Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Ok ladies. I'm embarrassed to even type this but here goes. Back in mid-August 2009 I ordered 34 Viagra pills at 100 mg dose for my husband and I for his ED. In late December he told me he was out of pills. Now the normal dose for a man to take is 50 mg which means after splitting the pills in half, DH should've had 68 pills total!!!!
We have been having problems in our marriage and sex has been every 2-3 weeks for a long period of time. In fact just before Christmas Eve we had not had intercourse in 5 straight weeks! Maybe I'm paranoid but I tend to write down when DH and I have sex because I am having trust issues with him and Internet porn. Since the pills arrived in September we might've had sex 6-8 times max. Whenever there are stress issues with DH's work or his stepchildren and I aren't getting along we pretty much have a sexless marriage.
Here's the kicker. I confront DH about this and he acted like some of the pills must've slid out of his suitcase when we went on vacation. Um our vacation was July 4th weekend 2009 prior to the new batch of pills. Try again. So DH says sometimes he takes a pill in hopes we'll have sex then it just doesn't happen. Ok fine. Say he takes 1-2 pills a week in that frame of mind that still means there are roughly 34 pills missing given from September to December there are about 16 weeks in that time period. Now my math can't be all that bad plus when DH takes the Viagra his face tends to flush beet red.
Why would any man swallow that many pills and NEVER tell his wife he was "in the mood?" I did talk to DH's best friend and he told me he would KNOW if my DH were cheating on me as they've been best friends for over 30 years and not to worry on that one. This guy knows my devotion to my DH and wouldn't lie to me. He often tells me my DH is a fool not to stand up for me to his stepchildren and he can sense my unhappiness in the marriage from being denied sex almost like a punishment technique--so wrong!
The only thing I can think of is that my DH is jacking off to porn while I sleep and has to use the Viagra pills to get and keep an erection. Those pills cost over $100 and I bought them with my own money and didn't even get the benefit of their use. I'm so disheartened at this point. DH is acting like it's a chore to have sex with me yet I took what he said months ago to heart and stopped initiating sex with him because he claims it was a "turn off" and it got me nowhere. He claims he wanted sex, swallowed the pills yet never said a word to me about it. Viagra lasts about 4 hours after it takes effect and I'm not a mind reader! Without my husband coming to me with a boner or dropping hints, I am clueless. Normally our intimacy falls on the weekends as DH's work schedule keeps us from having relations during the week unless I stay up late and lose a lot of sleep.
I recently got diagnosed with Periodic Limb Movement Disorder where my legs and arms move 20 or more times an hour and my body is getting maybe 1-2 hours of deep REM sleep a night. It's as if I never slept and my health is failing. Yet despite all this I have NOT lost my sex drive. I just feel really disappointed that there is some secret my DH is holding. I just don't believe he could take that many pills and never initiate sex with me. Am I wrong in thinking this?
I don't want to order more Viagra for him. I want him to buy it himself if he's going to waste it on someone other than me whether it's a porn girl online or some tramp he's met elsewhere. Just a couple days ago he brought up the sex is a chore thing again and I thought "Ok, I can fix that. I can go another 5 weeks plus of no sex again and see what the real problem is."
The invisible man in the bedroom is still there too. I am so tired of my DH having to imagine some other man is having sex with me to get aroused, stay aroused and get off (which lately he isn't shooting his load if you get my drift). A woman knows when her man has FINISHED and he doesn't get there very often.
It's bad enough my health is failing but I am tired of being painted out to be some sex craved wife who is doing overkill. I survived 5 weeks of NONE and can do it again. I just hate I have no one I can really talk to about this in my social circle and am thankful for you ladies here. What do you think is going on with my DH? I am so worn thin. I see my psychiatrist on Monday because they think my periodic limb movement disorder has both neurological and respiratory issues to the point I need a 15+ minute appointment to go over my test results in detail from my sleep apnea study I took in December. I know something's up because my nurse practitioner would not call me on her vacation time between Christmas and New Year's to tell me it's critical I get in to see her.
I just want to cry. I feel like my DH and I will never have a normal sex life as long as he refuses to get help and we have other issues going on in the marriage as well that cause me stress. Please offer me some input and ideas on how to cope. I thought of rationing pills of the Viagra but then DH would call me a control freak. Sigh.
We have been having problems in our marriage and sex has been every 2-3 weeks for a long period of time. In fact just before Christmas Eve we had not had intercourse in 5 straight weeks! Maybe I'm paranoid but I tend to write down when DH and I have sex because I am having trust issues with him and Internet porn. Since the pills arrived in September we might've had sex 6-8 times max. Whenever there are stress issues with DH's work or his stepchildren and I aren't getting along we pretty much have a sexless marriage.
