Hi Ella.
I'm so glad you found us. You will be supported through this...no worries.
A few first impressions of your post. First, let me say you are correct and justified in your anger and frustration and you are way ahead of the norm realizing that the only way you will truly be happy and able to live your life with someone who loves you enough to be truthful and honest and respectful is to get a divorce and move on. Without sounding harsh, I think the manner in which you should confront your husband with his lies is by having divorce papers delivered to him. If you try to talk and reason with him or beg etc...he will turn the argument around and blame you for not really loving him and for destroying the marriage. There are many posts on this site that discuss the emotional abuse we are forced to endure.
You say it started a few months ago...well, maybe you discovering it was a few months ago, but no man starts cross dressing as a mid life crisis. He has been doing this since he was a teenager. No one wakes up one morning and decides to cross dress. As far as being manly, my ex was a Marine. He had something to prove...kinda like the macho jerk in high school who comes out in college. As far as your therapist is concerned...dump him or her...they don't know what they're talking about when it comes to cd and trans. They base their observations and conclusions on sessions with men who are inherently deceitful. My therapist told me 15 years ago that it was just CD and a fetish and that he wasn't gay and not to worry about it because now that's it was put in the open we could deal. My ex promised he'd stop but he just got better at hiding it and lying about it. My therapist also said he was either neglected by his mom or sexually abused as a child. He vehemently denies both. Frankly, I don't care. I was molested as a child...didn't resort to dressing as a man to cope.
Get out while you can before he bankrupts you financially and emotionally. It's really not that hard once you put yourself and your children(if you have any now or want any in the future) first. In sickness and in health does not cover this. I prefer to believe my 20 year marriage did not exist because the man I married lied to me from day the day we met. In the business world, I think that would be fraud. He continued to cd after I caught him and agreed to stop...breach of contract...and he stole my clothes and makeup...I could go on but the bottom line is we are not put here on this earth to sacrifice our own lives, happiness and identity in order to insure that someone else is not alone.
Someday, when the politically correct move on to their next cause, we will see the fall out from this. When suicide rates spike again and re assignment surgery is covered by insurance, we can sit back and look at our new partners and our children and be happy and thankful that we got out while the gettin was good.
Gina

Wow...I accidentally used my real name...lol. Well, I guess I have gotten to that point where I'm not ashamed anymore. I guess I'm just angry enough at having society shove transgenders down our throats...and our children's throats to want to speak out without the anonymity that this site offers. At first I hid from friends and family but in his zeal to be the poster boy for transgenders(he is the Naval Academy rep at my son's high school...in full drag and there's not thing one the Naval Academy can do about it)I have slowly started to voice my opposition openly and proudly. There are no forums for us except for these types of blogs and only those of us who live this are here. Maybe it's time for the spouses of transgenders to come out of the shadows and expose this for what it really is.

Hi Ella,
Welcome to the group. I was married 21 years when my husband started his transition (exactly a year ago). He now has been on hormone therapy for a year and lives as a woman full-time. He even got his legal name and gender change done through the courts and we are still technically married. We are going to get a divorce but are waiting for the house to sell which has been on the market since last April. I am literally stuck in my crappy situation and cannot move on until it sells. I have to say that I went through all the shock and anger and grieving. I always felt my husband was the love of my life and that we were sole mates. I can tell you, it does get better-there is a lot to work through but you can come through on the other side. I have now accepted this and am looking forward to future possibilities. I am actually glad he did this because it is what I needed to get out. I no longer miss my husband- he is gone for good and I cannot respect what he did to me so have bad feelings towards him and I certainly do not like "her". I think that piece makes it easier to want to move on. If I were you, I would get all your bank statements together proving his purchases and confront him. I would find his stash of stuff and have it out on the counter or somewhere so he know you know and he cannot lie!

