Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I don't know how to make the decision on whether I should stay or leave. I'm a straight cis female with a MtF partner. I'm not attracted to women and I don't really want to be in a relationship with a women. I've been with my partner for over 4 years, they are my best friend, we love each other so much and the thought of not being together is terrible.
I've always stood by my partner during the hard times. They suffer from depression and anxiety and went through a long period of unemployment which only made their depression and anxiety worse. No matter how hard it has gotten, I have always supported them. I'm worried that at the moment I can't support my partner the way I ought to be. I have to pretend to be excited and supportive as they make changes when all I want to do is cry. I'm scared of the reactions my family and friends will have. My partners friends are being really supportive which is great, I wish I could do the same. Unfortunately there is a big difference between a friend transitioning and your partner transitioning.
My partner has said that they are willing to not get bottom surgery so that our sex life can remain the same.
Some days I feel like maybe there is a chance that I can do this, I can stay and maybe somehow all the pain and confusion will end and we can go back to being happy and comfortable around each other again. Other days I feel like the only way we can both be happy is if we separate.
Whether I choose to stay or leave is going to completely change the course of my life.
Does any one have any advice on how to make this decision?
I have been wondering how you've been. I think we have similar feelings and you are just slightly ahead of me on this journey, so I am always curious where it is taking you. Recently I have found myself with obsessing, looping, negative thoughts so I am trying to not read too much online. I worry a lot about getting stuck in that limbo where there is no bigger plan to guide you, yet changes are happening without that guidance, so you are going SOMEWHERE, you just don't necessarily feel like you have any control over where it is going and what the end game is.
I am trying to impose milestones on our process - dates to sit down formally and reevaluate where we are. I made my husband (he still identifies male so we still use male pronouns) promise to make any changes one at a time, discussing with me prior about which change will come next, how we both feel about it, how we feel once it is implemented, and how we feel after some time has passed and we have lived with it. We haven't tried this out yet, but I am hoping some structure and some self-imposed moments of reflection will help both of us feel more in control instead of feeling it controls us.
I have also had to learn not to act on the constant desire to want to help and support him. I realized that I was giving him the impression that I would be there forever, unconditionally. I don't like making him or us uneasy and unstable, but he also cannot promise me that nothing will change from his end, so how can either of us know what the future will bring and make unconditional promises? I made a note to myself that it is not my job to be the cheerleader leading the charge towards transition.
I doubt any of this helps make a decision. Are you guys in couples' therapy? If not, a good, unbiased therapist could help. Also, maybe an honest evaluation of how your feelings have been evolving, if they have. The one thing that keeps me here is that I can see times where I thought I felt very strongly one way and then in a short time, was able to move on. Like initially I thought I would have a really hard time getting over the trust issue, but then I was able to forgive him almost instantly.
If it helps, I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts and well wishes <3
Many times I ask myself whether I should leave or stay as well. Parts of me want to stay because I love my husband. I want to be the person that is by his side as he transitions to the woman he wants to be. Other parts of me want to leave because I cannot see myself loving 'her' the same way I love my husband. I feel as though so much would change. And like you said, whether I choose to embrace his change or reject it, either choice bring about HUGE change in our lives.
At the end of the day, I am going to do my best to stay with my husband. I made a promise to my husband to love him unconditionally no matter the circumstance. Though it is not the path I wanted my life to take, I feel obligated to embrace it and continue to be my husband's biggest fan!
I hope this helps shed some light, and I can completely relate to the confusion your feeling. <3