I loved the comments about the abuse, that rings so true. I am still not sure what I am going to do, but it helps so much that it's not just me feeling like I'm going crazy and forgetting things. I do feel like I should put it out there that I have known that husband has worn women's clothers for almost as long as we have been together which is almost 11 years. It started out as a Halloween gag. He was in a punk rock band for years and he dressed up and then continued to be some type of woman character every year. He then started to buy and wear lots of ladies underwear which are more comfortable and I felt I can't really disagree, I would rather wear them then men's underwear. I think also being a punk rocker made it easier for him hide some things, he never hid that he had and was wearing them from me since we lived together, but more and more clothes were womens. Once we had our daughter he thought he would eventually stop and it didn't bother me because most of the clothing was from the thrift stores and you don't always truly know what it is sometimes and the items were the manliest girl clothes. He never went out in dresses (except on Halloween). All of this happened and I was still shocked when he told me he wanted to be a woman. I felt like I should have known and was he just coaxing me into this all along and I am just so relaxed that I didn't notice. One thing he did say was that he didn't think I was so closed minded. I am not, I am still young, 31. I understand the world is different, I just don't know if I want it to be that different so close in my world. Our daughter is 7 and used to some things. My husband wears bra shirts and short girl shorts to bed so she wouldn't think anything of that if she saw it somewhere else. He doesn't want to tell anyone which is very isolating for me because I am going insane and I don't want to tell him things that might hurt his feelings. I have my own issues and have been on anti-depressants and talk to my primary physician and when I told him that I told her he was so furious. How can he want me to be there with him, but then expect it to be easy? He is not attractive at all in this way so far. He started going to a psychiatrist first, but only one that he knew would help him in this situation. So, he saw her a couple of times and then we went together once and I've been by myself once. She is nice, but I feel like I can't completely tell her how I feel either and if I can't that's no good for me. I am just getting so exhausted.

Please be careful with the therapist you chose. When this all went down I interviewed a few therapists for my son. I wanted someone who was neither pro transgender or against. I wanted someone who could just listen to my son and deal with all the other issues a teenage boy goes through as well as his father's decision..
At first and during the interview, this particular therapist was all for my son exploring his feelings. I sat in on the first few sessions and he was very open minded and it seemed like the right fit. I let my son continue with this guy for private sessions. Unbeknownst to me, once I was out of the room the tone changed. A few months later, my son let it slip that "Bill" was pushing him towards acceptance. It was very confusing for my son and I pulled him out of those sessions.
I did finally find a more open and honest therapist but I wonder how much of my son's confusion was fed by the "politically correct" attitude of his first therapist.
What I am saying is that you need to find someone for you. Not someone who is dealing with other transgenders. You need someone who will be open to the idea that it is ok for not to accept this if that is where you are at.
My distrust of therapists goes back to the fact that I believe when my ex first started to explore these feelings he was encouraged to attend meetings with other cross dressers and found a few who were beyond dressing up and ready to change. I believe they, with the help of his therapist led him to believe that all of his problems would magically disappear because this was who he truly was. Be careful. Not all therapists are good. Some are writing books and papers on this stuff. Don't allow yourself to be just another chapter in their book.
Also, and please don't be insulted...who does he think he is getting mad at you for talking about this with anyone? Again, it's emotional abuse. He is trying to isolate you even from doctors who may help you to make a decision he does not want you to make.

I do agree. I think for myself anyway, I have had depression issues on and off since I was a teenager and I think I need to talk to someone and just start from square one anyway, but since he doesn't want me to tell anyone I don't know how I can get to that. It makes me feel hopeless. I feel like I am so "in" it that I can't tell exactly what is going on. Am I being used and lied to? Is he going to come out as homosexual to me?

If you have health insurance that covers therapy you can go. If you have to lie to him and tell him that this doctor is helping you to accept it, then do so. He has lied to you all along. Or, go under the umbrella of dealing with your depression. Whatever you have to do to see someone, do it. If you are on his insurance policy you can make the phone call yourself.
As far as the homosexuality is concerned...here's one for you to think about. My ex discussed his sexual preferences with my 15 year old son! He who is now a she, told him that he still is attracted to women. What does that make him? lol...sorry to lol but I have to laugh or I will cry. First, how dare he discuss sexuality with my son. Second, how can he say he is not a homosexual if he has no male parts and wants to have sex with women? That makes him a lesbian. It's messed up. It's lame justification.
I spoke w a gentleman who councils transgenders. He said they are...and I know this is hard to follow...extreme homophobic homosexuals. Their distaste for homosexuality is so ingrained and deep that they become women to justify having sex with men.
Sweetie, I know you are confused. But at the very least you can go to sleep at night knowing you are not as emotionally screwed up as your husband. Dealing with depression is doable. His problems are not. And not to upset you or give you more to worry about, I wouldn't be so sure he hasn't already dabbled in homosexuality. I have a very close gay friend. So close that he was the only person I confided in when this all started to unravel 12 years ago. He surfs the internet a lot and says that on the gay hook up sites there are thousands of married men seeking sex with the little coda at the end saying please don't tell my wife and kids. Some men are just lying pigs. Period. The first thing I did after I told him I wanted a divorce was to go to my GP and get tested for every communicable disease in the book. Thank God I was ok. You have a daughter to think about. Push comes to shove, you will be the only one there for her. The percentage of men having this surgery and either moving away never to be seen again or just out and out kill themselves is high.
PS...while you're trying to figure things out, start stashing money. You may need it. That was the best advice I ever got from the divorced women I spoke with before my divorce was finalized. Do it for your daughter.

