2Song: I thought about that much too at the beginning of all of this. He hurt me soooo bad. And, I really often felt that he deserved to feel it too. Thing is that I realized that he could "never" feel what I felt, no matter what I did. He would "deserve" what he got, and that would lessen the impact on him. I didn't deserve what I got. So, he could never feel what I felt, because he "would" deserve it...and he would know that. My doing that would only to serve to make him feel better...I'd be as guilty as he at that point....so he would feel somewhat better. Every value that "I" had thrown to the wind for something that wouldn't be out of desire, but out of pain. I couldn't feel good about it. I would become the same as he in many ways. I hate what he did. And to do the same would only reduce the good I had done in my life to nothing. My beliefs...my values...to nothing.

I don't care if he can ever feel as badly...in fact...I'm sure he can't....ever. But, when he looks at me...at what I've done...and how I've lived my life...there is a "huge" difference....even from his convoluted thinking. And, I for one, am very proud of that. I wouldn't ever want to be him...to carry the burden for treating anyone that way. He'll have to carry that. And, as long as he lives with me, he'll have to carry the "entire" load for "his" character and his behaviors, and his decisions. He'll never be able to look at me and feel justified, nor relieved of what he did, in any way, whatsoever. I won't reduce his load. I won't come "down" to his level of thinking, nor acting. I won't help him carry it that way. He'll carry the full load for as long as he lives.

I make no judgements of those who do go down this road, as i understand fully the thought process of a spouse. I can understand where your head is at, i am sure we all can. I too remember that stage.

Based on my own relationship this is my thoughts................I personally am in the "two wrongs don't make a right" camp, on this issue.
Being further along now in my recovery, and my h also further along in his, looking back this would have been disasterous for us, and our situation.
My h was struggling with self esteem and worthiness issues, and numbing himself instead of facing or dealing with his stress. He already felt unworthy or unlovable because he couldn't control his urges, or stop his shame and guilt. So by me going out and sexually acting out also, would have only fed into his faulty thinking process......thus making him feel more bad, more unworthy and give him fuel to act out further.
I too could not have handled adding another person and their issues, into our marital problems. I think if i were to sleep with another guy, it would have just made me feel worse......but that is just my opinion of my situation.

I am glad i did not act on my thoughts at the time. I am an advocate of dealing with the problem at hand, not bringing in more.

I know that this isn't the *right* answer, but it's my truth, and you asked how did I actually handle this, so here it is.

Back in February, my husband and I had stalled out in getting better. He was seeing a therapist who was doing him no good. She was one of those who just lets the person talk and tells them that it's normal and okay... not what an SA needs, you know! And he was in a group that also wasn't doing him much good. It was the blind leading the blind. I'd decided that I wanted to start marriage counselling, but I thought that he should schedule the appointments and stuff, and he wasn't doing it. I'd also talked with him about what he was getting or not getting out of his support network and some ways it could be better, and he was still not getting in to see an SA therapist or anything. I was frustrated and tired of waiting for him to get ready to do what he said he was going to do, and I was pretty sure he was still acting out and I was just SO TIRED of the whole thing.

Anyway, I was sent on a training trip, and a guy who I found incredibly attractive kissed me. We fooled around a little, but never consumated it or anything. It felt nice to feel desirable again, and I just think I didn't care about my marriage anymore.

When I got back, I told him calmly about it. Talked about why I thought it had happened, and it wasn't me trying to hurt him, but I also wasn't trying to spare his feelings. It was just honest. And somehow, it broke our inertia. He scheduled that marriage counsellor, and not long after started seeing an SA therapist, and has started coming around.

Thanks for your honesty Grrlygirl, i understand completely how you felt. I am so glad things worked out in the end :)

I wanted to do the same thing. With my h it is PA (that I know of-he was on adult friend finder and other sites, also, so who really knows?), so I did a google image search for hot guys and plastered them all over my h's desktop. It felt really great, right up until I realized that I myself am not into that sort of thing, never have been, and I was just making myself like him to get back at him. So, basically, after all the pretzels that I have twisted myself into over the years to make him happy-changing the way I dress, losing weight, who I was friends with, not to mention all the horrible degrading sexual things I pretended to enjoy to keep him interested-I was going to do this to myself too? Make myself over into him? That was just too much, and I deleted everything. It was all for effect anyway. Plus, he probably would have seen the pictures and gone "See? I told you everyone does it! Even you!" I may have been stupid/desperate enough to hand over my self respect to him, but he doesn't get to have my integrity, too.

I can't really say because it really isn't in me to get back at him like that. I probably have other ways like stony silence or yelling it out to the neighbors. My philosophy for many years is that I wan tot do what I know I can go to bed and sleep well knowing that I have done the day well. I don't need any guilt on my plate. I have enough stuff already.

Do you have a way of letting loose these feelings? For me, journaling has been a great therapy. I write down all my options and consequences and then come to a conclusion even if it is to pray/think more about it. sometimes just ruling out things is helpful.