Here's the kicker. I confront DH about this and he acted like some of the pills must've slid out of his suitcase when we went on vacation. Um our vacation was July 4th weekend 2009 prior to the new batch of pills. Try again. So DH says sometimes he takes a pill in hopes we'll have sex then it just doesn't happen. Ok fine. Say he takes 1-2 pills a week in that frame of mind that still means there are roughly 34 pills missing given from September to December there are about 16 weeks in that time period. Now my math can't be all that bad plus when DH takes the Viagra his face tends to flush beet red.
Why would any man swallow that many pills and NEVER tell his wife he was "in the mood?" I did talk to DH's best friend and he told me he would KNOW if my DH were cheating on me as they've been best friends for over 30 years and not to worry on that one. This guy knows my devotion to my DH and wouldn't lie to me. He often tells me my DH is a fool not to stand up for me to his stepchildren and he can sense my unhappiness in the marriage from being denied sex almost like a punishment technique--so wrong!
The only thing I can think of is that my DH is jacking off to porn while I sleep and has to use the Viagra pills to get and keep an erection. Those pills cost over $100 and I bought them with my own money and didn't even get the benefit of their use. I'm so disheartened at this point. DH is acting like it's a chore to have sex with me yet I took what he said months ago to heart and stopped initiating sex with him because he claims it was a "turn off" and it got me nowhere. He claims he wanted sex, swallowed the pills yet never said a word to me about it. Viagra lasts about 4 hours after it takes effect and I'm not a mind reader! Without my husband coming to me with a boner or dropping hints, I am clueless. Normally our intimacy falls on the weekends as DH's work schedule keeps us from having relations during the week unless I stay up late and lose a lot of sleep.
I recently got diagnosed with Periodic Limb Movement Disorder where my legs and arms move 20 or more times an hour and my body is getting maybe 1-2 hours of deep REM sleep a night. It's as if I never slept and my health is failing. Yet despite all this I have NOT lost my sex drive. I just feel really disappointed that there is some secret my DH is holding. I just don't believe he could take that many pills and never initiate sex with me. Am I wrong in thinking this?
I don't want to order more Viagra for him. I want him to buy it himself if he's going to waste it on someone other than me whether it's a porn girl online or some tramp he's met elsewhere. Just a couple days ago he brought up the sex is a chore thing again and I thought "Ok, I can fix that. I can go another 5 weeks plus of no sex again and see what the real problem is."
The invisible man in the bedroom is still there too. I am so tired of my DH having to imagine some other man is having sex with me to get aroused, stay aroused and get off (which lately he isn't shooting his load if you get my drift). A woman knows when her man has FINISHED and he doesn't get there very often.
It's bad enough my health is failing but I am tired of being painted out to be some sex craved wife who is doing overkill. I survived 5 weeks of NONE and can do it again. I just hate I have no one I can really talk to about this in my social circle and am thankful for you ladies here. What do you think is going on with my DH? I am so worn thin. I see my psychiatrist on Monday because they think my periodic limb movement disorder has both neurological and respiratory issues to the point I need a 15+ minute appointment to go over my test results in detail from my sleep apnea study I took in December. I know something's up because my nurse practitioner would not call me on her vacation time between Christmas and New Year's to tell me it's critical I get in to see her.
I just want to cry. I feel like my DH and I will never have a normal sex life as long as he refuses to get help and we have other issues going on in the marriage as well that cause me stress. Please offer me some input and ideas on how to cope. I thought of rationing pills of the Viagra but then DH would call me a control freak. Sigh.
I do know that I have been present when he felt stressed like that...during a job issue.. and he flushed beet red then too. So, that makes it more confusing for me. Any other signs apparent other than flushing? This stuff has really made me feel crazier than in loon!
Cyn: We too have had sexual problems since (and before) the onset of my discovering his porn thing. I THINK the reason after was that I felt tense, embarrassed, angry and often would cry and the like. I was so embarrassed for him to even be in the room if I was dressing...much less naked and sexually vulnerable. So emotionally painful.
And by the way, I always felt that porn and masturbation was infidelity. Just because he didn't go out and actually do it...if in fact he didn't...didn't mean that wasn't what he was thinking about. He says that it wasn't...that just the images of sexual content were enough to get it up...and off.
