Thank you.

Reggie61

I am so glad to hear that you were able to get out of your situation. My heart goes out to those women who are not able to see a way out... I was in that position myself, and the emotions involved are so convoluted.

I decided to reach out to other women, because it is so important for them to realize how abusive this can be. Unless they recognize what is happening, it is almost impossible to remove themselves from these relationships. I am not saying that all crossdressers or tg men are abusive, but the potential for abuse is so high, when the husbands were not up front about their desires.

I went to several therapists after I left...I kept switching counselors because they were telling me that I was abused. I couldn't see it. I thought maybe I was focusing on "the problem" too much and they couldn't see all the good points my husband had. They eventually got through to me, but it would have made my leaving so much easier, had I been able to see it for what it was earlier on.

I didn't understand that abuse doesn't necessarily mean yelling or name-calling or throwing things across the room. Abuse is an on-going pattern of behavior that diminishes you.

Abuse can mean dismissing your feelings as "wrong" or "immature", when you voice your concerns. It can mean a pattern of covertly throwing the blame back at you every time he does something that you both had agreed not to do. It can mean subtly but coercively manipulating you into doing something that you find disturbing or repulsive, under the guise of "mature compromise" or claims that you are being selfish and unreasonable. It can mean relentless pressure to change how you feel or think, with little regard to the damage it is doing to you. It can mean "open and honest" discussions, when he is lying through his teeth "to protect you". It can mean manipulating your feelings so that every time you object to something he does, it becomes another opportunity for him to bring your focus back to the pain HE is in, how you are hurting HIM, disregarding HIS feelings. It can mean isolating you from your support systems at a time when you need them most. It can mean gaslighting you until you can't tell reality from lies. This can all be done without even raising your voice.

Of all of these, I feel that the gaslighting does the most damage. I know that, with my ex, he would re-write history so that it bore no resemblance to what I remembered. He would deny doing what he did, deny saying what he said, insist that I didn't say what I distinctly remembered saying...then would accuse me of twisting things around if I tried to disagree with his version of events. I thought I was going insane - no joke. In this situation, there are no checks and balances...it is only his certainty against my increasingly uncertain memory. I got to the point where I questioned myself on everything, because I felt so muddled and off-balance. I eventually began writing everything down in a journal, right after it happened, so that I could see in black and white, what had occurred. Even then, he was so certain and angrily accusative that I doubted myself. This is not OK. This is abuse. It bleeds out into every other aspect of your life. It sets the stage for anxiety and depression...and it works very well to keep you IN the situation that is causing it. How can you be strong and take the steps necessary to protect yourself if you doubt yourself in this way?

Keep writing Reggie61. This is such important information to get out there.

Shelly

Crap. I just wrote my whole story and lost it....this is so frustrating. I just need to tell my story, but I don't think I can go through with writing it again.

Nutshell: Married 21 years, together for 23, known for 1, sad/angry/disgusted/confused/hurt/rejected/overwhelmed/depressed.

I want my husband back. He insists that person never really existed, but was just a façade. The real him inside was always there (eventhough he also insists that he was deeply in denial, and as such, not really lying to me for over 2 decades). He says he doesn't want reassignment surgery or to live as a woman, but is taking estrogen (for his emotional well-being, of course, not AT ALL because he wants those boobs that just happen to be developing as a side effect and that he isn't ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC about in the least---yeah, right). He says there are no more lies (sure, after I've busted you on every single one of them you lying piece of...I digress). But, he's definitely trying to look and act feminine. He actually looks terrible and comes off as gay, not female. But, he refuses to see it that way.

He also has Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities). The alters are an adolescent girl and a little girl, and I am sorely vexed by the behavior "she/they/whatever" show--obnoxious and rebellious, like I'm their mother, or something. He refuses any sort of mental health intervention. He doesn't want to lose them, as they are pretty well integrated now. For years he had missing time, found things he couldn't remember buying/writing, etc, had bizarre conversations with strangers who seemed to know him, denied having conversations or doing things I knew he had. There was also a very masculine "protector" personality who was violent towards me on at least 3 occasions. He seems to be gone forever, at least. Now, they don't sieze control, and they all act in accord. He likes it and wants it to remain that way. He also doesn't want me to tell anyone about it, because people will think he's crazy. So, I have to look like the crazy person, I guess.

