Am wondering that also. My SA has been in individual therapy for 7-8 months now. He says he has no desire to "act out" anymore. He also attends an addict support group, though he travels and has not gone to any other than the meeting here. His therapist has suggested that he need be aware that the ugly head of desire will raise its head and he needs not to be smug and to have a sponser's number ready to call. I'm trying just to listen but not comment.

From what I know and have been professionally told by SA therapist the answer is "No". They learn to control the addiction as to not act out yet the thoughts and desire is always there. Those who do not relapse at some time, if not repeatedly, the percentage rate is said to be 5% for a 100% recovery. This is only my experience others may have different information although if you research it you will find that this percentage is pretty spot on. If seeing therapist ask them (I have been told about the same info from two different SA therapist).

There are a number of schools of thought about this. This is an addiction, regardless of what some people believe and really there is not "cure" for an addiction. Recovery is really life long. It needs to be addressed on many different levels both metaphysically and spiritually as well as emotionally and relationally.

It takes a great deal of work on the part of the addict and he/she must want to recover for their own sake and no one else's

My H's therapist says that this is one of the toughest addictions to kick, but it can be done so as long as an addict is in recovery then there is always hope.

I highly suggest visting recoverynation as well to read up on how both addicts and spouses can each individually go through their own recovery process as well as a couple.

In the meantime, as spouses, we must learn to return the focus back to ourselves. I highly recommend reading "Your Sxually Addicted Spouse...." by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means and visit their website as well. Both links are listed below:

www.recoverynation.com

www.awomanshealingjourney.com

They learn to control the addiction as to not act out yet the thoughts and desire is always there.

This is unequivocally not true!

The lustful thoughts are caused by acting out. Acting out caused the brain chemistry to become imbalanced with an overload of dopamine. It's the chemical imbalance that is really at the root of the addiction and the act or thoughts are the catalyst.

Once sobriety takes hold which can take weeks or months depending on the length of the addiction, the brain chemistry begins to change and the addict is able to refocus their intent.

I'm not sure where you are getting this information, but it is either taken out of context or incomplete.

Also, there are varying degrees of this addiction just like any other addiction. The far extreme would be to the point of breaking the law and risking one's life. One would have to be sober for quite some time before a person at this high risk could have a fair psychiatric evaluation, but addicts at this end of the spectrum often are suffering from and underly personality disorder.

Other addicts, those who are addicted to prn/mb are often in avoidance of some unresolved trauma from childhood and the addiction is one way to avoid any emotional feeling that they deem to overwhelming for them. It takes many months and years of therapy to become emotionally strong again, but it is very possible.

Please read valid information from reliable resources before making any judgements regarding recovery.

I highly recommend reading anything by Patrick Carnes, Pia Melody and Melodie Beattie just to name a few.

As spouses, we are all very traumatized by this addiction, and filling oneself up with false information just fuels the trauma even more. So educate yourself as best you can before making any judgments about recovery for the addict and for the spouse.

Well W I say we must agree to disagree. I have my information from one of the most respected SA therapist in this state. He disagrees with you. I have read valid information from reliable sources. I make no judgements believe me . If an addict and spouse can work it out I am all for it . Been there and tried it. I have spoken with many spouses of addicts and all agree that while in recovery their spouses had relapses. None could say any different. Yes the degree of the addiction can make a difference in many areas as to recovery and how a addict recovers and a spouse reacts. The fact is I have been told this by 2 SA therapist and read it in several places that are quite legit. The chances of not having a relapse are much improved if the addict does work a program, seeks individual as well as marriage counseling, and avoids triggers. The problem is the majority of addicst never start this or if they do they are not honest in treatment or with their spouses or do not follow through with their program . The lustful thoughts are what cause the addict to act out If he was not having the lustful thoughts he would never go the computer/bookstore or seek out other sexual partners to name a few..Those thoughts and the feelings associated with the addiction are what causes the addiction to progress The addict has more frequent thoughts thus more acting out to achieve the desired affect. If he did not have the thoughts he wouldn't act out. Yes they learn there is a rush from the behavior thus the release of dopamine. So wachit has her readings and therapist and I have mine. I guess what it boils down to is do you wait and hope for the best. Hopefully you are in the few I have been told do fully recover,.Who deal with the root of the problem, work a program and can learn to retrain their thought patterns. Really good luck and blessings to all.

Melissa - I hope you read through some of the threads that I have reposted. There is a lot of good information there from reputable experts.
Also, I have never sat and waited and hoped for anything to happen since D day. I deciced that I needed to get help and I did and will do anything to achieve a healthy life and a return to the values I cherish even if that means I have to end my marriage and I have come to terms with that.
I also would hope that you can see that we are all here as a support system for each other so blessing to you as well.

Thank you so much for your input. I am trying to decide if my relationship is worth salvaging. We are seperated at this time. We broke up once before because of this addiction. So I will educate myself and before I decide.

