Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
"Hope & Freedom for Sexual Addicts & Their Partners" .......By Milton S Magness D.Min
Chapter 13
Page 171-176
When Is It Time To Move On?.............................
It is common during the addiction and in the recovery when spouses or partners wonder if it time to end the relationship. This deserves additional attention. It is tragic that many marriages are destroyed because of Sexual Addiction. However, the discovery of compulsive sexual behaviour need not mark the end to a relationship, even if the activity has involved other people and perhaps many. If the sexual addict is willing to get help and address the problem, the relationship can be saved and can thrive in recovery.
Some individuals have the mistaken belief that if their spouse or partner has been unfaithful that they must get a divorce. Unfaithfullness is devastating, and spouses believe the acting out will occur again, and again. Rather than look for a way out, couples can look for ways to stay in relationships and put the pieces back together.
Addictions often develop over a lifetime. They are behaviours reinforced by years of acting out and powerful neorochemical highs. Recovery for many people is a series of starts and stops, and resolutions followed by relapses. Rather than seeing recovery as a steady uphill progression, it is more like a roller coaster with its ups and downs, yet all the time moving forward.
If an individual is committed to a program of recovery, even if he is continueing to have setbacks, there is reason to hope that he may be able to get free from all compulsive behaviour and live the rest of his life in sexual integrity. Do you lose hope?
When The Sexual Addict Refuses Help..........................
What about relationships where sexual addicts are not willing to get help? If your partner admits to having a problem with compulsive sexual behaviour but refuses to address that problem, it is time to consider ending the relationship.
Sometimes when a partner sets this boundary and the addict is convinced of the seriousness of the boundary, he may realise his only choice to save the relationship is to get help for his addiction. I have numerous cases where divorce papers had been filed, only to stop to legal proceedings when the sexual addict decides to get help.
This does not suggest threats of divorce or abandonment are to be used to manipulate sexual addicts into recovery. When a spouse reaches the point where she is getting ready to end the relationship, the decision is often to persuade the sexual addict to seek immediate help.
What about cases where the addicts continue to slip or relapse? This may also be the time to consider ending the relationship. If that happens, it is important to recognize that the addict's decision to put the addiction ahead of his partner resulted in forfeiting the relationship.
No-one does recovery perfectly. Unfortunately, amny have slips and relapses that punctuate their recovery. If steps are taken to rectify the situation and restore good recovery routines, the relationship is worth salvaging. If the sexual addict is not willing to do the work of reocvery, even after repeated opportunities to get help, it may be time to end the relationship. Moving on may mean leaving your spouse or partner trapped in his addiction. Therefore, your partner must accept that you will no longer allow yourself to be trumatized by continued acting out.
If this is the place you find yourself and you have given your partner repeated chances to get into recovery, but he refused or will not maintain program of sobriety, then you may feel that he has chosen his addiction over you. Ending the relationship is a difficult decision and one that you should make only after much soul searching and consulting with professionals and trusted friends. Life without your partner will be challenging and perhaps painful, but ask yourself, wouldn't that pain be less than remaining in the relationship if your partner's acting out never ended?
Often the sexual addict will do everything possible to save the relationship, when he realizes that the spouse is ready to end it. If the shock of the partner saying the relationship is over gets an addict into recovery, then he can be grateful that something was stronger than the power of addiction, and that was coming face to face with the loss of you and the relationship.
The Relationship is Over. What Went Wrong?.......................
In some cases the relationship was over before the partner knew the extent of the sposues addiction. Or the sexual addict announced that he had found someone who "really knows how to love me" and walked away from the relationship without trying to save it. Abrupt endings are devastating and leave lasting wounds.
Some individuals who are sexually addicted never get into recovery and continue to resist all offers of recovery. Their partners set boundaries, give ultimations, make impassionate pleas, and otherwise beg their partner to get into recovery and give the relationship a chance. But they find that they are powerless over their partners addictions and cannot bring them to recovery.
In other cases, recovery is not constant with some addicts and they continue to suffer slips and relapses. they make promises that they will stop their destructive behvaiour, but it never sticks. After a few sessions of therapy and a 12 step meetings, they declare themselves 'cured' and stop all recovery actions. The repeated relapses finally bring partners to the point of saying "Enough!!"