I love him and I want to honor my vows and commitment. Marriage means a lot to me. But, I can't change my orientation, and I'm just not attracted to this person he's becoming. I'm not comfortable with the sexual changes he wants to make.

I guess I just needed to vent to someone.

I forgot to mention that we have 2 kids together. He's an amazing dad, and not "out" to the kids. I refuse. If we divorced, he'd be free to let them in on his issues, and I'd hate that. I just want to protect them from all of this pain.

Kellieanne...reading your post just now brought tears to my eyes. I can't respond to all of it right now. Need to let it sink in...but the one thing that I will say in response to your statement that he refuses mental health intervention is that he refuses the type of intervention you want him to have. If he is taking estrogen shots he is seeing a therapist. Medical doctors will not prescribe estrogen for men because of whatever his "symptoms" are. My guess is that he is seeing a transgender therapist for that prescription behind your back. Please re read what Shelley wrote...he is manipulating you. I'll check I again later.

Ok. I'm back. I'm going to get really personal. The reason I suggested you re-read Shelly's post was because her description of it being abuse hit me so hard. I had never thought of it that way but looking back now I realize this is exactly what it was. For years, I thought something was wrong with me(this is prior to the reveal).
Let me preface this by saying I am not a stupid woman. I have both my bachelors and masters degrees in English Literature, a discipline that requires analysis of character and motives etc. I have always prided myself on being able to transfer that to my own life and personal relationships.
When he announced his trangendering in November of 2012 we were three months short of the anniversary of our divorce. My divorce was prompted by finding his paraphernalia after one of his business trips, the week after I buried my Mother.
We met in 1990 when I was 29. All of my friends were married and having children. My Dad was dying from cancer. He was worried about leaving me behind with an uncertain future(old school- all girls need to be married). The first night we met we talked for hours. Everything I wanted out of life, he wanted. I wanted children and a house and a pool. I wanted to be able to put our children through college and buy them their first car and help with their wedding and first house. I wanted them raised in the Catholic faith(not that I was super religious but because as with being Italian, it was my identity I wanted to pass on to my children). I wanted to be the stay at home mom/wife...nurturing the children, supporting him in his career. I wanted the big Sunday dinners and family vacations. I wanted the closeness of a strong marital relationship. Someone I could open up to and trust. I had been through a series of bad relationships(not abusive but just not the kind of guy a woman with a clear view of her future would seek out). He, too, had been in bad relationships with women he could not trust. As a show of good faith he told me his deepest darkest secret(or so I thought). He had herpes. Had gotten it when he was younger and foolish. Back then herpes was the std of the headlines. It was scary and new. Wow. I thought to myself. On the first date he took a chance and told me this. How could I ever doubt his honesty and sincerity? He gave me my out right there. He said he had dated women for awhile and when they got to the point of intimacy and he told them he had herpes they would all bail. He thought we had such a connection that he didn't want to invest and then have me run away. He gave me time to think about it. I, being the kind of person I was, sought out as much info on herpes as I could, even going so far as to attend support groups for those with or married to spouses with this terrible illness. Wow, what a mistake! Just like the counseling out there for transgendering, all it did was make me feel like there was something wrong with me. How could I turn my back on this man when he was suffering so much(herpes attacks the nervous system and causes great pain...no meds available then...triggered by stress and emotions). There were precautions that could be taken to prevent the spread and thank God over the course of our 20 year marriage I never contracted it or became a carrier. I got totally sucked in.
We got married the following year(my biological clock was ticking; he was so sincere and honest; he had been married at a young age and divorced and already knew what he wanted and didn't want in a marriage and what is was like to go through a divorce...never to make that mistake again). At this point my Dad was terminal. I was the only one of five children still unmarried. Being the youngest girl in an Italian family I knew if my Dad had died and I was still single I'd be the one to live with and care for my ailing mother until her death. All the cards were stacked against me and I went ahead and married this man who seemed like the answer to all my prayers and truly a man I could build a good life with.
