse her of insurance fraud and I was all like, "let's just concentrate on the other bills" and my spouse thought I was defending the therapist and my spouse stomped away exclaiming "You love the therapist more than me!" I tried to coax him out of his bad mood, but he continued to be rude to me, and at that point I shut down.
I couldn't sleep for three days and finally I suggested to him that perhaps we should separate for awhile. He seemed to think he should buy his own apartment, but I told him it would probably take 3 months for him to close on a place. I told him to stay with his parents or his friends' place. He came home later that day saying he would go. I'm not sure if he's at his parents or at his friends right now, but I kinda don't care.
I was finally able to sleep two nights ago so that is good. I'm feeling mostly ok, although I guess I feel numb. It's nice to have the house nice and quiet. I'm not sure how long this separation will last or how we'll move forward, but I guess one things for sure: something has to change.
Recently, his own therapist said she doesn't think she's helping him. He laughed and said it wasn't getting worse, but she wasn't amused. I told my spouse that this was a red flag and that they need to figure out a new way forward. They decided to just focus on his emotions and not the trans stuff, which I guess is good, but I dunno. My spouse's emotions are all over the place and I don't think he wants to figure them out.
I have an appointment with a new therapist on Monday and I guess we'll see how it goes. I think it will be good to see a therapist that my spouse doesn't know (my spouse originally went to the therapist I'm currently seeing) and I think it will be good to have the payment system more streamlined instead of me just paying cash all the time.
Your timing is ironic on posting this. My spouse has been away the last two weeks, and honestly I've slept better these last two weeks than I have in a long time. What does that tell me? I'm glad you're able to finally get some sleep.
I'm going to search out a new therapist also. I went to one who specializes in gender dysphoria and we also saw her together seeking some answers. It wasn't helpful at all I found. I really need someone to talk to since I haven't told anyone. My spouse doesn't want me to tell anyone since he's not out yet. He did say I could tell one very dear old friend....who just happens to be moving away within the next few months or so. I really need to get some sort of support going for myself. It's so hard trying to deal with this by myself.
Hope your new therapist on Monday works out for you. I"ll be thinking of you.
Like in some ways the problem isn't our marriage, it's how my spouse wants to proceed with transitioning/not transitioning and respecting what I need. Like currently my spouse wants to take hormones and if I don't like it, he'll stop. I care about him so if he needs hormones, then he should take hormones, but I told him months ago that hormones are my boundary. I seriously envision it affecting our relationship. Like I don't want him trying to "wear me down" when I'm heterosexual and I don't want to live with someone who is going to be emotional abusive towards me cuz I'm being my authentic self. My spouse really wants the hormones AND me and I'm resisting that plan. :/
I would be willing to go back to a marriage counselor but I think we would really need to shop around and I think we both need to really make a decision on how we are moving forward so we have a very clear goal with the counselor.
InaQ, yay for sleep!! I hope you can find a new therapist you like soon. I think you just need to find someone who will be an advocate for you and your needs and I don't think they have to be a specialist for that. You deserve to talk to someone!
Sending love to you all.
My spouse presents as male, but he does take hormones and has longer hair. He travels for his job and it gives me a little break from him. But I know he is "her" when he's gone. It may sound weird, but it feels like I'm being cheated on by my own spouse!!
I enjoy my time alone and I wonder how long I can continue living in this situation. I am heterosexual and I miss a connection with a male. He doesn't understand why I am distant with him or that he is no longer the same man that I married. I understand how you all appreciate the time away from your spouse.
Sorry for the rambling. I appreciate each of you and the support and understanding you provide.
Sigh. So thing were going well, I was getting some sleep--then I go out on Saturday night with a friend and her co-workers. One of her co-workers was lamenting how he was single and we had a lot of the same interests. I enjoyed talking with him and I loved the attention he gave me. Man, after that, I was shaking. Like, I haven't felt very sexual over the last 6 months, and dannnnnnng the flood gates opened! And that put me in a tailspin. I've been having a really hard time sleeping since then. I spoke to one of my friends and she was really sympathetic to my feelings. She told me that after she got out of a long term relationship, she was absolutely floored by the first guy who paid attention to her.
Anywho, I met with the new therapist and it went really well. I explained everything and right away she talked about how I must be going through so much grief. I scheduled another session with her. I also ended my sessions with the old therapist. (urgh it's been a hell of a week urgh)
I also managed to see my primary care doctor today. She was able to give me some more sleep hygiene tips, so I will start working on those.
I'm off on a trip tomorrow without my spouse and I'm going to hang with some friends. I hope this trip can really reset some things for me.
Misled: as some of us said in a previous conversation: some of us are of the opinion that it is unfair, unrealistic, and cruel that we should be expected to go through this experience without some sort of emotional support beyond the spouse we are frequently at odds with, and a therapist, who is not the same as a close friend/ family member.
Thus, in light of this necessity, some of us recommend not merely asking the trans spouse for someone we can confide in/ talk to, but TELLING them we WILL be talking to this person. I'd pick somebody that can be discreet, and is transfriendly (the transphobic ones don't accomplish anything because they can't hear what you're saying past the shock and horror. Just makes the situation worse. )
Otherwise you're going through what feels like getting widowed and have to fake happiness through the agony of it all.