Oh YS, what a mess. Your mind must be all over the place! And it sounds like your spouse's mind is even more all over the place. It's unclear from what you say if he thinks he is trans, or if he is sexually attracted to transwomen. I think the porn sites make it sound a bit like it is a fetish/fantasy of his.
I can't remember if you said he's having therapy. I think in the current situation he really needs some sort of advice and guidance to help him work out what is happening. Very hard for you, the worst sort of limbo.
Keep talking to us, and please don't think you are stupid! We are not mind readers.
Take care.

The not knowing is really the worst of it. Leaves you with not much information to make good choices with. I definitely understand that. You’re not alone...

Well, spending lots of time looking at trans women's bodies and commenting on them sure sounds like dysphoria to me! People with healthy self-body image don't do that.

It sounds like he's trying to figure out what he really wants. If he isn't in therapy alrighty, I would help him move towards that. While looking at photos online may be helpful in some respect, at the end of the day, he really needs to figure out what he wants, and he's going to have to acknowledge them, and if not to you, then hopefully to a therapist.

It's definitely a case of he wants to be the woman rather than be with them. He finally told me (after I asked him explicitly) that he would be happier as a woman, and he does want to transition. I feel like it's the beginning of the end. He is in therapy. I've asked him to ask her if she thinks it would be a good idea for me to come to a session.

YS, so sorry. It should help in some way for you to go along at least a couple of times. I know this isn't a scientific study, but from the small sample size on here, it seems that transition is nearly inevitable. I just wish the process didn't feel so misleading for us.

My therapist mentioned that porn could be an outlet for transfolk to explore that other side. Albeit, not a healthy outlet if it is uncontrollable or gets in the way of your real life relationships.

I don't have any good advice. Just hang in there <3

I know this is hard, and it is clearly jarring to have to shift your view of your partner; but is there a way to reframe it not as the beginning of the end, but as the beginning of something new? It seems like it's different for me coming from the LGBTQ world myself than it is for a lot of people in this group--I don't have the idea that cis-hetero etc, is normal, because it never has been for me--but really your partner will get to finally be the person they are, which could make them better able to participate in your life together when things settle down a bit. Unless you know about yourself that you could NEVER be with a woman, in which case it's still not "the end," it's just your relationship and life will look different. You can still be involved in each others' lives if that is something you want.

YS, don’t feel stupid. Its been quiet at my house and I was hoping this would pass...

It’s not.

Ayet, I am in the LGBTQ community, and I am suffering too.

Ayet - I think you're missing the point a little, or maybe I have misunderstood your post, in which case, I apologize. However, for many of the members of this forum, it's not a case of not wanting their SOs to "finally be the person they are," it's about the end of the person they committed to in their relationship. This is very much a grieving process, but unlike the grief experienced when someone dies, this is protracted and complicated by the very nature of transition being a complex change.

Again, I'm sorry if I have misunderstood you.

YS - your frustration is understandable, so don't be so harsh on yourself. Give yourself a little grace and try to recognize what is/isn't in your control.

YS, please don't feel stupid. You are trying to deal with a really complex issue on your own physically - we are here for you in spirit! I agree with pip in that I doubt it will go away.

I went along to a couple of therapist sessions and in hindsight I didn't really get much out of it - the focus was pretty much all on my husband and there was an assumption that I was ok with the whole trans situation, which I'm not. There's a big difference between accepting something (pragmatism) and embracing it.

Try and stay positive - we all know how hard that can be!

And thanks pip for pointing out we are in the LGBTQ community, even if it is inadvertently.

I was just trying to suggest another lens. When I'm upset about something, re-framing the situation often really helps me to see it differently. I thought we were here to suggest things that helped, so that's what I was trying to do.

Also I'm not saying that you can't suffer if you're queer and have a transitioning partner--this process has challenges, that's why I joined this group. I just do think that already identifying as queer for me personally has made it easier. And I guess it's just a difference in how we see it. I don't at ALL feel like my spouse is dying or it's the end of them as a person. So we just have different feelings about it.

I'll be going to his next therapy session with him, maybe it'll help me to stop worrying so much, and maybe he'll open up more and I'll get some answers. He knows how I feel about it all. He's hoping that the therapy session will alleviate my fears, but I'm not sure if it will. Transition would mean the end of him, and start of something new that I would never have chosen in the first place. We will always be in each others lives no matter what since we have a child together, and planning for number 2. I think he'll always be my best friend.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I can totally relate, my partner has seen a gender therapist once. Totally came out as trans and now it's sitting at a maybe I am. I honestly don't know how to feel anymore. Back and forth is so emotionally exhausting. I know how deeply Ive been in love with him these past 8 yes we've had our times. But this seems to top it all.