I'm very aggressive so don't ever do anything i say, unless you seriously want a fight on your hands, but most likely i would cut them to pieces and theow them in yhe trash. If i could control myself and needed the money, i would probably return them immediately, like the next time he went to the bathroom or the very next day. At the very least o would call bullshit and tell him not to ever buy me another gift like that ever. Of course, if you're going to go along with him on all of this, then obviously i wouldn't handle it that way either. I didn't read your other post all the way through but if you don't have kids and dont want to live a nightmare, i would leave. If you do have kids and can get away, i would. This is its own kind of hell and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. I would also tell a levelheaded person immedoately, not to gossip or embarrass but to gain perspective. You are not required to keep his secret. I would never be malicous or have ill intentions towards him but you take care of you first. This is not the time to have sacrificial love. The nature of the illness makes them selfish and self centered enough. Also, make no mistake, regardless of what you are told they are very sick. You can't save them. Unless you want to be the lowest man on the totem pole, never considered, never put first, always lied to, etc., get out if you can. Tell someone who loves you and ask for help. Get a counselor who knows this is a sickness. If they even imply this is normal, get a new one. This is not mentally healthy or normal. Sorry. Just trying not to sugar coat it. Other people will have gentler guidance.

That's so rude of him. He likes this and HE thinks that you are into it too. You need to be straight forward with him. Just tell him that there is nothing about this that is cute or funny or sexy. I asked mine once, if I did this to him, grew out facial hair, hairy chest and cut my hair short would he be into me... He looked at my dead in the eyes and said, "Nope." I said, "There you go." How do they expect us to just accept all this? They would be running so fast out that door... hypocrites. And if they say they are cool with it... bullshit. Men are visual and if we changed into men... unless they are truly gay... it's a no. In fact I think that a lot of these men are turned on by the woman that they are representing... which in turn makes us feel even less necessary. Jerks.

Begin to prepare yourself emotionally to leave, and then do it. Things will only get worse.

My advice is based on my 20-year marriage with someone who was in such denial that he didn't mention his gender confusion when we married.

This is your husband's issue, which will become yours, if you stay with him. Even more so, if you keep it secret.

Leave, and take good care of YOUrself.

Yeah, what StrongerToday said.....EXACTLY. Not to be negative but I would try and get out ASAP. You (and kids if you have them) will always just be an afterthought.

Oh my god, StrongerToday said it all and so well. You have every right to lay into him. And EVERYTHING StrongerToday said is spot on. Do NOT let anyone tell you this isn't a mental health issue and if they do, ask them to prove it........then bring back that info to us and I will tell you if it is true or not. We're here for you. Stay strong!

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my post here. However, many of the comments are disturbing me.

I need to know what the purpose of this group is, because I think I made the wrong assumption about what that is. Does this group exist for people who want support in being married to someone who is transgender, or is it for people whose marriages are ending/have ended due to their spouse being transgender?

My son and best friend are also transgender, and that is not a mental illness in itself. I resent any implication that there is something wrong with them.

I joined here because I need help with navigating the changes in my marriage from people who are in that situation as well. We have no plans or desire to divorce.

Ima, your initial posting is not consistent with what you are asking in the above comment. You talk about navigating the changes in your marriage in you comment, yet in your original post, you are livid at his actions... which one is it?

If you aren't bothered by his change, what kind of support do you need? Am I just reading this wrong? I'm confused at your intentions.

Most of us here have been blindsided by this change in our lives and are trying to cope with the pain of it all. That's what this support group is for, and that's what it seemed you were also dealing with.

As for the mental illness... as Birdie said, prove that it's not. I'm not being rude, we really want to see evidence of it NOT being a mental illness, so we can make some sense of all this too. Our worlds have been turned upside down.

