Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I've just been wondering - as females, we seem to stick with, or at least try to stick with and support our spouses as they transition to females. If the roles were reversed and it was a heterosexual male who's wife was transitioning to be a male, would he stick with his spouse during the transition? I've never run across that scenario. Have any of you? Why do we, as females, feel we need to support our spouses during this transition, while we sacrifice our own happiness and well being? Do we think we're keeping with our marriage vows of "for better or worse?" I'm sorry for the questions, but I'm just trying to get some ideas from you all.
I've been dealing with my spouse's transgender issues for almost 9 years. I have never seen him dress as "her", but I know she exists when he's alone. He takes estrogen and his appearance has changed over the years. His features are softer and has longer hair. He also wears loose fleece pull-overs to minimize his breasts, when in public. But, it has gotten to the point that I don't like to go out with him or to dinner with him, because so many waitstaff greet us with "Hi, how are you ladies!" As soon as he raises his head and speaks, they realize he's male, and you can tell the staff is very embarassed. It just makes me angry, but I try to ignore it. He acts like he doesn't hear them, but I know he likes hearing it. I just want to kick him under the table and run for the door! He didn't think he presents as a female, and he even asked me if he looked more feminine. I had to respond that his features have changed and when his hair is hanging in his face, he looks like a female.
Every day is a challenge with inner turmoil of wondering do I stay in this marriage "until death do us part" or do I try to find a life of my own. I'm 56 years old and it is scary to think about starting over. We've been married 35 years and he's still my best friend, but I only consider him as my spouse/partner/friend - I don't think of him as my husband and I haven't worn my wedding ring in several years.
He just doesn't understand that his dysphoria also affects me as well. I'm just wondering how the rest of you deal with these types of things while out in public. I really appreciate all of you and your strength.
How long was it between your spouse coming out to you and going on estrogen? I'm just wondering because my husband seems to think that I'm being slow to come around (no kidding) and doesn't seem to be willing to wait any time at all to start on hormones. Or rather, he thinks that the 6-8 months it has been is a long time, and I'm sure it seems like that to him, but I can barely stand that he's started laser hair removal and I never even liked his facial hair.
I"m a few years younger than you, and together 31 years. My spouse has been on hormones for the last 3 years and his body is changing. He's not out yet, but he'd jump at that in a heart beat if he could keep his life as he knows it. It's just going to be a matter of time before his body outs him, and I don't know how I will react. I honestly don't know how he will react. He dresses every day while I'm at work, I've only seen her once. It's just so hard, being in this relationship that I fear I know where it will end up. I'm thinking of you as we seem to be in similar turmoil.
InaQ - we are so similar! My spouse has not told a soul, but we would jump at the chance to be female, if I wasn't part of the equation. He says he won't pursue surgery, but I always wonder.... I know he dresses when I'm not around or when he travels on business. The future seems so uncertain.
Hugs to both of you ladies. I"m glad we have one another for support. None of us asked for this or ever saw it coming when we got married.
1. do you consider this your life after all, or is that a truism up there?
2. if this isn't your life, whose is it? and how can you make it yours?
3. What are pros and cons in this situation?
As for you, I think sometimes we get dysphoria too. Like if dysphoria is a sense of unease, of not being our authentic self, then I can see how being with your spouse can be stressful, because your spouse is no longer your husband and you are heterosexual.
I think it's ultimately up to you about what you want in your life. Would you prefer to live with your spouse as friends? Would it make you feel better if you went out with dates with men? Maybe you can have an open relationship?
I started to let my guard down once we started coming out to our family and friends.