Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hi,
As in a previous post, I wrote about the fact that my spouse's sibling interfered in a squabble of ours:
I was on the phone with sibling, and walked out to find spouse meditating on a sword. We have some real and some show pieces in our home, and I don't know which is which. I have never seen spouse doing this, sibling and I both concerned that spouse was trying to commit suicide. Spouse swore repeatedly that this was not the case and sibling believed it. I wasn't sure, figuring well, people really bent on hurting themselves are going to say what they need to hurt themselves. I was about to call 911 when spouse ripped the phone out of my hand, and we proceeded to begin arguing, with sibling on speaker phone at this point. Sibling would say 'oh god' or 'oh lord' whenever I said anything, and this finished with sibling asking my spouse 'isn't there any way you can get away from her?'
Spouse did not stop sibling at any time, and finished this argument with telling me that I probably ought to leave.
I yelled at spouse about interference (i walked out for a week after this first), saying that this must never happen again. Spouse and in laws all think this was just family defending itself, and as per FiL, 'blood is thicker than water.' Sibling realized she destroyed our marriage and offered to take the blame and spouse said no. Spouse insists that sibling was just defending her to this day.
I said please bring this up with therapist, the secrets you two keep together, hiding the conversations you two have from me is unhealthy, and I cannot be married to someone whose sister is allowed to participate in our marriage.
When I saw gender therapist, I got nods and uh huh. She seemed to think food water shelter were top priorities and didn't at any time say she disagreed with my concern that spouse-sibling relationship and interference was a problem. I was under the impression she agreed with me that the sibling interference was inappropriate.
Per my spouse however, therapist told her, 'well family defends each other' thus indicating she condones the sibling's behavior.
I feel betrayed and lied to by therapist. If you disagreed with me and think it's ok for in laws to backseat drive, well by all means tell me to my face. Have some integrity!
she also finished by saying our meeting (the first one) was a conflict of interest, so she will continue seeing my spouse but not me. THis same woman does want to do our marital counseling however. Not sure how she can be neutral if she sees my spouse regularly but not me...
Am wondering is therapist:
a) only concerned with gender change and the cis spouse is immaterial to the world (seems like this in trans rooms. You can either be cheerleader immediately, and instantly, or get out.)
b) only concerned with fee, and if an interaction begets a fee it will be promoted
c) just going to say yes to everything that comes her way as she's basically one of those hinged wooden ducks?
Also implications: have attempted interacting in trans chat rooms and while some people are absolutely delightful, some people are hostile. Now chatrooms do bring in the more extreme, but that extremity is also caused by honesty. Are trans people going to be hostile to me IRL and will I need a spouse that's willing to defend me from hostilities if we stay married?
Sorry for all postings being so long...
I asked this therapist for recommendations for someone for my wife and I to see together, and the ones she sent me both had gender identity pages on their websites, stressing the affirmative mode of treatment, as opposed to even considering any other psychological issue. We live in a very "progressive" area*, where it is difficult to find people willing to question trans ideology in case they're labeled a bigot.
Anyway, I really do wish you the best of luck. Navigating this is the hardest thing I've ever done.
*I put progressive in quotes, because it is almost solely in relation to the LGBT community (mostly T lately it seems), not so much in racial or economic equality, unfortunately.
I guess the cynic in me is saying money will always be in charge, and it makes them more money to keep trans people coming for what they want than it does to try to dig deeper for an underlying issue to work through (even if it won't change the desire to transition.)
Btw, some of what you're going through I did for a while too, saying some of my spouse's experiences could have provided ample reason to hate being male. In my case, it was likely denial.
That said, what will be a very unpopular opinion on trans pages is:
It seems like the trans world doesn't want people to reach a point of comfort with the body/elements of the body they have. In fact, it seems as though trans people who opt out of medically transitioning are looked down on by the rest of the trans community.
