It's not easy going through this alone. My husband of 26 years told me the same thing a couple of weeks ago. This is my first support group as well. I have been feeling the same as you do and felt so very alone as well, but you are not alone in this. I am finding out that the feelings that I am having are not unique to my situation, but are pretty much the same for most spouses. I know that the light is still there, just buried under the sadness of losing the man we thought we knew. Message me if you like.

It is so very hard but I agree it is so nice to know there are other women out there in the same situation. So many questions so many decisions x

Hello,

My partner told me a few months ago that he thinks that he wants to be a woman as well.

I know that everything is so overwhelming and you must feel so isolated but please know that you are not alone. There are so many of us here that understand the pain and confusion that you're going through.

When I first found out I think one of the most important things anyone told me was the fact that if I choose to leave it wouldn't make me a bad person. Every couple is different. Some can survive this and some can't. I know that some people have been made to feel as though their love was shallow or only conditional on their partner being a specific gender which is a pretty awful thing to say to someone in our position. There is a difference between love and compatibility. You can love someone but not be able to be in a happy healthy relationship with them and you can love someone while no longer being attracted to them. If you end up having to leave please know that that doesn't make you a bad person. You can't control what you're attracted to anymore then your partner can control being trans. That being said there are many couples out there who have survived this transition and have become happier and stronger because of it.

I would strongly suggest if possible that you start seeing a therapist whether that be as a couple, by yourself or both.

I wish you all the best on your journey

Kind regards,

Chrissie

^^^ What they all said.

I bet if you met any of us on the street, you'd have no idea we were going through this or that we were the types who'd be part of an online support group. But here we all are. And we DO have this in common. It sucks, but it sure helps to not feel alone.

Chrissie is right, whether you stay or leave, it is important to know it is okay to leave or to even think about it. It is okay to stay too. Just don't forget about yourself in this. Whatever you do, make sure it is for the right reasons. That's where a therapist can be helpful.

I am over 20 years married and found out almost three months ago. We are taking it very slowly and going through it all together as equal partners in the relationship, making decisions together. It has brought us much closer. It has forced us to a new level of honesty that I had never realized in the past was missing. Thankfully, we have both been very kind to one another, which helps so much. My spouse is not seeking any public transition yet, but I know it is always possible, so the future is uncertain and scary. I find that the hardest part to deal with. That is where this community really helps me.

Come post questions, thoughts, feelings. Or message any of us. Welcome to the club that no one wants to be a member of... lol ;-)

I can't begin to thank those above for reaching out to me! It is a huge comfort to know that others out there feel the same way I do. I've battled depression since I was a teen and seeing a therapist for 20+ years.
I know this is going to be a rough journey. No matter where it leads, it will be life altering....

Hi,
It's a difficult position to be in. I am 30 years together with my husband. I was aware before we married he liked to cross dress, so in that respect he was honest with me. With a lot of other things relating to being transgender, he wasn't honest with me, and the lying and hiding has really shaken my trust. As time went on, he's discovered it runs much deeper than cross dressing. As he gets older, his dysphoria gets stronger. He's trying his best to deal with it, but it's hard finding a solution where two people want two different things.
He's slowly been transitioning over the last two years. He presents as a man, and no one in our family or social circle knows. He's started hrt, starting with testosterone blockers and is now on low dose. He's at a point right now trying to decide to go forward with his transition. I too am at a point where I have to decide what I want. I know I don't want to be married to a woman. I found an article that I can so relate to.
http://web.archive.org/web/20090626024030/http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html
We will see how things progress. It's tough right now though.

InaQuandary,
Thanks for the article. WOW! Sure touches on a lot of what is passing through my mind these days.
I'm struggling with it all, but immediately I'm just trying to get my husband to see the need to slow it down some. He's never been the sort of person to take things slowly once he's made a decision...
fantastic for him, but hell for me! I need TIME!!
It's mind boggling to think that he tells me that he is still the same person he was when I married him....ummmm NO!

InaQuandary,
Thanks so much for the article! I really can relate to most of it as well.

@InaQuandary

Thank you for that article! I really needed to read that this morning.

Good article!

To Chrissie,
I read the article and You are an angel for sharing it. One thing I worry about that no one has mentioned is the financial hardship that will befall the woman who has spent her life caring for the family and has had lower paying jobs than the man. I have no retirement, I have only been a professional educator for a few years so the retirement will be a pittance. If I leave, we sell the house, as I can't afford it alone. I have a huge car payment now, as we were preparing for retirement by making the big purchases now and having them paid off when we retired. I do not make enough to live and save on my own. When I do get to the point where I can not work, how will I live. I fear I will become the very bag lady I have joked I would become. Fashionable bags, but none the less a bag lady. I have no family left. My daughter is in another state and doesn't make any money either. I almost feel at this stage of my life I am stuck. If I was younger, I feel I would have more options. I don't hate my partner, I don't even really feel like I need or want to leave, but I also do not feel that is even a choice at my age.
I will end on a positive - I really enjoyed the article, the forthright manner in which you shared your experiences. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be a member of a support group, let alone one of this nature.

Hi all,
I'm glad you liked the article, it certainly hits home on a lot of points.
I too feel your fear of the future, it certainly isn't what I imagined it to be. I am pretty certain if my husband transitions, I will leave. The hardest part for me right now is his indecision. Every day I come home from work wondering if this is the day that he's decided to transition. He loves how his body feels on hormones, and I am certain he will never give that up. He's had a taste, absolutely loves how it makes him feel, and he wants more. I know it's just a matter of time before he increases his dose, or decides to go to a full dose. He's amazed how I can be so confident in his future decision to transition when he tells me he hasn't decided yet what he's doing. Here's the thing though, he has decided. He decided when booked that appointment to get hormones. We'll see how it goes.

@17whoaminow

I know how you feel. Even though I'm in my thirties, I don't feel like I have many choices either. We were hoping to have a child together, but now I'm thinking that would not be a great decision since I don't make much money. My family is in another state so while I have that option, if we do have a child together, it would complicate things.

If I were 23, I wouldn't think this would be a big deal, I could move on and start over. But since I'm 33, I feel I have no good choices.