My therapist also said that full recovery was in the minority. I have a great deal of faith in programs such as recoverynation but the figures for complete recovery from any program are not high. That is simply the reality according to the specialists who have spoken to me. Those specialists include a forensic psychiatrist, a CSAT and my own counsellor. Low stats do not mean never but I believe it does us no good to live in lala land and we may as well be realistic when assessing the chances.

As for whether lust drives the acting out or vice versa, there may be some sort of a neurological feedback loop. So acting out will raise the libido which will lead to more "lustful" thoughts which will lead to more acting out. Stopping one will usually lead to a reduction in the other. Thus, if an addict can utilize techniques that control the acting out, they will usually see a reduction in intensity and number of "compelling" thoughts and urges.

Some SAs seem to overcome those urges completely but for the majority, even the so-called success stories, there is a lifelong struggle of periodically greater or lesser intensity. It is probably not a straightforward chicken or egg story although ceasing all acting out should, in theory, at least bring the majority of the urges down to a more manageable level. At this time, despite the claims for success, the cures for so-called "process addictions" are not as good as for other types of "addictions". This includes eating disorders, SA, gambling addictions and so forth.

If my H had had a less severe form of the addiction, that say, lacked some of the acting out behaviors that included stuff that was dangerous to himself and others around him as well as some of the legal issues, I might have taken the chance. I cannot predict how he will go. Will he be in the minority or the other? Most likely he will have a lifelong struggle with possible slips and relapses and hopefully he can avoid harming anybody if that happens. But given the odds and taking into account the consequences of any slips he may have, I'm selfish enough not to want either myself or my children in the direct line of fire of that. Had his "addiction" been confined to pornography or issues that I considered to be less harmful, I might have persevered.

I think we all have to weigh this up for ourselves in the light of our own personal circumstances taking into account the severity and type of acting out our SAs were into, our family situations, our support networks and our own personal willingness to take the consequences, whatever they may be. One of those things to think about is the prognosis and in spite of the wonderful success stories, the reality for most is not so great. By itself, that doesn't have to put us off but I don't believe that painting rosy pictures serves us very well.

Conniption - My H's therapist specializes in this type of addiction, among other kinds of addictions. She herself is a recovering addict of over 30 years. She says this type of addiction is the worst kind to have, but not impossible to overcome. For the addict that means having hope in spite of slips and relapses.
My H has said that most addicts (himself included) have an all or nothing attitude meaning that if they do slip or relapse they assume that means that they have failed at recovery and then they just go back to old habits. Overcoming that feeling takes a lot of work on the part of the addict and for those who work hard success is very possible. My H knows quite a few addicts from the various groups he attends, as well as his sponsor who have been sober for many years, but they never become complacent and that is really the most important factor.

Well put conniption. There are no guarantees and all of those things that you mentioned are to be taken into account for everyone's own decision.

http://purifyinggrace.com/sex-addiction-help/the-addiction-noose-as-a-way-of-looking-at-the-addictive-cycle/

Is it appropriate to openly discuss the types of acting out behavior here? And while the man I love is not my husband, we were in a serious relationship with discussions of marriage before I first knew of his issues. Once confronted, he openly admitted that he had a problem and had been in councelling off and on throughout the years. He promised to get help and that it would not happen again. Since I was not educated about SA, I believed him and we tried again. We had a happy and fulfilling relationship until I had to travel for a family emergency. Then, he says, he become sad and lonely and that kicked him into a relapse. I took it personally as a statement of the state of our relationship and broke it off with him. He became suicidal and hospitalized himself, is now on a different meds regimen and contiues councelling. I now am seeing a therapist to deal with my loss. He was my best friend before we were lovers. I trusted him with my soul because we were so close. Everything else about him is wonderful. I hope in the very least I will be able to mend our friendship. At most, of course, I want our life back. I see I will have to, with time, therapy, education and open discussion, decide what can be salvaged. I would like to be his friend right now, as I know he is as sad as I am, not to mention dealing with the guilt. But I recognize I need to take care of me first. I really hate this.

Thanks Weary. I just listened to one of his podcasts and even tho I have heard some of this a hundred times, I'm going to have to hear it a hundred more times until it becomes a part of my belief system. I will be going back and referencing this infornation.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Your partner clearly has some serious emotional problems that are overwhelming to him. Being sad and lonely is a common thread that
runs through this addiction. My H has often relayed these feelings to me when I asked him why he did this...it was a way to escape feeling that way, but a very poor coping skill.

I highly recommend innerbonding.com. I personally have found this site as a great way to help me refocus my energy back to myself and help heal some unresolved trauma in my own life. My H also uses this as well.

These addicts are not bad people, they just made bad choices early on in life and once this addiction takes hold, it is a hard habit to break. I would venture a guess that the loss of this relationship along with coping with trying to beat this addiction was what lead to his breakdown, but good for him for getting help. Hopefully, he will slowly heal and you can still be supportive while healing yourself. Hugs!

Weary - Thanks for posting this link. I've never seen this before, but it is very comprehensive from a first-hand perspective and it is great information for both addict and spouse. Thanks again will be passing this on to my H.