There are other relationships where the husband and the wife get into recovery but the relationship still does not work. For some cases there was too great of an imbalance in recovery; that is, one partner was well ahead of the other and the other never caught up. In some of these relationships, even though recovery appears to be going well for both, they cannot make the relationship work. The wounds of deciet are sometimes too deep to heal. In some cases, one or both partners are unable to move to a place of acceptance as a prelude to forgiveness so that healing can begin. There are some spouses hurt so much that they can never get to a place of healing.
It really does not matter what finally happened becuase the relationship is over. Wishing, hoping, crying, and pleading will not restore that which has been severed. If your relationship has ended, here are a few things about your future that you need to hear:
First, don't date until you have continued further in your own recovery journey. YOu need time to make sense of your feelings and concentrate on yourself. NO "rebound" relationship will provide the nurturing you now need. If you are dating, STOP immediately. You deserve to have time to take care of yourself. Life is not going to pass you by while you are concentrating on giving yourself what you need.
Second, you need time to heal. If you are not in therapy at present, start therapy immediately. You will need to do some intensive family-of-origin work, to work on childhood wounds that may be impacting your life today. This would also be a good time to find an EMDR therapist who can help you address your trauma issues.
It is especially important that you get professional help to determine the impact of the relationship with your former partner. You may be able to see some similarities in your former partner and other people with whom you have had relationships. In fact, some individuals are candid enough to admit that they seem to always end up with someone who is an addict or someone who is abusive to them. Addicts are often charming, persuasive, and focused on the person who is the object of their affections. If you have chosen an addict of any variety in any or perhaps every previous relatiosnhip, this would be a good time to asl yourself, "What do I need to do to heal, and quit living the same traumatic realtionship repeatedly?"
If this is you, you alone can change the next chapter of your life. You are the author of your future. No matter how long you have let others tell you how to live your life, you are free now to assume control of the events in your life. You deserve a healthy relationship. Do not settle for less!
This would also be a good time for you to cement relationships with other men or women who are healing from relationships that have damaged their self esteem. 12-Step organizations are important sources of support to individuals who have found themselves alone after the end of a relationship to a sexual addict. Even if there is not a 12-Step group for partners in your area, Co-SA online groups can be very beneficial.
( Or lovely groups like this here on DS.....lol)
Chapter 14
Page 177-179
Adventure in Recovery.................................
In the course of their recovery journey, I tell my clients that they will be able to look at themselves in the mirror and say, "YOu are a good person, " and know in their hearts that the words are true. Negative self talk that has plagued them since childhood gradually end and will be replaced with healing words. I believe recovery is truely an adventure. In the end, sexual addicts have a much fuller, richer, more meaningful life than if they had not had compulsive behaviours to concur.
Sexual Addiction recovery can be an adventure. As with many adventures, recovering from sexual addiction never stops. It continues throughout life. Sexual addicts never get to a point where all of their recovery work is done. They continue to face new challenges and additional parts of their character upon which to focus. Yet as long as they are living free from compulsive behaviour their addiction is behind them. Their journey of freedom continues and never has to stop.
As you continue through the many tasks of recovery, you will find challenges and numerous blessings. As you and your partner take this journey together, you will have the opportunity to work on some things that would have escaped your notice if it were not for addiction and recovery. In the Big Book of Alcoholics, in the section referred to as "the promises", it states that there will come a time when a person will "not regret the past nor wish to shut this door on it." While this seems unattainable, it becomes reality for many. Perhaps it is more fully realized when a couple takes the recovery journey together.
Certainly there are hurts and pains from the past that bring grief. There are things that recovering addicts regret. That regret is shared by their partners. Addiction wounds both the addicted and those who love them. It is a vicious cycle that can only be served by making a committment to do the work necessary to end all compulsive behaviour forever.
Recovery has many rewards. One is the ability to look back on a relationship that has grown in many ways not thought possible. Being in relationship with a sexual addict has its down sides for sure. But if the partner is doing solid recovery work and actively engaged to his or her own work, the relationship possesses a new dimension of richness that could not have come were it not for addiction and recovery.
The presence of sexual addiction in a relationship does not mean that a relationship must end. Nor does it mean that happiness must end. If both addict and the partner are willing to address the addiction, work on thier individual recoveries, and recover as a couple, there is every reason to hope for a good outcome for the relationship.
