Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Been together almost a decade and we have a little girl. I DESPISE this transition, but try to be supportive from an intellectual standpoint. As a spouse, though, I HATE this. I am repulsed by the body hair, particularly the beard, but my partner refuses to shave for me. We don't have sex anymore and I'm accused of punishing "him" for this transition. Maybe I am, but frankly I feel zero sexual attraction now. I might as well be asexual. I love this person--they are my best friend, but I am dripping with anger and resentment and don't know how to get a handle on it and move on for my family. Honestly, if my partner left, I'd probably be ok with it, I just don't want to be the one to say the words and then be accused of "transphobia". And I am so sad to think of breaking up my family because I can't get over these physical changes. I have past trauma that has made me disgusted by sex with male bodies, particularly hair. And yes I've been to counseling, and she basically told me this wasn't going to work. All I want is another lesbian friend going through this to talk to about all this with. None of my friends ever even ask me how I'M doing--it's just 100% support and celebration for my partner, and it never even occurs to them to ask me if I want to talk. I feel as trapped as I've ever been, but with nobody to even talk to.
I'm not a lesbian, I'm a straight female with a MTF partner. Not quite the same circumstance but I understand losing sexual attraction.
I just wanted to say that your sexual orientation and what you are and aren't attracted to is completely valid. It doesn't make you transphobic. You can't help the fact that you are attracted to females.
It really sucks when people say things like it shouldn't matter what they look like on the outside. To some people maybe it doesn't matter, they have the potential to be attracted to and have happy healthy relationships with people of any gender. Not everyone is like that.
It really sucks that you're not getting any support. What you're going through sucks and I completely understand your resentment. There's no winning in this situation.
You can still love a person but not be compatible with them. If you're not compatible there's nothing you can really do to change that. Breaking up a family is heartbreaking but in the long run you would probably end up happier if this is a problem that can't be resolved. Having two happy parents would probably be better for a child then parents who stick together and are miserable.
Your happiness matters just as much as your partners.
I am in a similar situation. I’ve been with my partner for more than 20 years. We have 2 teenage daughters and are legally married. She’s my best friend, and we’ve been pretty inseparable during this time.
Two weeks ago my partner dropped the bomb that she considers herself trans and is thinking of starting “t.” Apparently, this is something she’s been thinking about for 2 years, but hadn’t told me because she knows how I feel about it. In the past she seemed to agree with me that it was a deep loss to the lesbian community that so many were taking “t” and transitioning to ftm.
When she first told me, she said that she had been considering t, but had changed her mind. I was shocked, but relieved that she had decided against it. However, it seems like every time we talk, she tells me something different. Now she says she’s considering it again. When she told me this, I felt like a wave of acid passing through my body. I couldn’t stop crying. It feels like she’s breaking me in bit by bit, dropping crumbs of information, retelling old stories differently.
I haven’t been really been able to talk to anyone yet, and feel so alone.
When I look for support, mostly what I find is support groups for trans folk or forums on being a supportive partner to one’s trans mate. I live in a gay friendly city, and I’m sure there must be other lesbians in my position, but when I look for resources from the local queer center, there are multiple support groups for mtfs, but none for lesbian partners facing this issue. Questioning this is considered “transphobic.”
I feel resentful, scared, and alone. My identity as a lesbian has been long fought for, and deeply connected to being a feminist. I don’t want to be with a transman. I don’t want that dynamic in our relationship.
I hope you are doing better now... take care.
Notbidammit, you have every right to your feelings about your partner's transition. I have no reason to think you are transphobic, just not attracted to men. I am bisexual but more attracted to men, and that preference is being continually reinforced by thoughts of changes to his body that I object to, despite some other changes I find attractive. I cannot imagine what it is like for someone who is not at all interested in the body their partner is assuming. It's unfair to suggest that sexual attraction doesn't matter; it's a big part of what makes them a spouse and not a friend! I am also noticing that most people here have a partner who is mtf, so I feel for you and pip. It is sad that people aren't thinking you need support, especially considering the trauma you have experienced and how this must make seeing her as him distressing. Warmth and hugs!
Ftms in relationship can, I think be harder than MTFs because the effects of testosterone are so profound.
Ping me if you like
"My identity as a lesbian has been long fought for, and deeply connected to being a feminist."
"It's unfair to suggest that sexual attraction doesn't matter; it's a big part of what makes them a spouse and not a friend!"
"Why do I have to be the one who ends this relationship?"
Yes! While I am sure there are differences for formerly hetero- and formerly homosexual couples, as well as couples with MtFs and FtMs, there is so much the same too. Themes like identity, attraction, and control/responsibility constantly surface here. I hope our lesbian counterparts feel at home here as well as we all need each other.
<3
What kind of support do you feel like you need, as a spouse of a transgender person? I am just starting this journey with my partner--and while I have no worries at this point that my attraction or feelings toward my partner will change (I think being a bisexual person who leans a bit gender-queer myself helps), I am hoping to see the pitfalls before they happen so that we both work through this in the most healthy way possible. What has been helpful for people (either for you or your spouse)? What has not been helpful?