*hugs* We have a couples therapy appointment tonight and I feel depressed and I don't want to go. I've run out of things to say too and I feel so small and quiet.

But I wanted to say that I'm thinking of you GR and wishing you the best! *hugs*

Oh that familar faces. I go on here when I reach my darkest moments knowing that complete strangers get it.

I feel there will not be "closure." I try to occupy myself with work and crafts, but barely leave the house. I avoid social media. The world has changed without me. In order to focus on positive things, I avoid the topic as much as possible.

Cora, how was couples therapy? Quiet and small describe this feeling perfectly. Thanks all of you for being here and responding.

My therapist told me the other day that I need to focus on my own well-being and not get caught up is his reactions. But when you live with someone and you have loved and cared for them for more than two decades, I don't understand how you can ignore their reactions in your day-to-day life? Is it possible to love someone and basically not care about them? I find this hard to do.

gallinarosa,

I completely relate to your post. I haven't been on this site in awhile. I don't know what to say anymore. I am just living day to day and trying to stay calm. That is the general state of things.

We quit the couple's counseling. We both see a therapist individually still, but it was getting to be too much talking about things. Maybe it's just a break - we'll see.

I know that I love my spouse, and I am trying to figure out if it is possible to be supportive and also okay in my marriage. I am focusing as much on how much my spouse is my best friend.

"Is it possible to love someone and basically not care about them?"

I feel this so hard!!!

The couples therapist is good, but I think ultimately my spouse has a very hard time seeing things from my point of view. That makes any therapy very difficult. Thankfully our therapist is moving onto a new job so I'm going to stop seeing a couples therapist. It just makes me upset.

Keep taking care of yourself GR. Do things you want to do. My spouse is upset when I do things without him--he feels like I'm leaving him--but I need to take care of myself. If he's not going to support me in who I am, I have to support myself in who I am. If your spouse is upset, he has to manage his own feelings--it's not your job to manage his.

Long time no see!
Ex spouse still awful - comes in waves- mostly bad ones but we just had a wave of good behavior for a brief period.
Therapist not formally transition trained, even if not a bigot- makes life easier because he has no compunctions about saying I got screwed with this deal- something a previous therapist couldn't seem to reconcile herself with. Makes discussion easier.

At this point, we are divorced. She can cut off/ add whatever the heck she wants to her body. Not my problem, not my business. That much becomes easier, even if I wonder at the consequences of prancing around in a triangle top bikini and daisy dukes around our toddler.

As seen in my posting- single most hurtful thing I'm dealing with lately is hearing 'Oh so now he's got 2 mommies!'- No, no he doesn't, I still exist, in spite of the fact that she's flashier and more glamorous. Last time I went home and cried.

I hear you totally
If my X does transition they will not become a mum.
I am my children's mother and only me.i carried them and gave birth to them and looked after them. He is Thier parent - even if he is not doing a good job of it at the moment. They can call him a word that means parent .... Not mother.

I have just joined. I found out my husband was transgender in 2001 when my daughter was just ten weeks old and my son three-years-old. We eventually divorced. Today I wanted to write to a newspaper about my experiences but my children and second husband got really mad at me. I just wanted to tell the truth. Everyone supports transgender people and we, the spouses, are made to feel like bigots or narrow-minded if we can't accept them. I also got tired of talking about it as everyone in society seems to think it's all okay, but it's not. This is the only thing I have found online that comes anywhere near looking at our issues. My ex husband was abusive and yet everyone says to support him. I'm so angry. Depression is a form of anger. I was depressed for 17 years and now I am so,so angry at the lack of support for us. That's maybe why these people have faded away. Our voices are not being heard.

loosestrife, it sounds like you never got the support to allow you to process your feelings back then and you have never been able to heal. I think it was a great idea for you to seek a group like this. I think part of the way we help each other is by validating our feelings enough to allow us to move on in a healthier way.

I think you should write out what you wanted to, but do it for yourself. Post it here if you need to be heard. See if that helps enough before you take the next step. That way you can figure out why you are so compelled to write it out and how to resolve that need.

There's no harm in writing it. Only good.

Glad you found us.