It is said that the way to really pour hot coals on your enemy's head is to treat them right. Is that a possibility? Can you do some really nice something for him? How about if you don't talk to him or go to therapy with him for a month? Is there something that you can do for you that will let you separate from him/the hurt and deal with your burning pain? Another thing that I did was to go to a little cabin in the woods for a weekend. I journaled and read all weekend. (I have children so that was different). It made him mad that I would do that for me but not for us. I just needed it so bad - the change of scenery and the time alone. How about a retreat? I spent some Sundays and Wednesdays when we first separated/disclosure at church just praying. It was really good for me. When I was little my Mom would have us hit the pillow if we were really mad. It was helpful. How about cutting sown a tree, hoeing a garden, or some other violent action to something harmless while thinking of your feelings?

Even if you do some of these things, it just takes time. You have to help it, but time works wonders. I have found that distractions during the waiting are helpful too. Don't get frustrated though. What you are going through is normal and understandable but can be dangerous to your emotional health, family, and your relationship if it isn't handled well.

Whatever you decide, I hope that you can find peace.

well, I've been trying to sort out this revenge like feeling. I haven't acted on it, really don't want to, but when it gets strong I'm afraid I will act on it. I know I need to get away for a little bit. We haven't been on vacation for a few years. However, 3 young kids and a diabetic dog amongst other obligations...not to add neither one of us get vacation pay....I can't even get away for a night to be by myself.

as for the physical need to get out the emotions, I did rejoin the gym. I try to go after work at night. But, it's just not enough. We are only 3 months into recovery yet I have to deal with this for the rest of my life.

I'm just afraid that someday the opportunity will be too easy to even the score with him, I will act partially on it (won't sleep around as too afraid of getting std), I really won't care and will tell him. I'm afraid I won't feel any remorse because he will then feel cheated. But, as trina stated, it may just cause further damage down the road.

Like I said, this is an ongoing discussion iwth my therapist. I was just wondering what the other spouses of SA did when this issue came up

On deeper thoughts to this discussion, i realised i should mention that not only is this a common feeling many spouses feel, but it is also mentioned in the stages of our recovery. Which means you are currently about stage 4............here's the link if you wish to read more about this :)


http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/spouse-of-sexaholics/discussions/messages/7316331


4. Grief and Ambivalence Stage
One of the most important aspects of moving through your pain is recognising and experiencing your grief. Acknowledging your pain and sadness is essential to moving past feelings of anger and betrayal. At the core of betrayal are feelings of pain, sadness and rejection. Anger is often considered a secondary emotion to pain and sadness. So grieving is one of the central processes allowing you to move through your anger and feelings of betrayal. The wounding you have experienced cuts to the very core of your heart and soul, leaving you feeling shattered. Allowing yourself time to grieve the many losses during this time will help propel you into the next stage of repair and growth.
Distinguishing grief from self pity is important too. You may believe that feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time and an indulgence that should not be tolerated. But grief is essential because it is that most private area of yourself that allows you to own your pain on a deeper level. Acknowledging, "Hey I have been seriously wronged and i hurt" is important. It helps you stop internalising the problem and move into your own core feelings of loss, betrayal and sadness. It allows you freedom from focusing on what the addict is or isn't doing which will assist you in connecting with your authentic self.
Some of the losses you will experience are;
Loss of the dream of your relationship
Loss of self
Loss of relationship as it once was
Loss of emotional safety
Loss of sexual safety
Loss of financial stability
Spiritual vacancy eg; 'where is god?'

You may contemplate separation, divorce, and have fantasies about how life would be without the partner or wish something would happen to him so you wouldn't have to go through this pain anymore. You may also find yourself attracted to someone else. Alternatively the idea of being attracted to someone else may repulse you and conjure up feelings of mistrust and tremendous fear.
One of the significant gifts that comes from this stage is the gift of self awareness and introspection. Instead of focusing on the addicts needs and wants, you begin to focus on your needs and wants. Your self care typically deepens during this stage. This is an essential shift to make in the healing process because without focusing on yourself, you will not move into the next stage of repair.
Core Characteristics;
* grieving losses
* feelings of dpression
* ambivilance about the relationship
* increased introspection and focus on the self
* less focus on the addicts behaviour and more on your own

Good reminder Trina. I am so surprised at how much grief is involved in all of this. The rage was longlived...and the grief even longer. I begin to wonder if I'll ever feel the same again....though somewhere inside I believe I will feel lots better. I guess they say that you never really feel the same level of trust and comfort as you once did...that nothing is ever really the same in the relationship...and that depresses me a lot. I've heard that somehow it can be better than it was before...but I've never read anywhere in what ways...what the benefits are compared to the losses. Do you know that?

I am sorry Sheenre that you haven't found a happier place. It would be my wish that we all reach a nirvana and enjoy life again.
I know you have not left many stones unturned, and do not know what to direct you to further.

I too though earlier that it would be impossible for a relationship to thrive after dealing with a Sexual Addiction, but am living proof it is possible. I do not know what the magic recipe is, other than to say i have always lived by the adage "That if you continue to always look behind you, you will never have time to enjoy whats ahead of you." I am loving what is ahead.

