spouses and illegitimate children Community Group

Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.

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red0409 08/19/2011

I'm really shocked about how little support there is out there for women in our situation. I was reading and searching online for support or any kind of helpful reading material and I am absolutly appalled as to how negative everyone is. The little guidance for the spouse and soooo much support for the OW and OC. We too are victims, yet we are supposed to welcome such a drastic, heartbreaking change in our lives? And do so with open arms? I just don't get it.

Before I found this group I tried seeking advice and support in the "Infidelity" group and most everyone made me feel like I was the one at fault. I felt defeated and devastated to say the least. No one can give true advice unless they have gone through this... felt this everlasting pain in the pit of their soul. No one gets it. I was told how "heartless" I was, how horrible of me to "deny this child his father."... I felt like I HAD to leave my H. That it was the "right" thing to do for this OC. No one cared about me as his WIFE, or even OUR children. It was ALL about the OC. I was ready to give up all hope until I was referred to this group.

I found this searching on the internet....
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110202154503AARyueI
I literally wanted to jump through my phone and hug the woman who wrote this... (I mean sometimes that's all I need, just one genuine hug) Everyone was so hard on her!! There was even an answer that said "Let's pray you don't have children and never will"... just because she couldn't welcome her H illegitiment child?! I just hate people! Who do they think they are?! This poor innocent, heartbroken woman being ridiculed for her feelings... Again... it was ALL about the OC. It brought tears to my eyes.... I feel her pain. I feel lonesome. I feel like there is no one there to listen and fully understand the extent of my/our pain!

My question is where are OUR rights? It really seems like our only right is to divorce these men. Our families don't even seem to matter. (especially to recovery services) The OW are rewarded for their irresponsibility with child support, heatlhcare, daycare costs... etc etc.... They have the upperhand. WE are the ones punished... There really should be some jurisdiction that protects a wife and her children in these disgusting situations. I mean we are LEGALLY married to these men, most of us have LEGITIMATE children with them.... yet that gets pushed aside like its nothing.

Aside from the love and support I receive here, I feel really defeated right now....If anyone knows of any helpful books, websites, anything... I would appreciate your advice. I really wish there was more support or even rights for spouses in these situations =(

Thank you for all the support shown in this group. The many friends who have helped me on my bad days, I appreciate every single one of you!

jewel0472 08/19/2011

You nailed it on the head. It is so hard to find support for our situation. I've said the same thing too. The OW is rewarded for being a whore and the wife and her children are punished. Something needs to change other wise these type of people will keep doing what they're doing. Where is her punishment. I know they say to leave it in God's hands but I really struggle with that right now. I sometimes feel like I want to go up to her and just hit her until she feels the same pain I feel everyday because of her and my husbands actions. It's terrible to say and I know this but I really resent and don't like the other child right now and probably never will. I hate that she gave him my husbands last name even though he made it clear to her that he wanted nothing to do with the child. How in the hell is she going to explain that to her child when he's older. Um, yea. I am a selfish whore who slept with a married man, went off the pill so I would get pregnant to trap him, he tells me he wants no part of your life but I gave you his last name because I wanted you to be just as screwed up as me later in life.

I understand completely how you feel. I've been struggling this past week with the same issue. If I hear one more person tell me I'm a bad person because I don't want anything to do with the OC or that my husband is worthless because he chooses not to have a relationship with him, I'm going to scream. She made the choice to go off the pill and not say anything, she chose to get pregnant by a married man, she made the choice to keep the baby instead of adoption even after she knew he wanted nothing to do with the child. Where are all our choices as the betrayed spouse and legitimate children. We get none. We have to "roll with the punches" if we want to keep our marriage and family's together. Anyways, I'm sorry for going off. Just frustrated myself.

I would love to find a book to read about this type of situation. One where the couple has decided not to have contact with the OC and focus on rebuilding their marriage when it's been damaged almost beyond repair. I hope someone has some suggestions because I'm at my breaking point this week.

red0409 08/20/2011

Jewel- I could not agree more! I think the OW in my case knew exactly what she was getting herself into... although she didn't know he was married, she didn't even know him. He could have been anyone walking down the street! She didnt care that she got knocked up by Joe Blow...Sometimes when I think about how stupid and naive these women are it embarrasses me to even be the same species!
The OW is also is giving her son my h name... not just last, but making him his jr... changing his ENTIRE name and he's 3! Talk about fucking up your child!! I bet that kid ends up in prison. The way his stupid, ghetto psycho ass mom is... it would not surprise me!!
Everything just makes me sick! I wish there was some sort of justice for us as spouses and protection for OUR children!!