Yes, I was livid - cisgender couples get livid at each other too! I posted asking how I was supposed to react to his "gift" to me when it was obvious that he wanted it for himself. I supposed that the cisgender women here with MtF spouses have experience with their spouse wanting to use their women's clothing, and how they felt about that. What made me livid was the lie that it was for me - my intelligence was insulted, and the fact that he seemingly believed I was stupid enough to fall for it. I wanted to get some feedback before I discussed the situation with him. The same situation could easily happen in any other marriage - my brother once bought his wife a hunting vest, but it was his size and she had never gone hunting with him...and he knew she didn’t have a desire to ever go...he evidently thought it was hilarious. Jerk.
I am indeed struggling with the pain of essentially losing my husband - I am now married to someone who I hardly know in a relationship capacity, and who he doesn't really know yet either. I'm going through the stages of grief daily - not necessarily in their usual order, and I go through them backwards sometimes. He sent me a picture of himself on his lunch break today, looking like the man I married - very handsome and masculine in his uniform. He sent the picture to show me that he is wearing layers, because I was worried about him working outside in freezing temperatures. No one at his workplace knows that he is transgender. He works in a position which is usually held by males - the percentage of women who work in that capacity is in the single digits.

I don't know a single transgender person who decided to transition with the intention of causing pain for the people in their lives. It is undoubtedly a painful process for everyone involved anyway, sadly. I want my spouse to be able to live an authentic life, free to be who he really is as a human being...even if that means our life together changes in significant ways. He will undoubtedly make mistakes with our relationship during this journey, and I will too. It will be hard. Life is hard. Cisgender people make mistakes in their marriages too. I can't run because it's hard, that does not justify breaking my word to chose love "for better or for worse", and upheaving my children’s lives. He is a good partner and a good father.

I'm happy to provide that being transgender is not a mental illness. There is a lot of scientific research that has and is being done about gender identity. Asserting that you are able to make an accurate diagnosis is erroneous on your part unless you are in fact a licensed practitioner in mental health treatment. Remember, homosexuality was considered to be a mental illness not too long ago in recent history. Of course, the science unequivically disproved that. Claiming that having a sexual orientation other than heterosexual is a mental illness is incredibly homophobic. Likewise, claiming that being transgender is a mental illness is incredibly transphobic. I don't see how transphobia has any place in a support group for those with transgender loved ones. We're all in painful and confusing circumstances, but having so much resentment and anger about those circumstances - so much so that it results in you falsely accuse them of being broken for being assigned the wrong gender at birth, and subsequently feel justified in abandoning them...and telling each other that is the answer to the questions which arise from being the spouse of a transgender person - that's not helpful or supportive. Placing false blame on your spouse (which is emotional abuse), intentionally creating insecurity unnecessarily by fracturing your family and separating children from their other parent...these are being presented as solutions? That's not support - that's harmful to the group member's ability to make rational, responsible, and mature choices in how they respond to the challenges of these circumstances we're in.

According to the American Psychological Association: "A psychological state is considered a mental disorder only if it causes significant distress or disability. Many transgender people do not experience their gender as distressing or disabling, which implies that identifying as transgender does not constitute a mental disorder. For these individuals, the significant problem is finding affordable resources, such as counseling, hormone therapy, medical procedures and the social support necessary to freely express their gender identity and minimize discrimination. Many other obstacles may lead to distress, including a lack of acceptance within society, direct or indirect experiences with discrimination, or assault. These experiences may lead many transgender people to suffer with anxiety, depression or related disorders at higher rates than nontransgender persons.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), people who experience intense, persistent gender incongruence can be given the diagnosis of "gender dysphoria." Some contend that the diagnosis inappropriately pathologizes gender noncongruence and should be eliminated. Others argue that it is essential to retain the diagnosis to ensure access to care. The International Classification of Diseases (ICD) is under revision and there may be changes to its current classification of intense persistent gender incongruence as "gender identity disorder."
My son is a patient at the Seattle Children's Hospital Gender Clinic - they use a treatment model which has great success in Norway for the last 20 years. The World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) promotes the highest standards of health care for individuals through the articulation of Standards of Care (SOC) for the Health of Transsexual, Transgender, and Gender Nonconforming People. The SOC are based on the best available science and expert professional consensus.
The overall goal of the SOC is to provide clinical guidance for health professionals to assist transgender, and gender nonconforming people with safe and effective pathways to achieving lasting personal comfort with their gendered selves, in order to maximize their overall health, psychological well-being, and self-fulfillment. This assistance may include primary care, gynecologic and urologic care, reproductive options, voice and communication therapy, mental health services (e.g., assessment, counseling, psychotherapy), and hormonal and surgical treatments. While this is primarily a document for health professionals, the SOC may also be used by individuals, their families, and social institutions to understand how they can assist with promoting optimal health for members of this diverse population.

