Is it you that's undecided on divorce/ marriage? Or your spouse?

My spouse decided that since I contacted a lawyer separation is probably for the best, and seems to be pro-divorce as of just a few hours ago. I just wanted a lawyer documenting our separation to prevent argument. My in laws are probably poisoning me to her too (they don't know she's mtf yet.) You are definitely not alone here.

What many of us are noticing is that there are two sorts of transition: some folks transition and their personality doesn't change much, and some folks transition and there are drastic personality changes. My spouse basically will drop everything to transition, and her personality is beginning to resemble the worst of my in laws in Jekyll and Hyde format, with occasional bursts of kindness to make me think the old spouse is back.

To say it feels crappy is to put it mildly. You're not alone. Keep written records of what happens as much as possible, taking photos when necessary, in case you need them for divorce proceedings. I've been wondering if the therapists are apathetic to the SO's and your story sounds like another piece of evidence of this. I wonder whether the therapist, or anybody stopped your spouse before she did all of this without you!! [Hugs] It all sounds so cruel and heartless that she didn't even tell you what was going on. Who took care of her post op? Did she actually expect you to wait on her hand and foot after a secret mastectomy?!

I just walked in to my husband's apartment (we've been separated 2 weeks now) to find her wearing lipstick.

My spouse wants to stay married I am the one extremely hurt confused and very angry since I am a lesbian,I dont want a husband.

I feel like this should be abundantly obvious to humans in general, but a reality most of us are aware of: very few people get married to somebody and say, hey you know what would make this perfect? If you got your gender changed!
(unless they knew about a transition coming and were happy about it and etc.)

Somehow this doesn't occur to people like my spouse. I'm heterosexual and didn't want a wife. I am discovering that maybe I could adapt to having one, but not one that's a jerk.

There's definitely hypocrisy here- I used to talk more often in a trans chatroom online and would get ripped into for even the slightest objection to my spouse becoming a woman, even if all I wanted was time. Somehow they must be permitted to be who they are and cannot be asked to change, yet we should change our sexualities on a dime, without complaint, as soon as they ask it of us!

I agree.although I'm definitely pro trans as a whole ,I did not prefer that for my life and marriage and the way everything was done it was very hurtful. I asked several times prior to marriage and the answer was always no I wouldn't transition I'm happy as a female. Now I'm second guessing every thing big and small questioning my life and if I can deal with the pain with settling with the new her or the pain of leaving her all together and not having her apart of my forever like we planned..

All of us her were thrust into a situation that none of us wanted, were prepared for, and in most cases were not expecting.
Regardless of our own sexuality and preferences, our differences are minimal to the pain and deception that we all share.
We are all here for you

Thank you @ldmessing I'm here you all as well. I feel like I'm clinging on to life and I really needed someone who knows what this pain feels like. By far the hardest situation I've been in and I can't see a way out of the misery. Staying strong is so hard to do when the person is who you married and live with have kids with and your living in the same space.

Cheyenne, many of us share your feelings. Personally, I have no problem with those who are choosing to live their life contrary to their assigned birth gender. I am a live and let live kind of girl -- as long as it isn't hurting anyone. And therein lies the catch. The secrecy and the deception has hurt and is hurting others, and that is my issue. You have every right to the feelings you are feeling. You gave your wife every opportunity to that this was a possibility before you were married.

As far as moving forward..... only you can decide if you want that to be together or separately, and she will have to decide as well. Understand, too though, that if you stay, y'all are a team, and as such, you do have a say in the pace and way that this happens.

Some spouses who have stayed have discovered that they are actually more pansexual or demisexual than they thought. Others have had their sexual identity reaffirmed as they know clearly they are only attracted to male or female. And the thing is.... it is all okay. If you are a lesbian and just simply not attracted to your spouse as a man, that is okay.

So, during this time, don't forget about you - your wants and needs. As we can all attest to, transition can be all consuming. It is all about the transitioning partner, and it can be really extremely easy to lose yourself in the shuffle. So, be as supportive as you can, but think about you and what you need to do and need your partner to do to make this possible for you too. Keep the lines of communication open and set boundaries (like honesty - even if you know it will hurt). Then you will be able to make the best decision for you and your son.

Good luck to you. I wish you much peace and strength.

The hiding and deceit is what makes it hurtful. I'm not pansexual etc. She hasn't chosen if she wants to stay gender neutral or fully transition and idk how long I'm supposed to wait to find out when I don't know what's happening in my own marriage. I don't like that all the focus has to be on her feelings when we both are a team in this marriage.my wants needs and feelings are thrown out because she's the one transitioning? As if this isn't a transition for me as well. I can't support someone who is going to lie and hide things from me.if I have an issue or an struggling with something I should be able to voice it but I'm not. As of now I think I know what I have to do. Thank you onenewstart.

And yeah I know how you feel on the 'my wants needs and feelings are thrown out.' My spouse is doing this too. I got angry at her for being domineering and talking down to me as though I were her underling/ a dog/ something. Her focus the next day was on me getting angry, not about the fact that she's talking down her own life partner. When I asked her what she'd rather I did next time she was domineering I got no answer. This has happened repeatedly, where her feelings take higher prominence than mine.

It makes me so mad!

That's another problem that I see with this whole situation. It seems like since the trans world currently has the political/social capital, that the needs/wants/feelings of everyone else are dismissed as less important. It's insane!

I also think that part of it is that I've seen trans folk pushing the idea that people aren't really attracted to others based on their sex but actually based on their "gender," rendering both hetero- and homosexuality moot. Which, I don't think the general public would buy into, but it's definitely an idea I'm seeing put out there to make those of us who are pretty set in our sex-based attractions out to be the bad guys.

@Cheyennenobdy,

Also, I'm so sorry that your wife has gone so far as to have top surgery (dual masectomy) without letting you know. I'm worried that that (or something similar) will happen to us too.

My wife is careful with what she eats, and won't usually even take an Advil, but she's getting a lot of attention for this new transness, and all the websites and gender clinicians push real hard towards hormones, and eventually surgery, being the only real solution that I worry she's just going to do it. I think she'd eventually regret it, but she's so high on attention and ideology right now that she isn't exercising as good of judgment as she has in the past.