I tell you about the herpes because looking back I see how he manipulated me with that as well. Since it is brought on by stress and emotion I walked on eggshells for the first ten years of our marriage. Every time we had an argument, he'd have an outbreak. It was extremely painful and with each outbreak came a period of extreme depression. I found myself taking care of everything. Making every decision and avoiding conflict even in the most simplest forms. It was easier for me to clean up after him then get into an argument over why he couldn't put things away or why when he spilled coffee grounds all over the floor he'd leave them for me. Every time we did have a disagreement he made me feel like I was the bitch from hell and then afterwards he'd suffer an outbreak that was my fault because I just couldn't let it go that he forgot to pay a bill and we were getting charged finance fees. I was so overwhelmed with taking care of him and his emotions, I felt more like his mother than his wife. The easier it got for him to snow me, the more bold he got with the lies and deceit. He had a gambling problem and was sneaking off to Atlantic City. I didn't know until I caught him trying to cash stocks to pay for his debt. I was four months pregnant. He went to Gambler's Anonymous. At least I think he did. Looking back he probably lied about that after the first meeting, getting his membership book for proof he had gone.
I was very unhappy and little by little began to withdraw from my family and friends. I had married him for better or for worse and getting a divorce was just not what we did in our family. My problem if I couldn't deal with the herpes and depression...in sickness and health covered those and the gambling.
We had two more children. I had resigned myself to the fact that although I had made a mistake and he wasn't my soul mate, I could still be happy raising my children. He was a good provider. And as every mother out there my children became my life. Everything I did was to make their childhood better than mine. I was a stay at home mom active in school and scouts etc. From the outside we looked like the perfect family. On the inside I was neglecting my health, my emotions, my needs. In essence I became mother earth. I nourished all of them, my three children and him.
He now was totally different from the person I had met and married. I had misjudged him. His inability to share with me his thoughts was not because he had had such a troubled childhood and had trust issues with women and was afraid to open up. He was closed tight because of years of lying. He couldn't let me in for fear I'd find out his real secret. In retrospect, I believe his first marriage ended because he had become too confidant in her love for him and he had shared his cd with her and she wanted out. In order to prevent that from happening again, he closed me out. What's worse is that he made me feel like there was something wrong with me. That I wasn't the woman he had fallen in love with, that my inability to be sensitive to him kept him distant. Abuse, as Shelley said.
I inadvertently found out about his cd when I had three children under the age of 10; the youngest just short of three. My mother was ill and I was caring for her...running from my home to hers, to the hospital to the rehab...it was a revolving door of elderly parent care. He was travelling extensively with his job(I later realized this gave him the freedom to cd in his hotel room and ultimately I am positive when he became more comfortable, to go out in public hundreds of miles away from home to be a "woman). I wanted a divorce. He threatened suicide and became increasingly more depressed and sullen. The stress began to affect the children. He agreed to counseling. I sought out counseling(which by the way was wrong-I was assured by the therapist that it was only a fetish). He stopped volunteering for business trips...for awhile. Once again, he began to open up and talk and things started to get back to normal. Pretending like I didn't hate him at this moment made things easier for the kids. Little by little I got sucked back into the role of throwing myself into my family. Little by little he began to travel again. Little by little he became distant. As time went by I guess my self preservation instinct kicked in and I was in denial. I believed he had stopped dressing. I believed everything would be ok. Once again, I was snowed and manipulated.