I am committed to counselling because I see miracles happen on a daily basis. I continually come meet individuals and couples who believe their happiness is at an end becuase of the compulsive sexual behaviour. But relationships do not always have to end.
I am constantly amazed at the changes that can take place in relationships through solid recovery work. I hear couples who have been in recovery several months state their relationship is better now than it has ever been. I have heard that enough times that I have come to expect that result when both are committed to doing whatever it takes to restore their relationship.
My desire for you and your partner is that you immerse yourself in recovery. I urge you to be willing to do the couragous and challenging work that is required. As Francis Bacon once said, "All rising to a great place is by a winding stair."
May your recovery journey of hope lead you to freedom.
About the Author
Page 203
Milton S Magness, is the founder and director of Hope & Freedom Counselling Services in Houston. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and a Lisensed Professional Counselor.
Dr Magness is on the board of directors of The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), formerly known as the President of the board of that organization. He studied with Dr Patrick Carnes, the foremost authority on sexual addiction, and had completed specialized study in the area of cybersex addiction. Dr Magness has led a multi-state research study that focused on cybersex behaviour and recovery among self-identified sex addicts. he is a frequent speaker at both professional and public events.
Should you wish to contact Dr Magness with questions about this book or for information on Hope & Freedom Counselling, you may write to him at milton.magness@hopeandfreedom.com or contact at (713) 630-0111.
Dr Magness lives in Housten, Texas and Canmore, Alberta, Canada.
Chapter 13
Page 171-176
When Is It Time To Move On?.............................
It is common during the addiction and in the recovery when spouses or partners wonder if it time to end the relationship. This deserves additional attention. It is tragic that many marriages are destroyed because of Sexual Addiction. However, the discovery of compulsive sexual behaviour need not mark the end to a relationship, even if the activity has involved other people and perhaps many. If the sexual addict is willing to get help and address the problem, the relationship can be saved and can thrive in recovery.
Some individuals have the mistaken belief that if their spouse or partner has been unfaithful that they must get a divorce. Unfaithfullness is devastating, and spouses believe the acting out will occur again, and again. Rather than look for a way out, couples can look for ways to stay in relationships and put the pieces back together.
Addictions often develop over a lifetime. They are behaviours reinforced by years of acting out and powerful neorochemical highs. Recovery for many people is a series of starts and stops, and resolutions followed by relapses. Rather than seeing recovery as a steady uphill progression, it is more like a roller coaster with its ups and downs, yet all the time moving forward.
If an individual is committed to a program of recovery, even if he is continueing to have setbacks, there is reason to hope that he may be able to get free from all compulsive behaviour and live the rest of his life in sexual integrity. Do you lose hope?
When The Sexual Addict Refuses Help..........................
What about relationships where sexual addicts are not willing to get help? If your partner admits to having a problem with compulsive sexual behaviour but refuses to address that problem, it is time to consider ending the relationship.
Sometimes when a partner sets this boundary and the addict is convinced of the seriousness of the boundary, he may realise his only choice to save the relationship is to get help for his addiction. I have numerous cases where divorce papers had been filed, only to stop to legal proceedings when the sexual addict decides to get help.
This does not suggest threats of divorce or abandonment are to be used to manipulate sexual addicts into recovery. When a spouse reaches the point where she is getting ready to end the relationship, the decision is often to persuade the sexual addict to seek immediate help.
What about cases where the addicts continue to slip or relapse? This may also be the time to consider ending the relationship. If that happens, it is important to recognize that the addict's decision to put the addiction ahead of his partner resulted in forfeiting the relationship.
No-one does recovery perfectly. Unfortunately, amny have slips and relapses that punctuate their recovery. If steps are taken to rectify the situation and restore good recovery routines, the relationship is worth salvaging. If the sexual addict is not willing to do the work of reocvery, even after repeated opportunities to get help, it may be time to end the relationship. Moving on may mean leaving your spouse or partner trapped in his addiction. Therefore, your partner must accept that you will no longer allow yourself to be trumatized by continued acting out.
If this is the place you find yourself and you have given your partner repeated chances to get into recovery, but he refused or will not maintain program of sobriety, then you may feel that he has chosen his addiction over you. Ending the relationship is a difficult decision and one that you should make only after much soul searching and consulting with professionals and trusted friends. Life without your partner will be challenging and perhaps painful, but ask yourself, wouldn't that pain be less than remaining in the relationship if your partner's acting out never ended?
