Hi GR, I'm around. It's not holiday here but I'm feeling a bit 'meh' generally. Nothing has really happened, or developed, or changed, and it's actually been the first weekend with him away that I haven't cried at all. Progress? Getting used to it? This situation becoming the new 'normal'? Who knows...
I do get overcome with fear, confusion and sadness every now and then still but it's not so overbearing as it was at first. I'm also reading lots of stuff online and am wondering about all those wonderful supportive wives I keep reading about, and wishing I could be one of them, and wondering how the hell they do it. Are they saints? Martyrs? Liars? I'm being as supportive and understanding as I can, but there is no way I can ever be 100% about something I just so badly with all my heart and soul wish wasn't happening. I wish I could, and it makes me feel like a bad person.
It is quiet on here, isn't it? Where is everyone? Hope everyone is coping.

Your thoughts about "wonderfully supportive wives" is dead on. Expectations suck. Whether they are you expectations about how life is suppose to go or your expectations of yourself or society's expectations on everyone or what you think someone else expects of you -- or even knowing a lot of those are BS and trying to push them all aside. It is hard. You can know who you want to be but some of it is impossible and some days you just aren't feeling it and then you feel like a loser.

I bet some expectations are healthy and have a useful role in the world, but most of it sucks.

I'm not as comfortable posting here as I used to be. I deleted most of my posts because I felt bad from the interactions I had with another commenter.

I often feel transphobic and horrible because I'm not a wonderfully supportive partner, and I know I shouldn't care what he looks like, and be happy that he's realised his true self. I keep most of this to myself, but he senses that I'm not really that happy.

It’s has been quite but I’m here. As Sylph said nothing has really changed or happened but I also think my husband senses that I’m having a hard time dealing and he kinds shuts off. He wanted to shave his chest and stomach and after some discussion he dropped the idea for now. I don’t know if it’s something I said or not. He has seemed a bit distant for past couple of days but won’t talk to me and kinda dealing with the GD on his own. I feel like we take 2 steps forward and after some time take 2 back. This is way too complicated. On top of all of this my 5 year old is acting out and having some anxiety issues so I have had no time to think about anything else.
I agree with GR’s post that the representation of normal families during this season does make you feel isolated.

Having a very tough time right now...
Had the first of many family gatherings over the weekend. A potluck Thanksgiving dinner of about 100 - brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews and all of their children too. I was hoping it would be a diversion to all that has been going on. But I was really struggling - feeling horribly isolated, like a fraud and to be honest a bit scared that someone would put some of his small visual clues together (he stepped back a tiny bit, but even so his appearance is just different than my family has known for 33 years). I found myself battling tears and not socializing much at all.
Some of you may know the yo-yo that we've been on trying to find the "right" timing for telling just our own kids. Well Thanksgiving weekend was supposed to be it, but we are again back to waiting until after the first of the year. We both decided that we just want to be able to enjoy our children and our family over the holidays. He thinks he can wait. And me?? I'm planning on having lots of wine and tissues on hand for a few months!!
Don't even start with the perfect holiday scenes and family everywhere!
GR you are right! THIS SUCKS!!!

YS, don't feel intimidated about posting here. We are all going through the same thing, and are generally supportive and understanding. And I feel just like you do, rather hating myself for not being supportive enough.

Zindagi - my guy shaved all over without telling me. I think he thought I wouldn't notice. Maybe that is why he avoided sex for 2 years....mind you, he never had chest hair really, and he's fair haired so his body hair was never that noticeable anyway. Hope things get sorted out with your little one. It's so hard when there are kids. Do you think he/she has sensed something about what is going on? Kids can be very perceptive...

Mommanettie, sorry you're having a hard time. I know what you mean. I'm dreading Christmas in a way - I'm British, so we don't do Thanksgiving. We are going to my daughter's, my other daughter and her hubby will be there too, as well as my sister and her family. I find it hard to believe that no one has not noticed the changes in OH already - people have made comments about how thin he is and how long his hair has got. I'm scared that someone will say something and the shit will hit the fan. OH isn't happy about going there for Christmas as it is, and all it may take is a flippant comment....I will be a bag of nerves the whole time :(

Hope everyone else is still surviving.

Hi Sylph, we have tried to be as normal as we can around the kids, but I don't know if he has sensed something in my behavior. I have been very uninterested in doing anything lately. Work is a complete mess too, I cannot concentrate and so behind on my deadlines.
I am looking for a therapist for him too. Its just too much and I fell like I am falling apart if I haven't already.

We had a good session at the therapist and at the very least, I feel more in control of where I am. I thought I'd share some of the useful things we discussed.

One, she reminded both of us that processing emotions was not like processing facts or thoughts. It takes longer and cannot be rushed to completion because you need to have the time and experience with the emotions before you can process them.

She reminded my husband that partly because of that reason, he should not try to "fix" my emotions and make them go away. Also because that attitude can make me feel "broken" (like something is wrong with me) or it can invalidate my feelings.

She said when I am feeling down (or vice versa), I should try to tell him right away what I need (a hug, some time alone, a box of tissues) so that he doesn't overreact to my mood and do something that makes it worse. And if I am unable to tell him, if he sees me struggling, he should ask what I need first before reacting. And it goes that other way too if he is down. In other words, we need to let each other have feelings and emotions and be there for each other without trying to control the other one or their feelings. (On the plus side, he reacted really well when he came home on Monday and I was a wreck. He had a quick moment of trying to see if it was his fault and I thought he was going to try and fix it, but then he just gave me a hug and helped me make dinner and made me laugh about something.)

In talking to the therapist, I also realized that I naturally tend to acknowledge differences between myself and others but focus instead on what we have in common. I find a lot of peace and happiness in celebrating the common ground between people. But it took me awhile to get there. And it will take awhile for me to be able to process this new difference I have and be able to put it aside and focus again on the commonality. But I will get there. And when I do, I won't feel so isolated and "abnormal" anymore.

Oh and I told her about this group and about the illusive WSW (wonderfully supportive wives). Sylph, she said that sounds like bullshit (first time I heard her curse, LOL). She said people may eventually get to that point but she has never seen any spouse who learned their SO was transgender after being married, have NO difficulties and accept it immediately and happily.

I am going to see her alone a little more frequently for awhile to have a safe space to process some of my feelings without causing my husband unnecessary pain. Same as he has had to spare me. And I trust her enough to tell us which things we need to discuss with each other and not keep hidden. But part of the process is individual and the other cannot do much to help except sit by patiently and hold our hand.

Hope some of this is helpful. Hang in there you guys. Please don't leave. I also found out that support groups for spouses -- in person -- are very hard to find. Even near big cities. And many are more LGB than T. We need each other and in the spirit of Thanksgiving, which some of us celebrate, I wanted to tell you all that I am thankful you are here! I feel a little better today and I will take that :)

It all sounds very useful, GR. We had a good counselling session too, which I will post about separately. I'm learning to be a more WSW....
And a happy Thanksgiving to all too! xxx