My Mother died in January of 2010. Her decade long illness was not only a drain on my energies but it also tore apart my immediate family. For years I had avoided the pettiness that comes with some sister-in-laws. I eventually distanced myself from my siblings because in the big picture, their nonsense meant nothing. I was dealing with three children, a sick mother and a husband who I had no emotional connection with and a deepening subconscious hatred for. None of my siblings knew what I was dealing with and that made them resent the choices I was making with regard to the family and my mother. In essence, the already developing rift in my immediate family was quickly deepened by his illness as well. He was so caught up in his secret life and world that there was nothing for me...no support....no guidance. And again, in retrospect, I believe it was just another way for him to help isolate me.
Now in my early 50's, my father had been gone for 16 years and I was burying my mother. I was unhappily married, alone, my oldest was a junior in high school soon to go off to college, I had no romantic feelings for the man lying next to me in bed. My self esteem was at zero. Something came over me. I don't know what. Maybe my mom whispered in my ear, but the very next business trip he went on, a week after we buried her, I did something I had not done since I had found his clothing ten years earlier. Something, someone told me to unpack his suitcase. He was still a cd. I was overcome with a sense of anger but more importantly power. Maybe it was because my obligation to my mom had ended. Maybe it was because I could not picture myself sitting home alone with him watching tv in our "golden years" after the kids had gone on with their lives. I don't know. I like to think one of my Sicilian female ancestors kicked me in the ass, but I got up the courage right then and there to tell him I was done.
Our divorce took two years. The first year was really just him stalling. It took six months for him to initially move out and I believe the next six months he thought I would take him back so he didn't push for mediation. While he stalled I saved and stashed money. I had heard all the nightmares divorcing women go through especially with the initial few months of child support and I was determined to make sure I could take care of the kids. I tried to be amicable. I dealt with the resentment from my oldest daughter who claimed I had ruined her concept of true love(Disney did that, thank you very much). Why couldn't I be happy with him? Why did my selfishness have to affect her? She hated me. She was nasty and distant and resentful. It was all my fault. Until he told them three months short of the first anniversary of our divorce(without telling me first)that he was transgendering. Then the light bulb went on and she came to me crying and apologizing and feeling guilty that she and her brother and sister were the reason I had suffered in silence for some many years. A little dramatic(teenager)but very true. I stayed for the kids. I stayed to keep the family together. I stayed to keep his cd secret.
Today, I am divorced and living with a man who loves me and my children. The feeling is very much reciprocated by all of us. My middle child, who has had the hardest time with her "father's" change which was totally and surgically completed this past April, gave him a Father's Day card that brought him to tears. She thanked him for stepping in to be the father she had never had. My point being that you really do not know how your children feel or perceive what is going on. My oldest thought we were at the very least happily married. She was modeling her future on our marriage. What she would keep, what she would dismiss, what she would tweak. When we announced the divorce it shattered her image. When he announced his tg, it devastated her. She just broke up with her boyfriend of four years. He goes to school in a different state but has never given her reason to doubt his love and fidelity. Her issues with trust have lead to this. This came from being completely betrayed by her father. My middle child was always a little distant from her dad. She has always been a perceptive kid. I think she knew, like how the puppies in a litter know something is wrong with the runt, that something was not right with her father all along. She was devastated by his announcement, but has never wavered in her resolve to have nothing to do with him. She has not seen him nor spoken with him since that night in November. She will communicate through texting and only when she absolutely has to. My son is a different story for a different day. My point is that I tried for years to protect my children. I stayed with him way longer than I should have. I took the brunt of the blame for the divorce. In the end, "his true self" with the help of the so-called therapists won out and my children have been devastated. You may think you are protecting them, so did I. But even if you never divorce him, you will ultimately affect your children in some way.
I can't write anymore. I hope I helped a bit. I know it helped me to write this all out. And Shelly, you have given me so much more to think about. Thank you so much for your insight.
I'll be back.