Often the sexual addict will do everything possible to save the relationship, when he realizes that the spouse is ready to end it. If the shock of the partner saying the relationship is over gets an addict into recovery, then he can be grateful that something was stronger than the power of addiction, and that was coming face to face with the loss of you and the relationship.
The Relationship is Over. What Went Wrong?.......................
In some cases the relationship was over before the partner knew the extent of the sposues addiction. Or the sexual addict announced that he had found someone who "really knows how to love me" and walked away from the relationship without trying to save it. Abrupt endings are devastating and leave lasting wounds.
Some individuals who are sexually addicted never get into recovery and continue to resist all offers of recovery. Their partners set boundaries, give ultimations, make impassionate pleas, and otherwise beg their partner to get into recovery and give the relationship a chance. But they find that they are powerless over their partners addictions and cannot bring them to recovery.
In other cases, recovery is not constant with some addicts and they continue to suffer slips and relapses. they make promises that they will stop their destructive behvaiour, but it never sticks. After a few sessions of therapy and a 12 step meetings, they declare themselves 'cured' and stop all recovery actions. The repeated relapses finally bring partners to the point of saying "Enough!!"
There are other relationships where the husband and the wife get into recovery but the relationship still does not work. For some cases there was too great of an imbalance in recovery; that is, one partner was well ahead of the other and the other never caught up. In some of these relationships, even though recovery appears to be going well for both, they cannot make the relationship work. The wounds of deciet are sometimes too deep to heal. In some cases, one or both partners are unable to move to a place of acceptance as a prelude to forgiveness so that healing can begin. There are some spouses hurt so much that they can never get to a place of healing.
It really does not matter what finally happened becuase the relationship is over. Wishing, hoping, crying, and pleading will not restore that which has been severed. If your relationship has ended, here are a few things about your future that you need to hear:
First, don't date until you have continued further in your own recovery journey. YOu need time to make sense of your feelings and concentrate on yourself. NO "rebound" relationship will provide the nurturing you now need. If you are dating, STOP immediately. You deserve to have time to take care of yourself. Life is not going to pass you by while you are concentrating on giving yourself what you need.
Second, you need time to heal. If you are not in therapy at present, start therapy immediately. You will need to do some intensive family-of-origin work, to work on childhood wounds that may be impacting your life today. This would also be a good time to find an EMDR therapist who can help you address your trauma issues.
It is especially important that you get professional help to determine the impact of the relationship with your former partner. You may be able to see some similarities in your former partner and other people with whom you have had relationships. In fact, some individuals are candid enough to admit that they seem to always end up with someone who is an addict or someone who is abusive to them. Addicts are often charming, persuasive, and focused on the person who is the object of their affections. If you have chosen an addict of any variety in any or perhaps every previous relatiosnhip, this would be a good time to asl yourself, "What do I need to do to heal, and quit living the same traumatic realtionship repeatedly?"
If this is you, you alone can change the next chapter of your life. You are the author of your future. No matter how long you have let others tell you how to live your life, you are free now to assume control of the events in your life. You deserve a healthy relationship. Do not settle for less!
This would also be a good time for you to cement relationships with other men or women who are healing from relationships that have damaged their self esteem. 12-Step organizations are important sources of support to individuals who have found themselves alone after the end of a relationship to a sexual addict. Even if there is not a 12-Step group for partners in your area, Co-SA online groups can be very beneficial.
( Or lovely groups like this here on DS.....lol)
Chapter 14
Page 177-179
Adventure in Recovery.................................
In the course of their recovery journey, I tell my clients that they will be able to look at themselves in the mirror and say, "YOu are a good person, " and know in their hearts that the words are true. Negative self talk that has plagued them since childhood gradually end and will be replaced with healing words. I believe recovery is truely an adventure. In the end, sexual addicts have a much fuller, richer, more meaningful life than if they had not had compulsive behaviours to concur.
Sexual Addiction recovery can be an adventure. As with many adventures, recovering from sexual addiction never stops. It continues throughout life. Sexual addicts never get to a point where all of their recovery work is done. They continue to face new challenges and additional parts of their character upon which to focus. Yet as long as they are living free from compulsive behaviour their addiction is behind them. Their journey of freedom continues and never has to stop.
