Oh my gosh, I feel the same way as you! My husband is transitioning very quickly and he has so much support. He has not only the support for what he is doing but also people that want to support that community as a whole. I feel like there is not a huge backing for spouses of transgender. I can find a divorce support group but that's about all. Thanks for your words of encouragement!

clshroeder, you're welcome. So true about the fierce support for the TG community. It's as if down is up, night is day and we're the weirdos. I do hope your divorce group can help you even if they haven't experienced the transgender issue. Divorce is painful enough to go through in and of itself.

GoodOldJen,

You are so right...and this is why I keep reaching out to partners. They need to know that they are not "bad people" if they cannot accept this in their marriage. In the same way that a trans-whatever cannot help how he feels and what turns him on, the partner also has no choice in this matter. If this is repulsive to her, as a heterosexual woman, then that is her sexual orientation. It is abusive to advise a partner that she should "get over it" or pretend that this does not affect her at a core level. It reminds me of gay reparative therapy, where a person is told they are wrong to feel what they FEEL. How insane is that?

From what I read on the Straight Spouse Network, this focus on supporting the "nontraditional" spouse is encountered by straights too. Everyone is so concerned about the pain of the poor closeted gay person, that they totally disregard the pain and isolation of the partner. But when we compare the actions of the 2 partners, this is where the my outrage kicks in.

Transpeople portray themselves as tragic heroes, sacrificing their true selves for love and social acceptance. How does a wife explain how it feels to realize that the man she has loved for years is not even the same person he deliberately portrayed himself to be, for decades? How does a wife put into words, the isolation, the panic every time a new lie is discovered, the guilt felt when she reads one more article about how "true love" should be able to withstand the onslaught of feminine characteristics that suddenly have taken over her previously masculine man? How does she articulate how it feels to find herself in an intimate relationship with someone who is fantasizing that he is a woman...and (in my case, at least) pretending that she is a man? How is she SUPPOSED to feel about this knowledge? How is she supposed to feel sexy and desirable as a woman when her husband is making her into something else entirely? How does a woman who is heterosexual even begin to be turned on by the image of the lingerie-clad, shaved, tucked caricature of a woman that has been burned into her brain? How does she explain that, as she looks at her own past, she has been playing a bit part in a marriage where she thought she had a leading role? The deception, omissions, denials, and gaslighting involved in covering this up, don't speak to me of courage. It is a cowardly thing to do to another person.

We are told (by PC by-standers, by "gender therapists, by any self-help books or support sites dealing with this) that we are being immature, selfish, uneducated, closed-minded, or over-reacting, if we simply cannot do this. I find this extremely abusive and dismissive. Our sexuality is not a choice, just as theirs is not. To blame a wife because she cannot accommodate desires that she honestly and reluctantly finds repulsive, when she was not informed of them when the relationship started, is just wrong on so many levels. SHE did not bring this secret into the marriage. Yet she is the one expected to accept a woman in her bed and the annihilation of her own sexuality and sexual preferences...for the rest of her life. This is how I know that these men are not women...no woman I know of, would aggressively turn everything around and blame her partner for the pain that SHE is inflicting on him.

I absolutely agree that every person should pursue what brings them happiness. If these people are living in absolute hell without their nylons and frillies, if they NEED to shave their bodies and mince about the apartment in 5" heels and torpedo breasts, or they will fall into a miserable suicidal depression...then they should do what they need to do. But DON'T excuse them from bringing an unknowing partner into this mess, having kids with her, then EXPECTING her to stay silent, accepting, and the Stepford Wife doormat that he wants her to be. That takes balls that only a man has.

Please, ladies, take care of yourself...mentally, physically, emotionally. Your needs are important. Your feelings are important. Don't let the propaganda out there screw with your head. There are motivations within motivations for the advise given to the partner of a transperson. Be true to yourself, always.

Thank you, Shelley. Very well stated. Trying very much to focus on applying your statement today -

"Please, ladies, take care of yourself...mentally, physically, emotionally. Your needs are important. Your feelings are important."

Thank you Jen for your post. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like a castoff. I needed this. My wife is changing into a man. I'm not gay or bisexual. However I'm supported to act like it's no big deal and my sensuality take a back seat. I was happily married before she informed me of her decision to make the transition. If I don't go "Yay! Good for you!" I'm looked upon as uncaring and unsupportive. Yet she is told how brave and courageous she is for coming out with her change. Nobody cares about the brokenhearted spouses that are left in the wake. There is a line in the song "I Wish It Would Rain" by the Temptations. It's goes, "With this hurt I feel inside... words could never explain." That sums my feelings up perfectly.

