spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
Is anyone else in a situation where there is no contact?
I figured if there was no child there would be no contact of course. So why does it matter that there is a child involved? It makes life complicated and messy but I feel a lot better knowing that he doesn't have any contact with her. That, in turn, helps my marriage and helps my children. She doesn't see it that way, but that is her problem. She moved 10 hours away (while she was pregnant) so we don't even have contact with the child. It's not because we don't want to, but because she doesn't want me involved. That is small minded and I don't need someone like that involved with myself or my husband. My husband, by the very definition and intention of marriage, does not get to have any sort of personal relationship with anyone that does not welcome my presence.
She is blocked from calling his phone, though we have had phone conversations where I was there but did not speak. That might have been a mistake, certainly a waste of time.
I leave the door open all of the time when I send checks or gifts to contact me so that we can be amicable but my sentiments are left unrewarded. Like I said, it isn't my problem.
The child has to live with the choices her mother has made. They were not my choices. My husband and I decided to put our marriage first, above all. (So many reasons for that)
I can't imagine the pain some of you ladies feel knowing that your husband is putting her demands over your feelings.
I figured if there was no child there would be no contact of course. So why does it matter that there is a child involved? It makes life complicated and messy but I feel a lot better knowing that he doesn't have any contact with her. That, in turn, helps my marriage and helps my children. She doesn't see it that way, but that is her problem. She moved 10 hours away (while she was pregnant) so we don't even have contact with the child. It's not because we don't want to, but because she doesn't want me involved. That is small minded and I don't need someone like that involved with myself or my husband. My husband, by the very definition and intention of marriage, does not get to have any sort of personal relationship with anyone that does not welcome my presence.
She is blocked from calling his phone, though we have had phone conversations where I was there but did not speak. That might have been a mistake, certainly a waste of time.
I leave the door open all of the time when I send checks or gifts to contact me so that we can be amicable but my sentiments are left unrewarded. Like I said, it isn't my problem.
The child has to live with the choices her mother has made. They were not my choices. My husband and I decided to put our marriage first, above all. (So many reasons for that)
I can't imagine the pain some of you ladies feel knowing that your husband is putting her demands over your feelings.
The OW in our case is a nut job so that makes it even easier to stay no contact. She's in need of serious medication for her mental breakdowns. Stalking, threats, moving 4 blocks from our house, chasing husband in her car, etc....If the OC comes in search of my husband later on down the road, he will deal with it then but for now, we are happy in our decision for no contact.
the OC has lived in another town for many years which has made our lives much easier
the OC..is now a young adult ...20 I believe
..nevertheless raw emotions, anger, hurt...etc. those feelings can and still hit you like a ton a bricks anytime ..
the OC recently wanted to make contact with my children (via facebook)...his "step siblings" as he sees it...however they too want nothing to do with him, and have made that know to him, and whoever asks them.
I feel...and have stated to mutual people who know the OC (of course expecting the information to get back to him)...that he needs to get on with his life and get over the fact he will never have relationship with his biological dad or his 'step siblings' ..why try push your yourself onto people who obviously don't genuinely care about you anyway.....LOL ...
ultimately we all have choices...wether we stay with our Husbands...wether we include the OC in our lives...do what ever you feel is right for YOU and your family...GOOD LUCK :)
I'm ok with bringing the OC into our reality, but I will not let my husband have ANY contact with the OW. We'll see how it all plays out though. The OW was a desperate woman who saw a prime opportunity to get the baby she had always wanted and have a man who would help her financially too. She's ok, really. She didn't want my husband for real. She just wanted to use him, steal his sperm, and take his money. It really is a shame that she was only thinking of herself. It's her daughter that will grow up to find out what her mother REALLY did. She lied to my husband...
I hope your marriage is well and your children are well and the.OC is well. We are all dealing with our own realities and none of them are perfect. I would probably write a polite note to him describing the destruction that the relationship between his mom and your husband caused. I would express my sympathies for his pain but say that the damage has been done and you and your husband have moved on and that you wish him a positive outlook toward the future. Simply say that you wish him the best, but there is no place for that relationship in your collective lives.
Good luck to you too. Yes, we all live with our own choices. Whether they are good or bad is totally subjective. We have to be able to live with those choices.
Years later she popped up with a kid because her parents told her to grow up and get out of their house. Cut the purse strings.
We have no contact with the child because of the manner in which it was conceived. It is a reminder to my husband, who became depressed, suicidal, and needed therapy because of everything. We're afraid the child will come looking for him in the future, and of what his mother may or may not have told him. My husband doesn't want to face it- any of it.
if so....you say you feel sorry for the OC in my situation....oh please...if playing happy families is working ok in your lives...who are you to judge me on not doing the same..
the people responsible in my situation are his whore of a mother... and his sperm donor father
me nor my children are going to accept nor sugar coat this situation ...just to make him (OC) understand of feel better about his life...or where he fits in with his dad
I forgot to mention his whore of a mother 'gave him away for adoption' when he was quite young .....she too didn't want him...hahaha
yes I may never understand his feelings about this situation ..but honestly after all these years...one should just give up trying?
I'm not going to write him a polite letter and express sympathies for his pain....his whore of a mother can explain her ass to him...on why she gave him away...why she slept with a married man.....then chose to proceed with the pregnancy and expecting everything to turn out hunky dory...
yes emotions still run high...im not going to pretend
maybe RedSiMom...you change support groups...blended families may be a good one seeing that you're good on giving advice on how you're blended family works,.