I have to say thank you because I can't talk to anyone else about it and anyone I know doesn't have experience the way you do. I just get so confused with myself and all of these thoughts I thought I knew about my husband. I read about cheating and I just think he would NEVER do that, but really what do I know? I think he is a good guy, but I am going to have second thoughts about everything forever. My doctor has told me plenty of times and I can see him manipulating me, and if I call him out it turns into I am the one who is manipulating which doesn't even make sense for the situations. He is just so in my head that I am not even sure he is as bad as I have him in my head or not. This thing is making me crazier! I am hoping to get up the courage this week and let him know that I really need to talk to someone for me even with his situation going on. He has trouble realizing that this is OUR situation if he wants me to be here. He is just such a loner. He has pretty much distanced himself from all of his old friends. He goes to work and practices in a band and has shows sometimes. I can confirm most of this with family members, but I just don't understand where or what he is going to do as a woman? He says he doesn't want to have any surgery, but again that is what he says for now. To me, what is the purpose to hide in your house? He is in a bluegrass band with his dad and men his dad's age. I really don't see them accepting it and if they do certainly the places they play at are not going to be happy with it. The only thing that would make sense if his plan was to start some brand new life. He doesn't have a plan about telling anyone, he just wants them all to figure it out on their own. He works in healthcare and wears scrubs as his work uniform so his plan is to hide under them until he can't anymore and his 'boobs' are actually showing and then just go with it? So, what if someone asks me?

They will. I have had people ask me at parties, football games, school concerts. One of my cousins, and he got away with this only because I love him dearly and know he loves me as well, asked me point blank how he was in bed and how could I not know? This is a lot in many ways like domestic violence. After the bastard beats the hell out of his wife he cries and begs her forgiveness and promises to be better and she ends up thinking if maybe she was a little more sympathetic or didn't make that noise while he was trying to sleep or went without buying that dress that he wouldn't have hit her. He's making you feel like you are wrong and selfish and don't really love him. But that's not true at all. Deep down you know that.
My ex was a loner too. That is part of the profile. A loner, in the military, from a highly religious background. My ex to a tee. It took me years to realize that him having no friends from high school or college, no new friends from the 20 years we were married was because he was so good at lying and hiding his true self that he feared people would find out. So rather than be close to anyone he stayed distant. Even from me. I thought it was me. I thought he didn't know how to connect with me. I thought it was my fault. Looking back now I realized his first marriage must have ended because she found out about his cross dressing. He told me they grew apart. I foolishly believed it. Hiding it is part of the isolation they feel. Forcing you to hide it is controlling and isolating as well.
How is he with your daughter? Do they have a close relationship? My ex was never really close to my two daughters. He always did things with my son. Right now my middle child is a freshman at college and is dating a much older student(24 year old perpetual senior who never finishes what he starts and has flunked out and reregistered again under a new major). She has always been shy and quiet and introverted. She is naïve and innocent and a virgin. This guy turned her head. Paid attention to her. Wants to spend time with her. Talks to her. I sit here now wondering why in the past year and a half she is on boyfriend number 3...none of which I would ever have thought she'd be involved with. I realize she is acting this way because of her father. Her need for a male figure to love her and think she is wonderful. Hard to explain in a nutshell. But I'm her mother. I know I'm reading this right. What I am saying is that the tension in your house, his attitude towards you, your emotional state, any arguing, crying she witnesses(and she will...they always do)will affect her and her relationships with men. My initial reason for telling him I wanted a divorce was the lying and cross dressing. My motivation for mustering the courage was my fear that I would model an unhealthy relationship for my daughters. I see that now in my middle child. I was watching it unfold with her older sister. She was dating such a creep right before we broke up. He was controlling and emotionally isolating her. Again, do what you must but remember, you have a child that is slowly and surely watching and learning from the only example she has. Children of alcoholics marry alcoholics. Children raised in abusive homes marry abusive men.
Eventually the hormone shots will convince him that he is a woman. He will eventually have the surgery. If he hates being a man and it has made him uncomfortable in his own skin his entire life, why would anyone think that once he's grown boobs and lost his facial hair he won't take that final step and get rid of the one thing that separates men and women physically. I am so afraid for you. Not because it won't all work out in the end but because you suffer from depression and if ever there was a reason to plunge someone with a proclivity for depression headlong into that abyss, this is it. You must, you must be healthy and strong for your daughter. At the very least you should be seeing someone who can help with your depression; see the red lights and catch you before you need to relinquish some of the care for your daughter over to him. What happens to her if you get sick? And if he does start to spend more time with her, will he confide in her and try to win her over? My ex did not tell me first. He did not give me time to prepare my children. He told them five minutes before he was due to bring them back on Thanksgiving Day. The manner in which he told them traumatized all of them. Every therapist, teacher, counselor, clergyman and relative I spoke with said the same thing. He traumatized my children that he supposedly loved. For all you know, your daughter may already be putting two and two together. She may already be confused and upset. Children have a way of hiding what's going on with them. And if she loves you as much as my daughter does, she will not tell you anything she's feeling for fear of upsetting you or making you worry. So much for a child to bear.
Please keep writing if you need to. I will try to continue to check this site.
I want to thank you for communicating with me and posting on this forum. I am still healing and dealing and talking about this with you helps me as well.