Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
First I want to express my gratitude in finding this group. Reading the older posts have given me hope that I can get through this. My situation is a bit complex. It is my second husband who has come out to me that he thinks he is a woman. Luckily he and I have no children together, but I do have a child from my first marriage with a father figure who does not deserve the title. Unfortunately, I'm concerned I may be facing two court battles: Divorcing the shell of a man that thinks he is a woman and a child custody battle. I'm knocking on wood, and this is not a challenge to the universe, but I feel I'm very close to hitting rock bottom. I'm disgusted with my current husband. The shaving, the voice manipulation, the experimentation, just repulsive. And it's a shame because I felt we were so good together and he was an awesome step father for my son, who's biological dad is too caught up in drama with his new family to be present in his son's life.
I do have a question for those of you who have dealt with this transition from a spouse. Did he/she think they were the same person? My husband has tried to convince me that he is the same person and will continue to be the same person, and I think it is a load of crap. He talks about how he will still like to read , still like to play video games and spend time with me. I tried to explain that if I had met a girl who had those interests, nothing romantic would come of it, ever. He says he understands, but I truly do not think he realizes how against this I am. The only way I can wrap my thoughts around this is to assume they're after two different people: My husband that I fell in love with and this alter ego that is apparently a woman. I am really holding back here, as I hold a great deal of anger toward my husband, along with the usual feelings of distrust and betrayal.
I'm not ready to delve further, especially with this being a public forum. But I would be appreciative if someone who has gone through this could reach out to me sometime. I'm at the beginning of a long, hard road, and would like to know I'm not alone.
Thanks,
Ponygirl
I do have a question for those of you who have dealt with this transition from a spouse. Did he/she think they were the same person? My husband has tried to convince me that he is the same person and will continue to be the same person, and I think it is a load of crap. He talks about how he will still like to read , still like to play video games and spend time with me. I tried to explain that if I had met a girl who had those interests, nothing romantic would come of it, ever. He says he understands, but I truly do not think he realizes how against this I am. The only way I can wrap my thoughts around this is to assume they're after two different people: My husband that I fell in love with and this alter ego that is apparently a woman. I am really holding back here, as I hold a great deal of anger toward my husband, along with the usual feelings of distrust and betrayal.
I'm not ready to delve further, especially with this being a public forum. But I would be appreciative if someone who has gone through this could reach out to me sometime. I'm at the beginning of a long, hard road, and would like to know I'm not alone.
Thanks,
Ponygirl
I am going through the same situation but I have children. Mu husband of 23 years came out last fall and said that he is really a woman and is going to live that way. I was hoping he would transition slow enough so we could get through the divorce and I could get on my own, but nope. He is going as fast as he can. I came home today and was surprised (rather shocked) that he had gotten hair extensions. I can't get out of this relationship fast enough but unfortunately we have to wait until the house sells until we can live apart because we cannot afford 2 places. My husband used to try to tell me that he was the same peron so whats the big deal. He is not the same person at all. I feel like my husband has died and I kknow he will never return. He has been on hormones since December and has gone through laser hair removal. I feel betrayed that I stuck it out through thick and thin with him. I raised his 2 kids from a previous marriage and our 2. You are not alone, I feel like I am a lot too. I've tried to be good to him through this but he is just moving too fast and not considerinng my feelings. I am just so angry. I don't know if this has helped a lot because I am not through this and still also have a long road but do know I will be better off once I am through this.
I am so sorry for your loss. And it is a loss. No matter how much your spouse tells you that s(he) is the same person. S(he) is not. "They" may like the same things and think in much the same way but the cold hard truth is that she is a woman and not a man.
I have been married for 28 years. My spouse came out to me almost 10 years ago. It was right before one daughter's wedding and right after the birth of my first grandchild. Yes, I have stayed married. Not out of any great love for my spouse but because I knew I would never ever trust enough again to seek another relationship. I care for my spouse but there is no intimacy in our relationship. We are polite, cordial even, but love? No. There is certainly no romance. I only see someone in whom I am not interested any longer.
Why not leave? I am a grandmother. I would lose half of my assets. I would be twice divorced. I am not interested in going through a dating scene. Yuck!
I didn't leave when it first happened because I did not want to taint my daughter's wedding. After that, I didn't have the personal strength to go it alone. Then I felt, why bother? The final thought and this one stays with me is why give up half of my assets when I will likely outlive my spouse?
