2003 was when I stopped having a sexual relationship with my ex-partner. I tried, but I could not find him attractive. He would dress in suspenders and make up and we would go to bed. It was torture for me. He told me I was a repressed English woman and that people enjoyed all sorts of sexual activity. I began to feel it was me that was lacking. People do not understand. This is is the only place I know we can be heard. Even last night my husband tried to talk about a transgender issue. I told him it wasn't about who feels they need to change or any of that. It was being able to be truthful about my experience. You are absolutely fine and right in your decision NOT to want to live with a transgender person. You have the right as a human being to have a sexual and loving relationship YOU want. It took me several years to understand that and really messed me up. I don't talk about this subject in public. I moved over a hundred miles away and my children (now 20 and 17) have only just begun to tell their close friends about their biological father. I haven't told my new friends as I don not want to get involved in the discussions. It would mean raking it all up and it makes me feel physically sick. If you had stayed, it may have been ok, I can't say it would have been the same as it was for me. I don't want to go into details, but my ex-husband's sexual appetite became increasingly bizarre and misogynistic. I see it, rightly or wrongly, as an addiction that only gets worse the more it is fed. You can now move on, older and wiser, and CHOOSE what you want. Good luck.

Trish, I am on a couple of FB groups, and often read those posts and have to pick my jaw up off the floor. I'm sorry (and I am by no means an expert), but some of those women are not in a healthy place. I mean one woman has decided she likes taking the traditionally male role, so she is playing around with the idea of transitioning from FtM. Several have stayed and supported their spouses only to have them leave soon after transitioning because the cis partner no longer can meet the TI partner's needs. Others have stayed and supported their spouses only to have their spouses "come out" as poly, so now they are allowing their spouse to sleep with other people even though they hate it. Still others do their spouses make-up and then lock themselves in the bathroom and cry because they hate how seeing their husband all made up makes them feel. And almost none of them say anything. They have completely given up their voice. They have become that Crane Wife who continuously accepts less than she needs until she makes herself extinct.

Some knew about their spouse before marriage and I understand those cheerleaders. However, for the rest of us.... we entered into a marriage contract with a heterosexual male, and it is, in no way whatsoever, wrong of us to expect our partner to remain a heterosexual male. If it turns out later that our partners misrepresented themselves to us, breaking that contract is a reasonable thing to do. Do we HAVE to break it? NO. Some are okay with the situation, but none of us should be made to feel guilty or unreasonable for not being able to change who we are.

Good luck to you. I hope your split remains amicable. However, I do hope you take measures to protect yourself and what you are entitled to.

Hi, TrishMica.

I totally support the decision to separate. It has been something that has come up in my relationship too. Currently we are working on changing our relationship instead, and I thought I'd share this.

It's been about 20 months since my spouse first told me about being transgender. He is still using male pronouns and for the most part presenting male. He says he wants to transition but his fears are making it hard. One of his fears is losing me and breaking up our family (married 15 years and one child).

Although I love my spouse and care about him very much, I find the changes difficult, in particular with my attraction. I felt badly that my responses were negatively impacting his ability to transition. I decided this summer to talk to him about these things. He said he was getting mixed messages from me, which makes total sense, as I am ambivalent. I miss what we had but am not excited about the present and uncertain of the future (maybe things will change for me). So, I suggested that we put our romantic relationship on hold. We still are affectionate with each other and share a bed, and we are discussing having an open relationship. Neither of us have ever been in a polyamorous relationship - so presently, we are reading books on the topic (ha!)

In the spring we were talking about separating, thinking that this would provide the freedom he needed to transition. I realize now that he needs my support and even encouragement. I want to be helpful and am tired of being hurt and upset about things. Knowing that my marriage can be flexible to both our needs is hopefully a good step. We are hoping the honest conversations and willingness to have the relationship change might help us to continue. I think in many ways we are better together than as two single people. I also feel very strongly that our son is better off if we can make this work. Thankfully my spouse and I are best friends and treat each other kindly. Our son is growing up in a loving household. I also think if we separated, I would be communicating to my son that his father's transition is unacceptable or that I have rejected him for it. So, I really want to try to make things work. I don't know what the future will look like and am working on being okay with that.

