Hi there, new to this forum but I really needed some support... I'm a female in my early thirties who has been married for five years. Before we got married my husband told me he was transgendered. It didn't bother me at the time. I've been with women in the past - it was just a phase I think as I haven't been attracted women in a long time but since he didn't want to transition I thought it would be fine. Two years into the marriage, after not mentioning it once, he starts bringing up that he wants to start hormones to see how it makes him feel. I told him I felt kind of iffy about it, as I didn't know if I would still be attracted to him as a female, since that part of my life seemed to be at an end. Still he continued, and I hated what the pills were doing to his body. He became very unattractive to me and our sex life came to a screeching halt. He'd go on the pills for a while and buy makeup brushes, then change all of his underwear to panties... then he'd tell me he was done with it and he'd spend a few days trying to convince me he was macho. Then back again to the questions, "what kind of foundation should I wear?" and that sort of thing. Back and forth, back and forth, like a yo-yo. It became exhausting and really aggravating. I wanted to be supportive and for him to live his life as he wanted, but this emotional roller coaster was getting too much for me. The trans thing again at the time was still not the problem - it was this back and forth that made me feel like he was lying to me about who he was. And it was the lying that hurt, really. I can't stand lying.

A few weeks ago he had a mtf friend who was getting married, and he wanted to go to the wedding in full female attire. That was fine with me, really. During the reception he comes up to me and says he's very uncomfortable dressed like he is and wants to leave. He says he's finally done with all this, that this was the big trial run and it failed. I told him it made perfect sense that he wasn't comfortable. He's not a drag queen - he's not comfortable being male and dressing as female. He's uncomfortable because his body doesn't match his brain. He proceeds to tell me that he's sorry for putting me through all this and that he owes me a romantic evening. I look at him dead in the face and tell him it's too late for that.

I love my husband, but he is an individual person, and I want him to live the way he desires to live. However, that doesn't mean I am required to be his lesbian partner. It makes me feel like an asshole and it makes me feel like my love was always conditional partly on his physical appearance, but I am also an individual and I am just not attracted to him this way. I need the courage to divorce, but I still love him and I'm really struggling with that. 

We had a big talk after the wedding and I told him if he was really serious about putting all of this behind him then he needed to get some professional guidance. He says he will. Then, this morning I see that he's drinking "bustea," that herbal tea that makes your boobs grow. I ask him why he's drinking it, he says he didn't realize what it was. What the hell? I'm so pissed off right now.