Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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messedupinedmonton 07/03/2015

Hi, my story begins 20 years ago. I met my s/o in high school. we became very close very fast. We were on again off again for a year, then he moved to another province. I never stopped looking for him. Well 5 years ago he found me. He came back to live with me. I was happy. He asked me to marry him, I said yes! Then a few years ago he comes out and tells me he is a cross dresser...... Ok.... I was ok with that to some extent. Then not to long ago he/she tells me he/ she is Transgender. WOW,.... He has been this way since before puberty. He/ shee never told me back then. He/ she tells me now. He/ she dresses up for work in complete makup, hosiery, dresses, and heels. Then asked if it would be ok if he/ she came out to family and friends on facebook. I had friends ask me if he/ she was hacked, to which I say no. I feel so lost, mad, hurt, and other things I can not describe. We are supposed to get married this year..... in 6 weeks to be exact. Tonight we were talking and found out that we are geting extra money this month..... he then says that both of us can get dresses. Am I wrong to want to be the one in the dress?? its my first marriage and his second. Am I being selfish to want him/her in a suit for the wedding? He then says If you still wanna get married lol. To C####. Not the memory of C###. I want to marry the man, not the woman he thinks he is. ( yes thats bad I know) I was not brought up thinking that the GLCT culture was bad.... I guess I never though it would happen to me. I am so mixed up and confused.

clschroeder 07/03/2015

Sorry this is happening to you-especially right before a wedding. I would say do not get married unless you are 100% sure you can fully support it and be with him as a woman. In my experience, once they start transitioning- they will not stop no matter what. I was married to mine for 21 years and he/she still decided that it is something he needs to do. Now I am going through a very very hard divorce.

clschroeder 07/03/2015

1newstart 07/03/2015

I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this position, but I'm also glad you have found your way here. Here you don't have to feel bad about the things you are feeling. We understand them and have probably felt them ourselves.

Now, I agree with schroeder. Have you spent any time with him as a woman? How far does he hope to take this? Is he taking hormones? Does he want surgery? How would you feel about being married to a woman? These are things you need to think about, and it is more than okay if you need to postpone your wedding until you have a chance to think things through.

And to answer your questions..... no, you are not wrong or being selfish to want to be the one in a dress and to want your man in a suit.

Lastly, KNOW this.... just because you are uncomfortable being with a partner who is trans, does not mean that you think that culture is bad. I know I struggled with that a lot. Truth is though you are who you are. If you are a heterosexual woman, will you be okay being with a man who "presents" himself as a woman?

These are questions only you can answer. And regardless of how you answer, we are here to support you.

Best of luck to you,
Lynn

messedupinedmonton 07/03/2015

Thanks you 2 :)

I see him dress for work, the make up, the dress, everything, and I am ok with that. Just recently he mentioned that he wanted hormone treatment. I was shocked to say the least. I know he doesnt want surgery ( well doesnt want it right now because of the cost)

The marriage thing we have already postponed it once, and his family all know about him/her. But my family doesnt. My kids know and are ok, but none of my other family know. Hell I have no idea how to respond to him right now. I am so confused and mad and sad..... everyhitng all at once. I love him, I dont know about her yet.

If he had told me when we met in high school, i can bet that we would have been only friends. He knew then, but didnt tell me, even though we were engaged back then too.

messedupinedmonton 07/04/2015

Well we talked last night til almost 4am. I the end, we decided to break up and call off the wedding. A friend of his pointed out that we are more like best friends, not a couple. I blame me for not being more understanding and accepting and he blames himself for being different. This is so hard, i cant stop crying. I want to throw somehting, I dont know what to do anymore.

clschroeder 07/05/2015

So sorry to hear about the tough decision you had to make, but I think it is the right one. Do not blame yourself-you thought you were in a relationship with a man. I know how hard it is- I cry all the time and actually have thrown stuff. Everyone says it gets better, so lets hope they are right! My husband said for awhile that he didn't want the surgery and now he does. It just keeps going further and further past what he said he would do. Because of new laws, insurance companies are going to have to start covering these types of surgeries. My insurance (which he is on) doesn't currently cover him but once the divorce is final he knows a plan that he can get on where he can get the top and bottom surgery for just a $1000 deductible. Not something that I really wanted to hear!

herstory 08/29/2015

Messedupine,

I hope you are starting to feel better. I can't emphasize it enough: This is not your fault! Do not blame yourself. Maybe with some time the two of you can still be good friends. It is OK that he is different. You ARE understanding and accepting, you just need other things from a husband and are entitled to them. Separate you both have a better chance of being who you truly are. You made a very hard decision but a very wise one. You can see from this forum how difficult life is for people in these marriages. If you did marry, I can guarantee that you would have many more nights where you can't stop crying and you want to throw something.

Love & Healing

messedupinedmonton 10/20/2015

Well I have been living alone for a month and a half. We have separated our bank accounts and he/she has moved 90% of his/her stuff. We get along for the most part, and his/her family and the new roommate/coworker and her family support him/her fully. We are not the best friends we used to be, but thats ok. I hate being alone. There are nights that are so hard to be alone, then others are ok.

Reggie61 10/26/2015

You did the right thing and sometime in the future you will meet the right man for you. But please don't think for one minute that your reaction is wrong or bad. My son, who is 16, has been dealing with this for three years now. I just had an appointment with the supervisors of the guidance department in our school. My son is totall freaked by older women who he doesn't know and who are aggressive. I truly believe that because he was with my ex during the transition, he has trouble dealing with women who remind him of his father. I had a very heated discussion with a guidance counsellor who told me she didn't!t see it. When I met with the supervisor I asked him if the teachers and staff were involved with any type of counseling to deal with kids who have been traumatized by a parent transgendering. Of 'course not. I told him the media and public schools are bombarding our kids with the idea that if they don't accept transgender there is something wrong with them and they're bad. That is so not true. No one knows what we go through and no one takes into consideration the depth of the pain. You don't have to accept it. That makes you human not bad.

messedupinedmonton 03/08/2016

Hi everyone, I have been single and living alone now for 6 months and while its not always happy, I am content. She has moved on and now changed her name to something different. We used to be friends but now not so much. While I miss 'him', and figure I will for the rest of my life, I am glad I left. It gets to be funny when I talk about her to friends or prospective boyfriends, they are all like 'WHAT??" Hope everyone here is doing well.

momadoc 03/12/2016

Had I had the knowledge of his transgender state before my wedding I would have said no. While I remain in my current marriage it is only because it took him 20 years before he came out. And he did know before he proposed. It is not a hateful marriage but it is sad that I was so deceived. My age makes the prospect of leaving much more complex and difficult as I am nearing retirement.
Leave now while you have your whole life ahead of you.

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