Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
So the way I described my experience with my spouse transitioning, and the impending divorce is that it feels like I got thrown in the garbage. I may have been the one to see a lawyer first, but it was with the intention of drawing up separation paperwork, so as to have clear terms to work off of while we worked our crap out.
She was the one who made it clear through her behaviors during this process that I was simply not a priority anymore. It wasn't worth bothering to even try staying married because how could I possibly repair all of the bridges she burnt, and continued to burn? Today would have been our 3rd anniversary, (our legal anniversary, the family wedding was on the 25th.)
She never wanted to celebrate 2 anniversaries (the family wedding and the legal wedding.) I guess it would have meant getting me flowers twice, and I was never worth that much.
My therapist says she's taking care of her own needs right now, and now I need to take care of my own too. Trying to help her isn't taking care of me.
Well, I feel like I got thrown in the garbage in favor of a desire to rush headlong into femininity. The bathing I helped her do after her stroke?- of no consequence. The cooking I did every morning before coming to visit her in the hospital during that stroke?: Also of no consequence. All of the ways she treated me badly that I forgave, figuring she meant well, so I should see the intention rather than what came of it. So many things I've done and forgiven....
But now that push came to shove, she couldn't give me necessities like time, love, or understanding
She says she won't be able to trust well enough to date for quite a few years. I have NEVER lied to her once since meeting her. She says she knows, and it's a matter of trust that a person will not hurt her. It seems a good wife would have put up with whatever came, would have shut up and bore all of the berating. When her sister took pride of place as most important person in her life, I should have congratulated her sister on becoming first wife and joyfully accepted my position as second wife. I should have surrendered my needs to her desire for celibacy, and later when her sex drive returned, sought out a therapist to make myself lesbian enough to satisfy her, and danced joyfully, with pom poms everytime yet another piece of the masculinity that I much preferred died.
Now she speaks as though she was the one that was hurt here.
As for dating, honestly, your spouse might not find someone as accommodating as you were. There are many hurdles they'll have to face. Not every lesbian out there is going to want to date your ex and even then some might even break up with her because your ex goes on to treat them as your ex did to you.
You, on the other hand, are free. You won't face the same problems your spouse will face when you start dating again.
Did I mention I was in my first trimester of pregnancy when all of that cooking occurred? Heh. First trimester is the easier one, so it would sound a bit more dramatic than is strictly accurate.
And seriously, we need a live action cis spouse support group. I don't drink, but we could do lots of other things. And I'm guessing people out there will be willing to take her crap.
I spent a while telling myself nobody's going to take her crap, and then realized, wait, her dad is selfish and secretive and has been married 25 years. They needed marital counseling to make it work, but apparently they are still willingly married to each other. Granted, a coworker of mine describes his father's marriage as a marriage of 'f#ckbuddies', but it is a marriage that is willingly stayed in nevertheless.
Her sister concealed the fact that they were also trans for 3 YEARS from her fiancee, quit her job about a year ago to sit there and mope about it or some such, instead doing some art commissions and making part time money. Before this they had a depression issue that they told their mother and sibling about, but felt they couldn't discuss this with their fiancee. Oh and did I mention they are asexual too? They are willing to have sex for the fiancee, but aren't really interested. I had expected to hear of the fiancee throwing them out for such secrecy and concealment, but it seems he didn't.
So perhaps she too, will find someone willing to bear it. I won't understand why they are willing, but perhaps there will be.
Still gotta wonder how that fiancee withstands being married to somebody that won't trust him. My former stepmother-in-law is absorbed with her kids/ grandkids and gets her emotional outlet there. But what of this fiancee?
So, CF, I completely understand what you are saying. For me, it seemed that once my spouse got everything she wanted, she set out to get rid of the things she no longer wanted. The things that remind her of her life before transition, and unfortunately, I am in that category.
To be fair to ex's therapist, on hearing that my primary concerns were food, water, shelter, financial planning, physical health, our kid (gee, how selfish am I?! Hah) she apparently decided to talk to my ex herself. My ex came home claiming she had a financial plan all along and that it wasn't the first time I heard this new one she concocted for the therapist. Maybe my ex had filled her head with tales of the awful bigot spouse and she had to speak to me for herself to know the truth?
And yes... that therapist needs to amend that last part to maybe when the trans spouse perceives the cis spouse to be unsupportive.
The pod person story I tell people just keeps getting closer and closer to real life. Next thing you know they're gonna show me a transition pod...