Sorry but I disagree. The H made the choice to step out of the marriage, have unprotected sex and create that child. He is responsible to financially care for that child. Unfortunately the wife and children as well as the oc are innocent parties to the selfish acts of others.

That said, I do feel that the laws are set up unbalanced in regards to this type of situation. In my opinion the children of the marriage or pre affair should be taken into consideration when child support is calculated and all children of the man should then be placed on fairly calculated child support.

In my case, my first child was born out of wedlock. We married when hewas 5 months old and not in church. We then proceeded to have 3 more children. My youngest (now 9) is the same as oc. My H paid cs voluntarily from day one. I was in the dark about all of it for a very long time. The one thing I could respect in all of the mess my H created was his paying for his child.

My road has been long, tough, painful and rewarding.

I understand the pain and anger at the ow but they are not the ones who broke a contract. Our husbands did that willingly and knowingly. They were big boys who knew how babies were made. Even if the ow behaved like a whore or manipulated and seduced the H. No man here who created an oc was raped. It sucks that we have to bite the bullet for our H actions but it is part of the fallout of their actions.

I think we are both saying the same thing, but each situation has it's own unique circumstances. There was deception in my situation in that the OW told H she was on birth control. I believe the percentage of married men that want their OW to get pregnant is extremely low. The deception is what I have a problem with and the OW that do this have a higher responsibility to the married family than an H that purposely tries to have
a c and shares in the OWs plan for H to leave his marriage.

It has been a long time since I have posted, But well said Pinkpony66... For those who have husbands, This is their mess. And be as it may. They have to pay for it, while we are emotionally wearing ourselves out, because of what these grown ass men have done. They broke the vows of the marriage, No gun was to their head or were forced to do anything. If you leave him, He has to pay you too. If you can, Forgive and move on child support is not forever. we are paying for twins, and I await the day when she no longer get a brown cent from my household. In the meantime I just hope the slut do the right thing and take care of the kids properly, we see the kids once a month and they better not come looking up kept or abused. I don't speak to the OW, but I imagine sometimes, How good does a woman feel about herself, having a child from a married man, probably just as worst as that husband who has to look in his wife face every day. Adultery hurts everyone. But it is nothing new under the sun. You will get thru your pain and suffering and that slut last child support check will come too. But the one who will really suffer, Is the child born under these circumstances. Money don't raise a child. Love does.

THANKYOU bruise heart. Sometimes I feel guilty for posting here because I don't have this rage and hatred for my situation. I know my feelings are clearly not the norm but it goes beyond that. I feel like my story and opinion are considered annoying to others.

I feel just as with any infidelity, we have choices. We too are not held by gunpoint. We can choose to leave or stay. We can choose to live with anger and hatred or forgiveness and acceptance. I say it to my sons and always feel that each person having intercourse is responsible for birth control.

Condoms should be a given regardless of what the other states they are using or what their "fertility" issues are. If my son got a girl pregnant who insisted she was infertile, I would say pay up and play up this is your life now. The shittyyndifference here is that these men are married with families so that interferes with their life.

I just had oc with us this weekend. He came to color Easter eggs and then again Easter night. It's a very odd situation but we are making it work. Recently he asked if he could call me stepmother. I said it was odd and made me sound like evil stepmother so then he said can I just call you mom. I was stunned at that request and said umm ok if you want.

That was about 2 months ago and the other day he said it. It was weird and I just let it gloss over. He tells me I'm nice and completely enjoys every minute he spends with us. I know that in and of itself has got to be punishment enough for his mother.

I've never hugged him or kissed him goodnight. It's hard to avoid because my children do prayers with me every night and when he sleeps over he joins them. Then they each give me a hug and a kiss. My H usualy steps in and starts brushing them off to bed just as that moment would arise with oc.

I'm still not sure how to let that part happen. But either way accepting him as we have has worked for us

I understand that each family is different and everybody has to do what works for them but I do fear for those children as they grow up and discover their mystery sibling. I worry that they will recent the years of deception
Of the time they could have spent getting to know their brother/sister.

I resent the years I was in the dark almost as much as the affair itself.