Thank you. I'm happier now I have found these forums. I actually feel lucky in that I have come through it. My children are happy, but cautious about whom they talk to. They have only told a few close friends. I mistook that for me being able to vent my pain and frustration. It was my son's idea to seek out a support group. I had tried a few times but, I guess I was more determined this time. I feel that I will visit this site until I get it all out of my system. There are so many posts that I am reading that I identify with. I also listened to the BBC Radio broadcast and TED talk that was mentioned by someone on here. I don't feel alone and I don't feel I have to tell the world my story. There are slowly more and more people who are expressing concern and that is good enough for me now. I can come here and know I am not alone. I don't talk about it in public. I get nervous around family occasions as my brother, sister, nephew and nieces seem to find it amusing to bring it up. I may be taking it personally but I find it distressing and when I try to put my point of view forward they belittle me and try and explain all the science 'facts' that are coming up about transgender. They say that my experience shouldn't colour what I believe about transgender. It makes me angry. I have a family occasion coming up soon. It makes me not want to go.

Welcome loosestrife, this forum is such a support and has helped me realise that I'm not alone and what I'm feeling is normal. I only comment occassionally but read often.

What GR has suggested about writing it down for yourself is really useful; if you need to share it you can do that here. If some of your family try to engage you on it you can always say that you would prefer not to discuss it and if they want to know why you can tell them that it upsets you and leave it at that. My husband has been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and also bangs on about the 'science' behind it; I use inverted commas because there's no sceintific methodology in any of it and so much of it is based on extremely small sample sizes or self reporting, which invalidates it anyway. If only they could see that it's big pharma trying to cash in on what is a very lucrative market for them.

GR, I know what you mean about fading away - there's only so much to be talked about, although it's also sometimes a feeling of withdrawing into myself so I can try and function normally. Plus a sense of dread about what will happen next, which is avoiding the issue but what the hell it gives me time to reflect.

loosestrife, I'm so sorry your family is not understanding of your feelings. Quite frankly, your pain has nothing to do with the science of being trans, but you lost a very important relationship in your life and it was very painful (while parenting two young children no less!) Grieving is a process we all go through as humans, and having a loved one transition is very similar having them die even though they didn't.

Some trans people call their birth name their "dead name," and if people would like to respect that term, then they can also understand that a transition may also feel like a death for their loved ones.

I think sometimes I get tired of seeing myself type the same words over and over again like a broken record reflecting the broken me. Husband and I still live together with our 5 year old daughter. Still taking the estrogen and tesosterone blockers. I dont know how LONG the effects of the estrogen causes the breasts to grow but he is already bigger than I am. Now wears bras which is so obvious. He thinks wearing normal t shirts and not shorty shorts is a compromise when we go out as a family as I wont go anywhere with just us but he cant hide his chest. He resfuses to bind them when we are out together so it is a personal struggle to go anywhere as a family and i ONLY do that because I want marisa to see we are still a family unit. I have been sick a lot lately with sore throats probably because of the stress between him, my veteran charity work and my politial treasurer position. I nver take sick time and I took a sick day today which should be resting but it is more like a day to catch up on paperwork. Dont know if i mentioned in here but he met some "woman" like him who lives in Virginia and he went there from 7/3 to 7/5 and stayed with her. Begged to come home 7/5 when i told him dont bother until that sunday which was 7/7. He first told me that he was mortified about how far the pushed the dressing and that he wont go that far and he will tone it down but comes back into the house in these wripped tight short denim shorts that were his female cousins. When i asked what tone it down meant to him he tells me he never told me that even though I talked with his aunt and he told HER the SAME thing. He has done this for years said he never said something to make me feel crazy but this time he messed up because he told another person the same thing. I think my sore throats are more so like a panic thing when my throat feels closed off but it is becoming a weekly thing anymore. I cant afford therapy but he may be getting a new job with cheaper co pays so when that comes through I am going to start going. May as well use him for something since he uses me for everything else. Thinks since we are separated which is only my idea because i just cant stand him and what he is doing but he thinks since he said i can do anything i want or whomever i want that is some prize and he is a great husband for allowing it but in all reality that is not what i want. I cant think of even trying that with someone and as I told im any guy who would even be interested in that situation would be someone who is probably married and wants a side chick and that is not what I want. He goes out more than i have in 20 years. Almost every Saturday to meet up with some other tran people, i had to have him change his verizon password because i saw how much he talks to this Virginia chick. HE blocked me on facebook but not someone others so they show me photos he posts and comments he makes on this other chicks photos like you look beautiful hon, she says thanks babe but he insists that he just says that because it makes her feel good like a support system but he also must think I am stupid. If he finds her attractive which he denies then i am so not his type anymore obviously. I told him i feel like I live in a cell because my bedroom is the only place I feel ok in. We had a new parent teacher conference yesterday and I was mortified being with him and his huge chest in this tight t shirt.