So to answer your initial question, if something your husband does bothers you... you need to talk to him. This has nothing to do with us.

Thank you for your response on the mental illness question... it still doesn't convince me that this is a mental illness. On the contrary it does cause mental distress to the individual. Otherwise it wouldn't be an issue. Not feeling like yourself in your body is an indicator that something is wrong.

Hmmmm...
WPATH supplies health support for the actual transition itself and the social stigma that it entails. That is what the psychological community is promoting at this time.
Homosexuality is different from body image issues, like gender dysphoria. Researchers have come to the conclusion that homosexuality MIGHT be genetic, but they haven't found any specific genes. I get tired of people comparing sexual preference to body image issues. They are two different things.
There is no indication that feeling like you were born the wrong sex is genetic or produced by fetal hormone surges (which are the two arguments out there. The same two studies are being used for a number of articles on transgenderism and each study was only done once, and each study, if you read the actual research paper, says that the end result is inconclusive and stated that the scientists behind the studies can attribute these feelings of being a different sex most likely to environmental issues and not biological).
There is no evidence out there. There IS evidence, however, when you start connecting the dots, that this is a state of being that is unhealthy. The feeling (of being a different sex) may not be the mental illness, but there is something behind it that is the cause of such a feeling. It is an extremely complicated issue that involves how a person was raised and what society dictates.
We, here, in this group have experienced the same selfishness, the lying, the betrayal, and other behavior that is not congruent to a healthy minded individual, in regards to our partners. You may be on the cusp of this....your husband lied to you, gave you something that was intended for him. (Your friend isn't in the healthiest relationship if her husband did something similar..it is not normal behavior) This kind of behavior will not stop.
As far as the "for better or worse" comment goes....fuck you. No seriously, fuck you. We have watched our partners become these other people who are not likeable, who are playing a role, they are not the people we love...the differences are too great and intense for any of us to just roll over and let it be. We know our partners better than anyone else and, so, with that, we know that this isn't a healthy situation for them. We have all struggled with the lying, we've tried to be supportive, but get walked all over time and time again. We all have stuck it out for as long as we can. But these are abusive relationships. There is no room for you in his world. I hope that is different for you, Ima. I hope you never have to feel the pain that most of us on here have felt and are still feeling. I hope you never feel your heart break three, four, times a day for something your partner did or said. Do Not tell any of us that we don't love our partners as much as you must love yours. We have lived through more than you can imagine and most of us have decided to protect ourselves, our own mental well-being, and stop the abuse that we are experiencing.

Birdie.... spot on.

One more thing to add to that Birdie... "for better or for worse" is a promise made to the MAN I fell in love with and promised myself to. He is changing the conditions of who he is... so I am not obligated to this new person.

Thanks, birdie. I actually left this room bc the bullshit was getting to deep for me. Popped back in tonight to see what ridiculousness had unfolded and you restored my faith in common sense and the experience of reality. Even my husband who is wrestling with this experience himself said that many of the people going along with this seem to have mental health issues too. I am grateful for every word of sanity offered on this topic and couldnt not honor your good sense with my appreciation. Thank you athena too. Talk about building an air castle and moving in...this issue exemplifies the metaphor.