Thank you both so much! I think I really needed to hear what you both had to say. When you're in the thick of it you feel so consumed by all the negativity and emotions you feel like your suffocating and drowning. You want to drown! You want THEM to drown lol! Knowing there are those of you who are on the other side of it and "ok" (and I use that term VERY loosely) gives me so much hope and also lights a passion inside me to fight. I have always been a fighter and I refuse to let this destroy me! May I ask you both how did you go about telling family and friends? I know this will end in divorce, I know that much is certain. I will not let him kicks ms scream and cry to stay or feed me lies, my mother raised me better then that. I don't need a man to define me and I won't let him suck me back in. No amount of begging or rationalizing or lying that he'll only do it when I'm gone will make it ok in my mind. I've seen the pill bottles he's hidden. He hasn't seen his parents in months because he very recently waxed his brows and had electrolysis to remove ALL his body hair... ALL of it! At his point it's actually bullshit! I confronted him while he was changing (I can't bring myself to even fake intimacy with him, he now disgusts me as pig headed as that sounds, it makes me nauseous to know he is defiling a beautiful body he was born with and I had grown to love so much) and he claimed it was just too scratchy and he wanted a change. I feel so ashamed at what people will think? I feel some weird sense of loyalty to keep his secret and not "out" him but if he's looking into reassignment they'll know eventually. I feel like I'm planning a divorce and a funeral of sorts all so rapidly as I slowly lose my husband more and more and STILL, no admission that he even is exploring his feminine side. Schroeder I agree without harshness in confronting him. I came home today to a thank you note in my mail box to Anastasia from a locally owed high end boutique that carries high end bras, panties, bustiers and body shapers thanking Stasia for her $600 purchase she made last week and it was a pleasure fitting her.... Are you f'ing kidding me? He's already picked out his new name? And spending our hard earned money on bullshit I'd never buy for myself and again the last high end makeup purchases I discovered. So not only has he become a snotty, bitchy shadow of who he once was he's a high end snob that is too good for anything from the drugstore or Victoria Secret?!? And again I'm filled with so much anger that is escalating to resent and mild hate :( I have an appointment next week with my bank to separate some accounts so he don't bankrupt me with his contact spoiling of himself, something he hasn't done of me in ages.... I have contacted a top divorce attorney who is booked for 2 and a half weeks, but it's a plan. And it's a dissision. How did you both keep your pride and let others know what you were going through? That you're not some heartless bitch deserting your husband but a poor defeated wife who has done everything to save a marriage and life that is being ripped out from under you?

So much stuff that you have said rings true with me. Like I said my husband is living full time-has been on hormones (injectables) for a year, had laser hair removal, legally changed his name and gender with the courts, has spent all our money on his new wardrobe even when I tell "her" month after month that we dont have the money. "she" is the biggest emotional snobby bitch ever and I have to see her everyday in her high heels and crap-it makes me sick. THe only reason we are still married and living together cuz my house wot sell. It is so hard. I have an attorney but have waited to file for the divorce cuz I want to buy a townhouse and you cant get a mortgage if you are going through a divorce so plan is sell house, buy townhouse, get divorced. Plan is not going as fast as I want and it is very depressing. Anyway... about telling friends.... we had mutual friends that were really my friends that he told before he told me. I was devastated when I found out and broke off alot of friendships because of it. My mom is not living but I told my dad in one night of desperation....I was balling my brains out and felt so alone but needed someone to talk to.. I called in tears and said I am coming over and I just got in the door and let it loose. I was so ashamed and didnt want to tell anyone... I felt like it was a reflection of me somehow.. As the year has gone on I have told more people as they have found out about the divorce. There are still some family that know that Im getting divorced but dont know why. It has gotten easier to tell people. I have been so humled that I really dont care anymore. Its good that you are doing things and planning things that should help you feel more in control. Things will get better... hurt will fade and you will be happier on the other side. I am staring to see that. Its all the crap that my husband has done that has made it easier to get past him and not care anymore. How can I still love someone that would do this to me? I cant and I see that now.

I divorced him before he announced his transgendering so I only had to keep the cross dressing to myself. I told everyone I was unhappy and that his depression was hurting the children...it was true but not the real reason for the divorce. Mostly, I retreated from everyone. When he started to trans it became evident and there was no hiding it. Again, I became more reclusive and little by little I confided in my closest friends. The more I did the more I realized that they supported me and their anger towards what he was doing to my kids have me the strength to move on. It is humiliating. The looks I get in public from the school bitches and the looks I get from the compassionate ones are there every day. Luckily for you.Bruce Jenner has made this an open topic and the more the trans rights people shove it down our throats the more people are willing to support the opposition. There are more people against this pc crap then you think...most are just too afraid to speak up. Again, I was lucky because I was divorced before he revealed and I used his secrecy about he CD to get him to sign a sweet heart deal. He continues to pay for the mortgage on the house until my son graduates from college...two and half more years. Had he gone through the transgendering before the divorce, I'd be where you are now because he has the LGBT rights people to pump him up. Three years ago, no one was talking about this stuff. Tell your friends and get the support you need. They love you. They might pity him but they definitely will not understand him.