Trish, I feel really conflicted too. I feel like I'm letting my spouse and my marriage down. That said, I don't think I can meet my spouse's needs unless my needs are being met and/or I can't be myself.

Once I read about this woman whose spouse transitioned. The woman wasn't a lesbian, but she couldn't fathom divorcing her spouse. It was like it was more important to stay in the marriage than getting a divorce. And I ask myself, is that me? Is staying married a core part of my self image that I would sacrifice my sexuality? And the answer to that is no for me. Perhaps for a lot of those woman the answer is yes. And that's them, but it's not me.

Thank you everyone for all the support. I wish we could all meet for a coffee and chat!

best of luck Trish, in the end we have to do what's best for ourselves and that's different for everyone. I'm glad it's amicable and hope it stays that way. We'll have to have a virtual coffee instead - we're from all over the world!

Cora, I think some women are willing to sacrifice a lot for their lifestyle rather than the marriage itself, or they feel stuck - I know I do. I have a home that I've worked hard for, and we have bought an apartment that our son rents from us as he has a lot of anxiety and it was a practical way of helping him get a sense of stability in his life, which has really helped his mental health. If we were to separate/divorce I would be unable to continue to support him in that way because of the financial impact, and I am simply not prepared to let that happen because of the potential impact on his mental health.

1newstart, a lot of us who are older had absolutely no idea that's what we were marrying into and that's one of the things that's so painful. There's a real sense for me of betrayal, deception and manipulation. And it seems that it's never enough, whatever we do. When my husband first told me about his dysphoria he wanted to keep it private to protect the kids (all adults) and the wider family. He often said using a female name and pronouns would be a pretence, and what he felt was real and was relieved by presenting as female at home and sometimes in public. There was no question of surgery, hormones etc. Now I've found out he's enquired about facial feminization surgery and voice coaching, plus he has set up an email and social media account with a female name. He's come out to one very old friend who will respect his wish to keep it confidential, but it turns out he's been conferring with them on how to get me to tell our son 'so that I have some support'. And I'm fairly sure he wants to pursue taking hormones without telling me. The financial side of it really adds up too, he's spent vast amounts on wigs, makeup, hair removal, endless books about transgender and all the rest of it. It's exhausting.

Am jealous that some of you were/ are married to human beings that are kinder than my ex is (although I know my ex is not the only horrible human being.)
At the same time realizing that maybe my ex being a horrible a human being as she is makes this easier for me- I have not one trace of guilt because she was awful enough to me that sex didn't play a role.

That said- it was something I tried to bring up. Ooh! How I hated it when she remarked that her sibling wasn't medically transitioning because their fiancee is heterosexual (SO AM I GODDAMNIT!) It felt like apparently I just didn't figure into any of her equations.

Something I realized talking to a trans friend the other day about that nonsense people spout about how your 'sexuality will conform to the one you love'- it's very hard to be attracted to somebody you no longer trust/ feel betrayed by/ resent/ see as the cause of A LOT OF PAIN in your life.

Maybe if our spouses didn't do all that awfulness, MAYBE our sexualities would magically conform the way people claim it will. But we shouldn't feel guilty/ blamed for finding massive the massive emotional challenges/ damage we're enduring to be a turnoff.

[Hugs] Am envious of this 'amicable' thing you people speak of, and sorry to hear that another one did not work out (and it is NOT your fault. You did NOT tell your spouse to conceal this, and did NOT get notified that you would require sexual flexibility.)

and to loosestrife being told that she's a repressed Englishwoman- I wanna go give that obnoxious, horrible spouse of yours a serious talking to myself! (resisting the urge to slap here)- repressed my foot! repressed is the word many people use when THEY are not getting what THEY want! If you're not a sexbot for his purposes, that's too damn bad! Maybe he should try ASKING you what you need for a change. OMG that's obnoxious of your spouse....

Repressed is for your personal therapist, that you've developed a trusting relationship with to decide on WITH you. Not for obnoxious spouse who isn't getting exactly what they want from a person who ISN'T a sexbot!!

