Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
after 20 years of marriage, my spouse came out to me as a crossdresser. within two years, my spouse came out as transgender. this occurred about 9 years ago.
we are still married though I think of my spouse as just a roommate. my spouse is not my friend; we are unable to discuss any of our emotional issues so we just don't talk. I am older and cannot even fathom a divorce at this time in my life.
I would like to talk about my feelings. I would like to share more than tactical scheduling for social engagements or laundry and cooking division and grocery lists. I would like to share my dreams and my ideas and my thoughts. when I have tried to do that, it just ends up in a fight. so.
so I am writing here to open the door to talk about my feelings if that is acceptable for this site.
I am supportive of my spouse's needs, accepting all kinds of expenses that I never spent in our marriage. I travel to a lot of meetings and dinners and lunches, host dinners, befriended like couples. but the transition, though really only a superficial one as surgery is not an option for medical reasons, has completely changed our relationship.
I suppose that if it had it been a less than intimate friend or family member, a transition would have had far less impact on me. As a heterosexual cis person, the transition of my spouse hit me at my core. I am supportive and accepting but I am in no way jumping up and down and saying "yippee!!" This is not what I signed up for. And I think that reticence is what is the issue between us. My spouse has said to me that I am no longer in love. But I am giving back precisely what I have gotten. I stopped giving more a long time ago when I didn't receive any response.
so I suppose I am just profoundly lonely. I have loads of great other things in my life that I am giving to: my children and grandchildren and a great career and fun hobbies. I would just like to have someone with whom I can share.
thanks for listening.
we are still married though I think of my spouse as just a roommate. my spouse is not my friend; we are unable to discuss any of our emotional issues so we just don't talk. I am older and cannot even fathom a divorce at this time in my life.
I would like to talk about my feelings. I would like to share more than tactical scheduling for social engagements or laundry and cooking division and grocery lists. I would like to share my dreams and my ideas and my thoughts. when I have tried to do that, it just ends up in a fight. so.
so I am writing here to open the door to talk about my feelings if that is acceptable for this site.
I am supportive of my spouse's needs, accepting all kinds of expenses that I never spent in our marriage. I travel to a lot of meetings and dinners and lunches, host dinners, befriended like couples. but the transition, though really only a superficial one as surgery is not an option for medical reasons, has completely changed our relationship.
I suppose that if it had it been a less than intimate friend or family member, a transition would have had far less impact on me. As a heterosexual cis person, the transition of my spouse hit me at my core. I am supportive and accepting but I am in no way jumping up and down and saying "yippee!!" This is not what I signed up for. And I think that reticence is what is the issue between us. My spouse has said to me that I am no longer in love. But I am giving back precisely what I have gotten. I stopped giving more a long time ago when I didn't receive any response.
so I suppose I am just profoundly lonely. I have loads of great other things in my life that I am giving to: my children and grandchildren and a great career and fun hobbies. I would just like to have someone with whom I can share.
thanks for listening.
Welcome to the forum! Of course you can talk about your feelings here...that is what we're here for! I think that this what-ever-it-is (compulsion? addiction? fetish? true self?) is so isolating for spouses. For me, the last person I would trust with my real feelings was my ex...We used to talk, before this took over his life, and it would all be turned back on me, like I was defective and wrong for feeling the way I felt about - well, everything! So the isolation that a wife feels, the lack of connectedness, eventually becomes a way of life. By the time I left, I was completely shut down...which is no way to live!
Hopefully, other women will chime in. I do wish that something like this existed when I was still in my marriage (decades ago). I felt so alone, my life was so different from what I thought it was, and I felt that, even if I did talk to other people, there was no way that they could possibly understand.
Hang in there momadoc. Talk away! Feelings are so important, and they shouldn't have to be defended or hidden. Our feelings make us who we are.
I feel so many of the same things you wrote about.
I am 24 years in to a marriage but, for me, I'm at the beginning of this journey. My spouse just told me he was a woman trapped in a man's body on My 45th birthday ... 2 months ago. In the two months since, he has turned in to an entirely different person.
He keeps saying he wants me to be there WITH him through all this as his 'wife', but we sleep in the same bed (at his insistence), but as friends would.
EVERYTHING is now all about him/her.
I feel like the last 24 years were a shame. I can't believe anything he says anymore.
He expects me to be happy about all this.
I am definately depressed, and VERY alone.
While I work, and have a good job, he makes the bulk of the income and our bills reflect that status.
I have NO idea how i "should be" feeling.
I have a counselor that's supportive, but thinks it should be easy for me to just walk away and start a new life.
I find myself learning to be an academy award winning actress ... outwardly acting as if all is well (this keeps things relatively non confrontational).
Tell me how you have managed to stay in your relationship for 9 years?
I am trying to be supportive of this person i have loved for almost a quarter of a century. And, like you, if it were anyone else, I would be at the ready to help them in any way possible. But this is/was my life.
I have no idea what to do, where to go or how to deal with the rushing, constantly changing crazy, all encompassing feelings that overcome me.
I too feel ... so alone.
Has it gotten better or worse for you in the past nine years?
I admire you for your strength.
Talk as much as you want ... about anything and everything. I'll be here.
Your name says it all. The first step that worked for me was recognizing that my spouse did not define me. I am and was me all along. What my spouse chooses or says or does or doesn't do has nothing to do with me. His(her) choices do not change any part of who I am. Not one whit. I am me. And I get to decide completely who I am and who I will be and how I will react and what I want and what I will accept and what I will not. That has been my empowerment.
You stated that your spouse has been the breadwinner. How good will that be when your spouse comes out at work? I know there are discrimination laws but either employees slink quietly away or famously and notoriously fight the discrimination.
Before any of that happens have you thought about preparing for your own way in the world?
I am rooting for you and your kids !