Schroeder, I can see myself sharing your situation fairly soon. We have a house together that will need to be sold, unless I just walk away from it all? A lawyer can help me decide that I suppose. Again my husband STILL won't admit a thing so I am slowly building my case for a confrontation. I have seen the makeup, clothes, wigs, looked into our banking and complied the huge (and I mean huge that spoiled f'ing jerk!) purchases of clothes, high end makeup and, fancy lacey accessories, the waxing/electrolysis and so on. We have a family plan for our phones and the idiot forget that means we share an iTunes and iCloud account so over the last month or so the photographic evidence has started to appear. At 1st I just thought it was cross dressing but now it's clear it's much more then that. Obviously finding the hidden prescriptions were like a huge punch in the gut but finding photos from his support group of him and other woman's husbands all "dolled up" just makes me sick and makes it very clear him and these others think this is an ok way to treat your nearest and dearest and they support each other in heir delusions and sickness. Again I hate t even make that statement as I cannot honestly say if this is something one is born with it a mental illness but to me you have to have something mentally askew internally if you him it is ok to treat someone this way?!? If you can take a person who gives you their whole life, invents their love, time, energy, money, efforts into making you their world and you can just take that like its nothing! Not just nothing but more then nothing! He's willingly destroying my life! That's sick? And I think that entitles me to some negativity right now and some bitchy comments of my own! I confused in my best friend tonight. She was floored to say the least as like I said perviously, he's just always been viewed as the manly man. He fixes things around our house and others, has the manly job and manly hobbies and interest. He's really make a an awful woman! Also her husband is fired a with him. She will keep my secret and not tell her husband and the support felt amazing! Just to unload that and have someone not pity me but say hey we're going to at you out of this! You're not staying! Because up until I realized her considered himself trans I considered staying. I actually would have suffered through the cross dressing and buried my head in the sand and for what? He wouldn't do the same for me? I can just picture the bitch fit he's going to have when I finally say I'm leaving! That's what he's becoming day by day, a bitch! Only conceded with himself and his needed and his journey. It's humiliating and in so scared to tell other once the split finally comes. Did either of you communicate with your spouses family about this? I adore his parents and they adore me. They've said before if we ever divorce they want to keep me and be done with him. They know something's off with him lately but his job takes him away a lot they thought he was just getting depressed about being away from home and I promised them both i'd get him to therapy. And I did! So I feel like this is my fault. I pushed him and pushed him! I went to his Dr and begged him to push him into and set him up with councillors. His Dr did and his first fucking appointment with a counsellor they referred him to the gender specialist and his 1st appointment with the gender specialist they wrote him a fuckinf prediction?? Does this sound right? I think it's sick and so wrong! Where is the metal evaluation? They don't know him! They set know what a drama queen he's been since a child that he always stretches the truth and turns Hingis on others to avoid blame on himself. Those qualities alone make me know he's mentally not in he best place so should they not maybe make him do at least 6 months of counclling before okaying him medication that will alter his whole life and body? Is that not such a big change that warrants more then a 20 minute conversation? Oh he says he wants to be a girl so let's just let him? I wanted to be a princess as a child and no one ever gave me that luxury lol. Maybe it's just the negativity seeping into my brain but I just question the Drs in this situation. What if he changes and then regrets it and offs himself? Who's responsible then? I went so far as to reach out to a transgender person I know of through a charity event I went to and we've spoken in confidence a few turns and even THEY agree with me. She (used to be a he) said he had to attend counclling for a year before they would even entertain the idea of hormones and had to do hormones for almost 2yrs before they'd out they're ok on surgery. She said there was much evaluation, none of which my husband has had. Honestly I don't even care because all of that I now see was my pathetic attempt to try and keep him. I just wanted them to tell me why wouldn't let him do this so he was still mine, but why? So I can have another year or lies just to have he same end I know is coming? This just isn't fair. For me or for either of you.....