Okay, so now that I have all of my anger and rancor out, I can open the door to say at least that I do believe that transgenderism is not a choice. It is just who they are. I will also say that I would defend to the death a person's right to be who they are. It would have been easier for me if it was my brother or my father or a friend. To have my spouse be transgendered, is really not conducive to marriage. Had I known, I would never have married. For 20 years of my marriage, we fought, not about money, but about how he treated me. I went through a lot of needless pain. I now understand that s(he) resented my femininity, my role in life. My spouse cannot admit this even now. But I know. S(He) was jealous of my clothes, my make up, my hairstyles, my dancing, my friends. When I would arrive dressed to the nines, s(he) would say nothing to me but "Are you ready?" Talk about deflating.
So now I am good to me. I have a great career where I am respected. I have lots of grandchildren who call the day before I arrive "Grandma Eve", my grandson thinks I am the "coolest grandma ever". They text me and email me and call me and write me. I have the love and respect of my daughters, one of whom is my stepdaughter.
I am sometimes lonely. But I was lonely at times before s(he) came out to me. And I have been lonely before I even met my spouse. None of that would change if I leave. So I stayed.
Focus on you, Ponygirl. You are your greatest effort, your greatest asset and your greatest resource. Whether you stay or go, you will always reap returns from the investment in yourself.
My spouse cam out to me 2 months ago.
S(he) says the exact same things - s(he) will always be the same person with the same interests ... just in a 'different wrapping."
The experimentation has already started. Growing out hair and nails, shaving everywhere else, wearing lingerie and wearing women's leggings and yoga pants. S(he)'s started feminizing his/her voice and speech (i especially hate "chow" and "ta-ta").
The person I married 24 years ago is already gone.
I am a 'second thought' in everything. "Our" world has become all about him.
He has not started hormones yet, but I'm sure it won't be long.
I have older children, but it's not any easier for them. They feel torn on who to support and helpless on how to try and do that.
This whole life-altering revelation has been horrifyingly life-altering for everyone but him/her ... and s(he) could care less.
I feel like I "should" be fighting against my feelings of anger, distrust and betrayal... for the "good of all involved." But I'm having such a hard time with this. I don't even know what's real anymore.
Ponygirl11, you sound like a wonderfully strong woman with a good head on her shoulders. What wonderful assets to have.
I will be interested to hear how things progress for you, as this happened to us at about the same time.
Hang in there
1learning - thank you for telling your story and for your kind words. It does sound like we are at a similar stage in this process, and I'm happy to have this forum to fall back on. I cannot believe how fast this process can go. It seems like my situation went from dormant to look at me all at once. It took one weekend in the middle of April for him to realize he likes to wear women's clothing. Then he went to one meeting of a trans support group. Tonight was his second time attending, and his first time trying to pass in public as a woman at this meeting. So over the course of a month we went from experimenting to trying to pass as the opposite gender. I'll still young, late 20's, and he just turned 31 this year, so parents are still a somewhat big deal for me. He has told no one in his family and this bothers me. All of his family lives out of state, so it would be easy for him to create this new him and have no one ever know in his family. I truly believe he would be fine to live a lie to his family, and that is a shame. He keeps telling me he is not sure he wants to transition, but in looking at his actions, I don't believe his words. I have told him I think he has made his decision and he doesn't want to tell me because he doesn't want to face the consequences of me leaving. He knows I want nothing to do with this lifestyle. He even tried to convince me that he could essentially lead a double life, as a husband at home but then as a woman sometimes, if he feels the need. Not what I signed up for!
Hang in there spouses!
Ponygirl
I just saw your response and the others. I didn't get any notifications so I did not know there were any responses. I'm glad to see some activity in this group! You mentioned honesty, and I don't get any honesty anymore. He/she hides everything , is always going out and not telling me where he/she is going and just acting like a juvenile and he is 47 years old. Like I said, he got a hair weave and his hair is half way down his back and he wears suggestive clothing- always has to show his pink bra and wears heavy makeup. I can't even look at him/her anymore. It is just too hurtful to constantly be reminded of who I lost or who was taken away from me. I could go on and on about my feelings about this... it's just so hard.....