Hhmm...it seems that the vast majority of posts here are about how something that the transgender spouse has done, and how it bothered/hurt/upset the poster. That's the whole point of a support group - to help others who are living with shared challenges. I guess I was wrong to assume that anyone else here has experience with a MtF spouse who wants to share their feminine clothes. I was upset about how he was trying accomplish that. I wanted to discuss this with others and get perspective before I discussed with him so I could communicate rationally rather than in anger, so as to avoid an outburst. I ended up putting this same post as a question on Quora. I requested answers from users I'm aquainted with on that site - MtF transgender who have stayed married after transitioning, as well as their spouses. I was able to approach him the day after which he went and exchanged everything. Quora is simply a question-and-answer forum, not a support group. I was able to get insightful feedback there, thankfully. I guess I am confused about what support I could find here. It seems more like a place to express your bitterness, anger, and resentment for being in this particular set of life circumstances. The dictionary definition of support group is: "a group of people with common experiences or concerns who provide each other with encouragement, comfort, and advice." Was I wrong to look for that here? I asked how I should react to his "gift", and I got multiple answers all saying that I should just abandon my marriage and remove my children from their happy lives and home. Um, that seems like an overreaction of epic proportions! I don't see how that is supportive. It is rather counterproductive to having a healthy marriage. Perhaps this group should be renamed and have a focus on *former* spouses of transgender...?

Your arguments for deeming someone mentally ill because they have a different gender identity than the one they were assigned at birth - that was already addressed in my last reply... in the statement from the American Psychological Association. Some do experience crippling anxiety and depression because they are criticized, ostracized, and rejected by the people who are supposed to protect and love them the most. Compound that with how society treats transgender folks as a whole and there are definitely things like anxiety and depression, as it says in the statement from the American Psychological Association. The DSM-V diagnosis of a trans person is gender dysphoria. People who have gender dysphoria feel strongly that they are not the gender they physically appear to be.

For example, a person who has a penis and all other physical traits of a male might feel instead that he is actually a female. That person would have an intense desire to have a female body and to be accepted by others as a female. Or, someone with the physical characteristics of a female would feel her true identity is male.

Feeling that your body does not reflect your true gender can cause severe distress, anxiety, and depression. "Dysphoria" is a feeling of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and restlessness. With gender dysphoria, the discomfort with your male or female body can be so intense that it can interfere with the way you function in normal life, for instance at school or work or during social activities.

Gender dysphoria used to be called “gender identity disorder.” But the mismatch between body and internal sense of gender is not a mental illness. Instead, what need to be addressed are the stress, anxiety, and depression that go along with it. It is a natural variation of gender, just like people who are born with both male and female reproductive organs. Transgender traits occur throughout nature, so it is something that is inherent in a trans person's biology.- not something in their minds. Humans are not the only animals that engage in cross-dressing or have transgender identity issues; a lot of animals also have "gender-bender" sex lives.
Garter snakes, for example, not only engage in orgiastic bouts of group sex, but male cross-dressing garter snakes also show up for the festivities, oozing a female sex pheromone designed to confuse the other male snakes and give the cross-dressing snake (or so the theorists say) an opportunity to get in and inseminate the female before it is picked off by a predator.
The hyena is another cross-dresser, with male and female hyenas appearing to present both sets of sexual organs. In fact, hyenas are not true hermaphrodites, simply such good pseudo-hermaphrodites that the ancient Greeks were convinced they could change from male to female at will.
Then, of course there are fish, which really can change from male to female (and back again) at will. It turns out that if you toss a school of female salmon or hammerhead sharks in a tank, some will morph into working males.
Scientists call these sex-change artists successive hermaphrodites, and the phenomenon is far from uncommon. In fact, a huge number of fish (more than 100 species) will readily change genders, and some species of fish routinely change genders several times over the course of their lives.
Along with piscine sex-change artists, you also have fish that are simultaneous hermaphrodites. These are fish which come equipped with both testes and ovaries, and which normally produce eggs for about half their spawns, and sperm the other half.
At least one species of African frog is a sex-change artist, and in quite a few species of animals, the male takes over the duties normally "assigned" to females, such as is the case with the seahorse.
Bottom line: It's a pretty wild world out there.
Remember to respect all and love everyone for who they truly are. Always.