My ex lied to his therapist about the Cd and it wasn't until I attended one of his sessions that the truth came out. I suspect the therapist hooked him up with a support group and that is why he went full throttle into the trans thing. Everything you feel is normal and justifiable. Your marriage is over. Sadly, it was over before it started because this is something he has always wanted. It's just easier now thanks to the PC patrol. I have one piece of advice as someone who went through the pain of discovering the hidden expenses etc...from this moment on until the paperwork is signed start to HIDE money for yourself. I did for my children. Every time I went to shop rite I bought a gift card at checkout. Every time I took cash from the ATM I took a little extra and socked it away. By the time the divorce was finalized I had a few thousand in gift cards...I was able to feed my kids for almost a year without having to worry. And if you do have kids and expenses and live in the state of NJ you do need to worry. The state messed up the child support paperwork three times and it was almost six months before any money was automatically taken from his pay check...yes...make sure you go through the courts to have any support taken directly from his pay. He went ballistic when he found out I wanted it done legally. You may not recoup any of his expenses for his CD. With the push to accept this, the courts are against you.

Wow Reggie61 the gift card thing is a great idea-I've had trouble putting money away because my husband spends it all but that is a great way to set at least something aside that he cant touch!! Ella, I have told his parents and they do not talk to him-they completely support me. They call me and check up on me and have offered to help in anyway they can. They do not support what "he" is doing at all. About the therapy thing..... I completely agree that someone that wants to change gender should go through extensive therapy before they are allowed to just change. My husband started going to a transgender support group and then got hooked up with a doctor that started giving him hormones right off the bat-no questions asked. My husband even lied when they asked him if he does drugs and alcohol and he said no. Well, he is pretty much an alcoholic and smokes pot all the time but didn't tell them that. I wanted to call so bad and tell them but figured in the grand scheme of things-this is what he wants to do and its not gonna change anything to try to stop it. It is what he wants so whatever. I don't even care anymore. I just think its screwed up that he could get a legal gender and name change that easily and while he is still married to me. These doctors don't think about the family that is very much being affected by this decision.......

I feel like this is just a cash grab from the damn Dr here. I saw his support group pic and these men just look ridiculous! I know that sounds harsh but they're all much like my husband, big beefy men, and tall and muscular men. This Dr set them up with a support group, which I understand given the circumstances they need support or whatever, but he's just passing out hormones like they're tic tacs! I don't even think he has honestly told these men the reality of the end game. Look at Bruce Jenner, someone who has all the money in the world, every resource, and access to the best hair and makeup available in the industry and he still looks silly in my option. I do not think he's the ugliest thing I've ever seen but he's Vouge cover like all the pro trains groups are boasting, he still looks like someone who used to be a man and he always will. I don't understand why this Dr has explained to my husband and his group in reality you will all still have men's size 13-15 feet (they're all like I said big men), try finding heels for that, you're all still going to be 6'1- 6'9, you're still going to have man hands, broad arms and shoulders, your voice will still be deep! Like I said previously I even went as far as to reach out to a grand person I met through a charity gala and he (now a she) even stated he did everything available and the voice remains the same. He(she) also advised me his Dr made him live an entire year as a woman without hormones or surgery to ensure this was right as trams who jump to hormone and surgery can quickly regret it and commit suicide. I worry this may happen to my husband, but like you've said Reggie, regardless my marriage is over. I know this. There's no sense burying my head in the sand in Travis anymore. It's funny you mention he gift area because for the last 2wks every time I make a purchase I've hit yes in the cash back option, and have slowly been skimming. I do literally EVERYTHING in the house and that includes 100% of the shopping so he has no concept for what things cost, what we need or when we need it so he just thinks it groceries and home stuff. In suck of his constant spending when I've clearly said its not fiscally responsible right now, especially with Christmas fast approaching! But he's so selfish I could say we were going to lose the house and I feel like he's let t happen for a new fancy bra and wig The giftcard thing is also genius Reggie, I think Schroder and I both could use that this bit. In all this it really is great to know others understand what this is like and no matter how small, have but of advise and encouragement on how to tread these waters and try and make it through without drowning! Call me a bitch but I plan to put him to his parents! They are just so sweet and I know his will kill them. I'd rather try and do it softly instead of him just showing up with tits in a dress at their door in a year I know they'll disown him, this is so out do their comfort zone, and I'm sad I might lose them, but I foresee retaining their support through out this transition. I still so embarrassed and this is going to kill my family. Did either of you seek counselling for yourselves or for your family? And I don't mean your husbands pro trans Drs that just pushed you to accept it...