But, if that is so, then why not just come to me. Like you...my sex drive was generally more demanding than my H. I put it off to alcohol and BP medicine too. He was terribly upset about losing his erection the minute he attempted penetration...he was mostly ok as long as it was a handjob unless he had drank too much...then nothing at all would work.
I've read some about that from the SA info. And, I've read some recently in the psych's manual for diagnosis of mental disorders. Apparently, that can happen from medical issues, porn issues, psycholgical issues too. So, it didn't clearly rule out possibilities...but did offer some reasons.
So, if that was true, the medical thing... then why would he seek masturbation alone rather than approach me openly...and his doctor openly...with the problem. Embarrassment? I don't know and now never can know...one of the many questions that always hang in limbo. And, if it was just to get up and off quickly, then I had to ask myself why he saw an article on a porn star in Germany running for public office, (while he was at work) then immediately sent her a friend request on MySpace.
He alternately said that it was just curiosity (whatever that means)...then that he wanted to see her naked. Boobies and butt thing...admire the body...whatever. I know that he just wanted to say whatever hurt me the least...because he feared I would divorce him if the pain was great enough. And because this had hurt me sooo much, I really thought I might have a heart attack and die. I'm no younster.
But, whatever he said...I know that it was because he found her attractive and he wanted to see her naked...hopefully in the context of sexual activity. Sooo, so much for getting to the truth. I only know to accept what my gutt says...that he found her attractive and wanted to see much more.
I don't know if he ever talked to anyone...he swears he didn't....only viewing...but then? It would have been much easier, and I told him so, to just say the truth and let it hurt me as it should rather than try to come up with a less painful lie...once more. More insult...more injury. More lies. More inability to trust that he can tell the truth and take the consequences...whatever they are. Cyn...I so admire your strength. You'll never know how much. Thanks for trying to help.
I am so sorry that you are feeling the way you are and you are not crazy!
Try this, go back and read your post and imagiane it is from someone that you don't know and she was asking your advice and then reply to it. Sometimes things look clearer through other peoples eyes.
I agree with you that although these discussions are very, very personal and sometimes very explicit there is always something I can identify with or relate to and if anything I don't feel alone. My h will never understand all of the effects this has had in every facet of my life nor I will ever be able to truly feel and understand him and his torment. We did have a tender moment this morning and I was questioning whether he was present with me and he was so genuine that I could tell the difference from what he used to be and I was comfortable for just that time. As soon as it was over MY insecurities crept right back in and the 200 ghosts I feel I am in competition with started haunting me. And you and I have talked about this before, for my age I am great with myself but when I know that they are looking or touching younger, pretty women I just lose my self esteem because altho great for my age, I can never be what I was and I miss that. I am the one with that issue. SheenRe, thank you for the compliment. I don't feel very strong at all but I do believe that every person who is crushed with this and works to come through it has an inner strength they may not even be aware of. Your being totally real with me and others on here shows great strength. Although you all on here don't know my face, trust me, you know me better than almost anyone else in the world right now and I take comfort in that. Thanks y'all as we say in Texas.
I did do that with my X. And I learned that wasn't a good thing at all. I not only learned to hate him...I learned to hate me too. And that is just no good at all. Took a long time to decide who to throttle...him...or me. I finally decided neither. So, I didn't. I just never do things that I don't personally like in the bedroom...ever. And I haven't for nearly thirty years...and for that...I am both grateful...and proud that I took care of me...at least that way.
The things I did for my current H...for HIM...not for me...were because I loved him and I knew that he liked it and I thought that it made him feel special and that he was grateful. When I saw that it wasn't special at all and he just went on viewing the crap...I became unwilling to go there at all. Even thinking of it gives me the heebie-jeebies! Don't want an anger attack...and that will reallllly do it. Nuf said!
So, I doubt I will ever find any reason to do so again. He may get cake...but icing...not likely. I've found a distinct distaste for some things. And, I don't do things that upset me that way...ever...ever...ever. So, that's the upside of this for me. Yep...there is one. Hope to find lots more!
Hope you all do too.
Let me clarify, the HJ he does to himself (I certainly don't do it for him), and the oral stopped for me about 6 months ago when I realized that he couldn't even use pentration without losing his erection.. I was trying to point out that my BF has no concept of true closeness or intimacy. It's all about the voyarism, if you will...
Sounds like many similar stories in the "losing of erections before penetration". I wish I would have known that correlation earlier. took about two years of blaming the alcohol. I think I would have looked closer...oh who am I kidding...I would have given a different excuse to myself.