Hi I understand ,processing all this information, feeling all over the place,dontnunderstand this situation. Been married for 24 years to my husband I am female hetrosexual. Hoping things get easier in the future for us all

Hello,

It's completely fine to feel all the things you are feeling, I think we're all feeling them. You most certainly are not alone.

I'm new to all of this as well. It's scary and no one except for those of us going through this can really understand what it's like. Just know that if you do choose to leave that doesn't make you a bad person. I had a friend who couldn't see what the big deal was (she's bi) and said something along the lines of 'oh well if you love them it shouldn't matter how they choose to express themselves because they're still the same person.' Maybe that would be true for her, she's attracted to more then one gender. But some people are only attracted to one specific gender. You can still love your partner while being incompatible with them. You don't have to stay if you can't be happy. You don't control your sexuality just your partner can't control their gender identity. Leaving doesn't make you a bad person if that's what you ultimately choose to do.

Staying will be hard initially but a lot of people have made it work. All your dreams for the future, for how you planned your lives working out together are basically getting shattered right now which is both heartbreaking and terrifying. You just have to learn to re-adjust your expectations.

If your partner is in the process of transitioning my advice would be to try and get them to talk to you about it. Ask that they give you a heads up before doing something new. My partner started wearing nail polish and women's jeans and shirts all at once without telling me about it before hand and I found that very overwhelming. When one person in a couple transitions it's not just them transitioning by themselves, the whole couple has to transition into this new life. Obviously the transition is about your partner and what they need and not you, but it still impacts you, your feelings are valid and if you want to try and survive this you should work as a team. I would also highly advice getting counselling to try and navigate the situation.

I hope things get easier

Hello,
I feel the same, I seem to be all over the place, one day ok and another day upset, angry and not knowing what to do because of the uncertainty of where this all leads. It is very difficult to process, especially when you're kept out of the loop. My husband didn't tell me he was going on hormones until after the fact. I seemed to have just got my head around that when he upped his dosage, again without any communication. That was when his body really started to change. Once that came out in the open, he cut back somewhat to slow things down but until when? Was I upset because of the physical changes or because of the hiding and lies? What's worse? I'm dealing with things after the fact, and feeling like I'm not a part of this relationship. If one partner in a marriage can change something so fundamental, without even talking to their partner about it, what value does that marriage have? It's completely true, it's their transition but when you're in a relationship, both partners should matter.

Thank you, it really does help to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this in general. In short (ok maybe not so short), we have known each other for 12 years, been married almost 11. Looking back there were a few things that maybe should have stood out but didn't at the time. For example when dating we had a discussion about wouldn't it be cool to change bodies for a day. Didn't ring a bell for me because yeah I think that would be cool to experience... for a day. There were a few other seemingly innocent comments made over the years. Then when pregnant with first he was sad while saying he wished he could be a female (seriously can't believe had no clue looking back that something wasn't right). Pregnant with number two he said he was gender dysphoric/trans and he wanted to do something about it but not sure what. Over the next few years waves of good bad days and job changes and moves, ptsd/depression diagnosis (I'm still not sure that there's not bipolar in there too).
Over the last two years he put on a little weight slowly, which wasn't out of line he had been in the military and got out and with baby #3 we started drifting apart a bit more. That was really hard coupled with I felt on edge (and still do) about EVERYTHING gender related: trying to figure out if people were stealth or natal, afraid that I would say something offensive about males or females and trigger bad feelings, afraid that I wasn't touching him in a feminine enough way, and even questioning my own gender identity. And I didn't know how to talk to him about it, communication is not my strong point.
Over the last year and a few months add in him having ptsd, depression and adhd diagnosed, a job loss, a new job moving to new state, our 4th child being born to early with medical complications and passing away, less communication between us and decreased intimacy, it's been a roller coaster and more time with dysphoria hanging over our heads (I can usually tell when it's bad, even without him saying it). We had started talking a bit more recently and had a week where there was amazing intimacy (first time in a long time between pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones continuously for 8 years). Then last week hit, he was opening up more and it was a bad week. One of the days he was talking about it and he was telling me that he was sure that he was choosing to be a male because it was best for us and that I could relax and trust him. The next day he shaved his legs (he had shaved chest once before and I really didn't like it but didn't tell him because I was afraid of hurting his feelings) and when he saw that I was freaked out he looked me in the eyes and promised it meant nothing. The very next day he said he wanted to transition. He said he had felt like he wanted to die so he knew he needed to. After talking I left and drove around for a bit trying to process what just happened. When I got back he said he thought about it and he didn't need to right away but we should try to work on the other problems first. Two days later his mom (who is amazing) asked how everything was and that it seemed like he was having a hard time. After I confirmed it she told me had told her he wanted to transition.
We've been talking a lot but I'm not sure any of it is helping anything.

