I think that you're on the right path 2song. I know that his flaws are commonplace these days...almost the norm in fact. And, I remind myself that sometimes we all feel the need to escape from the mundane rituals and routines of life. I wasn't meeting all his needs, but then he wasn't meeting mine either. We had both drifted somewhat apart. I saw also looking back where I had become distant a lot too. There were many reasons for that. And I often daydreamed about what it would be like to have a more romantic relationship...and closer. And, I saw some who seemed far more connected than we were and I was envious of that. Then again, none of them were married for nearly thirty years either.

I blamed a lot of our distance on his alcohol usage, and that wasn't too very far from right. That did force me to entertain myself a whole lot, and to feel abandoned in many ways too. I entertained myself a lot, while he was in a drunken stupor. And I daydreamed too when he was so often drunk and unavailable.

So, in a way, I'm guilty too of escapism. I just didn't need some photo or flick of a body to daydream about. Just of what it would be like to have a very romantic relationship. That does help me to reduce the anger when I think of that. You know how the movies are, the societal thing of women, about having romance and tender loving. Maybe that is just as silly as his desire for disconnection and body parts. Male vs female attractions?

Heck, I don't know. And, when folks are married as long as we have been, at it's very best, both really trying to keep love alive, there is stale familiarity...and tendencies to take things for granted and to get bored. And, in his case, sinse he had been introduced to porn and that kind of lust since a child, it was very easy for him to use any excuse to entertain himself that way...much like a child.

Actually, he often made arrangements for "romantic" getaways. Far more often than I ever thought about it in real time. I often wonder now whether he did that trying to get back the romance between us, or out of guilt for what he was doing behind my back. Guess I'll never know that. But, I at least do know that he did those things too.

I do know that I couldn't prevent this from happening. When I was young and ever so pretty he did this too. It is just much harder to accept it, without feeling down on myself, because I am not young and ever so pretty any more. And, I have empty nest syndrom to deal with. And the inevitable stressors of an aging body without any other input there.

And, when I think of just sex for sex, no love involved, why would anyone choose to have sex with me over those other younger women? No reason I can think of...just from a strictly physical thing. Nor, would he be attractive that way if I just looked at sex from a strictly physical point of view...he isn't young either. And, on a strictly physical level, who would fare best in this world...who knows? Sandra Bullock, Tiger's wife, Christie Brinkley? There is no end to that...for anyone at all. A dead end...no choice ever possible...a no win...ever. And yet, I can't seem to get past how old and frumpy I must look to this man who has been ogling so many for so long. Tough to get over at this age. I often look in the mirror at this old lady and think "no wonder."

And, yes I do know that he needed me. Had he not needed me, he would have gone even farther, and perhaps replaced me with some willing barfly. He was a musician in a band for a really long time, and they're always a target for those women who consider them another mark on their lipstick case. So, there was lots of possibilities for his choosing to go farther than he did.

But then, he told me that he knew I would divorce him if he did and got caught. He never doubted that at all...and he didn't want a divorce from me. He did keep his desires to photos...as far as I know anyway. He certainly would never admit any other escapades to me...for any reason whatsoever I can think of. I do believe that...and that makes things tough too...the possibilities.

And you're right about moving on. There never is any choice but to move on in one way or another. From the moment I found what had happened, I was moving on...in some direction. That direction is always up...from the bottom...from the end of something. I don't know where that moving on will lead....I just move in whatever direction seems plausible. Like a tornado coming through...the house destroyed...nothing in it's place...start looking for what pieces can be put together to create a safer place out of the storm. I just hope that this time I can build a cellar...a haven...in case of another storm so that it's a little more safe...ha! Somewhere that the storm can wreak havoc, but not put me in a place of utter disaster.

I'm not unhappy or distraught every day as I was when this started. That is moving toward what will be I think. No one can stay there for long and remain sane. Rage the rule of the day. Like a rattlesnake startled...striking anything that moves. Well, I suppose some do...and I certainly don't want in their path...ha!

I just think that the "acceptance" of many things is really tough. That brings an equal amount of sorrow in exchange for the rage. And, I struggle with that..wanting it to go away from my insides and leave me in peace again. No more rage. No more sorrow. No more wishing. No more triggers. No more thinking about it. Gone...dead in the past. I wonder if I'll ever get over that...time I hope will leave the dust where it lays. And, I can accept the losses and accept the scars and quit tripping over things...or rubbing the scars and wishing they weren't there.

I guess we all have our time frame...and circumstances...and factors that are somewhat different. I think at this time that sorrow is the hardest thing for me to endure. The rage seems far better at times than the magnitude of the sorrow. Rage has a lot of energy and direction...where it seems that sorrow has no energy and the direction is unknown. I hate being blue. So, I know that eventually the sadness will dissipate...it has to...because I hate that place!

2Songbirds(reply #29): When I filed for divorce and after let myself be with someone else I did tell the stbx. I can vouch that he was VERY HURT even though he had no reason to be with everything he put me through. It was ok for him but not for me. He said he would never be able to get the vision of smeone else touching me out of his head ... like I hadn't been fighting many visions when we were trying to work on the marriage! I was just the only one that acted appropriately.

MissElly: Why is it always different for them? I've read that his mate having sex with another is far worse than an emotional relationship...and visa-versa for women. They just can't stand the idea of any comparison in real time of their sexual attributes. LOL! My H really wanted me to do that I think. He wanted anything to feel better about himself, and if that came from me stooping to his level that would do. I wouldn't give him the pleasure...nor the relief...he'll stand in his own crap...nor will I supply him with an even-up either. I will stand by my vows as long as I'm married to him. For me...not for him. But, like you, if I ever do file for a divorce, I will do exactly as I wish.

They are just SO entitled by this "man's" world. Were "just" women to them, and we're supposed to feel bad or jealous and they're not. It is definitely ok...to them...for them to have desire elsewhere. But, if we do, ohhhhhhh how awful we are...and the name-calling from the onset of time begins. Harlot...whore...bitch...and on....and on. But, for them, it's a "guy" thing...and they are justified within themselves. How very convenient that is. Won't work with me. Nor the biological bull...nor the women are different bull...nor the societal bull. No bull allowed here!

I can say this...that if I EVER find that my H has had sex with ANYONE else since we married...I WILL do that...right AFTER I file for a divorce from him...just as you did. And, I won't spend a single second feeling sorry for his hurt feelings either. And, thank goodness, our child is an adult...so I don't have to ever deal with him again. At that point, another state would fit my needs.

SheenRe, stbx actually said he couldn't believe I would do such a thing until the divorce was final. I found one great person and that's it after all of these years of my stbx having multiple women. And remember he had a baby with one! He's always the "victim."

Missy: Until the divorce was "final"? Well, he must have thought that the divorce was final everytime he committed adultry then? He couldn't believe that "you" would do such a thing? He certainly believes that "he" can do such a thing...and it's just okee-dokey? Reallly? Really? Oh, geeeeez, he is crazy as a loon! Well, no, maybe not, he's just so self-obsorbed and so far into self-deception that he can't even see himself standing in front of a mirror. "I" can't believe that he would say that "he" couldn't believe that you would move on with "your" life after "his" adulterous behavior!

I hope that you can move on with your life...and find whatever it is that makes you ecstatically happy...and that he gets to reap exactly as he sowed. Then you would both have exactly as you deserve. Just be careful about who you get involved with...I think that you know that now.