Kellianne,

I am so sorry to hear your situation. While I don't know much about DID, I do know about deceptive cd behavior. You mentioned so many of the arguments that I see on the cd support forums: he's still the same person; he swears he is communicating "openly and honestly"; this is just "who he is".

In my opinion, these are easily negated arguments, though you won't hear this on their support forums. My ex was NOT the same person I fell in love with. He didn't look the same. He didn't feel the same with everything shaved. The man I fell in love with could not look me in the eyes and lie, then turn everything around somehow and blame me for being selfish or for not accepting him unconditionally. The man I fell in love with was turned on by ME, not by wearing lingerie and fantasizing that he was a woman and I was a man in bed. The man I fell in live with was extremely masculine...and that is a big part of what I was attracted to. He was my safe place. So, if you change your appearance, your morals, your sexual identity and preferences, your trustworthiness...how do you say that you are the same person that I fell in love with? You might be the same person (because You've been like this all along), but you put on a very convincing act for years and You were not who you represented to ME.

The "open and honest communication" that he insists is now happening is a joke. My ex lied about the lingerie "just being more comfortable" or "just felt good". Because he swore that it wasn't sexual, I was reluctantly persuaded to let him bring it into our bed. If I had a problem with it, I was being shallow or "influenced by society"...letting preconceived notions come between our love for each other. He also swore that the thought of going to bed with men made him want to throw up (until I found his porn). He blamed me for not being able to be open with me, because I wasn't taking it well...he was "protecting me", not deceiving me. I just wanted the truth...and was given everything but the truth.

I absolutely believe that "this was who he was". He just neglected to tell ME before we got married and had kids. Love is not unconditional in a relationship. It has to be based on truth. Dealbreakers should be addressed before marriage, not after finances are entwined and families started.

Always, always, the focus is always brought back to HIM...how scared he was, how painful it has been for him to live alone with this secret. HE is not the one being asked to change what he finds attractive or his sexual orientation. HE is not the one who has to watch his partner change into a caricature of something that turns him ice-cold OFF. HE is not the one who has to deal with the new knowledge that he had NEVER been what turned his partner on sexually. He is not the one who lost all trust in his partner because so many lies have been told. HE is not the one who gets nothing out of this but confusion, repulsion, or guilt because he can't accept something that goes against his own sexuality. It was all part of the deception. And then he often has the absolute balls to call you "closed-minded" or a prude or "uneducated" or "unaccepting" because you cannot change who YOU are or what YOU are attracted to, even though you were up front with it from the beginning.

Kellianne, your views are valid. They reflect your sexuality, morality, and feelings. Vent away!

Shelly

Ladies, thanks for your kind responses. I guess I should elaborate a bit.

I do know that he isn't getting any counseling at all, even transgender counseling. He's completely biased against any kind of mental health professionals. He insists that he doesn't need to pay someone to be his friend. I keep saying that a good therapist isn't your friend, and they wouldn't try to be.
He gets his estrogen in the worst way possible--over the internet from a pharmacy in India. Who knows what all is in it? Yes, he's a desperate fool.

I've actually begged him to at least talk to his doctor about it. I hate it, but I'd feel like he was safer if he just let the doctor prescribe for him. But, of course, he knows more about prescribing medication than any doctor, as well. And, please, don't get the impression that he told me about the estrogen. I specifically asked him, on more than one occasion, over a 6 month period, and he insisted he wasn't taking anything. He swore that the inability to maintain an erection was from his diabetes (which is only partially true, of course). I just happened to reach into his pocket to get his keys while he was on the phone one day 6 months ago, and pulled out the pills. He was furious with me, there was a huge blow up. His dad died of cancer in April, but had just moved in with us. so we could take care of him while on hospice. It was New Year's Day and I was cooking for his whole family. He tried so hard to make the whole thing my fault, and was ready to just end the marriage once we were done taking care of his dad ( and I did owe that to his dad, and to him. He helped me take care of my dad when he was also dying of cancer). I was offended that he would even imagine I'd abandon his dad. Eventually, he admitted that it was his fault for lying to me (although it was still another month before I found the receipt for his post office box, which is where he'd been getting deliveries. He now has them delivered to our home).