As you continue through the many tasks of recovery, you will find challenges and numerous blessings. As you and your partner take this journey together, you will have the opportunity to work on some things that would have escaped your notice if it were not for addiction and recovery. In the Big Book of Alcoholics, in the section referred to as "the promises", it states that there will come a time when a person will "not regret the past nor wish to shut this door on it." While this seems unattainable, it becomes reality for many. Perhaps it is more fully realized when a couple takes the recovery journey together.
Certainly there are hurts and pains from the past that bring grief. There are things that recovering addicts regret. That regret is shared by their partners. Addiction wounds both the addicted and those who love them. It is a vicious cycle that can only be served by making a committment to do the work necessary to end all compulsive behaviour forever.
Recovery has many rewards. One is the ability to look back on a relationship that has grown in many ways not thought possible. Being in relationship with a sexual addict has its down sides for sure. But if the partner is doing solid recovery work and actively engaged to his or her own work, the relationship possesses a new dimension of richness that could not have come were it not for addiction and recovery.
The presence of sexual addiction in a relationship does not mean that a relationship must end. Nor does it mean that happiness must end. If both addict and the partner are willing to address the addiction, work on thier individual recoveries, and recover as a couple, there is every reason to hope for a good outcome for the relationship.
I am committed to counselling because I see miracles happen on a daily basis. I continually come meet individuals and couples who believe their happiness is at an end becuase of the compulsive sexual behaviour. But relationships do not always have to end.
I am constantly amazed at the changes that can take place in relationships through solid recovery work. I hear couples who have been in recovery several months state their relationship is better now than it has ever been. I have heard that enough times that I have come to expect that result when both are committed to doing whatever it takes to restore their relationship.
My desire for you and your partner is that you immerse yourself in recovery. I urge you to be willing to do the couragous and challenging work that is required. As Francis Bacon once said, "All rising to a great place is by a winding stair."
May your recovery journey of hope lead you to freedom.
About the Author
Page 203
Milton S Magness, is the founder and director of Hope & Freedom Counselling Services in Houston. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and a Lisensed Professional Counselor.
Dr Magness is on the board of directors of The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), formerly known as the President of the board of that organization. He studied with Dr Patrick Carnes, the foremost authority on sexual addiction, and had completed specialized study in the area of cybersex addiction. Dr Magness has led a multi-state research study that focused on cybersex behaviour and recovery among self-identified sex addicts. he is a frequent speaker at both professional and public events.
Should you wish to contact Dr Magness with questions about this book or for information on Hope & Freedom Counselling, you may write to him at milton.magness@hopeandfreedom.com or contact at (713) 630-0111.
Dr Magness lives in Housten, Texas and Canmore, Alberta, Canada.
At the time this recent even unfolded, I really had a lot of self-respect for all of my hard work and dedication through the years. I worked. I studied. I schooled. I coped with all the tools I knew. I loved. I cared. I offered my assistance. I knew, no doubt, just how hard I worked to pick myself up by my own bootstraps in order to become someone that "I" could respect. It hadn't been easy. I really didn't disrespect myself. In fact, I was quite proud of my progress. Not vain....just job well done?
Now, physically, when one reaches these advanced numbers of years, it is a downhill trend anyway. Everyone gets there, there is no remedy for age? So, a push farther down from one so close is not very appreciated at all? I was really shocked that he showed such a lack of respect though. Surprise...surprise. Not taken well?
He stuck out his stubborn chin at first, as he always did, tried the arrogant attitude, tried to intimidate, tried every mechanism he knew, and they were many....as I observed. And, for all his arrogant, inconsiderate, and manipulation efforts...he got punched right in his emotional nose! HARD! And, I don't regret it for one moment. He got exactly as he deserved, no more, no less. I will not stand for someone physically hitting me without defense. And, I will not stand for someone disrespecting me either, without defense.
Well, he ran smack into that person who had been working and growing for the last twenty years. And, seeing how very small he had become was shocking. I hadn't noticed the lack of growth nor descent. I was far to busy working on me? I had thought much more of him than that. I had applied credits, where credits weren't due.
