JustTired, you are entitled to whatever feelings you have. Our spouses don't need to be molly-coddled. It does not benefit them at all. Nor do they need to "fix" our feelings. On the flip side, I have found that therapy is good in that you have a safe place to say whatever you need to get out and process without being afraid, or cut=off, or influenced. Your spouse can probably use the same.

I'm glad you found this place. I hope you stick around. There is something soothing about realizing the sheer number of others experiencing this unusual situation.

~hugs

Just Tired, I understand your feelings. My husband has been taking hormones for about 4 years, has breasts and the softest skin! He says he's not transitioning, but I always wonder when he'll decide to move forward. I love him, but I wish she would go away! It's crazy, but the "other woman" is my spouse!

JT, I'm glad you found us. I have voiced that exact sentiment many times. I told my therapist that it was hard because I didn't feel I was allowed to grieve my husband whom I loved whole-heartedly and missed tremendously. If I did, I was called unsupportive or transphobic. However, it wasn't just enough to not grieve my husband. I was also expected to celebrate the woman who took his place. A woman who was a stranger to me and who, quite frankly, isn't very nice.

I think this is when individual counseling is great. My therapist recognized and validated my loss and told me it was absolutely okay to grieve it, and that goes for you, too. :)

I share this same struggle. I'm thick in the middle of grief, and we haven't even truly begun transition yet. I imagine there will continue to be hard things no matter the road forward. I too want to be supportive, but I need to honor and hold my own feelings too. It's a hard spot to be in, for sure, but I'm glad we have each other!

You are allowed to have your negative feelings and grieve. I can totally understand your frustration that anything less than being 110% into the changes are seen as being unfair. But that's not true. It's logical, and what we all go through. It's totally understandable--and we are here to listen.

I didn't feel I was allowed to grieve my husband whom I loved whole-heartedly and missed tremendously. If I did, I was called unsupportive or transphobic. However, it wasn't just enough to not grieve my husband. I was also expected to celebrate the woman who took his place. A woman who was a stranger to me and who, quite frankly, isn't very nice.

this is where I am too :(

Thank you all for the responses. How do you feel about your relationship turning into a lesbian relationship?? I struggle with that. I LOVE everything about a man! I didn't sign up to be in a lesbian relationship! Haha. I often joke that if I wanted a woman, I would go find one...but that's not completely my thing. Husband says he can be both...um, no! It's two totally different experiences...and he is supposed to be my husband...not my wife! Please tell me someone else has these crazy thoughts! Yes, I do support alternative lifestyles, but when it's affecting my personal relationship, it's not okay.
Thanks for letting me vent:)

My husband has asked me how I would feel being perceived as a lesbian. I don't care if other people think I'm lesbian, that's not the problem---the problem is I'm just not a lesbian! LOLSOB

My spouse has tried to bargain with me--saying that this doesn't have to threaten my identity and I'm, like, it's not that it's threatening, it's just that I'm just not a lesbian. Full stop! Some people say they try not to draw "hard line" and I'm flexible on gender expression, but it's just that at the end of the day being in a sexual relationship with a woman is just not my authentic self.

*sigh*

You are who you are, and you are attracted to who you are attracted to. Some women have found that they aren't really heterosexual and are more pansexual or gender blind. Those women seem to have an easier transition than those who are strictly heterosexual.

Make no mistake. Your spouse isn't the only one transitioning. You are, too. You are transitioning to a lesbian relationship, but not into a lesbian. I could write a chapter on that. The legal name change alone has huge implications for you because now you are putting a woman's name down as your spouse, and all the strangers who read it will now see you as a lesbian. They will be nice to you because they need to be, but will you be okay with them now seeing you as a lesbian or will you feel the need to explain that your spouse transitioned?

Please understand, I am not bashing lesbians, etc. Believe me. However, if that is not who you are, it is tough to have people assume that of you. I have a dear friend who is a lesbian and she gets upset because everyone assumes she is straight. She says she has to "come out" constantly because of other's assumptions of who she is.

Good luck to you. I wish you well.

It always strikes me as odd that our spouses want to be their true authenticate self, yet don't support our need as well (ie: hetrosexual woman). I am facing the same thing

I also don't mind being seen as a lesbian, however I am not one. I like being the little spoon, the "pretty one", the romancer not the romancee. And all of that I might be able to adjust to and get used to, however I am not sure how sex will work if he decides to fully transition and have bottom surgery. Right now he says he will not do the bottom surgery, but will fully transition all else. Don't hormones have an effect on your sex life? Ours isn't great right now anyway, but I had hope it would get better once he was happier.

One question and excuse my ignorance. Isn't taking hormones considered transitioning? I was under the impression that hormones was the biggest step next to bottom surgery?

Love and hugs to all of you. I am so sorry we are all going through this, but honestly glad to not feel alone anymore.

I do believe that hormones are a step toward bottom surgery, however my husband says that isn't always the case, I guess we will just see.

Cora and 19years, I love your viewpoints. There is no problem with being seen as a lesbian, but maybe we're just not one! It is not necessarily how you are seen by others but your own internal sense of identity. This is why I always tell my spouse that my new identity issues aren't dependent on how much he is or isn't transitioning. It is not about what he does. It's about who he is (which is not a he, but a she).

Our therapist frames it that everything you do towards correcting your gender identity is part of transitioning. Maybe not a full, public transition, but still a step towards feeling like your true self.

FTR, I don't care how people perceive me, but at first, it was hard. People would say, "Oh, you're not Cindy (not my spouse's real name, btw)?" And I would have to say, "No, I'm Lynn." "Then who is Cindy?" they'd ask. "She is my spouse," I'd respond. Long silence, and then finally, "Ooohhhh. I see."

It was just really awkward and uncomfortable at first. You get used to it, and it gave me a lot more compassion and understanding of what gay couples go through in our society, and compassion and understanding are always good things. :)

19years, hormones do shut off sperm production and will affect erections, but the extent depends on the individual. My spouse currently has the idea that he can medically transition (i.e. take hormones), but not socially transition (use female pronouns, change name, wear female clothing). So, apparently it's a thing, but I'm really not sure how much of a thing it is. I kinda feel once he starts taking hormones, people will know something is up.

If your spouse gets bottom surgery, you can use a strap-on, but actually using one is up to both parties.