I really don't want to get a divorce. We are evangelical Christians who met in a Christian college. We've worked in music ministry on and off for our entire marriage. I was so relieved to resign from our last church in January, because I was so tired of feeling like we were living a lie in front of those people. I believe in honoring my vows. But, he vowed to be in all things, a good and loving husband to me. If he chooses to no longer be a man, I feel like I'm released. But, he won't give me those words. We are at a tipping point, and he knows it. After trying to make love a few nights ago (I didn't want him to touch me, and actually felt physically ill afterwards), I cried and told him I wanted my husband back. I feel like a widow.

On one hand, I know he really loves me and regrets hurting me. He said that as much as he wants to be married, he wants me to be happy even more. If that means I have to leave, he isn't going to fight me on a divorce. But, I'm stuck because of logistics. I used to have a career. We were married for 9 years before we brought kids into this marriage. I gave up that career because we both wanted the kids to have a stay at home parent. At the time, he was a college instructor and making almost twice as much as he does now. Then he lost the job, we lost our home, and he makes about half as much as a systems administrator at a different college. But, the benefits are good. My kids are going to be virtual schooled this year again, after a 2 year public school experiment failed. My daughter has ADD and, though she is extremely smart, finds it very stressful to try to focus in a classroom of noisy kids. My son's school is the most violent in the county and he's been assaulted and had things stolen from him (imagine how he'd be bullied if the kids knew about his father). I work for my mother in law (who is absolutely devastated by her son's recent revelation to her, and broken hearted). She owns a business, but I do most of the work for her. My kids come with me everyday, and will be able to do school from the computer with me giving minor help. I get a very small amount of money for my office work (about $100/week). For the on-site events I manage (my husband helps also, on the weekends), we get enough to make the payment on the house that we rent from my m-I-l.

Divorce would make things awkward. I know she'd support my decision, but he's her son. I'd have to find another job, but she'd feel abandoned (she's in her 70's). I can't support myself and my kids on what little I make. I couldn't really afford this house, and he's insisting he won't leave. He also insists on shared custody. But, I think I should be the ones making their choices, as his morals are questionable at present.

I told him last night that he is at a cross-roads. I have never read a story of someone just being happy with the hormone treatment and not continuing to go further and further toward changing their gender on the outside. He's already done so much that he promised he would never do, to alter his appearance. He can either stop taking it and be a husband and father, or he can continue on this journey and be a single woman. I'm not a lesbian, and my kids already have a mother (don't even get me started on how much I resent that he tries to convince his "bff" that he's the mom and housewife. He doesn't lift a finger to do any housework around here. If he washes dishes or cooks a meal for the family once in a month, it's a miracle, and has just started washing some of our laundry with his own once in a while for the first time in 21 years...and bear in mind, he's only gotten in the habit of washing his own clothes because of what he was hiding from me). He refused to even discuss it with me, said he thought we were friends, but now sees that I'm his enemy (it may have been the teenage drama queen personality that I was talking to. I kind of hate her attitude towards me). I guess we'll see where we go from here.

Thanks again for all of your support, and I will keep you posted.

Kellieanne,
I hear everything you are saying and I know of no woman, friend or relative, who had a financial/marital situation they could just walk away from and be both financially and emotionally secure. I was faced with many of the same obstacles. Not all, of 'course, but many.
Ultimately, the decision is yours and yours alone. And my support goes out to you unconditionally.
One of the best things I did was seek counseling from our Pastor. I am Roman Catholic but probably better described as an Ashes and Palms Catholic. For my children's sake we raised them Catholic and attended services weekly. So, basically, walking into the priest's and nun's offices and sitting down and telling them what was going on was not something I was comfortable with...but I did it. Fortunately for me(and unfortunately for the rest of the congregation), he had been attending Church with my son throughout his whole transformation so I didn't have to fill them in on too much. Because I had never sought out spiritual guidance in my 50 + years on earth, this was an extremely difficult thing for me to do. The support, love and insight I received from both our Pastor and Sister empowered me.
Have you spoken to your clergy?