I have amended that. He will get only what he earns now. And he does work at it. So, that is good. Once he got a really good look in the mirror, he didn't like what he saw. Well, actually, I think he didn't like what everyone else saw too. And, he has stepped up to change that. I do respect that. And, so he does get a chance to do whatever it is he CAN do now. I suspect there are things that neither of us can ever change now. And, I will have to accept that in order to live with him? So, hopefully, what he CAN change is worth the trouble. That remains to be seen too.
In fact, though I was pretty darn strong before, but that will be nothing in comparison to the end of this. I do KNOW that. The marriage will never be the same. I do know that too. I had hoped that my endless optimism, boundless energy and hard work would pay off. Well, it did...for me personally...but not for the marriage. It takes two for that. And he was definitely not doing as he should have been.
So, I guess it's that thing of knowing what CAN be changed, and accepting the loss of what cannot? He pretty well destroyed all hope of a good sexual relationship with his antics. That has been hard to accept. And, he also destroyed the romantic part of the relationship..the one I thought was there...and wasn't? So, then what remains of the marriage is commitment, companionship, shared resources, and a certain weird comfort? Ahhh well!
I have some important things to attend to. They require a lot of energy. I have yet to recover enough energy to even begin. Had lots of decisions to make before taking action. I'm sure I will get on with it. Very slowly my energy is returning to me.
And, when I am energetic, I have things to do that have nothing to do with him, nor the marriage. Things for me alone...as a separate person. Changes for me personally. I had little time to attend such things. I was far too busy with family life and self-imposed responsibility. But, with his decisions, he freed me from many things and many responsibilities I held myself accountable for. I am thinking my way to a path of self-gratification. He will be impacted, but he'll have to adjust just as I have adjusted to the losses?
My h would be well advised to accept that truth. That is pretty much what happened to me. And...this is his "last" chance to do right...if he's capable...and who knows if an addict is capable? Soooo...for me...slip equals done. I have already been considerate. I have already let him make his own choices. I have already remained a good and supportive wife. I have been kind. I have been considerate. This was the third return to his obsession. So...now...in the present...I "know" beyond any doubt that he is well aware of the damage his behavior induces... I have informed him clearly regarding the kiind and scope of damage his behavior brings. I have informed him of what I will do if he fails to be considerate of that. and if he "can" do those things and live with himself...I will also "know" that he is a sociopath with little if any conscience. And I will do as anyone must do with that...stay away from it.
I am cautious. I have been traumatized by this man more than once. He may well traumatize me one more time...but when he does...he is insuring that he will "never" do it again. I know that he "knows" that now. I made sure of it. I told my Xh that...he didn't believe me. I did exactly as I promised...I divorced him. That was the finest thing I could do for me. Stop the trauma. Halt the sociopath. I haven't laid eyes on him in over twenty years. I have no desire to ever. I know what comes of progressive sociopathic behavior. And, I am not going to be the recipient for that...for love...marriage...or anything else.
So again, I will admit that I am a hardnose. I have been used, abused, beaten, lied to, taken advantage of and degraded. And since I have...I know what I don't like...and I know how to stop it. If my H can't...or won't stop it...I will.
On the other hand, if your H has been living a sober life, then I am wondering why you are still battling this in your mind. We have all been traumatized by this, but that is what our recovery is about...about healing from the trauma, developing healthy boundaries and learning to put the focus back on us and doing what is in our highest regard while developing a deeper connection to our guidance.
You are right in that I wonder sometimes if and when relapse might occur...and if and when I would know it.... and I do want to remain prepared for it as best I can. I don't ever want to enter that depth of shock again. That was a quite medically dangerous situation and I don't care to repeat it. I hope that's impossible. I suspect that it became impossible as soon as it happened. I really think that once shocked to that level, the same type of occurance can't quite reach that depth. But, I'm not sure. I know that is an attempt to avoid more trauma. And who doesn't attempt to avoid trauma?
About avoidance.... I broke my arm once, both forearm bones at the same time. Quite physically traumatic and limiting. Very painful, and rebuilding both the bones and muscle structures after took a long time. I was constantly irritated with a cast that limited my arm's mobility. I couldn't do things as I once did for a long time. It hurt. It itched. It irritated. I would also like to avoid doing that if I can. I don't rollerskate anymore. However, if rollerskating was my career, I might have been inclined to take precautions and rollerskate anyway. I broke those bones that way. So, I avoid rollerskating entirely because rollerskating is not a high priority in my life.
