I'd like to know the same. And by happy I mean a marriage/partnership that is a real marriage/partnership, not when where the spouses become like room-mates or sisters, or they have other partners. I see a few successful marriages over on Susan's, but the more I delve the more I see that many of them are actually more like friendships, non-romantic sexless partnerships. It's depressing....

I have tried so hard and up until 6 months ago, probably would have said yes. We are 4-5 years into transition. We moved about 4 months ago and I went into a tailspin. I realized that I had pulled away from my family and friends and lost almost everything that was important to me. My daughter was spiraling out of control in this new environment and a new school. I stopped functioning. My mom thinks I had a mental breakdown. I’m not sure what constitutes a mental breakdown, but I was crying all day....wishing I wouldn’t wake up....and didn’t have the energy to do anything. I have moved in with my mom at this point and we are taking a break. I feel like during transition I have been so busy being affirming to her and seeing to her needs, that I totally pushed my feelings and needs to the side.

Here are some of my thoughts in regards to your question. I am almost 50 and my sex drive is next to nothing. We didn’t have sex that often pre transition. So I thought I would be able to handle that piece of the transition okay. What I have found is that there is so much more to it than this. I’m not attracted to women. So now that my spouse has had bottom surgery, breast implants, and facial surgery.......it’s difficult to have that attraction. I also have found that as she transitioned her female mannerisms got more pronounced and this is off putting to me. I rarely get a glimpse of the person I married and frankly I find myself in a constant state of mourning. When you are mourning the loss of someone yet they are standing in front of you, it proves to be a difficult task to get through and find healing.

I don’t think someone can change their sexual orientation. I am a heterosexual female. I love the person, but it’s extremely difficult to be romantic without attraction. I have days where I think....I can do this....and I have days where I feel like I cannot go on. It’s gut wrenching because I care so deeply for my wife. I don’t have the answers. I just know it’s a lose/lose situation for me. Either decision I make leaves me in a compromised life. I am just devastated.

Blueangel, I really don't know the answer to your question. I know I will read articles about couples that are claiming to make it work. However, I see a sadness and a look of defeat in the eyes of the cis spouse when I look at the photos.

I even read an interview with Helen Boyd (author of My Husband Betty). This interview was quite a few years ago and over 10 years after her book came out. In the interview she said that there are times she still struggles. Not with the every day ups and downs that ALL marriages have but rather issues relating directly to her spouse's transition.

Like Sylph said, it seems like many (maybe even most) of the "successful" marriages seem more like really deep and abiding friendships. People who do seem to truly love each other even if they perhaps aren't in love with each other. And if that works for them and both partners are happy and satisfied with that, then great. Good for them. (And I mean that sincerely. I'm not being flippant.) However, that isn't the kind of marriage I want. I don't know if I will ever have the marriage I want, but I hope I will one day.

I'm actually a moderator over at Susan's, and would say that there are couples who seem happy, however they don't appear to be common- what I would guess is that in part, the happily married cis spouses don't go onto support websites because they aren't in the gloomy situations many/ all of us are in. One of the other mods is a trans woman who's married to the same spouse she had before her transition, and her wife doesn't have that lost look in the eyes, so perhaps she is one of the legitimately happy ones ? I don't know the cis spouse at all however, just guessing based on pictures.

Re: the look in the eyes: OMG! So I'm not the only one seeing this in soo many cis spouses! They say they're happy and they stayed because they love their spouse and then they have this lost/ defeated look in their eyes!

Its hard because you do feel lost and defeated how do yoy walk away from the person you fell so deeply in love with.

He says he is gay but for some reason still finds me incredibly sexually attractive and yet he likes to watch lesbian porn and says he pictures himself as. Girl with another girl.. Im so confused he just told me he was gay.. Sorry but the mind fuck getting to me not sure what to think or feel and not evwn sure what the hell is going on. I feel like he is confused with himself

yeah, my husband claims to be a lesbian. and we have the platonic, friend type relationship. the passion is gone and I am not the least bit attracted to him. We are both quite lonely but not willing to move on either

All of this makes me sad and scared that things are not gonna work out

Blueangel78, I am with you 100%. I have been afraid to ask this question, and of course I realize that the people posting to this forum are largely people who are having difficulties. I feel like I am being forced into the closet, and I feel like my marriage, which had been strong before this, has become a sham. When I envision the future of my relationship I keep thinking of our 20th or 30th anniversary, and instead of it being a positive, I just envision that it will mean it has been 10 years or 20 years since we have been intimate.

Hey blueangel! First off, my partner is trans and we are very happy together. Second, check out some of the partners of trans facebook groups for lots of positive stories/people really working it out together!

Thank you i will check it out.

Hi Blueangel, I think it really depends on the couple and their dynamic. I know for myself, (heterosexual cis female who is not sexually attracted to women), will have an incredibly hard time if my spouse transitions. I love my spouse but the kind of marriage I want consists of a combination of friendship, trust, desire and passion. I really don’t want to have just a roommate.

Logistics too may come into play. What if the cis partner cannot afford or due to circumstances, is unable to support themselves, or they’re at a point in their life where starting over or separating is just too much to deal with. Perhaps that’s where the sadness comes in, they’re not in the marriage they envisioned but at least they’re not by themselves. I too notice the sadness in their eyes and so hope that’s not me one day! The ones who are truly happy in their marriage once their spouse transitions are indeed lucky, but in my opinion, I think they’re hard to come by. It’s true too, these forums are so awesome but once one has come to a resolution, the need for them is no longer there. That may play into it also.

Blueangel, he (using male pronouns because you are) may say he is gay because he sees himself as a woman who is attracted to women.

Also, as Ayet mentioned, there are some couples who remain happily together after transition. However, most do not. I know I hoped my spouse and I would be the couple that could beat the odds. We couldn't but that doesn't mean you can't or won't.

I say that not to discourage you, but rather to empower you. If you know what you are facing, I believe you have a better chance at overcoming it. I believe mixed orientation marriages take a lot of work and open and honest communication. I think you both need to be clear on what your expectation are and what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not able to. If the needs and desires of BOTH parties involved can be met, then there is no reason why your relationship shouldn't work.

However, you both need to be honest. If you aren't, then I think neither party wins. Both people deserve to be with someone they can love as they are and have someone who loves them as they are as well. If that isn't something y'all can do, then, in my opinion, letting go so you can both find love is the genuinely loving option. Doesn't make it any easier though.

Anyway, that is just my opinion.

He says he is gay and does not find women attractive in a sexual way except me our sex life is amazing but i do think only because i am open to just abput everything he prefers men and wants a man or for me to wear a strap on and easure him that is what he prefers. What scares me is how lo g before he no lo ger finds me attractive or im not enough before he finds a man.. We are not yet married we are engaged and up till now he expressed he limed wearing womens clothes once in ahile and that he was bisexual now he wants to be a women and is gay im so confused.. And we are very honeat with each other its a pat we mad that no matter what it was that needed to be said to each other we would always be honest. I just feel very alone and confused and forgotten

I recently just watched the movie Bohemian Rhapsody about Freddie Mercury and Queen and the love story between Freddie and Mary seems to relate to what we are going through. Freddie came out as bisexual to his fiancee Mary but for her, she knew he was gay. She knew he wasn't going to stop having sex with men. So they ended their sexual/romantic relationship, but Freddie treated Mary as his legal wife. They reminded close friends throughout his life.

Anyway, what I took from that was that Mary definitely had boundaries in her life--she went on to have two kids with another man--but Freddie left his estate to her and she only knows where his ashes are.

So, I think at the end of the day, you need to figure out what you want in life. It's not so much does it work for others, it's about what works for you.