Gealtay, it really is the most miserable, bizarre feeling to be a castoff. Words can NEVER explain, is so true. So true too, that the transitioning spouses and their cheering sections expect us to give up our heterosexual orientation. How arrogant is that? Well, it isn't going to happen. I'm already looking around for a "real man". I hope you find someone (if that is your future plan), who is not dishonest, and brings you happiness. You deserve it. I'll be thinking of you and your situation today, and trust that there is at least one good friend in your life that does support you through this.

Thank you, Jen,
It is so nice to have your prayers and support. We are a rare breed. Our staying power knows no bounds. But neither does our strength.

What I have noticed from a lot of spouses of transgendered people is the extreme sense of betrayal that all feel when their spouses "come out". I had written that it felt as if my spouse was having an affair with him(her)self. That was what I had felt and still feel. S(he) is also exceedingly egocentric. The kind of person who gets in my car and changes the station and adjusts the temperature!

That;s exactly how I feel too. I'ts as if s(he) is his own mistress. It seems almost worse than a real mistress. I have been thinking lately as well that it takes a massive ego and narcissism to even go through the transition. No remorse, no empathy, not even an attempt to understand how I would possibly feel about all of it. Yet s(he) gets hurt feelings when I don't want to be seen in public with her in a dress and heels. Like, what's your problem? Everything is so one-sided it drives my crazy!

Thank you, Jen and Shelly, for helping me to see that my way of thinking is not as backwards as my "husband" would have me think. I struggle at times with guilt, knowing the marriage is ending. But other times, I realize my hand is being forced. It is not my decision for him to transition to a woman, nor is it my decision to suddenly become attracted to women. I know what I like, I know what I am attracted to, and I know what I can put up with. He is not the man I fell in love with. Apparently that person was a facade, and it feels like he has passed. I saw the term transwidow today, and I agree with it. Yes, technically I realize the person is still living. But the men I fell in love with is gone, and by his own doing.

Hi everyone,
I just joined this group after reading literally every post I could find. I'm hearing my own story through your voices over and over. I agree, so far this is the ONLY true support I've found for spouses of transgenders. I will post my story as soon as I can bear to type it all out. I just turned 44 and have been married nearly 19 years and I am a very overweight but empty shell of the vibrant gorgeous and independent woman I once was. For years I have been on heavy antidepressants, have gained well over 100 pounds, lost my ability to manage a real job and am personally bankrupt. What little there is left of my self esteem is being used to reach out here and figure out how I am going to save life. God help me.

Oh my gosh you guys this is so dead on... Everything you are all saying..... extreme selfishness, no remorse, no empathy, and yes my husband (or used to be husband) is extremely hurt that I will not go out in public with him/her. The whole world siding with him..... I've lost girl friends over this that he/she is friends with- I just don't get it! I feel so used and betrayed I was with this person for 23 years, raised 2 of his kids full-time and I'm the bad guy. People were even wishing him Happy Mothers Day and he/she was hurt that I didn't acknowledge it with him/her... WTH... I raised your 2 kids and our 2 kids.. Grrrrrr...... And I sit and write this as he is out at his transgender support group tonight... I like the term trans widow-so fitting!

Br0ken,

Please don't allow him to break you! This is your story too. You can recover from this...just open your eyes to what his actions are doing to you. Don't let him define your reality or police your thoughts. Get yourself strong by taking care of yourself. I had sunk so low, physically, mentally, emotionally, before I got out, that only the hope that I could eventually be strong enough to act in my own best interests (and leave!) was enough to get me out of the massive depression I lived with for years. It's not YOU. It is the up-side-down situation you are dealing with. Hang in there!

Shelly

Jen,

I am with you on the idea of the rant.....that's all I feel like I want to do sometimes, but then it threatens to consume me, like the whole trans thing that is consuming everuone right now...but WE have to actually LIVE IT!

I just wanted to share the best link/excerpt I have found. It says absolutely EVERYTHING I have been feeling since my H dropped the bomb on me....

https://books.google.com/books?id=kLhwAwAAQBAJ&pg=PA82&lpg=PA82&dq=wife+of+transgender+needs+therapist&source=bl&ots=4zyeJh3feN&sig=lqXeKCIUOqigah3Ez0f-lZEetj0&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CB8Q6AEwATgKahUKEwimvouJrOvGAhWCRogKHRWsB7s#v=onepage&q=wife%20of%20transgender%20needs%20therapist&f=false

It is an amazing work, and it has been written for US, and at times with input FROM some of us. It is awesome! I almost felt a little better after I read it. Concern for those of us caught in the wake of these "energences" is minimal, but maybe if we start to get a little louder we will be heard.

Please read it.....it's kind of long, but so identifiable! It is worth the time. Maybe some will find a little encouragement in it!