I also know that to entirely avoid the possibility of recurrence of this emotional trauma, and related physical trauma, at some level, I would have to leave the situation entirely. I knew that immediately. Or I could calculate the risks, and determine the scope of the risk and if the slight possibility of prevention and whether or not it's worth it. There is a huge difference in the scope of a recurrence for me and someone else. Because the scope is dependent on the behavior of the SA. Fantasy is quite different from physical adultry. So, the risks are less for me...at this time...I think...because my H never reached the level of physical adultry. At least I don't believe it ever did. My Xh did...and the risks to my physcial health were not acceptable to me. Not worth it at all.
I have been told over and over for past three years, read the books I was referred to, and absorbed the experts reminders that an SA is always an SA. And, that there is always the possibility they will relapse into their previous behaviors or worse. Actually, from an entirely statistical view, it is most likely that will happen. I heard them. I accepted that possibility. Because, both the warnings of the authors and my past experience supports that possibility. That brought me to the conclusion that I will always have to remain somewhat on guard and prepared for that possibility if I am to remain in the shaky situation. That's why I said that I pondered many possibilities and decisions. I know that skating is not that important to me. I just gave up the skating rather than risk injury. Apparently my marriage is important enough to risk. Well, I know it is...because my behavior indicates that I am here. My risk...entirely my decision.
I've said many times that reading those authors was both valuable and detrimental. Before I read them, I felt more hopeful and more safe. My beliefs about chosen behavior was quite different than they are now. After i read them, I felt the need for preparation and guarded vulnerability. Thats good...and it's bad. For instance...I live in southern California. I know that it is earthquake country. I have lived through several very large and destructive earthquakes. I know that the experts and authorities have said it is wise to be prepared as it is very likely to occur again. Statistics indicate it is most likely to occur again. They repeat it often. I have lived through them periodically. I acknowledge that truth.
So, I keep extra fresh water around. Some extra food. Flashlights and the like. I can't never prevent an earthquake, but taking them into consideration, I can make some preparation for a possible event. I can't prevent that any more than I can prevent a relapse. All I can do is prepare somewhat for that event, without it being my main focus...if I'm going to risk living here. There are benefits to living in southern California. The weather is most often great. The scenery gorgeous. There are ususally many economic opportunities. I have lived here most of my life. My famility lives here. A very long list of benefits of living in So Cal and a very long list of benefits of living with my h too. Both, it seems, requires some preparation for disaster. I think Mr. Carnes would agree?
Regarding boundaries. I know that my H was very aware, and is very aware, that his behavior was breaching marital boundaries. Those particular boundaries that were included in our wedding vows have not changed. There was the very slight possibility that he refused to accept secret lust and lies as a breach of those boundaries. I have enlightened him again as a precaution regarding my interpretation of those vows. I have informed him once again about what is and is not acceptable to me. I have restated them to refresh his memory. A little dose of overlearning?
I have instilled some new ones as well. Boundaries that limit how he can communicate with me and what is unacceptable. Boundaries that limit his use of our computer at home. Boundaries that include more commincations about his whereabouts. Boundaries that restrict withholding information and outright lies. Boundaries about his drinking. Lots of little boundaries. So, the original boundaries have been restated. New boundaries instilled. But, like the original boundaries, just because I state them, does not mean he will honor them does it? And, historically, he hasn't. So, the boundaries are there to protect the relationship. And, I hope that he will honor them. Hope? That is all I can do. I can restrict what I "see"...and, it is all I could have ever done...and still did do. I didn't have to learn what healthy boundaries are. I was already acknowledging them and honoring them. What remains to be seen is if he is both willing and able?
You said "if your H has been living a sober life." Wach, I have to honestly convey that "If" is mighty large word to digest in light of a multitude of lies, hiding, and deception isn't it? If? I didn't know for at least eight years that he was hiding. "If" I had suspected anything I would have. I didn't check on him, so I didn't know. Had I looked at his profile on our computer...I would have known. Very simple to do "if" I had mistrusted him. But, I didn't.