Shelly,
Once again, you hit the nail on the head. Everything you said is so true for me as well.

Kellianne,

When partners have been married for so long, there are so many interconnecting threads that hold them together...it is very difficult to unweave the web. I hope that you can come to some kind of a compromise, if this is what you want. I was only married for 11 years when I left, but I still miss the other half of my family.

You mentioned that your husband has good benefits...could you go to therapy for yourself? Just to sort your thoughts out? I think the isolation of all of this contributes so much to the stress that a wife feels. The advice that is given for generic situations in a relationship just doesn't work well for something that runs as deep and has as many implications as being married to a trans. To be able to talk to a living person who is objective and who actually knows the whole truth can be very helpful.

You take care of yourself.

Shelly

Reggie61,

I am sorry that I didn't reply earlier to your previous post. I am so happy to hear that you were able to remove yourself from your abusive relationship. Isn't it weird, how you can't see what is happening when it is happening to you?

When I got out, I still felt that everything was my fault, somehow...and I do think that the propaganda that is put out by support sites (and that therapists often go to for "insight"!) is so different from the reality of living with this condition. I don't know if it is a sexual addiction, a sexuality, or what (and, at this point, don't really care), but I DO know that it can be very harmful to the wife. In looking back, I just find it insulting...to my intelligence, my trust, and my heterosexual identity as a woman.

My youngest son, J, like your child, hated me for years after I left. When he asked, as an adult, I told him the truth, because he had been relentless in his anger over the years. This anger was not helped by his dad blaming me and undermining me whenever possible. I didn't tell J details or tell him in a way that would make him hate his father, but I am done with hiding a secret that was harming my relationship with my son.

I am glad that you are beginning to see how abusive our situations were. The manipulation involved in hiding this secret, when combined with the isolation, the skewed feedback we get from "support" sites, the denial of the sexual aspect, the deception that is embedded into the very core of our relationships...all of this works very well to keep us exactly where we were. How many wives feel trapped in this mess?

I am so grateful that I was able to get out. My heart goes out to all who are caught up in this web of lies.

Shelly

I am at the begining of this whole process and I just feel so hopeless. My husband has started taking hormones and testosterone blockers and I told him from the begining I want to try to stay together, but I can't make any promises, and now almost everytime we speak on the phone he asks if I am going to leave him and get a divorce. I like our family for now. He doesn't look very girly as of yet except his long hair which he had before. I just wish someone could tell me if this can work or not so I can just do it now. I love him and want to support him, but I feel like I am living my life for him. Our whole relationship he has had trouble with jobs and at one point I was supporting us with our daughter for almost two years. The job force was bad, but he was being lazy and picky about what he was willing to go to work to do. I can't figure out if I am being selfish or just wanting to put myself first for once.