My ex tried several times to dispense with his 'other' personality. We threw the clothes and make up out, but it didn't last. We split, amicably, and then he used my name to order large sized underwear online. I ended up nearly 15,000 pounds in debt. The cards were in my name so I had to pay. By this time, any last remnants of my husband had all but disappeared. He seemed to go through different female personalities. The one he finally settled on was 'tarty'. This was one he developed with his girlfriend (after we split). Although they are now not together he has kept that personality. He also wanted an open relationship and to sleep with both men and women. I know it sounds strange, but there was one female personality that was soft and homely. I think if he had stayed in that persona we might have remained friends. However, there seems little guidance for any of it, spouses or those who wish to transition. My ex surrounded himself with a new bunch of 'friends' who all seemed rather mentally and emotionally damaged, but I couldn't say that as it was me being 'bigoted'.
But the truth is, if a person appears proud of having males and females approach them, and they brag about it, which quite a lot of these 'friends' did, I see that as people not knowing who they are. I explored at Drama college, and fooled around, long before I got married and had children. I am not repressed, I have a healthy sex life. But I don't want to share the person I love with strangers, and if I wanted to have sex with a woman, then I would have married a woman. I really feel that there is a pressure on transgender people to transition. I actually feel sorry for my ex now. He couldn't stop buying clothes, make up and shoes for a body he didn't have, bras, for example. We went to private parties where I was the only biologically born woman there. I spoke to many males who were at varying stages of transition. This was 2001-2004. We went to counselling, but his predilections became distorted by these people he was surrounding himself with.
He now has a Facebook page where he lists one of his hobbies as having sex.
I really think that he has almost been forced into a corner to continue. He loved me, that's the tragedy. Yet he lost his wife and his children for his apparent need to dress as a woman. (My son does not want anything to do with him). If he doesn't continue down the transgender route, now so many people are doing it, then what was the point of him throwing his life away? He really has to carry on now.
We all have needs, yet we put them aside for our children. I'm not saying anyone else's ex will behave the same way, but my husband watched me struggle to feed and clothe our children, whilst he spent more and more money on himself. I would never have thought that was possible. But the man I married is lost, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally.

The part about being lost- so much this!
And yeah, I do wonder at the influence of friends and therapists (my ex keeps things too secret for me to know anything about her friends/ sex partners)

I wonder if one of the problems is that people are so terrified of looking transphobic that we are the only ones (besides their children and other transfolk) who will call them out on their crap. Therapists too afraid of their career being destroyed, people in the general public afraid of all that goes with the 'transphobic' label. Thus, nobody says omg! I can't believe you said/ did that to her!

I'd really love if people would start to see them as human beings too, and thus, learn that transfolk have to be called out on their bad behavior just as much as cisfolk...

Hi all spouses and X spouses of transgender people
By heart goes out to you all
We are all living with the fall out of someone else's personal gender issues. I am separated form my MTF spouse
He told me 6 years ago he is transgender I insert that for him he did not understand how he was feeling all his life but I married a man not a women and I want to be with a.man not a women. Not sure I understand that someone can ask you to change your sexual orientation just because they are transgender we need to do what is right for us and they need to do what is right for them
I married a man and I know that man I don't know who she is and I sort of don't want to know who she is
We are working on telling our kids they are young adults and I believe they need to know they need to K is who he really is and they need to know the real reason we separated I did try to keep the family together for 6 years but I was slowly loosing who I am and I came to the realisation that I need to be me not a wife to a transgender person ....
Please keep.in mind that you need to live a life that is right for you and they need to live a life that is right for them .....

Yes catching up for a coffee and a chat would be wonderful but I think we would need a week to discuss all our going on ...plis I live in Australia lol .but I do find this sight very helpful and everytime on come.on here it is all relevant to what is going on for me
Thanks everyone for being honest that helps the most

Hi Otta! I'm from Brisbane Australia! Where are you from??

Ooh I'd love to meet for coffee (ok something without caffeine) in Australia. If somebody funded it and found me the time off from work (in the US here.) Alas...

Trishmica
I am.from melb
Conduseddairy if I could I would .,..