Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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ChrissieJ 09/26/2017

I've been with my partner for about 4 and a half years now and he (still using male pronouns) is honestly my best friend. About 6 months ago he told me that he thinks that he might be transgender and that he wants to explore these feelings. He's now fairly sure that he is a girl and I think he wants to start openly living as a girl on a more full time basis.

I'm a straight women who is not romantically or sexually attracted to women. I admire women, and think they are beautiful, but I don't want to date or sleep with them. My partner knows this.

My partner has grown out his hair, shaves off body hair, sometimes puts on make up and sometimes goes out into public wearing female clothes. He wants to eventually change his name and pronouns. He has also joined a facebook group for gay women in our area and they meet up about once a week to hang out.

I love my partner more then I can express with words. We'd planned out our futures together. We wanted to get married when we had enough money and start a family. That's all starting to slip away. The country where I live doesn't even have marriage equality yet and the other day in passing my partner mentioned that they don't want to have kids. I also don't really feel attracted to my partner, not they way I used to. I was scrolling on instagram the other day and found an old photo of him from around 2 years ago before he started feeling this way (he has explained to me that he didn't start having these feelings until he saw a photo of himself with a make up filter on snap chat and realized he liked the way that photo made him look which basically starting him slowly questioning his gender and come to the conclusion that he is trans), seeing how he used to look made me start crying because it just hit me so hard how much of the man I love is gone. Obviously male or female, he is still the same person at heart, but a lot has changed and many of the tiny things I loved and took for granted are gone. At best some days I just feel numb to everything.

It has gotten to the point where I know that I will continue loving my partner but I don't think we can truely make each other happy anymore. Not unless one of us lies about how we really feel.

I'm terrified of leaving though. His absence would leave a massive hole in my life. When you're only 23, 4.5 years is a long time to have been with someone. Basically my entire adult life. While I do have friends everyone is so busy with life, I rarely spend quality time with my friends and instead spend my days off with my partner. He has depression and anxiety, and it's bad. He has been struggling with it for a long time and I am his main support system. His therapist even says that I make a very positive impact with helping him manage his mental health issues. Being in a serious relationship with someone who suffers badly with their mental health is difficult, but I'm used to helping him through all the dark and hard times. I am terrified over what will happen if I leave. His family aren't the best, they don't really belive that depression is a real thing. His best friend also suffers from mental illness and sometimes can't really be there all the time to support him because they are going through their own issues.

I know that from a logical perspective that leaving is probably the right choice to make. I don't want to be in a relationship with a woman. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can but this simply isn't the life I want to live. He knows that I don't want to be in a relationship with a woman and has even asked me to please not force myself to stay with him if it is going to cause me pain. But I'm so scared of leaving.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Sylph 09/26/2017

Hi Chrissie, we all know exactly how you feel. It's really a question of how far your partner wants to go, and how far you can go each step with him. I'd advise you take it one step at a time, and explore each other's feelings and boundaries at each step - it's not JUST about him, it's as much - or in many ways even more, as this isn't something you have chosen - about you. I too cry when I see Facebook photos of my guy a couple of years ago. He hasn't actually changed physically that much - he's always had long hair and his female clothes are not very female at all, but it still makes me sad. It's a long hard road, that none of us want.

Keep talking, we are all here for you.

Syl

gallinarosa 09/26/2017

If you have truly looked into your heart and with an open mind, know that you cannot feel attracted to your partner as a woman, and your partner has looked into their heart and knows they must live as a woman without compromise, then splitting is the really the only choice. If that is what must be done, know we are here for you!

Cora 09/26/2017

ChrissieJ, are you me but just 10 years earlier? :)

It's so scary, I'm right there with you. You don't have to make any decisions today, but I think what I would start doing is imagining your new life. Start touching base with your friends again. Figure out where you will live and what you will be doing. You don't have to cut your partner out of your life--maybe start imagining what your support for him looks like. If you are no longer together anymore, perhaps you can still occupy him to the doctor's office on occasion, or something, things like that.

17whoaminow 09/27/2017

Welcome Chrissie. I am so sorry to hear that you are now a member of this struggle, but glad you found us. I applaud your strength and compassion. Please know that we can not control, change or fix anyone, but we are responsible for ourselves. Only when we love ourselves can we love others. You must love yourself enough to make the difficult choice, and you can do as Cora suggested and keep a friendship open with your man. You don't have to cut them out of your live entirely. You actually gave some comfort to me, as I think that might be an option for me. I can still be his friend but I don't have to be his wife. You are young, your are smart and you are strong and whatever your decision you will make it.

Leonie64 09/27/2017

Chrissie, you are doing an amazing job articulating your situation and how it's making you feel. Some incredible wisdom from others already and I second everything they've said.
I know it's SO hard but in the end you can't change a person, you can only change the way you deal with them. And although it may be very hard for you to believe, you're lucky to be young enough to move on if you decide that's what is best for you. If you're unsure, try to visualise your situation in 5 or 10 years time - can you see yourself happy and fulfilled, or do you have other hopes and dreams?
I empathise that your partner has anxiety and depression and applaud you for being there to support and sacrifice some of yourself - the question is, do you want to keep doing this forever? And as many of us ask ourselves, "what about me?". Who's going to look after us and support us? It seems we have to do it for ourselves!
If it's something you think will help, please try to speak to a counsellor or therapist. And keep communicating as best you can - ask questions, offer support and also set boundaries for what YOU feel comfortable with. In the end it's your life and it can be scary and hard but hang in there!

InaQuandary 10/04/2017

Hi Chrissie, it's so difficult and I know how you feel. I found out my husband (boyfriend at that time) liked to cross dress. At that time, (30 years ago) transgender wasn't even in our vocabulary. I/we thought this was just something he could deal with, we were wrong. The dysphoria gets worse as they get older, it doesn't get better or go away. You have to decide is this someone you can stand side by side and create a life together? Some wives can, some cannot. You're not a terrible person if you can't. It's so much harder to deal with when you have kids, and have built a life together that is so intertwined. I agree with Leonie64, you need to decide what's best for you and you're lucky to be young enough to move on. Hope you're doing okay, and know you're not alone as you're trying to figure things out!

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