So here I am. It's a mess, I'm a mess and I'm not sure what to do. I'm quite certain I'm a straight female. Seriously boy crazy since 5, though only dated two people including my husband. Never been interested in females romantically at all. In fact the thought grosses me out and he wants to have a lesbian relationship. This should be easy right, just take the kids, walk out the door, set up lawyers and be done. BUT I still love him. I don't want to be apart from him. I don't want a divorce, he doesn't want one either. I'm a child of divorced parents and I don't want that for my children (my oldest has asked before if we would get one, funny how perceptive they can be, and it broke my heart and he's said no before and I know he means it). Also we promised to be with each other when we said our vows and we both take those very seriously. Two becoming one and all that goes with that.
I'm now just trying to figure it out because it's a never ending circle. I don't know that I can stay, but I don't know that I can go. I don't want to hurt the kids (all girls) but I'm afraid either way we would be teaching them not to be their authentic self and setting them up for a really hard time figuring out their own identities.
I'm in my early 30s and I don't feel certain about being done having kids, I want sex with a penis involved, specifically his (we haven't ever slept with anyone else and I really don't want to). Though I do wonder at what point is he no longer him? I mean no matter who you are you don't stay the same person that your spouse married, you grow and change but this is a lot. I feel like him changing to be his authentic self means I have to deny part of me. I'm super conflicted on how to make this work, but I don't think I cannot not try. Though I'm scared for what is ahead, it's so murky. I'm also terrified that this isn't going to "fix" what he wants "fixed" and he will end up more miserable. Though I'm also terrified that it will go wonderfully, which makes me feel like a jerk.

Thank you for listening to my rambling. The only people I can talk about this with are him, his mom and I got a counseling session for myself set up. I really appreciate knowing that there are others in a similar journey, and I have a feeling I have a string of vents and such coming soon.

DoryW all you can do is really take things one day at a time. Sexuality is a sliding scale. Some people can identify as straight but are able to make an exception for a partner that has transitioned. Some people simply can't.

At the end of the day love isn't always enough and if going forward you find yourself miserable then maybe divorce is the best answer. Your kids deserve to have two happy parents. But you never know, just try to to keep open lines of communication and take everything each day at a time. It's a massive change to adjust to, but you might find out everything works out okay in the end. Hang in there.

Hello, I understand what your feeling. I have been with Derek for a little over a month. This is the first transgender man that I have been with. We both are active duty and we both just found out yesterday that the military signed off on all of his paperwork to start testosterone. Its been and adventure with him so far. A lot of times where he wants to just lock himself in his room. Its hard for me because all I want to do is hold him, kiss him, and tell him that we are going to get through this. There is going to be a lot of down times and its going to feel like they are pushing you way, but don't let them. If they want space give them the space, but reassure them that you're still there.

I found out in January that my boyfriend of almost four years is transgender. He started taking hormones a few months ago and the transition is happening a lot faster than I expected. They already have the start of breasts. I am struggling with maintaining a relationship with him. In the beginning I told him that I wouldn't leave. I love him so much, but now I am not sure that either of us can provide each other with what we need. Plus I feel like he has changed more than just physically. I am so happy for them and can see how much happier they are since starting hormones, but I want different things I think. I want kids with my spouse and I want to have sex with someone with a penis. We tried the other night, but it's not the same. The hormones are making it so it doesn't get as hard and it feels different. I thought that these things wouldn't matter, but I'm finding it harder and harder to come to terms with the loss I've experienced since finding out. I recently went to a family gathering and everyone was asking me when I was going to get married. Nobody knows about my partner and I can't say anything, but this question hit me really hard. I'm torn because I love them and want to support them, but at what point do I need to step away because of what I need.