Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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confusedfairy 08/03/2019

Been a while since I've been on here. Our divorce was finalized March 5 of this year, and while her coming out as trans certainly brought out the absolute worst in her, it wasn't truly what destroyed our divorce. A variety of horrible behaviors and personality traits, some of which were already there, were what did it. If she had transitioned kindly, and had been nice to me throughout the process, I likely would have stayed married.

In any case- per the terms of our divorce- she will never be addressed via traditional maternal terms by our son. If the law is to be followed, she will never be mommy. This was hard won mind you- I was pounced on by three lawyers in the midst of negotiation about how I should be absolutely fine with this, because lesbians are fine with this, and one lawyer's neice was a lesbian and she was one of two mommies and all was well for them. I cried for 3 straight days over this- likely posted about it here.

They don't understand the way it feels to have this last shred of your femininity ripped away from you. They don't understand that in the coming months, her long, shiny blonde hair, and slim, graceful body will make her far more alluring to the public than her lumpy, roundish, brown ex-wife ever was to the public. They don't understand that I may very well spend the REST of my life hearing people brightly say "Oh so now your son has 2 mommies!" I am not one of two, because to be one of two means to be the less important one (in this case.) I know there are lesbians that are happy this way, and that's wonderful for them. When I looked this up, I learned that apparently not all lesbians use maternal terms, or the same terms, and that there is a good deal of variety there.

I AM SO TIRED OF HEARING THAT SHE IS A MOMMY TOO!!

People are trying to be polite when they do this, and I get that. But holy hell I have feelings too!! Not that anyone will ever realize that ever again.

Anybody else feel this way?

She tells me our son is firmly entrenched in calling her Dama, that 'not that she's tried' but that he won't call her anything maternal anyhow- How the hell would she know if she didn't violate our contract and try it?

I don't want to cease to exist!!!

Otta 08/05/2019

I hear you ... My X hasn't told.our kids about being trans gender but they definitely not call him any term that means mum. I am Thier mother I carried them gave birth to them I am Thier mother . And yes in a lesbian relationship they go into being parents together and they together work out what their children will call them.
So people just don't get it ...
Hold your head up high you are a mother and always will ...

1newstart 08/05/2019

My kids use a word for Mom in another language, and I can't tell you how much I hate it. How much it cuts each time I hear it. I appreciate that they don't want to call her "mom" out of respect for me. However, no matter the language, it is still calling her "mom." I, however, have started using her chosen name to refer to her when talking to my kids. I won't say "dad" out of respect, but I don't have to use their word either.

Cora 08/05/2019

confusedfairy, I don't think you are the lesser of the two mommies here. You are The Very Important Mommy to your son and your ex is The Very Important Dama to your son. Lesbians are totally cool with two mommies cuz they went into parenting as two mommies--that's not your situation!

Heck, even if your ex tries to get your son to call your ex mommy, I would say that you can tell your son that when You-Mommy is around, let's just use Dama because you like Mommy very much.

ajk 08/06/2019

You are not alone in this. I just had this conversation with my husband last night. Apparently I'm going to be Mommy/ mom while he takes mama. I'm trying to not let it bother me (we're trying to make it work), but it's so refreshing to be able to come here and hear people going through the same thing (not that I would wish this on anyone else, but at least it helps me to feel like I'm not the only person in this twilight zone). I guess it doesn't really matter, this will just get twisted somehow as some occurrence of me not being supportive.

I feel like I'm stuck in a fairy tale where my husband has been replaced and if I clap three times maybe this imposter will just disappear in a puff of smoke and my real husband will wonder how I never realized that of course he would never be so hurtful.

Clapping didn't work. Guess it's back to counseling tonight. Sorry for rambling, I'm just so tired.

confusedfairy 08/07/2019

Nope, totally understandable ajk. Dear God, I've wanted this new person to be gone soo many times, and for the old husband (who truth be told, was a mediocre husband at best) to return. Realized the other day that a part of me half expected him to return in fact (subconsciously, of course.) This is in spite of the fact that our divorce was final in March, and the things that caused our divorce likely would have happened eventually, regardless of gender transition.

While Dama works for now, what cuts the crap out of me is hearing other people assume we simply must be 2 mommies. I feel like putting up a banner that says ASK GODDAMN YOU!! DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!

Funny how people love to point out that women can be women regardless of motherhood status, but then once somebody transitions into being a woman, they simply must be 'mommy' now. Even when the trans woman herself is actually more flexible than that.

Which btw, is another thing that annoys me: She wasn't going to fight me for this and do this to me. The lawyers started this conflict!! In the end she compromised and said non-traditional maternal terms only, but there wouldn't have been a conflict at all if not for the lawyers.

Cora 08/09/2019

Omg I was talking to a lawyer once and she was making snide remarks about the cis spouse and I was like, "Girl, you aren't her therapist, you go be her lawyer and let her therapist handle the other stuff."

1newstart 08/09/2019

What was this lawyer saying? Sounds extremely unprofessional though. My attorney was funny. She made it clear from the get go that she was not my therapist. Her role was to represent my interests in the division of the marital assets. However, when it was done, she finally opened up and started asking more personal questions about my spouse. You see, towards the end, my spouse's mask starting slipping and her true colors were exposed for all to see. The change in my ex's character and demeanor were truly incredible.

LookingForwardandBack 08/09/2019

My spouse and already have different names without having kids (just pets at this point) and I'm Mommy and she's Eema. Seeing as how for kids, this is your name, the idea they should both be "Mommy" or "Mom" is just confusing.

Cora 08/14/2019

Newstart, yeah the lawyer was saying that she was calling her client's spouse by their new name in hopes that her client would start to call her spouse by the new name. I was like, you should call the spouse by the name that's most appropriate, but you need to give your client space. After that I think the lawyer shut up because she realized she shouldn't be talking about her client in public spaces. Not sure I changed any hearts or minds on that one, but hopefully she'll maybe respect her client a bit more. (I was a bit annoyed too because it didn't sound like the client was necessarily being *mean* to her spouse, but I don't think it's unreasonable to have a hard time changing habits when you are going through a divorce!)

1newstart 08/14/2019

This is new territory for sure. My attorney's paralegal automatically assigned my Mother's Day and my ex Father's Day in the parenting agreement, and I had to ask them to change it because assigning her Father's Day would be seen as disrespectful at best and maybe even "abusive." The paralegal also accidentally used some male pronouns and my ex threw a fit. It was an honest oversight, but it made things ugly for a bit.

But yes, it is hard to change gears and use a new name when you have used a different name for decades and are grieving the loss of that person.

confusedfairy 08/15/2019

1newstart: Abusive? to get a day with your child to celebrate your parentage?
From my readings and interactions, the impression I get is that there are a good number of trans women that are just fine with the notion of being a father, even if some don't want to be called that in public.

Ex: a friend of mine has a 30yo son, and she's fine with her son calling her 'Dad'- the only caveat is in public, to call her 'Dad' would be to out her, so she prefers her name be used in that context. Also, she also knows me well enough to know that asking her ex wife to share "Mommy" is incredibly hurtful. She was the one I'd call at odd hours crying about how hurt I was by this whole situation.

Also, gotta say as far as feelings- I don't have a problem with her being a female- there are lots of females in the world, there's no reason she can't be one as well. However, I was the ONLY mother my son has (and still am.) By using 'mommy' she IS trying to take my role in a way that taking on the role of female isn't. Or that's how it feels, even if lesbian parents manage it.

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