deleted_user 08/20/2011

Omgosh! Im so glad that someone else feels like me. My friend the other day tried to make me feel like shit. Saying, "the other women can say they dont want you around the child, & your h & d will have to go see the oc & ow themselves". That they are probably mad. That I shouldnt have bad feelings towards the other women & children that I should hate my husband & divorce him. Then introduce my child to these whores & their kids! WTF?!! I told her I have no record of any kind of violence on my record, I have never done a single thing to these whores for them to have any grounds of keeping them from us. Unfortunatly my husband wants these kids to have a dad. I mean, part of me feels like its the right thing to do, & another reason I dont want my daughter lookin at me when she's older & thinking i was a mean hateful person. (not that anyone who doesnt let these kids in their home is. bc i would be that person, i just dont think it really my place. FML! I JUST WANT TO SCREAM! I AM HIS FUCKIN WIFE & I HAVE TO DO THE RIGHT THING WHEN MY HUSBAND & WHORES WERE SO IRRESPONSIBLE!?!) I brought that up to my friend. People always say, These poor women decieved by that slime ball man" "those poor children that were the result of an affair!" "they didnt deserve it" Seriously?! WHAT ABOUT US?! THE WIVES? THE LEGITAMATE CHILDREN!!! DID WE DESERVE IT? DID OUR INNOCENT CHILDREN DESERVE IT? I DONT THINK SO! I swear we should all get together & write a book. Honestly, there are probably tons of women who need someone to talk to & they dont have anyone. I just found this page not too long ago & i've been dealing with the bs since 2008. im sorry if my language offends anyone. I would love to be friends with you ladies in the real world. No one around me understands. Either im a bad mom/wife/person for not letting my daughter know about her sisters or im a bad mom/wife/person for thinking about introducing her to them!!!! What are we sposed to do?

pinkpony66 08/21/2011

when you look at the oc do you feel hatred towards that child? or is it more when they are not around is it the thought of what they represent? I feel more negatively when I havent seen the oc child for a while but once I spend a little time with him and see how much my kids enjoy beign around him and he with them I dont feel bad, except when he calls my h dad. thats just too weird. i can see him and here him talk to my kids but calling my h dad is tough.

deleted_user 08/21/2011

I dont see them. My daughter doesnt know about them. I had told her, she had pictures of one. But now I dont bring them up & mine doesnt ask. She is only 4 1/2 but extremely smart. The first oc will be 3 beg of sept & the second oc, yes there are 2, 2 different whores, turned 1 this month. I dont feel hatred to the kids. I just wish it never happened. & i honestly wish their mothers would dissapear.

red0409 08/21/2011

Neither my H, myself or my children haven't met the OC and NEVER will. I personally hate everything about the situation including the OC... (do I feel bad for him? Kinda... but do I hate him? Yes) I hate his mother, I hate the fact that he drains my bank account every two weeks, I hate his name, I hate that he takes away soo much from my children in so many ways, I hate the way he looks, I hate how he was created, I hate that he will never go away, I hate ALL that he represents therefore I hate him. I have never felt sooo much hatred in my life. Maybe I am just some lunatic but I do not and don't think I will ever come to like this child. I am just not an excepting person I guess.
I just feel that we as WIVES, MOTHERS, SPOUSES and CHILDREN are so incredibly neglected in these situations. There should be something that protects us from these homewreckers. Our legally binding marriage doesn't mean shit! It didn't to our husbands and it doesn't to the law. These other women/children have exactly the same rights and are entitled to the exact same things as we are. Healthcare, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.... I'm sure they would even get our life insurance.... oh God, could you imagine? That's an entire different topic.
I agree with you broken... no need to apologize. We all should feel safe when expressing our feelings here. I totally understand everything you are saying. I wish I could be friends with ALL of you lovely ladies in the "real world"... its somewhat helpful to know we aren't alone and if anything we have an understanding shoulder to cry on. If a book was written I think it would be really helpful to women in our shoes. There is just SOOOO little for us, it gets extremely disappointing.

