Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Called my spouse crying about the fact that I didn't want a divorce. I can't change her, but I don't know how me changing will help things here, if she doesn't want to be married, there's nothing I can do.
Asked her what she wants:
She wants to be married to me, but doesn't know what marriage means to her anymore.
She hasn't talked to me about her transition at all because we fight about it- the idea of me being involved in the decision making process somehow still isn't a thing she's even talking about.
Every time I bring up the possibility of bringing sex back she says she feels less interested.
She's working on personality traits that have built up over time- such as convincing herself she wants things other people want in an effort to please others. She ends up hating the thing and to me this sounds like compromise, a necessary element of living with other humans. Unless I am mistaken, doesn't everyone pick and choose battles? Some things you agree to even when you don't want them because they simply aren't worth the fight. It keeps the peace and it keeps loved ones feeling loved.
She doesn't know if she loves me, doesn't want to say it as a platitude. She cares about me.
We were supposed to move this summer so as to make my commute better (I promised my boss.) She renewed the lease on the apartment that's too far because the ones in the neighborhood I'm in now were dingy/ dark etc. She thinks that the schools there are good too (my parents' neighborhood has ridiculously good schools.) Those schools would be a tough commute for her, let alone me, given her work schedule and location. Mine are feasible for both of us. She is thinking me me me again.
Wondering if there's anything salvagable here...
I'm so sorry. I also am completely shut out of the entire thing. I wasn't at first when my wife claimed she just wanted to get a short haircut and wear some gender neutral clothes. I was 100% okay with that, but it escalated quickly, and I voiced my concern, and since then, nothing I say/feel matters at all to her.
The levels of narcissism can be jaw-dropping.
I get that wondering what/if there's anything salvageable. Usually all I want is for things to work out. I love my wife very much. I also want my daughter to have both of us at all times, not splitting us 50/50, etc, and I don't want my daughter to have to deal with all this. Other times, I think it might be nice to not have to constantly deal with all my wife's mean-spiritedness, lack of concern for anyone but herself, etc. But sometimes I see her as she was for the first ten years of our knowing each other, and I just want that back.
<3
Hang in there as best you can.
What if my spouse really is mentally ill and needs protecting from herself (no, not referring to the transness here, referring to mental illness ON TOP of the transition) ? She doesn't seem to want to be taken care of, and her family doesn't seem to know her well enough to know that this is not her normal.
Where does loyalty to one's marital vows to stick by someone in sickness and in health stop and loyalty to one's own happiness and health begin?
I guess the other point I must continue reminding myself is that this isn't just about our marital feelings. My son's feelings have to come first. He's done better with us living apart, and we've both seen that. Also, if I can't get her to a place of better mental health, and she starts spending money recklessly in the name of transition, she could destroy both of us.
Besides divorce, how can I protect my son and I financially?
I really feel you here. My spouse has been trying to get in touch with his feelings, but it ends up being just strictly what he wants with no compromise. I'm like, "Geez, compromise is part of life! Chill!" Especially on issues of like where to eat!
I think if your son is doing better when you are apart, I think that's a sign that perhaps divorce is the best choice. But I totally understand when you say "what does in sickness and in health" mean? I ask myself that all the time.
My spouse recently mentioned to me that he wants the option to commit suicide when he's 50. It's one thing to say, "I feel suicidal and I need help" but he doesn't say that, he's like, "I really want this option! It makes me happy!"