May we all find peace, and enjoy what life has to offer us

Another thing that I do - just to lighten the atmosphere within myself and to interject a little sick humor in my life. I remember Lorana Bobbit. 10 years ago she caught her H with another. She got up in the night and cut his penis off and threw it out the car window as she fled the scene of the crime. If I recall, she was let off without punishment. I am not recommending this, but it is funny to think on!!

Violence will solve NOTHING. Actually revenge will only come back to hurt you. I just read a good allegory about it. It likens revenge to a monster who eats the guy who invented the monster in his vengeful mind instead of the intended victim. This guy was a horrible jerk and everyone is so glad that he has disappeared forever. Revenge, anger. and bitterness will eat us up. My mom says, have your pity party for the day and then get on with life. Easier said than done, but worth reminding myself of. When I get to burning with anger and feel like my glare could burn holes in him (and wish it would), I pray a long, comforting prayer preceded by "Vengeance is Yours, Lord. Grant me peace."

gamama....it's soooo freaking funny you mention that as I was thinking about it for the last couple of weeks. I was wondering what exactly drove her to do that, how much trouble she got into with the law, and the current status of both her and her (ex) husband

I know that violence solves nothing. That's why i've been trying so dang hard to control it. It has gotten to the better of me however. I know revenge isn't the way to go. H told me how his actions don't hurt nearly as bad as my words. maybe that's my sword and dagger then

sorry, mean MY actions don't hurt nearly as bad as my words....He said that to me and to his therapist. He can take the physcial, but the mental damage I do when I go full blown out in my rage

I have a friend who cheated to even the score and it destroyed her emotionally because that wasn't who she really was. She had similar thoughts of just getting even like you. Now in my own experience, having a SA spouse, he is sick and it would not have the effect you're hoping for. He's cluless and has no emotions and can't see right from wrong (now this is my spouse and I pray not yours). Hang in there and things will work out - stay strong. Hugs

Thanks Trina. I wish that for everyone too. That we can all feel happy again in whatever way works for each of us.

I know that in some ways our relationship is better. It IS far more honest. I know that I am far more honest. I hope he is. Don't know what he could ever hope to gain now by any dishonesty whatsoever. That's a good thing. And, I certainly have exerted more of a voice. That's good too. And, he is far more aware of his behavior towards me....also good. I don't really have any false hopes anymore...I think that is good. I know I have feelings...that's great...now if they could just be good feelings...ha...that's a joke.

But, to say it is better than before in some other very important ways, I can't honestly say that is true. Wish I could. Maybe someday?

I don't really look behind me anymore. I did that for a long while to see where my errors were. And to try and see him in that picture. Who is this man really? At least that way I felt that I learned something for the trouble of many years of effort. I see lots of those places where I could have made lots better decisions...for my life...for me personally. I knew that there was no way to go back and fix it...done deal...over. I just stopped and looked at what was...and because of what was...what IS...right now. What the result of the past is. And wondered...welll...what now that all that is done?

Seeing the wreck...I just opened the door to all out honesty. Not only for him...for me too. That is very good. There were lots of hurt feelings inside me for much that had stayed locked away. So, I opened the doors, and I let it out. That's good....for me. Don't know if it was very good for him. I doubt that it was....or is.

And, I could see looking back how I coped with so many things all along. And, that I would learn how to never let that happen again...with him...with anyone...ever again. That has been good for me...probably not so great for some others...ha...also a joke.

I'm not so sure, so very sure, at this point, that I want to ever get as close, feel as close, as I once did. Or, that even if I was sure I did, that it is ever possible. I can see where that was folly...for me. On the other hand, I do have a lot of trouble letting go of that desire. I lived that way for soooo long. This is the now...it has been the now...it always was the now. The moment I saw what he had done, everything changed irrevocably. I knew that the moment I saw it. Just now...what now?

I am more settled in my life now than I was two years ago. I'm not as miserable looking at the devastation...the end of life as I knew it. It was the end of an era for me. Over and done. Life goes on. Choices continue. Other things in my life are better. I tend to my wishes lots more. I got freed of many responsibilities that day. And for that..I am very glad. And I was forced to let go of many dreams and ideas and to search for new ones. I still search.

The relationship itself? Forever changed. But, for the life of me, I can't really see how that particular part of my life is substantially better. I don't have any daydreams...that's for sure. Nor any romantic notions, as I once did. I had managed to keep that connection, that feeling of romantic love, if only in MY mind, for all of those years. And, maybe it is better that it's gone. Maybe it needed to end and for reality to set in. And maybe that is the good of it. I'm not yet sure. Really took a lot of time to let it die.

I have changed. He has changed. We neither are the same people we were that day. The relationship has changed...both for the better...and for the worse. Accepted? Maybe that's the word my mind searches for. Accepted that things in life end and new paths have to be found. I'm looking for where this path leads now.

Were you able to maintain that? The romance? The intimate feelings? If so...how? Can you say, or is it too convoluted to express?