deleted_user 08/21/2011

Red~ None of us have met them either! Apparently tho its something thats going to be done soon. One of the OW is constantly calling for extra money & is actually filling thru the state for child support now (not that she will, she is on state assistance & i did some research, if she is on housing the state is going to take everything except 100.00 a month). I told my H to do the cs thru the state from day one, so she couldnt do it later. I actually have him on state child support now. Court ordered for my daugther. I left him after the 2nd whore & he wanted to act like an ass & clean out the checking account the moment his paycheck went in! Im not cancelling it either! If something happens im not going to be in that position again! Bc he's militarty we move around. Right now i live in my hometown bc he's deployed & have a job. But when we move with him i dont have a job until i can find one, so im not going to be without any money should he eff up again. & the life insurance?! i would fight those whores tooth & nail. If soldiers can make their parents the beneficiaries & wives not get shit then i know damn well those bitches arent getting a dime!!!! I would however let them have his social security whatever probably & i would probably put away a little for their college but their mothers wouldnt get a dime. Im working on my hatred, its just hard when there is so much pain. & the second one looks a lot like my daughter. that rips my heart out, but in some ways it helps kind of, its hard to hate a child that looks so much like your own. but i do wish these kids would just dissapear. i am trying tho. bc i know they wont go away. its hard bc from day one i was told my feelings were wrong, that i need to welcome these kids into my home, & befriend their mothers!!!! wtf?! & i believed this girl telling me these things bc her husband had an oc with an ow too. she is nuts & likes to manipulate ppl & gets off on makin other ppl feel bad. I hope things get better for you. Im prayin they do for me, my husband is coming home in about a week. Im excited to see him, i just cant think about those whores/illegitamate children. fml.

mommytojack 08/21/2011

there are not enough hours in day for me to find the time to reply to this like I really feel. this is a huge hot button for me. I have been in and out of court now three times watching this whore get all her rewards. I never knew how f-up the system was in this situation. She just sits there and watches the money pile up. Our whore is getting $1400 per month!!! I don't have a problem paying half of what it takes to take care of child... but we are paying more than half. We are paying her f-ing house payment for the next 18 yrs. This is not even what it is all about thought...its about my f-ing mental health!!!! who is helping me get through this mess and helping me survive the mental pain that me and my son are going to face the years to come. A part of me just want to file a motion to file for joint custody to make her a mental mess, but I don't think I could stand to take care of there kid for a second. Your title is a WONDERFUL TITLE TO A BOOK OR something. I have often wondered about writing to Maria Shriver for her help about changing the laws or for writing a book about our rights. I think about E. Edwards all the time...so many political women have left their husbands for this awful shit! Something has to change. We deserve mental health care and mental health care for our kids to get through this shit. I am so tired of the whores getting rewarded for this....the law is condoning that this is okay to do....it is so f-up!!!! sorry....this is a really hard topic for me. I keep saying I am going to do something about it but it is so hard. In my state you can sue big time for alienation-of-affection...but I don’t think I have a chance since I am still married to my H. In NC they still take it serious. I am still thinking of doing a small claim case for my medical and therapy bills just to make a point. I don’t care if I lose I just want her to feel like a whore. Sorry- I am so pissed about this-we really need to publish a book about the damage this does to us and our children.

bruseheart 08/22/2011

I am so feeling what you all are saying, These whores are being rewards, and in my opinions. She should not be get Full child support if she knowing gets involved with married man and get pregnant regeardless the man has to pay child support by the court system should show the wife some respect for the invasion of her marrige, which would automatically forfiet the OW from recieving 18 years of child support, Her ass should have that responsiblity for half of those years or aleast the payment will decrease as the child gets older. Maybe we are the one's who can petition it because we too are victims as much as these children. But these woman out there need to be held responsible for her part in Invading another woman's marraige which now has caused a financial burden on her family, This is why, I don't feel sorry for these sluts. But something does need to be done about these child support laws that give full child support to these grown ass woman who are out there sleeping around being irresponsible for themselves with other womens husbands. So this is a subject that pisses me off too. You do have the dead beat dad who don't pay crap but a married man, the law totally dismiss the injuried wife and her children, when dipping into your family finances to give to this slut who invaded your marriage and what toddler needs 1400.00 a month. And what makes this even more upsetting child support systems do not even "Care" how these woman spend the money. and knowing dam well half of it is not even spent on the child. It pays her rents, and her car note. My husband money should not be paying for her ass to be living better than I am. And I am clipping dam coupons now.

pinkpony66 08/22/2011

If any of your H have the option to take a pay decrease and receive the decreased amount in cash, you can go in to court to request a reduction. It sounds like so many of you are beign royally screwed. 1400 seems outragious. I thought my H paying 1000 each month plus bday, school shop, christmas was over the top. I figured if we went to court she would get a decrease due to his claimed income. I beleive she is on assistance and if the gov finds out she will owe back money. she doesnt want court and that is better for all of us. I am very sorry that the oc child brings on so much hatred and negative emotions. I feel like the odd man out by not feeling that towards oc but I am grateful that I dont. I have felt hatred towards others in my H life becuase of the A and oc and it is a very draining feeling.

red0409 08/22/2011

First of all im glad im not the only who feels so strongly about this situatuon! Something needs to be done!! But what can we do?

