Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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erh1178 08/06/2016

My wife and I have been a couple for 11 years, married 8 years. About 6 months ago she started seeing a therapist for anxiety and then admitted to me she was struggling with feelings of dysphoria. Since then her wardrobe and haircut have become more masculine. While her clothing choices in the past were never especially girly, she did show off her curves. Now it's strictly boxer briefs, sports bras, men's pants and shirts.

I've tried to be understanding. I know that her heart and humor that I love so much are still the same. But I miss my wife. I miss her curves and her eyeliner.

At this point she is still using female pronouns and, to my knowledge, hasn't been trying to pass as male. There hasn't been any hormone therapy or binding. But she started packing this week. She's using a stand-to-pee device that is very real looking. While I identify as lesbian, I've never been in any way offended by male genitals. Still, I find I'm having a huge emotional reaction to this new item.

Maybe I've just been holding back my confusion and frustration over these other changes and this is my tipping point. I've been trying to encourage and support her because I want her to be happy and healthy.

I don't know if I'm strong enough. I don't know how to support her and still process my own emotions. I tried to be honest about my feelings and she's gotten very depressed.

Proudcat 08/11/2016

I'm new here. I am a lesbian also and my wife of 5 years, together 7, has begun transitioning. I recently found out she changed her name at work to a male name. I was honestly pissed at the way I found out. She didn't even have the balls enough, lol, to tell me. I don't know how I feel anymore. I'm a lesbian. I don't particularly want to be with a man. I've tried explaining this to her. She doesn't get it, or doesn't want to. I'm so sorry you are going through this too, you aren't alone.

erh1178 08/11/2016

Thanks for your support. It's nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with this kind of situation.

CisWife 09/07/2016

Hello. *First DailyStrenghth experience*
My spouse of four years (together 8+) came out as transgender (FtM) nearly six months ago. I am completely supportive of his transition, and it has been a whirlwind few months of beginning HRT and traveling out of state for top and sculpting surgery. As a (mostly) lesbian identified woman, I am struggling with our relationship now. It seems no matter how much I love my spouse, and how proud I am of his decision, my intimate feelings are still changing.
I've been disappointed at the lack of resources available for spouses of TG, yet, I understand the overwhelming emotional state of those who have experienced this (and it's taken a lot for me to reach out here, beyond our family and friends-and therapist).
Would be open to chat with others who understand this walk.
Best..

erh1178 09/07/2016

CisWife - welcome to the conversation. First I want to commend you on how supportive you are being to your spouse during transition. I'm afraid I'm not doing so well at that myself. I agree that there is a lack of resources for spouses in this journey. I'd like to find a support group but I feel like the population in my area probably doesn't have many people going through this.
I'm open to chat.
Take care.

erh1178 09/11/2016

Commenting bc I learned that I get email alerts when someone comments but Not when someone sends a message. Had to sign in to see that.

FreeRangeFemme 09/12/2016

I am in a very similar situation. My spouse and I married almost a year ago and he has recently came out as trans and told me he want's to begin the full transition -- get on T, get top surgery, etc. He also has just started packing, which is disturbing to me for some reason even though I have been with men and pre-op transwomen, so it's not the dick that is the problem...it just seems to have happened so quickly.
I love him and don't want to lose him....but I already miss who he was, honestly. I mean....UGH. I know gender is a social construct and within the past few years I have begun identifying as queer specifically because I felt like lesbian was too pigeon-holed and trans-excluding.
But I just feel so awkward laying in bed next to this guy, who I feel I barely know even though we've know each other forever.
I get that people change. Everyone does. But it's just hard to deal with

erh1178 09/13/2016

FreeRangeFemme -welcome. I can relate to some of what you're saying. I feel that as a member of the LGBT community it's important to be supportive and inclusive of transgender people. On an intellectual level, I know my spouse is the same person inside. Still, I can't change the fact that I am attracted to women. This is difficult.