Well said Pink. I am so glad to have someone to share my feelings with. I too want a loving relationship with this 5 year old OC but OW will not allow it. How did you break through to her or did H have to do it? Your response means so much to me. Thank you friend.

I'll start from the beginning dmdepsey.


When she got pregnant it woke my H up. He broke up with her and carried on keeping the3 year A and child a secret until child was almost 7.

The years I was in the dark were with her in control. He paid her child support and whatever else oc needed. He was only allowed to visit oc at her apartment. Eventually as child got a little older he was allowed to take him put but it was always met with resistance from her.

Once oc was in school and ow needed my H help, he began to pick oc up from school a couple days a week and hung onto him for a couple hours. She would pick childmupmfrom our business.

All employees knew oc, ow and didn't speak of him around me. I was rarely around. I always feared H was cheating and that if I went to the business unexpected I would find him with another woman. My gut knew he was lying and keeping a secret life at the business. I just didn't know what that secret was.

Whenever ow wanted more mooney she would threaten to move to France or Florida with oc or tell me. Basically blackmail but he deserved to be reminded of how fucked up his situation was.

My H rarely was able to take oc out in public. The child spent his daddy visits inside of a repair shop. He accepted that his life with dday didn't include a home or family. The workers were close to him because they got to know him better than they did my kids.

In these years the mom was not very involved as a mother. She didn't do Christmas, Halloween, bday parties, playmates etc... My H would do with oc things he saw me do. He bought him a tree and went over to decorate and make a little Christmas. He did take him trick or treating but mom was not involved.

Then came dday. After the first few weeks I began to ask the painful questions about the upbringing of the child. It was clear that my H had formed a very strong father son bond and that accepting this child as apart of my H life was a must. That didn't mean I had to stick around and take a front row seat but it meant that I had to accept the bond and find a way to deal with it.

The first thing that happened was that I insisted he take her to court to document his parental rights by having his name placed on the birth certificate. He didn't want his name since he was keeping it a secret but now that was not an issue. She was PISSED and showed up,for the first court date and "oops, I forgot to bring the birth certificate". So they rescheduled. (this was 5 months after dday).

I felt ready to meat oc so I met H at chuckee cheeses for 30 min just to see how I would feel seeing this child. I felt oddly calm and ok. The following weekend I suggested he let oc sleep,over his house (we were living separately). He he had child for a usual visit and ow had a fit and said HELL NOOOO. H threatened to withhold child support and caved.

He continued to withhold child support until she showed up in court with the birth cert. this is where the tables were turning and she was resistant but knew the gig was up. He then slept over almost every saturday and my children met him and were quickly accepting of him.

Second court date judge threatened her that if she ever takes child outnofmcountry or state without fathers approval she will be arrested. Judge said no need for custody agreement. In my if both names are on bc then both parents are equal. Told H if she withholds child come back and get legal agreement.

I met oc a once in a while at sleepovers. I planned a second Christmas celebration to include oc. I couldn't handle including him in our normal routine so luckily with H having a seperated house we could do Christmas eve there. We went out got a tree and decorated together. While H was at his family's house with our kids plus oc I played Santa and filled the tree with gifts.

Every time child went home from being with my H he was happy and his life was better than ever. He would say it was the best year of his life. The mother couldn't deny her child was happy. Still my involvement was minimal and it wasn't clear if H and I were a couple so I think mom was accepting that part.

Sometime into this my kids said their dad would be moving back to home and oc would come there for sleepovers. He said his mom said his mom is mad he met me and if H moves back home, he won't be allowed to sleepover. Well the move back didn't happen for another few months after that.

When H first moved back we kept his house for weekends. All the kids would sleepover there with him on Saturdays. I still wasn't ready to have oc in my house. During that time we slowly introduced oc to coming over. He would be with H and stop in on our way to movies etc...

The whole process was very slow and steady. She couldn't fight it because the kid was happy and H had already cut down money a lot. He did just child support and no extras.

When H first moved back she abused the situation and was needing him to get oc from school 4or5 times a week and she was not getting home till after 10. Finally I said if she does it again bring child here and make her come here to get him. That stopped that shit.

