Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I was holding our five month old son when I realized that my husband wanted to become my wife. May 16th, 2015 was the date of my world started crumbling. I was a first-time mom, a first-year teacher, and just when I thought I had it all, I started losing it all. The anxiety and depression took over, and I spent the rest of my son's first year of life crying, and faking happiness in front of others. I didn't know how to tell anyone especially my parents, my husband was very much like a son to them. Fast forward two years and one month and I've stayed much longer than I expected. I have watched my love change into a person who exclusively wears women's clothing (he has certain outfits that are okay for when we are around people that do not know), paints their nails clear, has long hair, and is definitely the shape of a woman. That's the part that hurts me really bad. He is the ideal woman size and I am nowhere near it. I have to watch him wear clothes that I can only dream of wearing. He's making me feel like less of a Woman by turning into a woman. Sometimes I feel like the depression and anxiety are just going to swallow me whole. But I have to keep it together and push forward because we now have a two-and-a-half-year-old who deserves on Mommy that not contain to her bed because she is in the midst of another panic attack. :-( I am not the mother I wanted to be and that is killing me.
Our families know and many friends, and although they don't understand, they've been supportive of both of us. Only two people at work know for me which is making it rough because I feel like I'm constantly having to fake smiles when I feel like I just want to cry. But I think I'm afraid that if people know they'll think that our 10-year relationship has been a lie, which is silly and stupid, but I don't know why that is so important to me. I feel like I have to prove that we actually love each other and I'm not sure why.
Recently I realized that my spouse takes pictures/videos of people when we are out and about together. He doesn't do it for sexual reasons but instead because he wants to be those people.
Sorry to hear you're in so much pain. Please know that you're not alone. I'm at the point where I don't want to leave, I love my partner so much but I think I might have to because I hate feeling so miserable and alone all the time. I hate having to always fake that I am okay when I'm really not.
Your happiness matters just as much as your partner's happiness. You can deeply love each other but not be compatible. Please don't forget to love yourself as well.
Breaking up a family is a horrible experience to go through, but sometimes things are better that way for everyone. Your child deserves to have parents that are happy. You deserve to have the chance to be happy.
Like Gallinarosa suggested I would strongly recommend that you start attending therapy if you aren't already doing so.
Keeping all your fears and anxiety bottled up is only going to make you feel worse. I would suggest creating a safe space (such as in therapy) where you can be brutally honest with your spouse about all your fears, concerns and how you actually feel.
At the end of the day if you can't work through this walking away doesn't make you a bad person. It isn't fair that you have to be miserable in order for your partner to be happy, nor is it fair for your partner to be miserable and living a lie in order for you to be happy. Breaking up is painful and shit but if you can't make each other happy then you deserve to find people who can.
I hate that your stuck in this situation and truly hope you can find a way to be content and happy, whether that is with your partner or without them.