Thanks for the education. I'm sorry you didn't find what you wanted here. It sounds like you have already decided what you will do with your marriage, life and any other questions. The rest of us are still trying to put our lives together and for many of us, this is the only place where we can vent and express our pain without being lectured or told how to think or feel about our lives that have been turned upside down. We are all in different parts of this confusing and long journey. Since you have already come to a conclusion for yourself and for your life, I'm not sure exactly what support you need from us. If you are here to give support, then do so. Tell us how you coped with all the lies and manipulation from your husband and how you came about accepting this lifestyle as your own. Asking us "how" to respond to something that you are angry about will only elicit responses of sympathy for your confusion or pain, not advice on how to allow your spouse to be rude to you by throwing you a bone with lingerie that is actually meant for him. You obviously already knew what to do, I'm still not sure why you asked the question in the first place.

I'm glad you have found a balance in your marriage and I truly hope that you can handle it and be happy in it. If you find that you are losing yourself in his transition, we will be here to lend a listening ear (or I guess, an eye... ha ha!) and support any decision you make for your future.

In the meantime, please understand that we are in different phases of all this and some of us are really hurt, feel abandoned and are working through the biggest crisis of our lives.

Good luck my friend.

If your trans spouse is abusive, that is a problem with their mental health, not their gender identity. Your mother might be along the lines of being narcissistic/sociopathic.. Those disorders are in no way tied to them being transgender. I have survived that kind of marriage already once. He was as masculine and straight as anyone I'd had a relationship with. Not a trans drop in his blood. He was severely abusive because he chose to be. I ended up in a DV shelter with my kids for 8 months, transitional housing after that, subsidized housing after that. I'm now a volunteer Victim's Advocate with my county's DV services organization. I usually meet my clients in the ER in the middle of the night, and help them through the process of rebuilding their lives while navigating the criminal justice and family court systems. My average client case, from initial escape to being safely self-sufficient, is about 1.5 years.
My husband was stupid with his "gift" purchase, but he then did everything I told him he needed to do to fix it. He felt too embarrassed to buy them for himself, so he figured he could use mine sometimes because I don't mind sharing my other clothes. The man is not abusive or selfish. He is being attentive to how this is affecting me, and if something is too much for me to handle at that moment he stops. I'm supportive but the changes are difficult and he knows that. My boundaries are what determines what happens when. He is not selfish enough to think he can transition however and whenever he wants. He made vows to me and the kids, and he is accountable for our well-being. I'm sorry if this is not the case for others, but the majority of trans folks who transition late in life are not reckless about it. My best friend was verbally and emotionally abused by her cisgender wife after she came out as transgender. Her wife kicked her out while she was off work for health reasons. She has no resources to obtain legal help, and her ex won't let her see the kids at all. Her ex just finally got the divorce petition filed and she is expecting to be served any day. Some of her belongings are stored at our house while she navigates between day and overnight homeless shelters. That is the reality for the majority of trans spouses. They are marginalized, devalued as human beings, and cast aside. I'm not going to be that person.
I didn't marry a man, I married a human being who happened to have a penis, and my vows made no mention of how his penis defines our commitment. His genitalia has no bearing on who he is at heart. Anatomical sex organs alone do not determine his gender. The biggest change so far has been that I am not physically attracted to his feminine appearance, and how that affects our sex life - which was never the best to begin with. I told him on Tuesday that I have sexual needs which he is unable to meet. I am not going to divorce him over that, but our marriage will now be an open/polyamorous one. I will have a friend who will meet those needs with the clear understanding of my boundaries and expectations too. He may do the same - have a (male) friend with benefits. I'm perfectly fine with this arrangement. It was actually my idea. So, there's that issue sorted. The random day-to-day life issues come and go, and there is definitely a learning curve. I miss the dynamic we used to have, but we're not going to divorce court for that. I guess I'm fortunate to have a spouse who allows me to set the pace.

For those who have "fuck you" feelings toward me - that's okay. You're hurt, and hurt usually turns to anger. Anger in those who have been through abusive or otherwise traumatic home lives is very often misdirected toward those who have a different worldview in spite of living through severe trauma as well. I know what it means to be abused - I lived through over 30 years of it after being diagnosed with PTSD at the age of 10. I'm truly sorry for your pain. I'll return your "fuck you" with my best wishes for your future.