No on can tell you what to do. You have to make that decision on your own.
All I can do is tell you about my experience and where I am now. You may be able to live with a woman which is what he will eventually become. You may not.
When I first found out about the cross dressing I sought counseling. I was told that it was a fetish and that 90% of cross dressing men are really and truly heterosexual. Ten years later, he was still cross dressing. Two years after our divorce, he became a woman(surgeries and all). I was misled by my therapist. I was lied to by my husband. Luckily for me, my mother left me a substantial inheritance and when she died, that same week that we buried her, I decided to be selfish. I told him I wanted a divorce.
The day after he told my children(then 18, 16 and 13--female female male respectively)without my prior knowledge, I confronted him in my driveway. I told him our oldest maybe could accept it with time, my middle would never, my youngest, my son, just entering puberty and beginning to understand his own sexuality would have the hardest time. I begged him to wait until the two youngest were at least out of high school. I was furious. I had stayed with him for 10 years after I found out about the cross dressing...for the kids' sake not mine. He refused to wait until the children were older. That was selfish. He lied to me for years about the cross dressing. Went into our marriage with his secret. If he had been hiding affairs or drug abuse or gambling or anything from me it still would have been lying, cheating, deceiving and reason for divorce. The fact that it is now considered a psychological problem does not take away the fact that he lied. He misrepresented himself. He expected me to accept him as he really was. But I never knew who he really was because he lied. Again, selfish. The only reason for anyone to hide a secret that could potentially destroy a marriage is selfishness. Had he told me about the cross dressing while we were dating I would have never continued the relationship. Selfishness.
As time went by and he transgendered, my oldest who tried to keep an open mind came to me and told me she couldn't accept it. My middle hasn't seen or spoken to him in nearly two years. My 15 year old son sees him but it is more for taxi rides and money to do things with his friends. He tells me he is fine with his Dad's transgendering but has confided to his closest friends that he is embarrassed by his Dad. Time will tell how much damage this has done to my son.
Prior to his final surgery I begged him again to just live the life when he was on his business trips but not in front of the children. I told him that the girls would never accept it. He said I didn't give them enough credit. I replied that he was doing something he knew his daughters would never accept in the hopes that some day they might. I told him he was risking missing out on the most important years and milestones of their lives. My daughter graduated from High School in June. He was not given a ticket. She refused to have him there. Senior week on the field when all the participants...marching band, cheer, football walked out with their parents, he was not there. She wouldn't allow it.
Selfish. My daughters were watching home videos. The younger one left the room. She said the videos are ruined now forever because although he was the camera man you could still hear his voice on the tapes, a voice she never wants to hear again.
He has taken away their memories. He has made them uncomfortable and ashamed especially when other kids do things with their Dads.(My son dropped out of boys scouts...he said it was boring...I think it was because all the other kids had father's who volunteered for services). He is no longer their father. He is a woman. He will never be their mother, that's me. I don't know what he is. Personally I think he is a freak and I am ashamed that I ever loved him. The man I loved never existed. It was all a lie. Doesn't matter whether he lied to protect me or trick me. He needed me. He needed a wife and children and a family so he could feel like a man. And as the years passed I guess he realized he was a woman. He used me and my children. If he was truly unselfish he would have left the state. He would never have forced his children into this madness. Selfish. My older relatives, aunts and cousins...when they found out their first response was "Selfish SOB.' Selfish is the word I hear whenever I tell people about this(and I do...now I tell strangers in bars, I am beyond the humiliation...I feel the need to tell women I meet...to share even when I'm standing in line for the toilet...lol). Selfish.
So when you question your motives and start to feel down on yourself for being selfish, remember, he has always felt like a woman...even when he proposed to you and promised you'd grow old together. The only thing that has changed is that now doctors can and will do the surgery. He is selfish. Why can't you be?
When we divorced I had the world in front of me. I went back to school, was ready to get a job. I was student teaching...an overwhelming experience as any student teacher can tell you. I was bogged down with work, school, the house, the kids. Thanksgiving weekend, two weeks before my student teaching was to end, three weeks before my final papers and work needed to be done for my certificate, three weeks before my oldest took her first set of finals as a freshman in college, four weeks before Christmas, that's when he chose to tell us. Selfish. He couldn't even wait a month for the Holidays to pass. Selfish.I wanted the divorce the week my mother died, but we postponed telling them because my mother had just died. I unselfishly allowed him to stay in the house, in my bed because I didn't want the children to know about the divorce so soon after their grandmother had died. That was unselfish. I stayed with him after the cross dressing reveal for the kids' sake. That was unselfish. I took the brunt of blame for the divorce because I never wanted my children to know their dad liked to put on women's clothing. That was unselfish. I am a mother. My children come first. He put himself first. That was selfish.
Had I stayed with him I wouldn't be where I am now. Although I'm still unemployed...his selfishness has made me a hermit in many ways, I am living with a man that loves me and my children. He puts us first. He has been so good for my girls and my son. They are happier now. I am happier now. I had to be selfish....finally. I had to be happy. My children are happier because I am happier. None of this would have happened if I didn't finally and once and for all act selfishly.
Reggie