During that same time frame, I didn't object to his playing in a band...in bars...and private parties...without my presence sometimes either. And, I think most everyone knows the negative connotations regarding musicians? Nor going out of town with his freinds for music festivals. He was "quite" out of my sight...and therefor out of any control or boundaries for his behaviors. Trust? I was letting him live his life...enjoy his pasttimes, be all he could be. Even though I had been injured before that way, and even though he had been caught with porn prior to that trust, I offered trust and freedom to choose his behavior without my attempting to control him...or the results of his decisions. And, if I had checked on him, I would have been classified as a codependent...wouldn't I? But I wasn't was I?
I don't check now either. Not after I was satisfied that I had addressed the scope and danger of his behavior. I did need to know that to calculate the personal risk. I think that is called offering trust and letting him make his own decisions? And, reserving my right to react to those decisions once revealed? So...I still feel that it is a calculated risk for me...or anyone. When I married my H, there was also a calculated risk. There always is the possibility that one or the other will breach isn't there? In fact, these days, that happens more often than not? At that time, I didn't have repetitive experienceof marital negative behavior to calculate into the risk factors. It was easier to maintain hope, trust and faith where it had not been dashed already. Had it been, it is also statistically likely for me that I wouldn't have accepted the risks or would have mitigated them? Each time he breached my trust, my willingness to offer it reduced? Or my ability to offer it without apprehension reduced. I think that is very logical. Am I wrong there?
My focus is on me. He is free...and always was free...to do anything he feels is right. I am free to discuss my feelings perhaps more so now than ever. That is good. I've come to some new revelations about that. I've put a lot of thought to my situation and many factors. I already had healthy boundaries...I kept them. I think that determining what is in our highest regard is an ongoing daily effort. It alwas was...and it will always be. Life changes, risk factors change, committment changes, feelings change...situations change.
I am allowing time to see at what level I am able to trust now with new factors and knowledge in place. How much of those factors may feel less imposing. And at what level I can feel comfortable with those heightened risks. And what if anything I can do to reduce the risks... I employ....like wearing a helmet on a motorcycle...not nearly as free..but less risky? An exchange of wind in my hair...for protection of my head? And many other things.
What may be calculated as my highest regard at one time, may not be true of another. At this particular time, and with the knowledge currently avaialable...I feel that is in my highest regard to allow time. And, it feels also to be in my highest regard to remain somewhat guarded. I don't feel safe enough to throw all cautions to the wind. And, I don't feel safe enough to feel quite as open as I once did either. I accept that. And, I live with those possibilities, just like I live in So Cal. I have a litttttle apprehension about earthquakes...but not enough to induce me to leave just yet. A huge devastating earthquake where I sustain personal damage might well affect that decision as to what is in my highest regard?
And...I have sooome apprehension about relapse...but not enough to leave just yet. And, I reserve the knowledge and realization that I feel the need to remain a little prepared, which induces me to remain a little less vulnerable than I once was....a little less trusting...and a little more guarded. I am not as willing to be quite as vulnerable...because the risk factors have escalated. And being very aware of how I feel, and what I feel is necessary at this place in time, is in my highest regard. My internal guidance didn't enlighten me to my Hs subtrofuge. Perhaps it will now? However, I feel like if I remove all thought...all possibility...that something could happen...would I then be able to see it? I'm not sure of that. So, I seek to remain with my eyes quite open...and risk factors acknowledged...while enjoying the Ca sun?
I don't like the feeling of newfound risk. I didn't like the feeling of a cast on my arm protecting it until it could heal and be used normally again. But, it was necessary at that time. I'm not sure what the cast is for the healing of my heart. I can't see it. I can't touch it. But, I do know it's there. I felt the discomfort when I couldn't use my arm in it's regular capacity. Each time I went to use it, I was reminded that is was broke and currently unusable. I had hope it would heal and become normally usable again. So, I endured the loss of it's use and the constant reminder via the cast... until it once again was as useful as it ever was. And because it was broken only once...and not a dozen time...it was most likely...statistically to heal and become normally useful. Had I thrown caution to the wind...and broke it over and over...the normal usage factor is less likely to occur.
And, I don't like that an SA is always an SA either. I don't like the feeling of risk that imples. And I don't like the risk or the cast that repetitive experience induces either. However, I do acknowedge those are the facts at hand. So...I wear the cast on my heart...and I hope in time it can heal enough to be less restricting. And I do seek to have it not broken again...because it hurts...and because each time I risk losing it's normal function.
Does that make sense?