Last summer she used H to get oc from camp constantly. So I guess she was over it.

I'm sure there is still manipulation. Usualy if there was a really good visit, the kid will be unable to sleepover for the next few weeks. Everytime I am fully involved in the visit he doesn't come for a coup,e of weeks.

Example I took them to the movies myself (only 2nd time I had oc without H). Thismismwhen oc asked if he could call me mom. The next 3 weeks he was sick, punished and busy. Hmmmm. So she is still dealing with manipulating but for the most part I guess she has been forced to accept.


Sorry I've rambled so long and maybe I've bored you. But I guess I just wanted to explain that it was not this overnight process. During all of this I went through many emotional lows and accepting his presence was not always easy but I never stopped working on it from the beginning.


I hope you can read my story and find ideas and ways to make your situation closer to what you are hoping for.

Oh and one good thing is that she has improved her mothering involvement. Let's him have friends over and takes him places. Also puts up a tree and does Christmas etc... I guess she didn't like knowing how happy he was with his "step mother"

Dear Pink,
That is a mirror image of where we are now. H is not on birth certificate but is forced by the state to pay child support. He has no visitation rights, which is where we are going next. OW is going to turn to the psychotic stage when this happens. I too want peace and harmony with this OC and OW, but I am too old to be scared of OW even though she tries to be intimidating and threatening to my family. Thank you for your feedback and it is in no way boring, but greatly appreciated.
Much love going your way my friend!! :)

Dmdempse, not being on the birth certificate is an issue and he should start with that in family court. I'm not sure how each state and county handle these things but my ah paid nothing for that. The visitation, while controlled by her, was always available. The judge made it clear that she must allow visitation and that if she refused my husband was to take her to family court for a legal agreement.

In our county and state he has equal rights because she was not denying paternity and agreed to have the birth certificate changed. The child also asked for his name to be changed to my husbands and she agreed to that too.

It's a complicated path but there needs to be a proactive beginning from your husband with your support. Nothing can be accomplished if no steps are taken to achieve the end goal. Once the legal parts are dealt with then you need to see how and at what pace you can handle the child in your life.

I truely hope that for all involved, this comes to a calm understanding where every body can find peace.

I'm glad you found DS and hope that it has helped you.
Pink

Also I took pictures at every meeting, whenever possible. It was a two sided reason. One was to ensure that the child felt welcomed from the day we met and two was evidence that he was happy with us and becoming an important part of his whole family. I worried that she would say I was unfit or try to say he couldn't be around me. Having pictures from life to me proved the opposite.

This is rude, but I'm 50 and my youngest is a senior this year. Can I ask how old you are?

Not rude. I'm 46. My kids are 20/17/11/9

Oc is also 9. My youngest and oc will be 10 this summer.

Yesterday was father's day and I had nothing nice to say. I'm hateful mean and want them to feel the pain I feel. I never get invited to family gatherings. All good. They probably can't cook anyways. There ain't a man on earth that I would trust. Sometimes I wish more women behaved like loreana Bobbitt. They don't know how to behave with it so without it they may be more mindful. And I just found out I have another brother on the outside. Hes a year or 2 older. I knew I wasnt the only baby out in the streets. I will never know how many siblings I have. I cant wait til that cheating bastard die so all of us oc's can show up at his funeral. I don't care about my legitimate siblings now that I know I have others in the street. We probably outnumber them anyways. They old as hell an we young and we ready to gang up on the spoiled spoon fed brats. Heard they ain't want me cause they worried about splitting the company money. So I flashed a pic on my fb page of me holding $8000 stating I dont need their fucking money. As a matter of fact I quit my job in march an bought my own truck working for me and I made 6cfigures last year. To hell with them!!! They gonna sell his company and spend the money and be broke while I build mines. The 1st shall be last and the last shall be first. Fuck them.

So sorry for your pain. I wish you could find peace in this. Maybe meeting the other oc would help form a bond. You sperm donor sounds more like an alley cat. Putting all of this negative energy into those who can't seem to care is so unhealthy.