I love the fact that this actually takes the feelings of spouses into account, and it is nice to see an account of the transition process that is realistic about the amount of hurt we can go through because of it. However, the tone of it also seems to be transphobic at the same time, which is unfair to the transfolks that are decent, and causes the spouse experience to lose credibility.

Most of us are going through an absolutely miserable experience here. However, I have interacted with spouses of transpeople, and read accounts of the same, where the transperson transitioned kindly, taking their spouse's feelings into account. I guess we simply don't see them here because their feelings were supported adequately enough to not need this place.

What we need is impartial research done by real scientists that aren't seeking to prove one point or another.
I certainly have questions that would merit real research:

1. Is a loss of empathy, lying, selfishness many of us have seen in our spouses a part of the transition process? (People reassure me that my spouse will be kind again once HRT goes in, or the transition process is through.) Or, is this something that was there in the person before that went unnoticed?
-After all, there are folks who aren't jerks to their spouses while transitioning.
2. Is there a way for the therapists to help moderate/ eliminate these things so as to spare the spouse the pain?
3. What is the rate of PTSD or other such traumatic emotional reactions associated with this experience for spouses? I would fully believe that at least some of us end up with it. If they at least were aware that it occurs, something could be done about it.

I guess the industry collects it's fee regardless of whether the do research, so it may be a while before we see these questions answered...

CF, I certainly agree about the tone of the chapter. In fact, years ago when I first read it, I dismissed it because of the tone. It wasn't something I was going through at the time, but sadly, it has all come to pass.

I also agree about needing impartial research. However, I fear that would also come across as harsh or transphobic - at least to the LGBTQ community and its allies. Because, like you, I'm sure there are some who aren't being jerks but whose spouses are still hurting and experiencing devastating loss. To speak of that would sound like a slam to the community and these spouses would get classified as uncaring or would be told they never really loved their spouses anyway. And that is something I'd be willing to bet the mortgage on. Why? Because we have seen it over and over again. One woman who used to post here even conveyed a story in which the therapist called her abusive during a session because she slipped and referred to her spouse as "he." After over 20 years together and a habit of referring to this person in the masculine, she was criticized for slipping up and saying "he."

So, yes, I agree wholeheartedly for the need for impartial research for both the person transitioning and their spouses/partners. I just don't see it being well received.

As to the PTSD, I have been reading a lot about "Betrayal Trauma." From what I have read, it seems to accurately describe what some of us are experiencing. It is used most commonly to describe the reaction women have who discover their husbands are sex or porn addicts.

In fact, it so closely resembled my experience that I reached out to one of the groups that specialize in this to see if they thought their treatment program could help me even though I am not dealing with a sex or porn addicted spouse. I didn't want to automatically sign up and spend the $$ if it wouldn't help because money is tight now that my spouse has decided not to fully support us.

This is more than just a bad breakup. It is more than just grieving the loss of a loved one or of my marriage. I did go through that. However, I would be going along just fine and enjoying life and something would happen that would send me spiraling right back to where I was 4 years ago when I first found out, and I'd get upset and confused because I was past all that and I was over my spouse, but I would find myself right back where I had started like I had made no progress. I now know I have triggers, and I am learning how to handle them, so those episodes no longer last for days or weeks on end like they used to. So, yes, I absolutely believe that, for some of us, this is trauma and not merely grief or even co-dependency which I have also heard this described as.

Anyway, I could go on, but I will stop here.

Bottom line.... I agree with you on all counts, but it is nice to see something out there that fairly closely describes my experience.

I can relate to very much of what I read in the preview. I hoped to get it on audible, but it isn't available.

And yeah 1newstart: it is lovely to see our experience taken seriously, rather than being seen as mere phobia or control issues. I spoke to a friend of the family that's a psychiatrist who has worked with trans children before. He was saying that I shouldn't expect the personality to go back to the way it was. It's not going to happen. If I think logically about this- the transition process and therapy all by itself is going to change a person. The lucky spouses get a transspouse with an improved personality, while some spouses end up with a spouse they are just not compatible with.

I need therapy. Waiting on some names for a decent therapist from that psychiatrist friend of the family.

Wow there are so many points that really resonate with my experience.

- 'Cross-dressers who are exposed to transgender activism through the online transgender community are likely to develop the desire to go further than would have once been the case.'. Yes, exactly that. My husband only decided he had gender dysphoria after spending hours and hours online. Before that he would cross-dress occassionally (often when stressed and it was a good release for him), whereas now it's all the time if there is just the two of us.

- 'One significant source of harm to wives is the self-centredness of transgenders. Wives and partners suffer because the transgenders behave as if only their quest has importance, and do not take the distress they are causing seriously, or are puzzled by it.'. Again, this is so true. My husband won't come out to others (apart from me and the therapist) because of the distress it might cause them. But my distress is not even acknowledged; in fact he told me at his therapist session last week he told her that I was 'used to it' - I've never been asked. There's an enormous difference between accepting that something happens and being happy about it (I mean, I accept I need to pay my taxes but....).

- 'The self-centredness of male-bodied transgenders and their lack of empathy are reflected in the way that they choose to ‘come out’ to their wives. The majority of women interviewed by Erhardt did not know about their partner’s cross-dressing when they married.'. I had no idea at all until several years later and by then I felt trapped. We had a mortgage to pay and a family to raise.

- 'The tactic of appearing ‘dressed’ before an unsuspecting and severely shocked partner seems, from numerous accounts by wives, to be common.'. Yes, yes, yes. We'd been together for a few years and I got into bed to find him in one of my negligees and full make up. He assumed I'd be really turned on by this and was himself very aroused - I burst into tears and ran from the room. It was very traumatic for me, and ever since we had an unwritten rule about no sex while he was 'her', and I've only ever given in once.

1newstart, the more I have thought about it the more I think it is like PTSD. I was raped at 17, and the way I was ambushed the first time with his cross-dressing actually made me feel the same now that I look back.

Most of the time I can deal with the situation as his personality is pretty much the same and it's just him in a different form, but there are times when it just eats me up inside. But then I remind myself that there are so many people worse off than me, and I just suck it up.