I'm in a no contact situation. I don't want a relationship with the OC or OW. Being angry and calling her a whore aren't going to help heal my marriage, though. A good life is revenge enough for me.
I do hope that your situation gets better.
@blackbetty I too have been the recipient of angry responses because I have expressed compassion towards a random oc or simply negative response because I made the choice I did. It's ok to feel bad for them yet not want them as part of your life at the same time. But why go on such an attack because somebody expressed feeling bad for the oc? I have many adopted friends and family members who crave knowing who they are and where they came from. It's not a bad thing to have empathy towards that child especially when I've been the shoulder to the other side as I belive many of us have.
If I could wavea magic wand and make the A and oc dissappear I would. I brought him into our lives because it was what I needed to try. It's not ideal and the are times I question that choice. But if I chose divorce (for me that was the other option) I would have questioned that too.
At the endof the day we are all here for the same reasons and its kind of shitty to tell someone that this is not the right group. Politely suggesting additional groups because you genuinely want to help is different than what you did.
This oc situation sucks for all of us.
Reading all of your responses to the no contact. My husband and I have been married two years, we don't have any kids. Found out he had a one night stand with one of our friends, and her child is his. Long story short, she is twisted sent me pictures of the kid met me when she was pregnant, all the while knowing it was my husbands kid. Anyway my husband and I have decided on no, contact for the next four years to see if we can make our marriege work. We made up a non court ordered agreement, mainly outlining, custody (I couldn't have the child come to us), payment, that all communication will go threw a third party. That we will not be paying if she sends the child to private school.
The OW is furious, as sh is not getting her own way, no contact with my husband that he won't be visiting. She is refusing to sign the document to acknowledge the custody and private school. Has any one else does this type of agreement before ? Also my husband is not on the birth certificate but has a DNA test.
Anyway, my situation is the same yet different than most, as I have contact with the oc and my cs has contact with ow in regards to oc only.
He goes to private school and we don't pay a dime towards it. We have 4 kids of our own and never sent them to private. That's her choice, her problem.
We've paid 1,000 from day 1. Occasionally there are sports teams and such that we pay for portions of expenses.
I kind of look at it like a divorce and she's a greedy ex. It's not the ideal situation but, it's what I am doing.
If your husband doesn't want contact, he may find it best to get court orders. He would be assigned a cs amount and likely pro rada share. I'm not sure how private school factors in but sports and other recreational activities are usually part, as is day care.
There are wives here who have gone through the courts and might have better advice. My immediate suggestion is that you make sure there are receipts for every dime he gives her. If he's nor giving her anything, be prepared for back supportn. They will figure out what he should owe for months he didn't pay and charge him to pay her.
Good luck. This is never easy
Pardon any typos
The OW and OC live out of state now and we did go through the courts to settle on an amount. That way we can rest at ease knowing she can't come back and say we didn't pay her anything after we already had. I would suggest a court order, you need a lawyer to help if you have kids older than hers though.
As far as private school, that is not relevant to child support. The courts consider her income and his income. There is a set dollar amount based on total income and each parent is financially responsible for their own percentage. Daycare is factored, as is healthcare. Private school isn't considered so no worries there.
We had back support to pay, about 2 years worth, but she settled for half the amount in a lump sum so even after loan interest we saved about $8000.
I think the no contact thing has done us and her some good. This Christmas in one of her emails about additional medical expenses she wished us a Merry Christmas. I almost fell out of my chair in shock. I think she has a man, that would open a window to freedom for us if we play it right.
Best wishes. I hope you guys are seeking counseling and outside support. Keep us updated!
Thank you for all the responses. very much appreciated! Today is our anniversary, so not feeling the best.
Thank you for letting me know about the private schooling, so am I correct in saying that everyone has gone to court to get the final amount finalized? My husband and the OC agreed on $1000 a month, which he has been paying. A lawyer suggested not to sign any legal documents as that would tie him to the state of NY, we live in the Caribbean. The lawyer also said that the $1000 sounds right.
As of now he is not on the birth certificate which we are happy with. However the OC is now turning really nasty, she had said when she found out she was pregnant that she was keeping the kid, and was happy to do it by herself as it was her only chance to have a child. My husband offered to help financially, she was a friend so knew he was married and the situation she was going into.
She is now upset because she has changed her mind and wants him involved.
Would it come back to bite us if we don't go to court and get the amount approved by a judge?
Many Thanks
We went through the courts but I don't think everyone here has. I needed the emotional and mental security that came along with everything being legally documented.
Thank you of the response. He has got all the proof that he has paid the money each month, as well as a DNA test. Also emails of her saying she is happy with the $1000 a month, but I guess when the child isn't in daycare and the amount is altered, if she isn't happy she may end up going to court anyway.
Do you know if both parties need to be at court ? Or can a lawyer do this for you? I just want to avoid seeing her as I know she will pull every sympathy trick in the book
Thank you we are both in therapy and I have a great support network, which has been a life savior
We have 2 more years of the back pay. Since the OC in our situation just started going to school full time, we now have to go back to court to get the daycare costs lowered. That means additional attorney fees.
The courts are never fair in these types of situations and it will be on going but one good thing is, that if it's done through the courts, there's not much more the OW can do. That's the one thing that was good for me about everything being taking through the courts, piece of mind that she could not come back on us a later time and take us to court. That would have been even more financially devastating. Going through the courts also makes it easier to maintain no contact with the OW and OC.
Keep track over everything you give her. Don't sign any formal agreement. She will be able to use that against you in court. The attorney's could figure it our on their own but more then likely it will go before a judge and it's usually recommended that both parties are there.
Best of Luck!