I just celebrated my 35th wedding anniversary. My husband has been cross dressing in secret for 12 years and about 8 weeks ago I asked him if he thought he might be transgender. When he said yes, I encouraged him to transition. We are now both in therapy, but I have to admit that my heart breaks more and more every day. Katherine states that she is a lesbian and wants to stay married if she transions. But I am not sure that is something I can do. So I understand and emphathize with your situation.

Hi everyone, this is the first time I have felt able to post anything about my thoughts or feelings about this. I have been with my wife(now husband) for almost a year. It was a very fast and emotional courtship. I have been out and proud as a lesbian for 16 years. When we were married for 1 month, my wife told me she was trans and wanted to transition. I support that and all of her hoops that she has jumped thru. He is now male all of the time except with work (just not male name due to legal issues), our kids call him Poppy. He has been on T for almost 4 months. He has been packing, dressing and going by male pronouns for 7 months. I am fine with most of it, but lately I am really having a hard time with being emotionally there. I guess my situation is different because I want to make love all of the time, like we did before the transition started, and now he rarely does. I have had to beg him to touch me. I don't even want to do that anymore because I can't handle the rejection anymore. He will say he wants to stop the transition but then when I ask if he feels like a woman, the answer is always no. I want him to be happy and healthy. I know he has to transition for this. I just don't know how much support I can give when I feel so angry, mad, hurt. When I think of his features or concentrate on the changes, I start comparing him to the things I have never liked about men. I brought up talking to a therapist and he refused saying he did not want a third person influencing our relationship but that I could do whatever I needed to. Any advice? Chatting would be welcome

Hello, I am really curious as to if anyone who has posted before worrying about whether they could leave their "lesbian" label and stay with their MTF spouse has actually been able to do that? My wife and I recently had the conversation and she said she would support it and then later voiced her doubts. I know she needs support and she has every right to feel this way, but she is a huge part of who I am and I am so scared I am going to lose her. Please help.

Hi,

Reading your post, and all of the replies is like reading my life! I hope your situation has improved. :)

Does anyone have any updates, or would anyone like to chat? I feel like I'm losing my mind. My wife of 2 years, together 6, has recently began transitioning. I dug in to a few things she said and asked her about 5 months ago now. She said she wasn't sure (I'm doubtful about this now, but that's beside the point) and I actively encouraged her to go to support groups, look online etc to find out because I want her to be happy above anything else, and besides, I don't think I could live with the uncertainty.

She has recently said she is sure, is using a stand to pee device, has started binding, cut her hair and just changed her name. Her family and close friends know, as do mine. She's in the process of paying a doctor privately online for testosterone too.

It sounds silly I guess, but I'm both grieving almost for the loss of my wife, and am struggling with the fact that all of this is so sudden for me and is becoming a reality at a ridiculous speed. I fully understand that for her, it feels like a long time coming, but for me, my life has been flipped upside down and I don't know if I can love (in the same way) the person she wants to be.

So... if anyone wants to give me a few words of wisdom, advice, or wants to talk to someone who understands this situation, please message me. This feels very isolating and lonely at the moment!

I understand how u feel I’m going through the exact same thing and I don’t know how to deal

I’m going through a similar process, it’s really hard. My partner of more than 20 years told me she’s now identifying as trans. Still working out what that means. Thankfully she’s in therapy and taking it slow. I’m still waiting... not knowing what will happen next. She’s always been androgynous, and I love that about her, I am fine with her being genderqueer, but definitely not into the whole “cult of masculinity.”

I hear a lot of spouses on here talking about feeling selfish or guilty. We shouldn’t feel that way. We’re caught in a bind here. We want to be supportive of the person we love, especially when they are being vulnerable and open with us. But we need support too. I could be wrong, but it feels like this group is all women. We women are always expected to support our spouses. To give and give and give. We deserve support too.

I’m one of the ones who lost myself and was left behind in the dust supporting my FtM partner. Take care of yourselves. Get into couples therapy from the start. Speak your truths, your fears and concerns. Communicate, communicate, communicate!

I was certain he and I would make it because our love and connection was so strong but I ended up feeling used and abused. It’s as if he left me as soon as he felt comfortable enough in himself as male. As soon as he started passing and getting looks from gay men, his orientation started to shift. I’m not sure if it was the hormones or if he liked the validation.

I walked on eggshells constantly, he would hide things from me, he became emotionally and sexually withdrawn, his sexual orientation changed entirely and at the end he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore, was no longer attracted to me or women and wanted to be with men. I should mention that he was the biggest feminist lesbian ever before testosterone. He was repulsed by men even. It completely changed his orientation.

I was busy being completely selfless while he was being completely selfish. He silenced me and my fears. He told me he couldn’t hold space for my feelings because he was trying to process his own and that mine would skew his, that he didn’t want to take mine on as his own. I was left grieving silently for the passionate, beautiful lesbian partner I had and expected to process things instantly. In fact, I was once told that he deserved a partner who shouldn’t have to process anything.

At the end when he came out as gay, he told me it was too hard to be trans in a relationship and that he just wanted to focus on himself and his transition and be able to explore without worrying about what I thought.

I held this person In my arms comforting him as he came out to friends and family, supported him the entire journey, sat by his side and cared for him with the surgeries, spent countless sleepless nights in the ER from complications from the surgeries, stood by him during a major psychotic break and manic episode before coming out. I was his sole caretaker after. I bathed him, wiped his ass, set timers all through the night for pain meds, injected his shots. Now I realize how he took so much emotionally without anything in return other than a big “F you. This is all about me and always will be”. Just please protect your heart and always speak your truth. It’s a lie that you can’t be supportive if you speak your fears and concerns. Just do it in a loving, non judgmental way. Don’t silence yourself like I did.