Mommytojack- I also think about Elizabeth Edwards and Maria Shriver. They left their husbands. I think being extremely wealthy and media attention/pressure plays a huge roll tho.. I remember watching John Edwards slut on Oprah at the time, and coming absolutely unglued!! My H was a cheater at the time but i didn't know about the OC of course. Im sooooooo disgusted in women like her!!!

I have heard about the alienation-of-affection. I have looked at it in UT in the past and think it would be more of a pain and money spent for little outcome (at least in my state) These women are welfare whores anyway.... we wouldnt get a dime out of them. Besides the money they DO have is ours anyway. It would be a good way to make her feel like a piece of shit that is for sure!!

I agree.. what toddler needs 1400 a month... even half of that I feel is to much. Clothing and food do not cost that much and it should be the mothers responsibility to put a damn roof over that childs head, not ours!!! She CHOSE that life so SHE needs to step it up and take responsibility!

Pinkpony- I htink that your idea for a pay decrease is a great idea, but it unfortunatly doesnt apply for everyone. Im not sure I understand that the OW would have to pay back because she is on assistance... The OW in our case is also on state assistance and she only makes $700 a month! The bitch doesnt even work 40hours a week! My H pays for pretty much everything for her and her kid! It makes me sick to think I might have to go back to work to help pay her bills!!! I know for a fact she recieves state assistance so I am curious as to what you are taking about. =) I think everyone expects us all to feel the way you do about the OC, I think every person and situation is different and none of us should have to feel a certain way. I am sure you dont get the grief we do because you are so excepting of the OC.

mommytojack 08/22/2011

I feel sorry for the other child...definately don't wish him any harm. I do not think I could handle having him in my life though and I could definatly not handle HER in any part of my life. The amount comes from how much you make...which is so wrong. It should be based on what it cost to take care of a child and only half!!! It should not be based on how much you make. We have NC with them and also decided to not help with any healthcare coverage so that is why it is so high. If we were to file for some custody it would go down. It is so messed up, I wish I had more time to figure out a way straighten out the f-up system

deleted_user 09/01/2011

words are not enough to really express the pain im going through right now..But God is so wise that i come to see this group of women. You all open my eyes to my rights as a wife and a mother,i will stand and fight even the system is not on our side.It helps me to be more confident in dealing w the ow and oc. God bless us all and i pray that we all be bless with the happiness and peace of mind that we deserve......

mommytojack 09/02/2011

I know -I almost want to file for custody to ruin all the money she is getting. I want her to feel pain. I am tired of paying her house payment. It is crazy. You are right Twins-god is the answer.

Blanca116 09/03/2011

Oh good, I finally found a place where I am not the minority in my feelings of Anger and resentment. After 13yrs of marriage, my husband had a 2yr affair with a co-worker, whom knew he was married with chiidren. He revealed it to me in the same sentence as the admission that she was pregnant with triplets! I had a double edged sword stabbed in my heart. I wish he would say to me, "hey I will do whatever it is you need me to do for us". Nope. Instead, he says, that he is going to be involved in their lives and it isnt their fault.
It isn't fair to me or our children. Forget her. She knew what she was doing. In fact she had a track record of sleeping with married men. To make matters even worse, this Whore and her kids are welcomed with open arms by my husband's family because they want to help raise their grandkids. WTF is that shit about?
The pain is to much to bear. It is betrayal of the worse kind. I have tried to be accepting of these kids, but to see them is a constant reminder of what he's done. I have combined feelings of resentment that they exist, jealousy that another woman had children with MY husband. How are we supposed to live knowing that there will Always be a connection between our spouse and the Other Woman? It's not like a one night stand where he admits fault then never sees the woman again. I don't want to share him with her or these other kids. What about the committment he made to me? Our children deserve to be first!
As far as lack of written material about this subject, I agree. There is only one book I have found and she calls it the Best Thing That Ever Happened To Her! Bullshit. This is the worse thing that has ever happened to me. When will someone get the courage to say it like it is?

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