In the medical world, minimizing the number of procedures/ drug treatments a patient gets is considered a good thing. Here it seems like it's a bad thing to want for your spouse (in spite of the genuine medical risks and the horrendous lack of appropriate research.)
I don't trust the trans community as they glorify out and often tell him to do what he needs to without regard for anyone else.
In the medical world, minimizing the number of procedures/ drug treatments a patient gets is considered a good thing. Here it seems like it's a bad thing to want for your spouse (in spite of the genuine medical risks and the horrendous lack of appropriate research.)"
I think this hits on a lot of what I find disturbing about the current trans rights community. It's all pushed so hard, and any attempt at delving deeper into potential underlying issues, or questioning that the "only" thing that helps is surgeries and lifelong drugs (the long-term effects of which we really do not have good data on) is considered bigoted/abusive.
I had heard from a regular marriage and family counselor earlier this week who was taking clients, but then I gave her my availability, and haven't heard anything back yet.
This therapist looks to be quite young. Given the appearance of her age (which perhaps I am miscalculating), she likely does not have decades of experience with trans persons. So if not experience, and not data, what are we going on here?
Also a point with regard to what you said SportRocque: my understanding is that some folks get every procedure/ medication there is, and still do not feel satisfied, indicating to me that perhaps, their understanding of what makes people feel better is not as good as they think. Perhaps quality therapy is even more important than it is given credit for, and the only people who care to know more about this are those of us who the industry does not profit off of.
I worry that that might end up being the case with my wife. She tends to get fixated on things, and eventually moves on. But this is a lot more potentially damaging than past fixations. I think as soon as the sheen of newness wears off, and people find new people to fawn over, she will be left much worse off than before.
"perhaps, their understanding of what makes people feel better is not as good as they think... and the only people who care to know more about this are those of us who the industry does not profit off of."
I think that is where it gets really scary.
Look, I have no idea what was going on inside my spouse's head. What kind of conflict, etc. However, I do know it had to be great enough that she gave up almost her entire life to start a new one as a woman, and was sure that would help bring her peace. Given her sour disposition, it seems unlikely it has though, and that genuinely saddens me. Could it be that a therapist who wanted to dig deep and get to the why would have been able to help my spouse deal with some issues that maybe she didn't even realize she had? Of course, my spouse would have had to have been a willing participant in this and be willing to put in the work. Or was it just easier and more politically correct to guide and act as a cheerleader to my spouse's transition - along with the online community that was cheering her on.
For us, what's done is done, but I do hope we can get to a point where these things can be studied and explored.
So I would not write off ALL gender therapists, I would just shop around more.
Because it occurs to me: I said I had heard some transpeople offload their spouse (and everyone else) when they transition. And she said yes, especially when the spouse is not supportive. (Somehow I thought I was supportive.)
She may be biased towards my spouse, but now I'm wondering if she's biased towards my spouse because she doesn't think I'm going to stay in the picture for long.
And 1newstart: wanting to put in the work! This is the problem we all have, isn't it. Our spouses don't WANT to put in the work it would take to consider our feelings, and the other issues surrounding their gender identity. It would take effort to make us fully understand the issues surrounding this situation, and that's something they're not willing to give us.
I ask my spouse to discuss certain things when he goes and when he comes home, he says they didn't get to it because she focused on something else. Then I will see her and we will talk about the issue I thought was important. I'll say that I wish she had spoken to my spouse about it and she will reply that he gets so obsessed with something else (the thing HE said that SHE focused on) that they didn't have time. So then I am left with who to believe? I am thinking I should believe her. As much as I love him, my spouse is slippery and if he wants to avoid a subject, he is good at it. Though I also wonder if she is just trying to get him to come in more to increase her income. Sad that I even have to wonder any of these things.
Also, we ARE going to try to see a separate marriage counselor, though we are trying to find one who at least is not prejudiced against LGBTQ as my spouse is EXTREMELY nervous about telling someone else and how they will react. I'll let you all know how it goes...
Definitely, if you feel uncomfortable we a therapist, you should find a new one.