spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
Is anyone else in a situation where there is no contact?
I figured if there was no child there would be no contact of course. So why does it matter that there is a child involved? It makes life complicated and messy but I feel a lot better knowing that he doesn't have any contact with her. That, in turn, helps my marriage and helps my children. She doesn't see it that way, but that is her problem. She moved 10 hours away (while she was pregnant) so we don't even have contact with the child. It's not because we don't want to, but because she doesn't want me involved. That is small minded and I don't need someone like that involved with myself or my husband. My husband, by the very definition and intention of marriage, does not get to have any sort of personal relationship with anyone that does not welcome my presence.
She is blocked from calling his phone, though we have had phone conversations where I was there but did not speak. That might have been a mistake, certainly a waste of time.
I leave the door open all of the time when I send checks or gifts to contact me so that we can be amicable but my sentiments are left unrewarded. Like I said, it isn't my problem.
The child has to live with the choices her mother has made. They were not my choices. My husband and I decided to put our marriage first, above all. (So many reasons for that)
I can't imagine the pain some of you ladies feel knowing that your husband is putting her demands over your feelings.
I figured if there was no child there would be no contact of course. So why does it matter that there is a child involved? It makes life complicated and messy but I feel a lot better knowing that he doesn't have any contact with her. That, in turn, helps my marriage and helps my children. She doesn't see it that way, but that is her problem. She moved 10 hours away (while she was pregnant) so we don't even have contact with the child. It's not because we don't want to, but because she doesn't want me involved. That is small minded and I don't need someone like that involved with myself or my husband. My husband, by the very definition and intention of marriage, does not get to have any sort of personal relationship with anyone that does not welcome my presence.
She is blocked from calling his phone, though we have had phone conversations where I was there but did not speak. That might have been a mistake, certainly a waste of time.
I leave the door open all of the time when I send checks or gifts to contact me so that we can be amicable but my sentiments are left unrewarded. Like I said, it isn't my problem.
The child has to live with the choices her mother has made. They were not my choices. My husband and I decided to put our marriage first, above all. (So many reasons for that)
I can't imagine the pain some of you ladies feel knowing that your husband is putting her demands over your feelings.
One more question with the no contact, did any of you tell your parents or your husbands parents about the OC and the affair? My husband has told his father who supports us and our decision to have no contact. But we haven't told my husbands mother as she has a boyfriend who loves to meddle. We are afraid he may convince my mother-in-law to be in the OC's life, this would ruin all the hard work we are trying to do to keep the OC and OW out of our lives.
Have a great day
Our situation has always differed from many here. While there were others with contact when I first joined in 2011, most active members now adhere to nc.
I found out about oc when he was 7 years old and my cs had already established a relationship with him.
My cs had a 3 year affair the ended shortly after she got pregnant. He spent the next 7+ years living a lie (ontop of the already 3 years from the A)
In those 7 years, he remained broken up with ow but established father son relationship.
He confessed everything about 2 months after I kicked him out of the house. We spent the next 1.5 years working on our reconciliation.
For me the oc was not something that I could have said nc with. I had to decide if I wanted to be in the marriage knowing he was a part of my cs life. After lots of counseling, hate, tears and hard work, i decided to move forward with the marriage.
Bringing the oc into my world was a slow process and not easy. Now, while he's an annoying kid, and there are some sibling rivalry issues, he's part of my new normal.
My whole family knows as does his. I've learned to not give ashit about their relationship with oc, my kids or myself. I limit my contact with them.
As for my family, i5 had my cs tell each of thrm and apologize to them for what he did to me. It was the least he could do. I didn't have the strength to tell them nor did I have the desire to defend him if they bashed him. They needed to see how deeply sorry he was.
Anyway, that's my back story. I think it helps to know and understand how I ended up in a contact situation.
Just looking for a little advice from those of you who have no contact with the OW or the OC. I made it clear that, that was where I stood with my husband. He agreed and we have been using his sister as a mediator. We have very clearly told the OW our terms, and that there is going to be no contact or visitations. This is all made harder as she was a 'friend' and my husband and her stayed in contact all threw the pregnancy and until the baby was born, until it was six months old and I found out.
Now she has zero access to my husband, the daycare sends invoices that they have been paid every month to his sister.
I am now pregnant and it was so nice as the OW hadn't sent my sister-in-law any emails in over two months. I sent the OW a letter telling her all the hurt she has caused which included her sending me pictures of herself pregnant and of the baby before I knew the truth.
Last week she sends an email to my sister-in-law asking if she should send her pictures of the baby for my husband. This women must be heartless!
I don't know how to tackle this, the therapist said to not reply to any of her emails as this will just continue communication which is what the OW wants. We made a rule that my sister-in-law only updates us once a week on anything pressing.
But I feel like I don't want to hear anything from this women, I want her out of my life, I want to enjoy my pregnancy. What could she possibly need except for when the child moves from daycare and payments change in years to come?
How do I deal with cutting this off and not having any contact except for if she moves state or daycare price changes. It also sits in the back of my mind that my husband and sister talk and that they could discuss emails or he could see pictures but hide it from me because it is his sister who is mediating.
Any advice is appreciated !
I guess what I would do in that situation is have all communication come through mail, though I've found that communication isn't really necessary... she send me/us/the family copies of medical bills we jeed to pay half for and nothing else.
As far as cs payments changing, that can be handled through the courts and either one of the parties can initiate the change.
Please have all of the cs payments scheduled through the courts, the peace of mind you will have is worth the money!!!!
In my case, she hasn't updated her facebook profile pic since October and I haven't received any invoices for medical care so I don't know what the hell is going on. I don't know that I care. It's true, time doesn't heal the wounds but it can bring a little peace, especially w no contact