I have seen a theme in common with a lot of the guys that go transgender including my husband. A lot of them have been seriously into weight lifting. My husband always had to be one of the biggest guys in the gym. He was obsessed with weight lifting and even took steroids. I think it is a way that these guys are trying to cover up their feminine crap. It obviously only works so long. One thing I have to say is that the hormones do a lot to their physique and you will find your husband looking more and more feminine. My husband looked absolutely ridiculous at first and now he's pretty much passable. You will be shocked at what you will have to see and experience if you don't get out now. Another piece of advise, try not to focus on what the doctors are allowing and every little thing he is doing-try to let it go or it will consume you and you cannot change it. I try not to dwell on what shes doing-it just isn't healthy for me. I realize no matter what hes gonna do what hes gonna do and I have no say. He can go on with his life and leave me alone. I did not seek counseling for myself specific to this issue because I felt my life was completely consumed and I was drowning in transgender stuff-I did not want to go and talk about it any more. With Bruce Jenner and all the support out there-it just makes me sick. I am however trying to find some help for my daughter. It is hard to find someone that deals with this type of stuff that will be for her and not just pushing the rights of him. Try not to be embarrassed to tell people-I totally get it and still have not told people but the truth is that it is something he is doing and it is not a reflection of you!

I went through counseling when I discovered the CD ten years earlier. She told me it was just a fetish....wrong! So, no I haven't been for counseling since he announced and completed his transgendering. They'd just try to make me accept it and I refuse to. As far as I am concerned he is dead....except for the alimony and child support...lol. I'm ok so long as I don't have to see him but my daughter just told me the other day she invited him to her senior recital. It took all my will power not to show any emotion. I'm sick already and the recital isn't until January. But I'll be surrounded by my friends and family to run interference and he/she will be alone...as he always is...as he always will be.

I think I mentioned before either in his thread or another that when I was seeking counseling for my son I had a hard time finding someone who would allow my son to make his own decisions. Most of the counsellors out there push acceptance like the schools do and like the liberal media. The first shrink I took him to,said he'd back off and let my son explore his own feelings but that was the old bait and switch. After a few sessions he started to push my son into accepting it and said to me I cannot tell a child to disown their father. Needless to say after much searching I did find another counsellor who was good for my son. As far as I am concerned, I won't go through counseling. I know what my feelings are and I know that as long as I don't have to deal with my ex I'm fine. There's nothing to accept...I won't. There's nothing to understand. I can't. Once my children are off on their own with their own lives, except for the handful of milestones...weddings, births..etc I won't have to deal with him. And as I've been told by real experts...not these doctors but members of the gay community who have counseled others...eventually transies either kill themselves or disappear and start their lives elsewhere. So it's a waiting game for me. Eventually the MF will be out of my life. I don't need no stinking doctor to tell me how to feel or guide me to understand my own feelings. None of this is my fault. I had no way of knowing. I am still embarrassed but now I wear the badge of the outraged not the humiliated. Just waiting for the first mass murder caused by a psycho Transie...then we can all say...see what your political correctness has caused...a group of really screwed up individuals who thought plastic surgery and hormone shots and dress up clothes was going to fix their broken lives and minds. Maybe they'll all start a commune together somewhere out west.

Ellla,

I have to say I really wonder about that 20 year mark. ....stop many stories seem to start then. Some guys are good, shine area selfish and awful.

But, no, there use nothing for us, guitar left to the deal with the wake of their decisions. ...and why? Because are WOMEN. I'd they had one, honest, female hair on their wigged heads, then they might possibly understand what it might actually know what it was like to be a woman. Ugh. The grass is always greener I guess.

I just want my kids, with my littletiny cottage near the ocean. I just really want hon to leave me alone. .....maybe one day I'll get there. ......

Ugh, autocorrect, should have been "SO many stories. ...some are selfish. ....we are left to deal with things in the wake of their decisions why? Because we ARE WOMEN! if they had. ......." please forgive ladies....sorry!