Finally ok to breathe
So, I am finally able to breathe. I have spoken with my spouse and tried to just list what I am ok with and express where I am at. Basically, I told him I married a man, I see him as a man, and that's it. Period. I am not calling him by another name because I do not see him as anyone but who I married. I told him I was ok with his dressing at home, I was ok with his dressing androgenously around town, BUT I was going out to plays and on dates with my husband. PERIOD. That's it. He said that at this time he is happy and feeling like his outside reflects his inside. So for now, I am going to stop thinking about it, I am going to stop fretting, BUT I am not going to stop planning or preparing for life without him. I do not know how long his "authentic" self is going to be insync. I am going to continue planning for my future, I am going to curtail my spending, continue trying diligently to save and to squirrel away all that I can. I am going to make sure all my bills are paid and I have limited to no outstanding debt. If we stay together, wonderful we'll start retirement with more. If not, at least I will be a bit more financially prepared. That will relieve some stress.
I have to admit, it is a relief to finally have a decision made one way or another. I will be going to a therapist, but just knowing what I can and can't deal with and being able to be honest and frank about it really helps us both. If he gets to the point where he needs to go further, then we can revisit things, but at least I am standing up for myself and I can verbalize what I can and can not handle. What a relief.
I feel like a backpack of bolders has been lifted off my shoulders and back. It's quite freeing.
Don't know why, but I am feeling lonely and disconcerted today. It is quiet on this forum so I thought I'd try to see if anyone was out there and what's up with them. I don't think the holidays are making me anxious but it may just be the over-representation of "normal" families in all the holiday media that is making me feel more isolated. Hope all is well with everyone else
Yesterday, my mother told my sister that she plans on leaving my father after the holidays. My father was home and had accidentally walked in on this conversation, and he absolutely did not know about her intentions.She says it's primarily his inability to lose weight that is a big driver for this, since she's asked him to do so many times. He's asked her to stop smoking since they were married...
I think Julia Roberts summed it up well in Pretty Woman...."Why is it always so much easier to believe the bad stuff?" Over the years, I have come a long way. Through counseling, contact with others who also struggled through similar (and sometimes very different) circumstances and .....as I began to trust and open up , I would get support, encouragement and kind words from healthier people....