Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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confusedfairy 08/21/2018

So after some awful things my ex's lawyer did (yes, I know, somewhat on ex's go ahead), and my ex realizing her feelings, she wants to reconcile, and is toying with firing her lawyer. True to her word, she's willing to negotiate rather than go through the courts (which serves both of us better anyway.) I would still keep this at a separation and try marital counseling, not just jump and move back in. My wedding ring is still off for the time being.

She also says that she's currently feeling ok with the status quo- that is, a bit of underdressing and nailpolish. She doesn't know what the future holds either.

I feel like most people in my path think I'm nuts for even considering this, given how she's behaved. The thing is, I am considering this. I do miss being married to him during better times. I don't know how to get past some of the things she's done, but I'm willing to give marital counseling a chance. I'm also trying very hard to be realistic about the nature of transition- it will be totally unpredictable. This last bit scares me. Therapist asks what do I want for my son as well, as though taking him away from his father entirely could be an improvement over watching his father go through this.

Which brings me to therapy: She wanted to know whether I wanted to be married for the sake of avoiding the alternative, or do I want this for the sake of the person I'm married to? She also asked me what I want for me. My first answer was I want to be married to a man.

What's frustrating about her questions is that I feel like life isn't all about me! What about how I fit into the scheme of things? What about our son?

I am left wondering if I will never have an answer that satisfies everybody, or myself.

And a question I have for myself, now that I'm writing this- so let's say I decided I want to be married to a man, and thus, I get divorced and find myself a heterosexual cismale. As we can all affirm, you don't always know what you're getting when you marry them. Will I reach that point and feel like ok, what I had was better (and I can't get it back if I got divorced)?

Cora 08/21/2018

I don't think it's wrong of your to consider getting back together and doing therapy. However, I do think you need to prepare yourself that therapy may not fix things between you too. But, perhaps, deciding to divorce will be a bit easier then because you know you explored all opinions.

I think where I'm at now is that I'm so miserable in my relationship right now, I would be better off being alone. Will another relationship be better or worse? I don't know, but what I do know is that my spouse is not treating me in a healthy way right now and it just seems like it can't be fixed.

gallinarosa 08/21/2018

Sometimes, yes, therapy might make you cry. I think the therapists ask questions like, "What do you want?", Not because they want you to make a selfish one-sided decision, but to check and make sure that you have factored your own needs into the mix. I think you are doing alright if you are taking it slowly and being thoughtful. And it sounds like you are. Hugs. We are here for you!

confusedfairy 08/22/2018

Also lately she identifies as genderfluid and says changes made will also be made on my go ahead, if we stay married and reconcile. I guess this means pronouns will need to change. Not sure if that's she or he or they.

SO that much in life is positive.

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