Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hi there new friends, Im a 26 years old female, my wife/husband is 24 years old. We have been together for 4 years, and been married for alomst 4 months now. My beautiful wife told me a little over a month ago that she is transgender. It took me by a complete supprise. I was floored. I honestly had no idea that she is this way. Dont get me wrong she/he dresses like a guy. And im ok with that. But this...this Im not ok with. Well some parts of what she/he wants to do im ok with. Like the top surgery. I know she/he hates her/his breast. Ive always know that. And I understand. If II had breast like her/his I would want them gone too. But Im not ok with the whole losing her vagina and gaining a penis. I am in no way attracked to a guy. Yes I have had sex with a guy in the past. But its just not for me, My beautiful wife/husband is going to start the t shot soon. Im not sure how I feel about it. I dont want to kiss a face full of hair. I dont want any of this to hapen. I want my wife back. I cant believe she/he didnt tell me before we got married. This sint something you hide from someone you love. Im not happy in our marraige anymore. BUT Im not going to leave him. I do not believe in leaving your spouse. When I said I do, I meant it. So now Im in this marraige that Im not happy with. And yes he knows that. He has even started going by a different name. I cant bring myself to call him that name. I just cant. Im so lost!
Please know that you are not alone, so many of us are going through similar experiences. Finding out that your partner wants to transition into a gender you are not attracted to is such an overwhelming and terrifying thing. While some people are able to make expects for their partner and are able to stay others simply can't and that's okay as well.
My advice is to take each day as it comes. Try and create open lines of communication. It will help if your partner is willing to warn you of each change before they make it so you have time to prepare yourself.
Ultimately if you can't handle this transition it is completely fine to leave, that doesn't make you a bad person. You married someone who presented themselves as a female, someone who you thought you were compatible with. That's changed now. Just as your partner can't help being trans, you can't help who you are and aren't attracted to. If you can't find a way to be happy and accepting it would probably be kinder to leave and give both of you a chance of finding happiness rather then staying and growing to resent each other.
Unfortunately you can love someone with all your heart but that won't change the fact that you might not be compatible for each other.
Try not to focus on what the transition with entail in its entirety. That is simply just tol overwhelming. Try and just focus on each small change as it comes. You might find that things aren't as bad as you expected once you get used to each change.
I wish you all the best during this difficult time.
Kind regards,
Chrissie
Chrissie seams pretty level headed and calm, offering sound advise. Good Luck to you and keep us posted! Cheers
(he hasnt touched me in over 4 months, note; weve only been married for a little over 4 months)
30-year-old cis female, and my partner is FTM. We've been together 7 years and married 8 months. About two months ago, he told me that he was questioning his gender identity. To me, it came out of nowhere. He'd NEVER spoken to me about possible gender dysphoria, and he'd always identified as a lesbian. He started taking T within two weeks and, as of last week, has officially changed his name and pronouns. I miss my wife so much, and I'm struggling with anger and feeling like he was lying to me for seven years. I know that's not the case, but I've definitely had those same "why the hell didn't you tell me this BEFORE we got married" thoughts. I always identified as queer due to past relationships with men, but this has me questioning my identity all over again. I'm more emotionally attracted to women, and, while I could theoretically find him physically attractive as a man, I don't know if I'd have chosen to MARRY a man. I feel like my own coming own and identity have just been steamrolled over by his out-of-nowhere decision.
In two months, my life has completely changed, and it's just going to keep changing. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to handle it. It sucks even more that it feels so alienating. I don't know anyone else that's experiencing this, especially from a "queer relationship to hetero relationship" perspective. I'd be happy to chat about absolutely anything, so let me know if you need to vent to someone who's pretty much in a parallel situation.
...oh, and taking it "one day/change at a time" is pretty much all that's keeping me sane right now. Good advice from Chrissie. :)