I know your pain. It is something that is ridiculously hard to explain to women who have not coped with this. The dismissal of the partner's pain in this mess is atrocious. He is NOT the same person. Actually - he probably IS - but he hid that person from you, as did my ex, deliberately. Stay strong, you can do this!
My ex told my 21 year old daughter, then 18 that he was still the same person. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, how can he say that? So, you are not alone with that bs line...I truly believe that comes directly from the mouths of these therapists who are taking already fragile and completely messed up individuals and leading them in this direction. My ex had a lot of emotional and social problems...still does. It used to drive me crazy that he was so insecure that he could be easily swayed by anyone....I used to quote my Dad, God rest his soul, that an Arab standing in the middle of the desert could sell him a bucket of sand(I mean that with no disrespect, it's just the perfect metaphor). When we started the whole divorce thing, I agreed to go with him to his therapist...he had been seeing one since I discovered the cross dressing ten years prior(remember that....10 years of therapy at this point...also for his depression. This was his second therapist because after seven years with the same one...who knows if he even went...he lied so much....I asked him to change therapists because she obviously wasn't helping. So the new therapist, keep in mind has been treating him for two years at the point that the story continues....). I went with him to talk about his inability to connect with my two girls...at this point 15 and 13. It was not marriage counseling, I made that perfectly clear. it was to give the therapist a clear understanding of how strained their relationships were and ways to maybe help my ex to understand because every time I tried to talk to him he'd get defensive. After about 15 minutes and the endless circle of nonsense coming from his mouth, I asked him point blank why we were getting a divorce. Almost mechanically like he had memorized it, he replied while shaking his head" Because I don't fulfill your needs." I responded, "No, it' s because you are a cross dresser." I swear hand to God, the therapist who has heard everything and is supposed to have a poker face, dropped his jaw. After two years of therapy my ex never mentioned the fact that he had been cross dressing since he was 11, used his constant business trips as a means to "be himself" while I changed diapers and cleaned up puke, was supposed to be in therapy with him and the seven years prior with the other therapist to deal with the cross dressing and the fact that I only agreed to continue with the marriage if he stopped and saw a therapist(13 years ago when I found out no therapist around dealt with it. The one I went to told me she researched it and talked to colleagues and they concluded cross dressing was just a fetish and only an extremely small amount of them were gay. That's what I was concerned about. At the age of 41 that was what I was concerned about...transgendering wasn't on the charts...except for that tennis player back in the late 1970's Rene something. So the whole time he had been seeking help was a lie. My point is that my ex lied to me, his children, his two therapists and the world for the past 26 years....why would he stop now? That day the therapist looked at me and said almost as if he were trying to change my mind about the divorce that he was afraid if I left him, my ex would sink into an abyss. I told him, and I don't know where I finally got the strength, maybe it was the fact that he was lying to the one person he paid to listen to the truth, that It was not my purpose in life to be miserably unhappy just so he wouldn't be alone. I truly believe the therapist suggested he join group therapy and I truly believe that someone convinced him through group therapy and ultimately his therapist that he has always been a woman and that transgendering would change his life for the better...ergo the bucket of sand allusion.
He is not the same person. He never was the person you thought he was. I talked to a counsellor who dealt with transgendered and when I described my ex 's background...from an extremely religious family, bullied, socially inept, ex Marine...he said my ex was a homophobic homosexual. It was so ingrained in him that homosexuality is wrong that he multilated his body in order to justify his attraction to men. It is so twisted on so many levels but after thinking about it for a long time, it made perfect sense to me...the memories started flooding back and I finally was able to connect the dots.
As you can see I'm still pretty angry. But today my anger isn't with my ex, it's with the rest of the world. I woke up to the cover of Vanity Fair on Facebook this morning. I am angry that the world doesn't see our pain or applaud our triumphs, like just getting out of bed. I've had 2 1/2 years to deal with his transgendering and 12 1/2 years to deal with his cross dressing and instead of focusing on the wonderful man who has stepped into my life, saved it really, and brought with him two doting grandparents for my children, I am confronted with Bruce Jenner, the Hero...so today like many days recently I am dealing with flashbacks of when we were married, and the wonderful things he said, and how he romanced me and wanted everything I wanted out of life, and this is the hardest part, no pun intended but the almost nightmare flashes I get of sex with him...and I finally figured it out...it's kind of like a post traumatic syndrome. I go through my day and out of no where the pain and memories make me sick to my stomach and I start to question everything. Not only do I have to deal with my children's emotional adjustments, my insecurities, the townspeople, neighbors, parents, teachers, administrators, the whole freakin town because he parades around and everyone knows it even the congregation because he would take my son to Church in drag, but I have to deal with the disgust, the memories. I am a hero because I get out of bed in the morning. You are a hero because you have the strength to reach out to this site. We are the heroes and so are our kids. Where are our magazine covers....there aren't any because many of us are so ashamed we haven't even told our best friends...Been there...hid from the world for a long time...still avoid a lot of social situations.