athompson 10/05/2016

I'm new here as well. My wife and I have been together for 3 years and just celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary. About 4 months ago my wife came out as gender fluid. I feel I have been very supportive and made sure to adjust my pronouns etc as their identity flows. However, about two months ago my wife brought up the topic of a FTM transition. We discussed briefly how I would feel about it. I was honest, I am not comfortable nor do I desire to sleep with a man, I am a lesbian. We talked about a partial transition with just top surgery which I am okay with. I know that my wife has always hated her boobs and wanted them gone. Because it has always made her uncomfortable to have them recognised I make a point to in a sense ignore them. However, I don't think I could ignore a penis. I am struggling because I love my wife very much and I don't know that it's fair for me to feel this way. I want my wife/husband/partner to be their truest selves. I don't want to limit them but I can't change that I'm a lesbian. I don't know how to deal with this issue and it's causing tension. I feel like I'm looking at am inevitable divorce in my future. Please help with any insight. Thanks.

Jaxabelle12 10/13/2016

I'm a straight, cis woman married to a MTF man (he still uses male pronouns.) I've been dealing with this for a year and at first I was in shock and just went right along with everything and remained so supportive. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks that this isn't what I want for my future. I want a man. Yes, this person has all of the same memories as my husband but his personality has completely changed. He is becoming the kind of woman I would never even want to be friends with.

Anyhow, my advice is to go with your gut. It seems to really be weighing on you and honestly I don't think that will ever go away. The person you fell in love with will vanish with only small traces left. You need to do what's right for you even if it seems too hard. Good luck. I'm always up for a chat!

birdie23 10/20/2016

I agree with Jaxabelle12. Don't ever feel guilty for not being attracted to, physically or emotionally, your spouse/s.o.
Hormones change a person as does the mindset of what it is to be a different sex and to play out that role.
I think most of us want to be there for our loved ones going through this, but there is a point where you have to take care of yourself and not hold responsibility for your partner's feelings due to their own decisions. Good luck and it is good to hear from the perspective of a same sex partner.

KimberleyS 10/28/2016

I so identify with you. My hersband thinks she is trans. I am wondering if she truly is trans or just has body dysmorphia. Either way I love her. She has a packer and a binder. But both she is timid to use. She wears the binder more and has only worn the packer once to work. She has severe pcos so she grows facial hair. She is also hairy like a man. Which doesn't bother me. I came out late in life and identify as a lesbian. I am wondering if because of her high T levels naturally this is why she feels like this or because she truly is trans. She won't have bottom surgery but wants to have top surgery. Doesn't want to tell her family because the barely accept her as gay. She gets upset because I don't use masculine pronouns with her. But I am afraid to accidently say something in front of her family. It is so hard for me. I want to be supportive but we are in such limbo I dont know which end is up sometimes.

Jaxabelle12 10/28/2016

Kimberley....you'll see it over and over again on these pages and I wish someone had said it to me when this all first started, but make sure YOU have support outside of this relationship. A therapist, friends or support group. Even this group can help. Otherwise you can end up so hurt, lost and confused as to who YOU are and to be honest, this is your spouse's journey and it's very easy to get lost in it. And from my own experience (and many that I've heard) they will leave you in the dust if you don't fight for yourself.

KimberleyS 10/28/2016

It's frustrating. I want to be supportive. But what am I being supportive of. Her being trans? Being trans masculine maybe.....I am just lost period.

Jaxabelle12 10/28/2016

We all wanted to be supportive at the beginning. How could you not? It's a person you care about so much and they are telling you that this is what will make them happy. We become self-less as they become more and more selfish. You have to be supportive of your own well being because honestly, who else will? Your partner is starting on her own journey in which there is very little room for her to consider you. It's hard to hear, I know, but that is my experience and the general consensus around here.

Good luck and feel free to message me!

That1g.rl 04/24/2017

I have been with my wife for almost 6 years, married for 4. When we met she was active duty military, she biologically has three kids that I am working on adopting. When she first told me I felt betrayed, like she lied to me about who she was when we were married. I am very much a lesbian, and while I love my wife, I would be lying if I said I'm not grossed out by male features and body parts...even facial hair. I will always love her, but realistically we probably won't have sex anymore when she starts to transition. I don't want her to feel like she can't be her authentic self. I don't want to be the reason she stays miserable. So I don't really talk to her about my side, at least not now. I feel selfish for feeling this way but I can't lie to myself either.

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