I'm right there with you YellowSubmarine!

I'm kinda in a "wait and see" mode with the full understanding that the other shoe can drop in the future. In other words, if things were so certain for him 8 months ago, I'm going to see where we are in another 8 months.

Sometimes it might help to engage her in frank discussion about the worries and stresses of being a transgender person. "Passing", being financial enough for feminisation and surgery (it is not essential but it would help to know how she arrived at this decision and sometimes it means just a really honest "im on your side" discussion. Coming out can also be a looming thing and some of us just are "low drama" and don't like standing out, are your partners like this? Is cross dressing an alternative? These are just leading questions and by no means is this a checklist for being a transgender woman. Everyone has a unique idea of what this means and you just need to make a frank discussion not stressful and kinda envisage you are talking deep to a treasured girlfriend, to get past any anxiety as you are wives and very important people in their lives. Good luck.

YS, nice to hear from you, I've been wondering how you are doing. I think a few of us here are in a similar, uncertain 'what will happen next and when?' kind of situation too.

While my partner isn't saying he isn't trans any more, he is kind of 'as trans as he needs' at the moment. Which, like you, worries me. Is he just denying to himself? He has actually always said he doesn't want to fully transition, or come out to the world, so there was nothing to change his mind about there. He has also said on more than one occasion that this 'could be a phase', which I don't believe for a minute. I can live with the way he is now (pretty well presenting male with a few female 'bits' - underwear, ladies' jeans, body shaving, a very subtle bit of make up occasionally).
I would dearly love for him to not be trans any more, but this is not realistic. I think you know that, with your spouse too,
All I can advise, is take things the way they are at the moment, do tackle the depression and anxiety issues first. Be there for him, talk to him, support him and accept what he says. Just be aware that the trans issue is almost certainly going to come back one day, but at least you will be more prepared for it next time.
Good luck xxx

Hi! As someone coming from the LGBTQ world, your partners may also eventually identify as nonbinary or genderqueer in some way that doesn't really align completely with either "woman" or "man," or in a way that contains some but not all of the aspects we associate with trans. I think the fact that you are all willing to "wait and see" is great, because it sounds like what your partners need is time and supportive space to explore their identity.

Ayet, that is such an important point!
I am actually really hoping that my partner will identity as genderqueer or non-binary rather than as a man. Gender is a spectrum, and I personally feel that it’s very healthy for gender expression to be somewhere in the middle, rather than be either extreme, becoming a gender stereotype. She’s always been androgynous, and I love that about her.

I'm gonna echo ayet here, I have to confess I find it unlikely that being trans just gets put back in the closet. I've seen a lot of MTF women try to convince themselves that by whatever means they can just stop. I've yet to see that work. Some flavor of genderqueer it nonbinary seems more likely over the long run.

Now the flip side might be I could imagine if I'd gotten to the trans place by sole virtue of outside influence (nurture rather than nature), finding that I needed to return more or less cis identified.

Here's the extent to which I can actually relate to that. My family, both immediate and extended are bizarrely dysfunctional around issues of gender role and sexuality and that alone would have been adequate reason for me to eventually run as far and fast as possible from assumptions of cis gender roles.

Before starting medical transition I spent a lot of time analysing whether those were my actual motivations or was I fundamentally female brained. If I'd realised I was the former I could imagine either in a non-binary identity or even deciding to return to a masculine role after a journey of healing.

And p.s. yellowsub, nice to hear from you and hoping things are well

Thanks for all the replies. All the conversations I've had with him about it have all had the same outcome. All trans thoughts are gone now. He's always been 100% honest with me about his feelings and thoughts about it all, so I don't think that it's fear of not passing (he was concerned with that though). I have the feeling that he's probably gender fluid or non-binary or something though.

I won't lie, it is a relief that he won't be changing so dramatically (right now anyway). I do want him to be happy though, so I'd never stand in his way. It's just been a whole lot of uncertainty for the past 6 months which has fizzled into almost nothing..

Hi YS, I'm pleased to hear that things have calmed down, for now, at least. There is nothing more scary than when things seem to change at a breakneck pace.

Ayet, Pip and Sadie, the 'gender fluid' term had been bandied about here too - from the therapist as well. Like many others, I too believe there are many shades of the gender spectrum - we don't all have to be 'completely male' or 'completely female'. He doesn't want to lose his maleness, but wants to be more female, if that makes sense.

I too want him to be happy so we will see where - if anywhere- it takes us.

Last night my spouse told me that his current state is not his "final form" and his identity is "like water."

I'm not sure how to take that, so I'm feeling very anxious and insecure right now. You'd think that would be a really great place to be, but my spouse isn't very reassuring. :(

One of the people in my spouse's group therapy suddenly came to a session with a full beard, saying he was no longer trans/MtF. My spouse thought it sounded absurd given how the person had previously been. The therapist wasn't buying it either. I hope whatever is the case in your situation, it goes smoothly. Been thinking about you!