spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
I'm really shocked about how little support there is out there for women in our situation. I was reading and searching online for support or any kind of helpful reading material and I am absolutly appalled as to how negative everyone is. The little guidance for the spouse and soooo much support for the OW and OC. We too are victims, yet we are supposed to welcome such a drastic, heartbreaking change in our lives? And do so with open arms? I just don't get it.
Before I found this group I tried seeking advice and support in the "Infidelity" group and most everyone made me feel like I was the one at fault. I felt defeated and devastated to say the least. No one can give true advice unless they have gone through this... felt this everlasting pain in the pit of their soul. No one gets it. I was told how "heartless" I was, how horrible of me to "deny this child his father."... I felt like I HAD to leave my H. That it was the "right" thing to do for this OC. No one cared about me as his WIFE, or even OUR children. It was ALL about the OC. I was ready to give up all hope until I was referred to this group.
I found this searching on the internet....
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110202154503AARyueI
I literally wanted to jump through my phone and hug the woman who wrote this... (I mean sometimes that's all I need, just one genuine hug) Everyone was so hard on her!! There was even an answer that said "Let's pray you don't have children and never will"... just because she couldn't welcome her H illegitiment child?! I just hate people! Who do they think they are?! This poor innocent, heartbroken woman being ridiculed for her feelings... Again... it was ALL about the OC. It brought tears to my eyes.... I feel her pain. I feel lonesome. I feel like there is no one there to listen and fully understand the extent of my/our pain!
My question is where are OUR rights? It really seems like our only right is to divorce these men. Our families don't even seem to matter. (especially to recovery services) The OW are rewarded for their irresponsibility with child support, heatlhcare, daycare costs... etc etc.... They have the upperhand. WE are the ones punished... There really should be some jurisdiction that protects a wife and her children in these disgusting situations. I mean we are LEGALLY married to these men, most of us have LEGITIMATE children with them.... yet that gets pushed aside like its nothing.
Aside from the love and support I receive here, I feel really defeated right now....If anyone knows of any helpful books, websites, anything... I would appreciate your advice. I really wish there was more support or even rights for spouses in these situations =(
Thank you for all the support shown in this group. The many friends who have helped me on my bad days, I appreciate every single one of you!
Before I found this group I tried seeking advice and support in the "Infidelity" group and most everyone made me feel like I was the one at fault. I felt defeated and devastated to say the least. No one can give true advice unless they have gone through this... felt this everlasting pain in the pit of their soul. No one gets it. I was told how "heartless" I was, how horrible of me to "deny this child his father."... I felt like I HAD to leave my H. That it was the "right" thing to do for this OC. No one cared about me as his WIFE, or even OUR children. It was ALL about the OC. I was ready to give up all hope until I was referred to this group.
I found this searching on the internet....
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110202154503AARyueI
I literally wanted to jump through my phone and hug the woman who wrote this... (I mean sometimes that's all I need, just one genuine hug) Everyone was so hard on her!! There was even an answer that said "Let's pray you don't have children and never will"... just because she couldn't welcome her H illegitiment child?! I just hate people! Who do they think they are?! This poor innocent, heartbroken woman being ridiculed for her feelings... Again... it was ALL about the OC. It brought tears to my eyes.... I feel her pain. I feel lonesome. I feel like there is no one there to listen and fully understand the extent of my/our pain!
My question is where are OUR rights? It really seems like our only right is to divorce these men. Our families don't even seem to matter. (especially to recovery services) The OW are rewarded for their irresponsibility with child support, heatlhcare, daycare costs... etc etc.... They have the upperhand. WE are the ones punished... There really should be some jurisdiction that protects a wife and her children in these disgusting situations. I mean we are LEGALLY married to these men, most of us have LEGITIMATE children with them.... yet that gets pushed aside like its nothing.
Aside from the love and support I receive here, I feel really defeated right now....If anyone knows of any helpful books, websites, anything... I would appreciate your advice. I really wish there was more support or even rights for spouses in these situations =(
Thank you for all the support shown in this group. The many friends who have helped me on my bad days, I appreciate every single one of you!
pinkpony66
I am sorry that so many have friends and people telling them they are wrong for not accepting the oc. I personaly have accepted him and have worked very hard at allowing my children to develope their own realtionships with him. It is very hard and I have been riding the illigitimate kid and affair roller coaster for over a year now but I want my marraige to work and my H has always been involved in oc life even though for 7 years it was secret. I get everybody saying that I am being to nice and accepting and that they could never ever deal with it. they would not want anyting to do with oc or h. I think if the courts were forcing the money out of us I would feel just as angy but since my H has been giving 1000 a month for years, most of those secretly I dont see as much of the financial hit. I do bleive that if the federal gov gives you money and they find out that you have been getting child support you will owe back pay. I knnow social securtiy will do that if you get a job and dont report it during a time when they are payinhg out. I personaly would look into it for those of you who feel the ow is on federal or state assistance.
amethyst80
I am three years into this and have not been on this site for awhile, I understand where you are coming from on the child support issue. My H and I have no common children ( I have three from my first marriage, he had one and the OC). My H get no credit for the care of my children, since I am suppose to get child support. The OW lied about her finances and gets almost half of my H tiny little check. I am left to pick up the pieces. However, I do not blame her for having a baby, I blame my H. He is the one who chose not to wear a condom, he was willing to risk it. It was his responsiblitly to protect himself and not rely on the words of a whore (she was sleeping with three men at the time). Yes she does have blame as well, but most of it is with my H. We do see the child everyweek and I am the one at this point in time pushing my H to get more time, he is not ready. I still can not stand seeing her or talking to her, I still do not trust my H, I still question his feelings for me and our family. But, there are more happy moments mixed in as well.
mommytojack
wow amethys I could not even ima gine the stress of financially caring for five children. Wish there were a way to prove she is lying. It seems like the just do not care about the us and our children ever. Who is going to pay for all my mental health recovery Our situation is just so different than child support by two divorce parents. Our situation shouli and not be treated the same in the court system. I am too the point where I just want to file custody so we dont pay so high, but mostly b/c I know she would freak and not let it happen
pinkpony66
I totaly blame my H for all of the pain that I am going through with the A and the oc. I think she was a whore for sleeping with a married man and that is her burden. One day when her son is old enough he will understand how it all went down. I figure her pain and punishment is yet to come and that is when her son is old enough to look at his mom and know that she created him out of whorish behavior.
deleted_user
I also researched and found no helpful topics that discusses the wife, our feelings and how we are couping with this bs. This totally sucks
pillar
This group really helped me during the hardest days of my life. I am happy to say I haven't been around. Must mean I'm really in a differeant place. A better place. And that's all we are looking for, knowing life gets better one way or the other. I heard all the negativilty as well. But now I hear the words of respect from some that I never expected. Those that don't understand..shouldn't. I would never wish this pain on any of them. But they also make me sad at times. They also don't have the same kind of love.
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