Hey, CF, I can't say that it is good to "see" you again because I wish you had no need for us, but I'm glad that if we are here we are able to be a measure of support for you.

We sound like our situations are similar. My spouse will say that she didn't lie or deceive because she didn't know she wanted this. Then she will offhandedly say that she had always, since she was a little boy, dream about (fill in the blank). Well, if it was something dreamed about as a young child, you can't claim you didn't know anything about this. I can accept that you may not have known what to call it, but it was still there.

And the divorce process has just upped the meanness factor. Seriously, she did something nice the other day, and it immediately made me suspicious because kindness has become so out of character for her.

And yes, divorce is HARD, but as hard as it is, I know it is the right choice for me and my spouse. All her antics just confirm that to me. Also, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and as I move on, this storm that I am in will cease to surround me and will move to the review mirror, and it will continue to get smaller and smaller and more and more insignificant as I move on with my life. The only other choice, for me, was to remain in the storm and the chaos, and that came with no end in sight and I just couldn't do it.

I wish you peace and strength.

Ugh. I have no words of wisdom so I am just sending a virtual hug <3

Thanks!
Oh and in interesting news: I *think* we may have worked out some compromises on the divorce stuff together? (fingers crossed this works and we end up with a peaceful divorce.)

A thing I'm getting tired of: cis spouse isn't supposed to have feelings or be taken into consideration. Cis spouse should just be willing to accommodate all. If she can't do so now, give her time to be able to withstand the pain.

Soo many do not seem to understand that WE HAVE FEELINGS TOO!!
(and if you want to stay married to us, you have to take them into account)

Hi confusedfairy! I hope it's smooth sailing as it can be from now on. I'm sending all the love your way! *hugs*

CF, I hope the compromises hold and you can finish things amicably.

And yes, we have feelings, too. A marriage is an equal partnership and both parties feelings need to be taken into account.

Sending you love, CF, and hope things can go as smoothly as possible.

CF - it's not just that we don't have feelings or that we shouldn't show them, it's that we have to understand their feelings of being a lesbian and take these changes as it is just who they always were and allow them to be their "authentic selves", however we are not afforded the same. I'm not a lesbian, however my spouse gets sad/upset when I say that. I get to be perceived by the outside world as something other then my authentic self to be with you. Why do I have to make all the concessions????

Agree with all of the women that complain about needing to be perceived as something other than our authentic selves just to exist and be civil (this doesn't go away with divorce, btw.)

And also let's add another complaint to this: the closet- sometimes I want to be in there cozied up away from what the rest of the world will think, and sometimes I want to be able to bluntly declare, yeah, my husband decided that it was time to finally reveal what he'd been keeping from me all these years: that SHE was actually a woman. I was EVEN willing to attempt to be a lesbian to keep our marriage together, but apparently I wasn't worth keeping around when I revealed that I had the power of independent thought.

But I don't get to pick when I'm in or out of that closet do I?! Again, that privilege goes to our spouse!

Hi CF, Ice also been away from this board for a long while. We seem to have decided that a divorce is eminent, but my wife isn’t really helping to move that forward at all because she needs to find a new job first.

She’s still treating me as a second thought at best.

I go between intense sadness and relief that at some point in the not too distant future I won’t have to deal with this as much anymore.

I am very worried about what it’s going to do to our 5 year old, though.

SportRocque: gotta say, getting a divorce might make us the lucky ones in a sense, even if I don't exactly feel happy, and I'm living with my parents right now. Seems like you have three groups here:
-the divorcing folks
-the ones where transition makes everybody happy (hooray for happy endings when feasible!)
-the ones where the cisspouse has that lost look in their eyes, or makes it abundantly clear in some other way that this is not a happy ending for them.

I don't want to be one of the people with the lost look in my eyes, and it annoys the hell out of me that there are so many people who think it perfectly acceptable to emotionally destroy/ break their spouse for the sake of what they want!
If the folks in the second category can manage to transition without breaking their spouse, well dammit, why can't everybody else do the same?!!

My son is 2 and doesn't seem to notice much. But again, he's 2 and doesn't talk much just yet, so he may notice more than we realize. Your 5 year old is likely able to tell you what they think, and may well even adapt to the situation better than the adults, given time and support.

At 5 however, your child will be more aware of what's going on, and hopefully, your wife will be responsible enough to plan transition in accordance with your child's emotional needs.

And why is it my spouse feels the need to command me on everything when this didn't used to happen?