Don't let him or anyone else ever make you feel bad about how you feel about him and what he has done. You owe him nothing because he is not the person he pretended to be. You don 't wake up one morning and decide to change your sex. It is a lifetime of lies and manipulation and secrets and as I believe in my case, living a double life. For sickness and in health doesn't cover this. Don't fall into that trap of emotional abuse. Take care of yourself. Be happy. And I apologize for my tone, my ranting and my general attitude if it offends anyone. I am generally a loving, caring, understanding, what ever floats you boat kind of person...but only if you don't hurt anyone else...my ex hurt not only me and my children but everyone he forced his new life style on...the friends of my children, some as young as 8 who had questions, their parents who were forced to bring our lives to their family discussion...ugh...the casualties of all this heroism just makes me sick.
I am so sorry for what you have been through.
Your spouse sounds like a very troubled soul while you have been holding down the fort of your family.
You are a hero. I would like you to think of yourself always that way.
Your spouse does not define YOU in any way.
One of the poems that helped me get through a lot of the same angst was the poem IF...
Googling it will print the entire poem. It is written for a father to his son and I of course mentally change the gender to apply to a mother to her daughter. Semantics all right?
We are all here for you.
Momadoc
I too am experiencing and have experienced the years of lying-first started out as cross dressing and then he promised to put it away for me, and did for years, and now after I raised 2 of his kids from a former marriage and 2 of our own (our youngest is 10) he decides he needs tobe a woman. He made the transition before we could even get our house sold and divorced. I still sit in the same house as this person waiting to move on with my life. It is hard to see him/her make all these changes like its no big deal. No, just 23 years of marriage down the drain. I am very angry and feel used, I thought we were soul mates and that he would always do anything for me, now he will not do anything for me including slowing this down. He made a point of telling everyone-he had the nerve to tell my friends behind my back which was devastating because this is something I hid for years. Now everyone and their mother knows. I have to be so humble- all the neighbors see him out in his female garb and hair extensions-it is really embarrassing. I also hate how the world and everyone else is taking such a stand for this transgender issue and there is nothing for the people left behind. I even had a friend that friended his new female facebook page because she didn't want to be a bully-I have lose a few friends over this, I cant be friends with people that that are friends with him and transgender or not, my friends should support me not him because it is the PC thing to do. He is a member of a transgender group and now has a huge social life while I sit at home most of the time-doesn't seem fair. He says he is so much happier now.. that really hurts because what about me and our life we were supposed to have??
I was reflecting today and it occurred to me that even though he has been increasing the number of people he is telling about his mental illness, not one of them has had the courtesy to reach out to me and ask how I'm doing. Part of me is offended, as I thought some of these people were mutual friends. But you really find out who your friends are when SHTF I guess.
So he went down to visit his parents this weekend and come clean with them. I hope he is telling them the truth. The best (sarcastic) part of my day today was when he texted me to say one of our former female mutual friends is interested in having a same clothing item he has, complete with an angel smile icon. I wanted to vomit. I responded, telling him I didn't think this was meant for me and he turned kind of drama queen with me, saying he wanted to die for sending it to me. Needless to say, I have heard nothing from him since.
We had an interesting conversation a few days ago, the longest we have talked in a while. This man keeps telling me he doesn't know if he wants to live as a woman. Then as he is talking, he mentions having to put himself in a box figuratively anytime he is around me or at the house. He doesn't feel free to be himself. How is that not a blatant indication that he has made up his mind? By requesting he be the man I feel in love with, he has to confirm and feels he can't be himself. Maybe he should have been honest with himself earlier in life, and he wouldn't feel to be now.
Sick of feeling like the bad person here because I don't support his delusion.